Ham & Eggers

Ham & Eggers


“Are you going to eat that bacon?” Pete asked.  He had been glancing back and forth

between his bowl of plain oatmeal and Lester’s plate which included heaping portions of

bacon, eggs, hash browns, toast, with a side of biscuits and gravy.


“Come on, Lester!  At least let him have a slice of bacon.  He’s drooling all over the table for Christ’s sake,” Wally said, shaking his head in disgust. 
The three men were sharing the same table at the same roadside diner in the same small town for most of their adult lives.  This particular morning most of the regulars were present.  A few had already left to do early chores and few other stragglers wandered in.  Of course, there were always several truckers who would stop in for a meal. 

“That’s why I never got married,” Lester mused while he weighed the benefits to be gained by parting with any portion of his meal.  Sharing was not high on his list, especially when it came to food.  “A woman always feels the need to change her man,” he added reflectively.

“No!  You never got married because you’re just plain ugly.” Wally offered.  “Here Pete, take this ham,” Wally stabbed a slab of ham from his plate and plopped it on a napkin.  “I’ve already had my daily allowance of cholesterol.  Besides, I hate to watch a man have to beg for food.  The ham ain’t all that bad today!” he added.

Duncan sitting at a nearby table with a similar group who were busy discussing politics this particular morning was also eavesdropping on the conversation at the other tables couldn’t resist a chance to offer his thoughts.  “I suspect that you must be one of the best looking fellows in the county then, Wally, seeing how you’ve been married five or is it six times so far.”
The statement caused wide spread laughter followed by speculation from just about everyone on exactly how many times that Wally had been down the aisle. The most common number being tossed about was six, but no one could remember all of the names of all of the wives involved.

Pete went to work on the ham immediately with his hands not bothering with a fork.  “My wife’s about to starve me to death with this diet shit.  I just ain’t a leaf eater…that’s all I’m trying to say.”

“I see temptation’s gotten the better of you this morning Pete,” Lucy said coming out of the kitchen and taking a seat at the table.  “When Emily finds out she’ll beat your ass to death.  You won’t have to worry about surviving poor health.”  She lit a cigarette and tossed a dismissive glance at Wally.  “I guess my cooking hasn’t exactly kept you away for the last fifteen years or so, has it?”

“No, it ain’t.  But, then this is the only damn restaurant in town too.  So, I guess we just have to make do with one another, don’t we?”

“You would have quit coming here ages ago if you weren’t crazy about my cooking.  Hell, you would have tried to marry me years ago if you weren’t already married,” Lucy said.  Besides, you could have driven to Lamar just as easily as coming here.  There’s plenty of eating establishments up that way, but here you sit, eating my cooking and drinking my coffee and staring at my breasts whenever you think that I’m not looking.”

Pete half choked on his last bite of ham, while Lester tried to steal a peak himself while Bernie was busy staring at Wally.
Wally rubbed the two day old stubble on his chin then said, “I don’t stare at ‘em.  I admit I sneak a peak now and then.  Now Lester, on the other hand, stares at them til his eyes look like there going to pop out.  Don’t you Lester?”
Lester quickly looked away, and turning a bright red, stuttered and stammered through his embarrassment, “Ah, no, I don’t either stare.  I can’t see well anyway.  I think my glasses are broke.”  He quickly removed them and held them up to the light studying them for any deficiencies.  He grimaced as he felt sweat begin forming on his upper lip.

“When I was a bit younger, I got plenty of looks,” Lucy said thoughtfully.  She sighed as she remembered fondly the bygone days.  She was closing in on fifty at a pretty good clip and knew that, while she was still attractive by most any standards, she was now a bit heavier and a bit more wrinkled.  There were more and more gray hairs popping up.

It saddened her to think that her youth had past so quickly leaving her in the dust, literally of the high and dried out plains of eastern Colorado.  She tried not to think about because every time she did, she would become angry.  That anger occurred because she had allowed herself to become trapped here several years back when she had moved to Two Buttes with her, then husband Ron, and her daughters Taylor and Lindsey.  They were only four and two years of age at the time.  Ron had a few relatives in the area and he had needed somewhere to go.

“What’s that, dear?  We didn’t quite hear you, Lucy said.  It amused her to banter back and forth with Wally.
“I said that I come here for the pecan pie.  Not to look at you.”
 
“Christ, it’s getting so a man can’t even eat a meal in peace without an argument breaking out,” Lester observed.  “I ought to just stay out with my cows and get a little work done rather than come in here every morning just to hear this bull.”

“Well, while you’re out there with your cows, you might want to repair some of your fencing.  You got more cows wandering around the countryside than you got fenced in,” Pete offered with a grin.

Everyone chuckled except Lester.

“Lester’s just believes in the ‘free grazing’ concept like they used to back in the old days”, Wally said.  He started waiving his hand trying to clear the smoke from Lucy’s cigarette.  “You know, Lucy, there are laws against smoking now.  I don’t suppose that you could put that thing out, could you?”
Everybody quieted down mainly due to the fact that they didn’t want to see Lucy and Wally go at it again.  They had a running argument about smoking.  Everyone kind of kept their eyes cast low looking at either their food, or coffee mugs, or the floor.  For a few minutes no one was able to come up with a different topic of conversation. 
Finally, Wally broke the silence and the topic.
“Hey, what’s Matt up to?” Wally asked.  “I was coming up 37 road yesterday morning and he passed me like his ass was on fire.  He didn’t even slow down much less stop to visit.  Hell, he barely even took the time to wave.”
“He’s got a new gal now,” Duncan said.  “I saw them together at the Big R store in Lamar last week looking like a couple of love sick puppies.”  He shook his head remembering.  They were locked in a mad passionate embrace halfway down the plumbing isle.”
“How romantic!” Lucy said with a smile. 

“Matt was so taken with his ‘new love of his life’ that he damn near couldn’t be coaxed into any conversation.  He could barely introduce me to her,” Duncan said with a chuckle.  “He finally did, though.  Her name’s Sarah.  Nice looking gal, too.  Better than the last several ‘loves of his life’, Duncan mused.

“You say she’s over in Kansas?” Pete asked.  He had managed to get a few more scraps from the others and now had a pretty decent plate of real food in front of him which helped improve his mood.
“Yeah, she bought the old Duncan place right there on the state line on Highway 116,” Duncan said.  “Must be a tax nightmare having your house straddling the state line.  Not to mention the time change.”

“How do you mean?” someone asked.
“Well, it’s always an hour later in Kansas than in Colorado, so when you get up at five in the morning, Kansas time and head into the kitchen to make coffee and breakfast, you’re technically standing in Colorado and it’s only four in the morning,” Duncan said.  He removed his hat and scratched his forehead as he tried to contemplate the logistics of such a problem.
Wally rolled his eyes.  “Boy, I can tell that you’re never going to be a rocket scientist, Duncan.”
Duncan looked surprised.  “I’m just saying that it must be confusing to live in two different time zones,” he looked at Wally for an answer.
“Look, just the fact that you even raised the topic in the first place makes me a bit suspicious of your mental condition, that’s all,” Wally said shaking his head.
Lester, who had yet to leave to check on his cows and was amused by Wally and Duncan’s conversation spoke up, “You know, I’ll bet there ain’t one cow or coyote or critter running loose that ever wonders what time it is.” 
“Not true, Pete,” Wally said.  “Think about it.  Every day, your cows come plodding up the same trail to the same spot where you bring them feed every evening.  That is, the ones come that haven’t already busted thru your fencing somewhere.  Anyway, you feed them at the same time every day and they become dependent upon it.  They can be spread all over a few hundred acres, but by the time you get there with the feed, they’ve all gathered.  You could set your watch by their actions.” 
Most of the others who were gathered at the café had left to work or were just leaving.  Lester drained the last of his coffee and stood up to leave also.  “You know, I ask myself what the attraction to coming here every morning is,” he stated.
“My cooking, most likely,” Lucy said heading for the kitchen.
“Right,” Lester said as he adjusted his cowboy hat.  Then turning at the door he asked “So, what’s the special tonight just in case I’m in the mood for a little food poisoning?”
“It’s roast beef sweetie.  You’ll be here, too,” Lucy said with a smile.  “Because it’s Friday night and you’ll want your dessert.”
“What’s the dessert tonight?” Lester asked.
“Why, it’s me lover.”
“Oh!” Lester said shyly.
“See you tonight then?” Lucy inquired.
“See you tonight,” Lester said as he headed out the door.