Relationship Gone Bad: Tragic Life Story

         Since middle school, I've had a love and hate relationship with my hair. I don't know what started it exactly, but I do know it will take years of therapy, frustration, cursing and threats before I could begin to truly love my hair again. When I was just a little girl I didn't caer how my hair looked. I played, hopped, skipped and jumped like the rest of my peers. And then puberty hit. I started noticing different things about myself and comparing them to other girls. Why can't my hair look that good? Why wasn't my hair soft and silky, staying in place like it should? And so the troubles began.

         It was in middle school that I had my first real haircut and style. I had it cut short and shave in the back. It was cute or so I thought at the time. It just didn't look right on me. It didn't fit who I was. So after it grew out I experimented with other things like braids and weaves. Either my hair wasn't strong enough or it wasn't done right because my hair started to crack under the pressure and left me. But I didn't give up! If at first you don't succeed, try, try again! Right? Wrong.

"If at first you don't succeed, before you try again, figure out what you did wrong." -Leo Rosten

         Wish I had done that! But I didn't and my hair continued to suffer and I continued being frustrated. Nothing ever worked without hurting my hair. And then a miracle happen! God took pity on me and tried to show me the way to good hair. But like many people, when God shows up to give you a gift, message, and show you the right path, I didn't listen. By the time my cousin showed up to go to college near by my hair was sick of me and I was sick of it. My scalp cursed the very air I breathed. Relaxers would straighten my hair but my poor sensitive scalp would be burned! It happened every single time! As soon as it probably healed it was time to tame the new growth. The new growth my hair stylist said to never let get wild and wholly again! My cousin was dealt with the gift of beauty and the knowledge of how to maintain it. A knowledge that skipped me completely! My biggest problem was that I never really knew how to take care of my hair or how to style it! I barely braid! So when she would come over to our house it was like a vacation for my hair! She liked to style my hair into simple, easy to manage styles. My favorite was the curly hairstyle. Loved it! My hair was in heaven! But my scalp was still miserable! Relaxers was Satan in my poor scalp's world! It prayed night and day for deliverance! It didn't matter what brand I used, who did, how long I had it on, whether or not I waited long enough for it to heal or if I didn't scratch, it all ended the same! Burn, burn burn!!

         As I entered into the high school years I gave up. Trying to get my hair "in style" was only messing it up! Can't braid my hair without it breaking. Well you can, just not too tight. Which meant that sewing in weave was out of the question. I would look beautiful but then after taking it out, washing it and combing it through, my comb would be decorated with large amounts of my hair. Not enough to start freaking out but enough to have some concern. And letting my hair down was nice until I walked. The air would catch it and there went my hairstyle! I spritzed it, gelled it, moussed it, fried it, sauteed it, whatever! It just didn't stay styled! So I gave up and went to the simple pony tail. That was my trademark in high school. I was the chic with the ponytail and proud of it! It was one of those few occasions where I would love my hair and it would love me back. Why? Because I left it alone! It was cheering and celebrating and crying! Oh! So nice!

         So, what happened to those beauty sessions my cousin would do? That stopped when she graduated. Sigh. How my hair missed her. And I didn't pick up any tips. Nada. I was a moron. I had a learning opportunity and I let it slip through my fingers. God help me. Although I did take away one thing, the curly style. It was so simple and easy, I could do it in my sleep. Which basically all you have to do after you but hair rollers in your hair. So if the urge hit me, I would curl my hair that way and my goodness! It stayed curly and in place. It was a rare freedom! I could run, play, hop, skip and jump and not worry how my hair looks. Oh! How good that felt! But I stuck with the pony tail most of the time. And since it wasn't doing much I made my hair work. I would put pencils and pens and lollipops in my hair for safe keeping. Yes lollipops. Don't worry, they were unopened. And so life went by. Relaxers still happened. Hair for the most part behaved but still wanted run away from me every now and again. And then the turning point.

         Then I moved to Texas where the climate was a bit of a shock to my hair. Sucker dried up! My hair use to retain some moisture in Florida and coming to Texas shocked it dry. My entire skin went dry. Oi! I never used so much moisturizers in my life thus far! One day I woke up, went into the bathroom, took off my scarf and looked in the mirror. My God. My hair looked horrible. It was dull and lifeless. No shine. No silkiness. No nothing. I rubbed my fingers through my hair and realized it was snowing before my very eyes. And I knew it wasn't regular dandruff. It was from the scabs and dead skin my scalp was shedding. All those chemical treatments finally zapped what little life my hair had. I looked at it with pity. All these years I neglected the scalp. The foundation that my hair relied on. So I stopped using relaxers for awhile. I wanted to give my scalp time to rest and heal. I didn't care when new growth emerged. I ignored it and continued on with my life. I moisturized both my hair and my scalp from here on out. And when I thought I was ready to start putting relaxers in my hair again, God interfered and made it impossible for me to do so. I couldn't afford it anymore. And since I went so long without relaxing my hair I figured I could go longer. And I did.

         Its been over two years since I last put a relaxer in my hair and its been a struggle! Not because my hair wouldn't behave itself but because I had no clue how to take care of my natural hair. As far back as I can remember I've been getting relaxers. I don't remember a time where I just had my natural hair. I underwent many trials and errors. I had to do research and get truly acquainted with my hair. I realized that I've never known my hair. I've never tried to figure out what kind of personality it had and what it wanted to do. But I've learned and am still learning. And I must say, my relationship with my hair is improving remarkably! And I'm proud and happy to have it. I don't care what other people think. I like my hair now and it likes me. Its funny, the second I stopped trying to make it look like everyone else was the second it looked like it regained a little bit of life back. And so did I.

         Allow me to introduce you to my hair. It hates chemicals. Loves Africa's Best oil. The only shampoo it wants is Pantene's Relaxed & Natural for Women of Color and the conditioner by V05. The scalp must be loved on, massaged while being cleansed and it must be moisturized regularly by Always hair conditioner or Africa's Best hair grease. My hair responds really well to being straightened with a flat iron after being air dried. Twists works best not braids. And a fro is the best way to go. My hair is happiest free with nothing but light oil weighing it down, no gel, mousse, spritz or anything else for that matter. It loves to be au naturale and you know what? I love it au naturale too. And though I'm still finding a lot about my hair and how many different textures it truly has (Oh it drives me insane sometimes!) and how many different lengths it is, I'm happy that I went on this journey and learned all the many lessons it taught me so far.

1. Patience it key. Good things won't happen over night, you won't learn things right away, and you won't truly know what's best until you experiment.

2. Learn to love. Getting frustrated won't get any further in what you want to achieve. Loving what you have is the only way your going to get what you truly want.

3. Follow your heart. Doing what everyone else is doing or what others are telling you to do or not do may not even apply to you. Do what feels right.

4. Sometimes its okay to stay in that comfort zone. Maybe that's where you're suppose to be right now. Maybe that's whats working for you right now.

5. Be confdient. You're doing something different. Make it you. Do it your way. Who says that there is a wrong or right way? Make you happy. Make you confident.

         At the end of the day I grab my scarf and look in the mirror and smile. Wow, I had a great hair day!