I Can - A Christmas Present to Myself

                                                I CAN'T...  I CAN a Christmas present to myself

To write or not to write, that is the question.  There is no question.  I have avoided writing for decades.  I would actual get nauseated when I would think about coming back to writing.  What I find so odd about that is, I love writing more than anything.  It rejuvenates my soul.  So why would I avoid something that I love and is so good for
me?  Now that is the question.

Probably my belief and little game with self, that I am a worthless piece of shit.  Unworthy of anything good and must wait for the impending doom should I find myself enjoying family, friends and life and feeling some success.  Mike and the Mechanics song, I think it is.  The song they do where it goes, "your the fastest swimmer but your not allowed to win. "  And then it goes on to talk about the various set ups, pretending to accomplish but the truth is it will never happen...

God, how depressing.  And my life has been a cycle of accomplishments followed by deep depressions and the belief I don't deserve to be safe and happy.  Family and friends are tired of the merry go round.  Geez, I’m tired of the merry go round!  Brings back to mind the time my husband (now ex, go figure) said to me, "you have no idea how hard you are to live with."  I responded, "you don't know how lucky you are, you can get away from me..."  Pretty pathetic huh?

As far back as I can remember I had an "I can't" attitude when faced with challenges.  I've spent lots of time, money and tears trying to get past "I Can't".  Dr. Phil, would say quit trying and do it girl!  "Dr. Phil, tell me howwwwwwww", she says whining. 

Somewhere along the line it became easier to lay down, give up and let others decide who I was and what I should do.  Or did I?  Lay down, give up and let them.  Seems if that were the case I would be a pretty easy person to get along with, and that I would just go along with the crowd. 

I wonder if I took a poll of my family and friends if they would tell you I just give up and let others have their way? God, I can hear the roar of their laughter just at the thought.  Maybe in the beginning I did let others make choices.  But even then I probably somewhere deep inside didn't like it and wanted to do things my way.  However there is no question in my mind and I can almost remember the days that I began to say "No", if only in my head.  Meekly at first I said "No" out loud.  And I can tell you the consequences of that were not pretty.

So now I am not entirely going along with the powers that be, but very unsure of what I really want and always looking over my shoulder.  For  a harsh word, maybe just a little character assassination this time.  And so the challenges come and a pattern is set.  I have some feelings and thoughts about how I want to deal with the challenge, but seem powerless to effect the situation.  And many times feel swept along in the process.  And the words "I'm trying, I'm scared, I don't know how" spill from my mouth.  But the feeling is, I can't.  I rationalize, I don't have the ability, training, confidence.  What ever will support the belief, but bottom line, <i>I can't.</i>

And this has been the pattern of belief through out my life.  I've fought for brief periods of time and accomplished things.  But like the song says, "I'm not allowed to win".  So the minute I do I become aware of the nagging belief of impending doom and reminder I can't.  I can't, I can't,  I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't.  Write 1000 times I can't!  Write it till your hand is aching and you are sick to death of hearing it!

I have explored every religion I can think of, pursued years of therapy (by the way do you realize Therapist separated spells The rapist), meditated, prayed, habituated (is that a word?), read self help books from here to eternity. 

Aging has lessened the depths of the depression, and has given me more of a sense of self, and longer periods of satisfaction.  But I am still my worst enemy, with "I can't" bringing up the rear.  I am 51 and I want the underlying belief of my life to be I can! God damn it!

You know, I look at my home; my family, my friends and for the most part I like what I see.  I love them, I feel like they love me.  There are things I would like to do and things I want to work on in these relationships but for the most part I like what I see.  Well then what the hell was this all about? 

It's about how I throw the baby out with the bath water when crisis occur.  Right now its financial security.  Tomorrow it could be problems with the family and seeing my grandchildren as much as I would like.  The next day it might be an issue I'm having with the service department of some company I do business with.  A challenge presents and I
lay down.  Slowly these days of course.  Slowly, because I am growing emotionally and learning to deal with challenges and slowly because the joints ain't what they used to be. I give up.  Half hearted because a part of me prepares to fight, and yet still say I can't....

Well my holiday present to myself is to laminate this and put where I can see it.  To give myself an atta girl for how far I have come.  And a, you can do it!  For the distance I have to go. 

This holiday I give myself "I Can".

Author,
at least half the population

Happy Holidays
From Santa Jessica