Jack-In-The-Box-Girl: Chapter Three

Chapter Three: Memories



I woke up with a horrible headache. Not because my head hurt, exactly (although the alarm clock that woke me up will never work properly again) but more because I didn’t know what to do. It’s just so… confusing! I thought to myself. But in the end, I decided that… I didn’t know what the fuck to do!

I dressed in a Tenacious D T-shirt and Brown cargo jeans with a belt that had flames on the sides and a skull sitting on a four-leaved clover on the buckle. My hair I just let hang today, without a queue, and I put on a wristband with ‘PWND!' on the front. I also put on mirrored sunglasses that completely covered my eyes. As I picked up my cell phone, I felt another pang of guilt for hurting Denny. Again. I sat back down on my bed. Unbidden, a memory jumped to the front of my mind. It was two and a half years ago…

…It was two and a half years ago when Denny and I were sitting in her room, smoking pot. Alone. Two teenagers alone in a room is never a good combination. Teenagers are stupid. And horny. Even worse was the fact that we were alone in the house. Plus the fact that we had marijuana in our system. We had finally decided that our relationship had gone beyond just hugging and kissing. Which was a mistake. A big one! Her fourteenth birthday had been two weeks ago. She was about an inch taller than I with hair black as night was. Her eyes were the color of gold, and sparkled like their namesake. She was wearing a brown Papa Roach T-shirt and white shorts.

We sat on her bed talking when the subject of sexual acts came up. “Why don’t we try something?” she asked me. “We’re close enough to do that kind of thing, aren’t we?”

“Of course,” I answered. “Anything for you.” We began making out, with her arms wrapped around my head, and mine sliding down to her buttocks. I grabbed a cheek and—

No. I don’t want to remember. I don’t. I don’t!

—and squeezed, making her squeal. I smiled and pushed her onto the bed. I slipped one hand under her shirt to feel her breasts. She unbuttoned my own shirt and ran her hands lightly across my chest. Then she grabbed my chin and pulled me back down to her lips.

No! Stop!

I pulled her shirt over her head and reached my hands behind her to unhook her bra. I felt her hands gripping my buttocks and instinctively pulling me closer to her. Once her top was fully exposed, I took one of her nipples into my mouth. She gasped and dug her fingers into my hair. Smiling, I ran my hands down her body and undid her shorts, sliding them down to reveal—

Stop! Don’t do it! Please! —

—reveal her white panties. At this time she made a feeble attempt to push me off. I wouldn’t have any of that! I kissed her hard, pushing her back down, and sliding her panties down. “Wait a minute. Allan, wai—” I cut her off with another smothering kiss. I unbuttoned my own pants and took them off. Then I—

STOP!

I jerked awake from my dream. Sweating profusely, I looked at the clock. I had only been asleep for about ten minutes. Breathing heavily I went downstairs, and walked my bike over to Rebecca’s house. I parked it in front of her bike and went to replacing the tire.

By the time I was finished, my breathing was back to normal, if not my demeanor. I walked up to the front door and knocked, waiting patiently. This time Rebecca’s sister, Alice, answered the door. “Can I help you?”

“Yeah, I was gonna ride with Rebecca to school again.”

“Oh, okay. Come in, then.” I followed her in and sat down across from her at the table, taking off my sunglasses. “Dinner was good last night. I enjoyed it.”

“Well thank you,” I said, preoccupied.

“And you made it? All by yourself?”

“Yep. Why? Are you thinkin’ about starting to cook?”

“Nah, I was just wonderin’… So, what do you think about Rebecca?”

“Oh, she talks a lot.”

She laughed. “Yeah, that she does.” She paused for a moment. “Hey, would you like to go ta the dance comin’ up this weekend?”

“Sure. I’ll— what? I’m sorry, what’d you say?”

“I asked if you’d like to come to the school dance with me.”

“Umm. Well, I—”

“What? Who’s goin’ to the dance with who?”

“Oh, Allan just agreed that he’d go to the dance with me.”

“What!?” She looked accusingly at me. “You’re going to the dance with her? My little sister!? My God, all men are the same!”

“Umm, actually, I didn’t really agree to go with her to the dance. I—”

“Yes you did! I asked you and you said ‘Sure’.”

“Actually, I wasn’t really listening to you. You caught me by surprise, so—”

“That doesn’t matter. You still said yes, so you’ve gotta take me to the dance!”

I sighed. “I just wanted ta sleep. Oh well. Y’know what, fine. I’ll go with you.”

“Yay! I’m goin’ to the dance! I’m goin’, and you’re not! So—”

“What? You can’t take her. I was gonna ask you.”

“Well, you’re a bit too late. You shoulda been up earlier. Now I’m—”

“Actually, since I’m goin’ anyway, I thought that I’d take you both. That way you’ll both have a date, and you don’t hafta fight over me.” There was a long silence after that statement. Then they both exploded into exclamation.

“What? You wanna—”

“…Really think so? I say—”

“…You can’t just go—“

“…With us both,” they finished together.

“Okay, sure,” I said simply. “You can both find other dates, I’m sure…”

“But you said you’d go,” Alice complained in a whiney voice.

“I’ll go with you.” She stuck out her tongue at Rebecca. “But if I do, I take her, as well,” I finished, gesturing at Rebecca. This silence seemed so thick that I could cut it with a knife.

“No,” they both exclaimed at the same time.

Rebecca continued with, “You won’t take us both, you—”

“—You little pervert,” Alice finished for her. I shook my head. Siblings are so alike, I thought to myself.

“Well, you’ve heard my terms, so I think that I’ll just be going, now…” As I turned to leave, they both rushed in front of me to block my path.

“OK. If we agree to both go with you,” Alice said, emphasizing if. “How’ll you do this? Dance with us both at the same time?”

I shrugged, hiding a smile. “If that’s what you want then, sure… I, on the other hand,” I added quickly, seeing them both flush red. “I was thinking that I’d dance one song with Rebecca, then one with you, Alice.”

“What? Why not dance with me, first?”

I sighed impatiently. “Fine. We’ll flip a coin to see who I dance with first. Now, if you’ll excuse us, me and Rebecca have gotta go…”

She gave me an odd look. “Don’t you remember? My tires are slashed.” She asked me slowly, as if speaking to a child.

Quirking an eyebrow, I said, “Fine. If you don’t wanna come, then I’ll go by myself…” Pushing past them, I walked over to my bike and mounted, putting on my sunglasses.

“Wait,” I heard from the door. I didn’t turn around, but I still new that Rebecca was running toward me with her backpack in hand. “What the…?” She sounded surprised at finding her bike tire fixed. “Did you… did you fix my bike?” I grunted.

“Comin’?” I pushed off and began pedaling. As she grew level with me, I saw her gazing at me curiously, with a soft smile playing over her lips. The smile reminded me of Denny, and my thoughts instantly went to my dream. I growled deep in my throat, pushing such thoughts away from me. I have to do exactly as I told Denny to do. I hafta let go! But I couldn’t. I had to keep the memory of what I did with me at all times, or it might happen again. I could hurt someone else. I began pedaling harder, although we were already riding downhill. Like Rebecca, a soft voice told me. You care about her, it said, but you can’t show her. No. Shut up. You’re a fuckin’ loser! You can‘t even tell her that you don’t want to be with her. Shut up! ‘Cause you’re weak! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! So weak… But the worst thing is, the voice added, pausing. That you enjoyed what you did to Denny! Those words stunned me. Having never thought about it like that, I gasped aloud with horror. You liked it and you wanna do it again! You-

“NO!” I yelled aloud, startling Rebecca and making her stare at me in terror. “SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP!” As I screamed this, I lost control of my bike, and it jerked down on its side, sliding on my left leg for about six yards, until my head crashed into a telephone pole. I felt suddenly dazed. Rebecca screamed fearfully, and skidded to a stop. She jumped off her bike, ignoring the fact that it fell in the middle of the road, where a car could easily run it over. She headed straight for me.

“Allan! Allan, are you alright?” She knelt down and, with adrenaline pumping through her veins, was able to wrench the bike out from under my body, and off my leg, trapped underneath. She threw the bike to the side and called my name again. “Allan! Oh my God, Allan! Oh, look at you’re leg!” I looked down, surprised to see that my pants were torn, allowing us both to see blood seeping through what looked like meat. After a second, I realized that that’s exactly what it was. It looked like the skin had been rubbed off, and was now spread along the street, like butter on toast. That was when the pain finally hit me.

I screamed. The pain was so intense, and felt like there were people sliding sandpaper over my leg, although there was nothing but the wind. Oh God! The pain was so bad that I felt like I was about to die. It was so intense that I couldn’t think of anything else. Almost like what I felt after I…

I was still screaming. I don’t know how long I felt the mind-numbing pain, but I finally came to, and stopped screaming long enough to be aware that someone was shoving something into my mouth. Opening my eyes (Which I honestly don’t remember shutting) I saw someone’s face almost touching my own. Then I realized. Someone’s kissing me! I felt clever that I’d figured that out, so I went along and kissed them back, tasting something like honey. Then they pulled back, and suddenly Rebecca’s shining, gray eyes looked back at me.

“Allan…” Were the only words that I heard her utter. I love you… I thought to her. Then I lost consciousness.

*****

When I woke up, I lay there, listening to an annoying beeping sound. My mind began to wander, and I was helpless to stop it. I thought about Denny, and how I had taken her virginity. I thought about Rebecca, and how I was scared to admit my growing feelings about her. But mostly, I thought about how much my Goddamn leg and head hurt! I slowly drifted back into sleep.

“Allan,” I heard a voice say my name. “Allan. It’s time to get up.” When I didn’t reply, the tone became sharper. “Allan. Get up this instant!”

“Go away,” I muttered weakly, drawing the blanket over my head. “Make your own damn breakfast, for once!”

“Allan, if you don’t get up right now, them I’m gonna drag yer ass outta that bed, and beat you black and blue!” I sighed and pulled the blanket down. I felt weak and nauseous.

“Ahh! It’s too bright! Where am I?” I asked, looking around as I rubbed my aching temples. My mother came over to me and gently hugged me. I seemed to be in an infirmary. Then I remembered. ”Oh. Yeah.” I lifted my blanket, intending to look at the damage, only to find that my leg was bandaged. “What time is it?”

“It’s noon, Allan.”

“Holy shit! I slept for five hours? I musta hit my head harder’n I thought…” After a moment, I noticed my parent’s odd silence, and asked, “What’s wrong?”

My father’s features were marred with a frown. “Allan, you haven’t been sleeping for five hours. You’ve been out for about two days.”

An awkward silence filled the room after my dad’s statement. I felt suddenly lightheaded again, so I lay back down on the pillow. The door opened, and I looked over. A man in a white coat walked into the room. He had sandy brown hair, with a matching beard. He also had piercingly blue eyes.

“Ah, Mr. Hartie. You’re awake. Good. I’m Dr. Klopfler. How are you feeling?”

“Like a shitty hangover.”

He laughed. “Well, that’s to be expected, considering the bump on your head. You sustained a minor concussion. For my own curiosity, how did you hit your head? Your friend wasn’t too clear on that.”

“My friend? Who, Denny?” My mom turned and whispered something in my dad’s ear.

“Honestly I don’t remember her name. She was about an inch shorter than myself, with brown hair, and gray eyes. Sound familiar?”

I frowned, concentrating. The description sounded familiar, and I could see a face in my mind, but couldn’t, for the life of me, put a name to it. “Vaguely. But—”

“Doctor,” my father interrupted. “Could we speak with you outside for a moment?”

“Of course.” They left the room, leaving me alone. Seeing a bathroom, I got up and relieved myself. As I came limping back into the room, I spied my black backpack, with my shoes sitting next to it. I dug through it, and was relieved to find my black gym shorts and Three Days Grace T-shirt, which I changed into, removing the ugly white hospital gown, and throwing it distastefully into a corner. As I was tying my shoes, Dr. Klopfler came back in.

“Well, Allan—.” He stopped mid-sentence. “What do you think you’re doing?”

“Me? I’m leavin’. Never cared much for hospitals.” I hitched my backpack on one shoulder, and strode (limped!) toward the door.

“Mr. Hartie, please. You’re liable to fall unconscious at any time.”

“Look, I’m fine.” As I said this, I felt another wave of nausea wash over me. I felt Dr. Klopfler’s strong arm slip under my arm, supporting me.

“See, what did I tell you? Please lay down, and I‘ll call for some food.” I allowed him (Ha! I “allowed” him, indeed) to lead me to the bed, where I sat down. “Just please don’t leave.”

I didn’t really notice when he left, but I was suddenly aware of being prodded gently. I jerked awake, only to see Dr. Klopfler (How the hell do you pronounce that?) handing me a tray. As I began eating, he asked me, “So, who is this Dennise?”

“Oh, she’s my girlfriend.”

“What does she look like?”

“Well. She's got short black hair, gold eyes, and is around five-three. Why?”

“Well, let’s just get this over with. Allan, Dennise is not your girlfriend.”

My head snapped up. “What’re you talkin’ about? How would you even know, anyway? You don’t know Denny!”

“Allan, she—”

“Is my fucking girlfriend! And you’re not gonna say any different!”

“Allan, why did you used to take pills?”

“ I don— What?” The question took me by surprise. “How did you know that I used to take pills?”

“Your parents told me you used to take antidepressants. Why did you used to take them?”

“I don’t see that this has any relevance to—” Then I remembered. “Oh my God…” I whispered, putting my head into my hands. “Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. Oh God, no!” I took a deep breath. “Please leave me alone.” Dr. Klopfler said nothing, but I heard him leave, and then heard the door close. Then I felt an arm around my shoulders. “I just wanna be alone, please.

“Alright, sweetheart. We’ll be back in a couple hours.” I lay in my bed, and curled up into a ball.

The next few of days passed in a blur. I got up only to go to the bathroom and eat. After the first day, I refused to eat anything, and got up only to use the bathroom. My parents came to see me a few times every day, but I refused to speak or react with them. Dr. Klopfler came in to talk to me, as well, but where I might look at my parents, I wouldn’t even acknowledge him, past a glance. He pushed me so hard once, that I screamed at him until he left.

I also attempted suicide, once. I had cut my wrists, and was lying there, when my parents came to visit me. They had my wrists bandaged, and had a nurse stay there with me, after that.

I tried suicide, although I never cried. Not once. It’s almost funny.

One day, I heard the door open, but didn’t even turn to look. I heard some whispering, and the nurse asked me if I would behave myself if she left. Getting no response, she sighed and I heard the door close. I heard my guest shift restlessly, but I still didn’t turn over, and kept staring at the wall. Once they had a shrink try to speak with me, but I didn’t talk, interact, or even look at him. Let them be frustrated, I thought to myself. Let them try to see what’s wrong with me. They could never understand, anyways…

“…Allan? It’s me, Rebecca…” I still didn’t look at her. I couldn’t. “Allan, will you talk to me? Please?” After I said nothing, she continued. “You’ve gotta stop moping around. I don’t know what’s wrong, no one would tell me, but it’s over, whatever it is.”

I took a deep breath. “Go away. I don’t want to talk to you…” Or anyone else, for that matter, I added silently.

“Why don’t you wanna talk to me? What could possibly be so bad that you won’t even talk to you parents? What?”

“I—I don’t want to talk about it. Please go away.”

“No, I don’t think I will. I’ll just sit here, ‘till you tell me what’s wrong.” She sat on the bed next to me. “Come on, it can’t be that bad. You can tell me, I promise I won’t tell anyone else.”

I laughed softly. “That’s exactly the problem, my parents already know.” I closed my eyes and shrank away from her. “Please leave, before I hurt you, too… Please. Just go…”

“I’m sorry, Allan. I’m not leaving this room un-”

“That’s not what I meant,” I said. I didn’t particularly want her to leave, anyway. “I meant that you should forget all about me, and get out of my life. Just… Go find someone else to bother…” I said this, hoping that I would hurt her feelings. If it did, she didn’t show it.

“No,” she went on, unfazed. “I’m not gonna leave, until I know what’s going on! You’ll just have to hurt me!”

I spun around so fast that I startled her. I caught her by the wrist, jerking her close to me. She began struggling to free herself, and then she caught sight of my face, and gasped. My face felt like it was contorted into a mask of pure anger. “Don’t ever say that. Ever!” Her gray eyes widened in fear, and her mouth hung open with terror. Her lips looked so soft, so inviting. Before I quite knew what I was doing, I leaned closer, about to kiss her. Her eyes opened even more, and, for a moment, their light grey turned the color of gold, though they were still filled with fear. Blanching, I threw her away from me. “Leave. Now,” I commanded, turning away again. “Before I hurt you…”

She was silent for a moment, and didn’t move. Then I heard her walk back up to the bed, and felt her sit down again. She began to rub my shoulder. “Allan, I know that you would never hurt me… I have absolute faith in you.”

I know you do, I thought darkly. And that’s what scares me. Then, all of a sudden, I broke down, and finally cried, shuddering as sobs wracked my body. I felt comforting arms wrap around me, and I buried my face into her shoulder. Rebecca began whispering soothing words into my ear. “I-I did s-something h-horrible! I-I…” I sobbed even harder.

“It’s alright, Allan. Tell me all about it.” So I did. I told her everything. I told her about Denny’s birthday. I told her about how we were talking, and sex came up. I told her about how we started making out. I told her about how we went further, how we began undressing, and how I went farther, even through Denny’s protests. I told her about how I raped Denny. About how I took away the one thing in Denny’s life that she should’ve kept longer. I took away her virginity. Her innocence.

I told her about how, following the incident, her parents screamed at me, but how Denny defended me, anyway. I told her about how I was on antidepressants for a year, and about how I tried to kill myself the other day. I told her about how I cared so much about her that I wanted to push her away, than risk hurting her. I told her all of that, and she still held me, and let me cry on her shoulder the whole time, without once flinching away.

After a while, my sobs eased, and I just lay on her shoulder, sniffing. It felt so comfortable to just lie there, with my horrible secret not between us. Then I realized that it was still between us, it was just out in the open.

I pulled back slowly. “You should just go.” I refused to meet her eyes, fearing the look of disgust there. “Jus— just go away.” I turned around, wiping my nose.

“I’ll go, if you can look me in the eyes and tell me that you want me to leave.” I didn’t want her to go. Not really. I felt her hands on my shoulders. “Look at me.” I did as she commanded, bracing myself for the worst. In fact, the words were so forceful, I was afraid that she might eat me if I didn’t do what she told me to… What I saw in her eyes was the compassion that I’d seen the other day. My breath caught in my chest, and my vision blurred. “I don’t see you as a bad person. I see someone who is ashamed for something that he did in the past. I see Allan. The Allan that wanted to protect me from himself; not the Allan who raped a girl. I see you.”

How can she see inside my head so easily? I wondered as I drew her close to me. I hugged her to my chest, and she snuggled closer. I felt a stab of fear, but then I heard her words in my head again, and I felt suddenly silly for those fears. As she laid her head on my chest, I rested my head atop hers. We lay that way for some time before I finally fell asleep.

When I awoke, she was still in my arms. It was much later, and the nurse was back in the room. She didn’t trust us very much. Apparently, her desire to sleep overpowered her desire to watch us though, for her head rested on her shoulder, and she was snoring softly.

I began stroking Rebecca’s hair, so softly as not to wake her. As I watched her steady breathing, I wondered how she could still like me, after I told her what I had done to Denny. Poor Denny… I sighed, making Rebecca stir. She moaned softly, shifted her position on my shoulder, then went back to sleep. As I looked at her face, I noticed that there were lines under her eyes, like she’d had trouble sleeping the last few nights. I felt even more horrible. Then I felt tired suddenly, and closed my eyes.

When they finally opened, I found that Rebecca was gone. It was bright daylight. But she hasn’t been gone more’n a minute, I thought to myself. I can still feel her warmth! Then I heard a door open. Looking over, I saw Rebecca come out of the bathroom.

“Hi, Sleepy head.” She walked over and stroked my head.

“Thank you,” I murmured to her. Looking around, I was happy to see that the nurse gone.

“For what, Allan?”

I cleared my throat. “Thanks. For… Letting me cry on your shoulder. And, well… For everything, I guess.” She returned my weak smile and cupped my cheeks in her hands. She lifted my face to hers and… I jerked back. “No! Please, no.”

She looked disappointed, but reluctantly nodded. “Okay, Allan. Okay…” Backing off, she walked over to the door. “I’ll get you something to eat. Okay?”

I nodded. “And you get yourself some sleep. ‘ Kay?” She nodded back, smirking. “Oh, and Rebecca? Could you please, umm? Could you not tell anyone? Please?”

Her smirk turned into a soft smile. “I promise. Not a soul. And, no,” she continued, forestalling my next question. “I won’t tell anyone about your soft side.” She laughed at my scowl, then left. So did I. I went straight to the bathroom, though.

When I got out, my parents had arrived and were standing there, talking with Rebecca. “…So then we just fell asleep, after awhile. Y’know how that happens sometimes? How you fall asleep, even though you try to stay awake? Yeah, that’s what happened to us. I think that I fell asleep first but- oh, Allan. Who fell asleep first, you or me? Cause I don’t remember. See, I was just telling your parents about how we were talking, and then you got a headache, so we just fell asleep. And-”

“Yeah, thanks.” For all that Rebecca seemed ditzy, she was actually rather smart. “That was all you had to say.”

My Mom walked over to me and put her arm around my shoulder. “Feelin’ better, Allan?” I nodded. “Good. We’ve got some food here, if you want something to eat.”

“Yeah, I ran into them when I was getting you some food, and I saw that they already had some. So then I walked back here with them and-“

“Yeah. I get the picture… I think I will have something to eat.” I sat down on the bed, and Rebecca handed me the platter. I picked up the spork and said, ”This food is blue. Food should not be blue.” I took a bite of it, and grimaced. “Yeech! It tastes horrible, too! I’m not eating this! I wouldn’t feed this stuff to a dog!”

“Just eat it, Allan,” my dad said. I shook my head.

Ignoring my Mother’s sigh and Rebecca’s snorting giggle, I opened my Jello and took a bite of it. “That’s better. A little.” Opening my apple juice, I downed it in one swallow. “Is this all you got?” My parents nodded at me. I snorted and ate the rest of my Jello and cold pasta (What they called ‘pasta’, at least).

“I’ll go get more food, if you want.”

“Naw, that’s alright, Dad. I’m gettin’ my own food, this time.” I stood up and put my sneakers on, having spent the last few days in my gym shorts and T-shirt. Then I stood up and limped over to the door.

“Allan, I don’t think you should leave just yet,” my dad said cautiously. “You could collapse at any time…”

“I honestly don’t care. I’ve had enough of this place, and I’m leaving now.”

Rebecca stepped in front of me, and laid her hands on my shoulders. “Allan, I think you should listen to your father in this.” She looked at me with those compassionate eyes, as if I were the most important thing in the world to her. I looked at her as if she were crazy. I grabbed her arms and pushed her to the side.

“Umm. I don’t really care.” I had to build up my defenses again. “I’m getting out of this shithole! And you ain’t gonna stop me. Now get outta my way!”

As I walked past Rebecca’s stunned look, I heard my mother mutter, “Don’t worry about that, Sweety. He’s not trying to be mean; it’s just the way he is…”

After rounding the first corner, I bumped into Dr. Klopfler. “Oh, I’m so sor… Allan! Where do you think you are going?”

“I thought that’d be obvious. I’m leaving.” Dr. K (I can’t pronounce it, anyway…) laid a restraining hand on my arm. “Umm. Remove your hand.”

“Mr. Hartie, I must insist that you stay here until we discharge you.”

“Alright,” I said with a sigh. “I’ve got three things to tell you. First, make up you’re fuckin’ mind! Either call me Allan, or call me Mr. Hartie. Don’t keep switching back and forth. It’s really beginning to piss me off. Second, I don’t really care who insists what. I’m leaving. Third, remove your hand, now!” I shoved him back, and continue limping down the hallway, toward the front doors.

Behind me I heard, “Young man! In the shorts! Come here.” Looking back, I saw two security guards walking in my direction. I turned back to the doors and ran. I heard them chase after me, but I made it safely to the door. I ran around a couple corners, until I could no longer run, and I leaned over, clutching my head. That’s when the pain hit.

I fell to my one good knee. My head felt like it was being rent asunder, and my leg began throbbing. A cry escaped through my gritted teeth, even though I tried to hold it in. I tried blinking back tears that had welled up in my eyes, but my vision dimmed, nonetheless. Climbing up, vision blurry, I stumbled forward.

I don’t know how long I went on like that, but I suddenly heard voices calling my name. Looking up, I saw Rebecca and my father running toward me, looking concerned. Then I found that I was on my knees, with no memory of when or how I’d gotten there. I shouldn’t be kneeling, I thought to myself in my usual darkly sardonic humor. My leg hurts! I began laughing uncontrollably, until the pain in my head finally made me black out…