Tim's Review

Hi Shannon. Welcome to our group!
Due to pressing job duties, I am temporarily (I hope) in slow motion here. I have nothing up for review, and I do only one or two reviews a week to keep my foot in the door. But I often try to check out newbies.
Out of curiosity I skimmed your work. It intrigued me enough that I had to post a review. It is fascinating, some of the best beginner's work I've seen here. But it also has some problems (which you know; you are here).
If you hang around long enough, you will learn that I am one of the harshest reviewers here, perhaps the most severe. So don't let criticism from me get you down. I do it only because I want to help you become the best writer possible, and I hope that when people review my work they are every bit as critical. Anyhow, enough. On to the review.

Item reviewed: A Lovely Shade of Grey, Chapter 1 by SBEdwards


Line by line

>> The first frost of the year crisped the grass beneath my feet as I took a shortcut across the Quad. <<

Lovely opening line. I do have a minor quibble about the logic of this statement. The word AS implies simultaneity, but I don't think the grass was crisping as she took the shortcut. It most likely crisped overnight. A picky editor or agent might be put off by that.


>> I'm a demon hunter and I'm good at my job. <<

Nice hook.


>> the never ending pit of doom that was my purse <<

Cute


>> I pushed my way into the office exhausted <<

The bane of first-person writing is over-use of "I" and I see it already in this work. I'm just a few short paragraphs in, and "I" has done something 22 times already. Seriously, this is a problem. Many agents and editors directly address this on their Web sites. If you work at it, you can come up with ways to reword sentences to avoid this. This is a vital habit to develop if you plan on writing an entire novel in first person.


>> Father Jacob O'Brien is my partner and the campus Chaplain. <<

This is largely personal opinion, so take it with a big grain of salt:
I'm feeling as if I'm getting too much of an introduction here. She is puttering around, drinking coffee, feeling sorry for her plant, walking, et cetera. That's already slow for my taste. Now we hear about this guy.

A common rule of thumb for new writers in today's market is that you have 200 words to grab the reader. The fact that she is a Demon Hunter is a nice hook, but right now that's all we have.

See what others say.


>> Taking a sip of coffee, I smiled at the young man <<

I'm seeing numerous sentences that begin with a present participial phrase. This structure is a bit awkward, and even though it is in common use, some modern editors discourage its use. I use it myself, but I think you are using it too often. It is starting to stand out to me.


>> Oblivious to the fact that a demon was now in residence, all eyes focused on me <<

I just commented on opening with present participial phrases. One problem with this sentence structure is that a good deal of the sentence passes before the subject is defined. Here you have the same thing, and it's a lot of words! Another danger of such constructions is potential dangling of the phrase. That may be the case here. Are the EYES oblivious? That's questionable. More likely it is the students who are oblivious.


>> a demon had slipped into the lecture hall and taken the seat closest to the door <<

I have a vague complaint about this. I'm sorry that I can't quite put my finger on the exact problem, but having a demon appear here struck me as odd.

Well, of course it's odd that a demon would appear in a classroom. Silly me. I worded my complaint badly. I'm struggling.

Okay, here it is, I think: It felt like obvious authorial manipulation. You're writing a novel about a demon hunter. It's the first chapter. So of course a demon needs to make an appearance! I don't know why the demon is here. He does nothing to make his intentions known. The heroine did not go into the classroom fearing that a demon would appear (her fear being based on some information that she recently encountered). In other words, this reader felt as if the ONLY reason the demon appeared at this time and place is that the author NEEDED a demon to appear now.

Here's a thought for you to consider: Earlier, I complained that you were spending too much time introducing her. You blew through your critical first 200 words with the only hook being that she's a demon hunter. That's interesting, but not much. Well, you could solve that problem and this by leading with fear of a demon. Maybe even in the first paragraph. It would be fine to raise the issue of a lurking demon before you reveal that she hunts them. Then the reader is prepared and fearful, along with her. Maybe she got a message that a particularly nasty one had been seen in the area. Maybe it is suspected of having a horrendous scheme in the works, or maybe it's hunting the hunter! However you do it, I think the tension would be a lot higher if she were alert and afraid as she walks to the building and enters the classroom.

My problem is that she has a casual morning and casually informs the reader that she's a demon hunter. Then, lo and behold, a demon makes an entrance. It's just too pat. Too transparently contrived. I think you need to open with the threat of a demon already in play.


>> concern started to permeate my mind <<

I hate STARTED and BEGAN. They are clutter words that weaken writing.


>> Walking slowly up the aisle, I nodded, my teeth gritted, “And I you, foul spirit.”
Tossing his head back, he chuckled, “Ouch. Smell me from there, do you?”
Ignoring him, I continued up the aisle <<

Earlier, I complained about your habit of starting sentences with present participial phrases. Here you have three in a row!
Some authorities recommend entirely banning this construction. I think that's extreme, but I agree with the idea in principle. I use them sparingly.


>> Only a few feet from him now, I snorted <<

Even when you don't use a present participle, you still love this structure which delays naming the subject of the sentence.
Seriously, you need to break this habit. It's good for variety, but you over-use it.


>> Out the door and gaining in thirty seconds, my feet hit grass <<

This is a particularly bad one because it dangles. As worded, this means that her FEET were out the door and gaining.
Well, I do grant that her feet are part of her, so this makes a bit of sense. But it's awkward. We both know that it is SHE who was out the door and gaining, not her feet.


>> God help us if he jumped <<

Saying this without telling us what JUMPED means is annoying.
You tell us soon, but I feel annoyed right now.


>> I hurdled a row of boxwoods landing in a flower bed of mums. <<

Here's another case in which your use of a present participle got you into big trouble.
This says that the boxwoods landed in the flowers. (Boxwoods is closer to LANDING than I.)


>> I did know one thing, trouble had come a courting <<

Comma splice


>> It's only 9:00 a.m. on a Monday morning and my week already sucked. <<

This just switched to present tense (IT IS). IT WAS.


Setting

Very nice. Perfect for me.


Characters and POV

I love her personality and manner of speaking. It's snarky and entertaining. You had many clever lines. I can easily bond to this character.


Referencing

No problems


Plot

In principle, your plot is wonderful. We have a demon hunter in a modern setting. Clever!
I do suggest that you consider my idea of opening with the idea of a demon on the prowl, and fear of it. Or some other alternative.
The bottom line is that it feels slow at first, and then contrived when the demon appears. I think you need to introduce tension much earlier, right up front. This will hook the reader more strongly, and also make the appearance of the demon feel less contrived.


Style/Voice

Your tone is excellent. It's smooth, easy to read, and a lot of fun. I like the way she speaks to the reader.

You do have a problem of over-using "I" here. It will be great exercise for you to go through this chapter and replace AT LEAST half of them, preferably two-thirds or more, with alternative wordings to avoid I. I know. You are thinking that it's impossible. It's not. Honest.

But most importantly, you have a SERIOUS, and I do mean serious, problem with starting sentences with participial phrase and relatives. In fact, you over-use ING words a lot. Use your word processor to search for ING. I think you will be shocked at how many you find. Halfway through this chapter, ING was flashing in Day-Glo orange.


Grammar

Excellent, nearly flawless. It is such a treat to read clean copy that the author has proofread before posting.


My Favorite Part

I loved it when she wondered why the demon was so confidently showing itself. Nice little shiver line.



SUMMARY:

This is a great concept for a novel, and you have great skill at writing. I see a lot of potential here.

This reminds me a lot of Jim Butcher. Have you read any of his work? If not, try Storm Hunter. You may find it inspirational.

Tim, AKA Sandy Samson