Am i crazy? i don't suffer like they say

I don't remember exactly when it started, I must have been around 6 years old. I know when it found out, nearly 8 years old.
I sort of remember the shed down south, maybe our woodshed as well. But getting caught sticks in my mind. My mother screamed, "Harold" was she calling for my father? or screaming at the person with the same name, who had just been caught?"
I was in tears, I felt bad and I also had a birthday party to go to. Would I be allowed to go??
I was taken to the doctor and got councelling. Grandma would come and visit on the bus. And we never went south.
Somewhere along the way, grandma didn't come on the bus anymore. He came as well. I was okay as long as there were people around me. I was safe.
I got older and somehow I felt safe around that person again, I could trust him, never forget but more aware and in control. Did he forget what he did?? I don't know, in some way I think he may have done.
Years passed, I in my early twenties. the phone rang late one night, never a good sign. Dad came inside..."okay kids, your grandfather has died"
"oh no" I said, as the tears fell down my face.
Pack up and down south we went to be with grandma.
At the church before the funeral, who was to carry the coffin?. I want to, I felt I deserved to, I was the oldest grandchild after all. I felt prepared to throw a tantrum if told, "girls don't carry coffins." No one challenged me, and i was one of 6 to carry the wooden box containg the man who had abused me so long ago.
I cried when i heard about the passing, I cried at the funeral, and i carried his coffin with pride. No matter what he did to me, wrong as it was, he was still my grandfather, I his granddaugher,and proud to be.
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Years latter afer my grandfather has passed away and i wonder if the abuse is still affecting me in ways i hadn't even realised? And maybe not so much the abuse itself, but all the shit that seems to have manifested from that one event, the people that have used the abuse as a reason to justify their actons and deeds that are questionable themselves morally and the likes.
How i feel around boys and how i act, i think comes back to what happened and the things that happened after. For years now i have always felt i was not letting boys get to close to me because of the fact i had been abused and knew what guys want. I was scard and i wanted to be more to them then just someone to get into bed. How to get around my fear that i hadn't really realised what it was doing to me. I wasn't too worried and was going with the flow, and anyway without the abuse i think my thoughts and feelings on the matter would be very much the same.
Come to one night whilst in bed, one horrible not where something just wouldn't let me sleep. emotionally charged, feeling down in the dumps about just about everything... when i think about me and how i feel with boys/realtionships, and i realise that my problem is not the same as i thought. That what i have been doing for ages and not even realised is this, my mind asses whether i would trust this guy enough to tell him about the abuse i sufered. and i have been scard for a long time about the fact even coming out in front of people. would people treat me different if they knew?
If i was to ever get into a relationship then at some point i would need to tell my partner about the abuse right? so when do i do that? and how do i know i should tell them? like i would only want to tell a partner if they are commited to me. i don't want to have told someone about my past and then the relationship ends for whatever reason, because that is a extra person who knows where it turns out they didn't need to know about my past in the first place, and that the thing that scares me...... more latter