Family Secrets

                                                Family secrets             
                                                        Prologue 

Elaine the oldest of four had two sisters Lisa and Allison and a brother Nicholas.  Her father Howard Livingston a flower shop owner, died when she was 14.  Her mother Betty a seamstress and her didn't get along while her father was live much less after her father’s passing. Her mother became mean and what Elaine called heartless.                                                     
  Elaine knew that there was some kind of dark secret about her past, not only because of the whispers the family members made while growing up, but because the very strange and timely letter she got, from someone that was no longer living, or so she thought. 

Even after she had gotten married to Brian Roberts, a music teacher  who swept her off of her feet, where she works as a 3th grade teacher, she still could not let go of the need to know.

  For Elaine, her whole life had changed in what seemed like a blink of any eye. It was more than just living in a different town, or working at a different job, it was living with a woman she hardly knew and yet getting to know this woman, this almost complete stranger, had proved harder at times, then running a marathon.   
                                                               
Life had changed more then she had ever thought it would and up until then Elaine had described her life as boring and nothing ever happened. Each day ran into the next and yet each moment felt like it was never going to end.  She had lived in the same town with the some people her whole life, but now all that was gone and she knew that was what she had chosen.

  Elaine and Brian had moved from Chicago Illinoi to be closer to her mother. Not because they really wanted to, but they knew that she was past the point she could make the move to live with them. 

In the months that followed their moved Elaine kept trying to keep an open mind with hopes that she and her mother could stand on some kind of commend ground.  It wasn’t like she disliked her mother or didn’t love her, she just had more issues then she knew to deal with and how was she feel after all these years, only time would tell what her heart couldn’t.

                                                     

                                                         
                                                      Chapter one:  Mother 
     

        “Good morning mom, sleep well?”

“Ya, I guess so, what’s for breakfast?” asked Betty with a sharpness that slapped Elaine in the face. 

“I have oatmeal on the stove if you want it” trying to keep a calm and controlled tone of voice, she helped Betty out of bed and into her wheelchair.

“When you’re ready just let me know and I’ll put some on the table for you, along with your morning paper.”  Elaine said with a forced smile.

“I’ll be there in a few mints. I don’t want a lot of oatmeal it make me constipated if I eat too much and don’t flood it with milk, I don’t want to eat soupy oatmeal” said Betty with a growl and impatience and only glancing toward Elaine, before she wheeled herself into the bathroom. 
Elaine trying to keep her mind on other things that she had to do for the day, she put the bowl of oatmeal on the table just as Betty come in the room.

"Here you go mom, still nice and hot for ya. Would you like some, OJ with your breakfast?"

“Yes, a small glass and I hope you didn’t overflow my oatmeal with milk.”

"No mom, I didn't"

  "Good!"  Snapped Betty in an ungrateful tone.

Elaine almost couldn't contain herself, she had been waiting for months for just the right moment to ask her mother about her grandmother’s diary and letter she had received and why had it been hidden for so long. 

"If I don't ask her now, I'm never going to and I have the right to know. Aunt Judy would not told me about the diary, if there wasn't something in it that I didn’t need to know about" thought Elaine

Putting the things of breakfast away she tried not to be too pushy in the way she asked her mother the most important question of her life.  Somehow she knew that this might change her life as her knew it.
"Mom, Aunt Judy call again the other day. I know you don't like it when I talk to her, but she said that it was very important that I listen to her and so I did.  She said that if you were not going to tell me that I needed to read grandma's diary.” Taking a deep breath and to see if she was listening Elaine continued.
                                                   
                                                         
"She said that I would find it life changing. She also said that you still have it.  Why does she want me to read it so badly? Why won’t you tell me what ever is in that diary? Trying to hold back tears she looked eye to eye “Please tell me so I don't have to read it. What in the world could be so bad that you can't tell me?"

The shame that had kept Betty from telling her daughter her past, still made it impossible to speak it now.  She spoke in a harsh tone trying to hide the overwhelming emotions of her own heart.

"You just need to mind your own business!"

"If it’s about me, don't I have a right to know?"

"There is nothing for you to know. Your aunt is talking about things that she doesn’t know anything about!  Said Betty with an almost a yell in her voice.

"But, why are you keeping things from me?"

"Because you’re better off not knowing, what you don't know."

"That’s unfair"

"Well life's not fair, get use it. I'm done talking to you about this. I'm going to watch T.V" 

She rolled herself into the living room as Elaine just stood there wiping her eye with her sleeve.

                                                             
Nothing had changed in 15 years. She had not known anything while growing up.  Elaine was use to this kind of treatment, this torment, this slashing to her heart. The scars and wounds go deep; she knows how to hide her heart well so that nothing can bring pain and suffering to her again.

But the bitterness that lived inside her mother was deep and powerful and she knew how to use it against Elaine.  She seemed to not have a heart, not a shred of kindness toward to anyone.

There was not much in common or to talk about after the age of 10 she and her mother never agreed on anything.  Her mother had never wanted to talk about the past, specifically her past, but now that they were sharing living space Elaine was in hopes that things would come to the suffuse and be talked out, But this would not be the case because her mother was more stubborn then she was.

As the days passed into months they both learned how to live together peacefully for the sake of Brian and he was OK with that.  He often wondered if he’d come home from work one day with Betty on the door step, because Elaine had kicked her out. But to his surprise it never happened.  Once in a while he could hear them yelling at each other, but it never went any farther then that.

As time passed it was noticeable that Betty was getting weaker and less able to do things for herself.  She was told by her doctor that she had a weak heart and it was just a matter of time, it was too late to do anything to correct it.
                                                       
  Then late one November night Betty blacked out while trying to get up out of bed. She landed on the floor of the bathroom.
                                                               
“I’m calling 911" yelled Brian as he rushed to the phone.

Elaine wasn't sure what do to. She just lade there helpless, her eyes full of fear.  For the fist time in Elaine's life she felt companion flood her heart toward her mother.  She knelt down and held her hand.

"It going to be OK mom, Brian is calling 911."

Betty didn't protest to this and for that matter she didn't say a thing. She too knew that the time for powering her mouth off was over.

"Elaine, they’re here" said Brain

"Oh, thank you for coming"
                     
"Where is she?" asked the paramedic

"She's in the bathroom in the back room at the end of the hall." said Brian leading the way.

"We'll need room, so I'll need you to stand over by the bed if you would please."
                                                         

Looking at him and then at her mother she turned and buried her face into Brian's chest. The next 30 mints was a bluer for the both of them.

"You can follow us to the ER if you like"

"Oh, OK." whispered Elaine.


              *                  *                      *                            *

Elaine had been sitting by her mother's bedside for nearly three weeks, hoping for some kind, any kind of improvement.

Betty, had suddenly felt ill almost a year ago, and despite the doctor’s efforts, she kept getting worse.  It seemed that time had run out for the both of them. There were still questions that needed to be answered, but now the one person that could remove the veil of mystery to past events and bring light to the dark secret that had been deeply hidden her whole life, was now fading fast and taking what she needed with her

As Elaine stood staring out the window she could feel hope escaping her heart, like a river over flowing its banks. They never really had much of a relationship, but she did love her mother and would miss her. She could already feel the ache of losing her.

Even though she has known that this day would come she was still not taking it as well as she has hopped. All she wanted to do now was hide somewhere and make this entire thing stop.
                                                                 
As tears ran down her face she whispered “Lord, So many years have been wasted on hurt feelings and misunderstanding, please forgive me for being so angry with my mother. I need your peace.”


It was a fact, her mother was dying and there was nothing that she could do about it. Elaine knew that she must keep her eyes on God’s plan, not her own, and her heart needed to stay open to Him if she was going to make it through this.  Her family was going to need her more than ever before was starting to making things feel so much harder. She was thanking God for the wonderful, loving husband that He had given to her as he walked in.

“How she doing?” asked Brian then kissed his wife.

“The doctor was just in a little while ago and said she doesn’t have long. He says I need to call the family together, so I was waiting until you got here.”
Sitting down next to her husband, Elaine continued in an exhausted tone.
“I just wish there was something more that we could do. It's just not fair after all this time.  I am still left with unanswered questions and a broken heart.  While growing up I never even heard her say she ever loved me, let alone hug me. After dad died it felt like I was left alone with a wicked step mother from Hell and I’m not joking.  Every time she got made at one of us kids, it was our fault that dad was gone.  How can I even after all she put me through, could I still want to hear her say, she loves me and that she doesn’t hate me.” 
  Elaine leaned over and laid her head on Brian and found herself unable to hold back the tears any longer. 
Patting her head like a loving father, Brian’s heart broke for her. Not really know what his wife was walking through, he did his best to let the love God flow through him and touch her heart, this is what she needed most.  Even if she couldn’t admit it herself, she could at least receive it from him.
“sweet heart, I so sorry”  said Brian not knowing what else to say.
  After what felt like hrs, Elaine sat up, wiped her face from the teas that kept running down her face. 
  “I guess I should go and make some calls to the rest of the family’ said Elaine 

“Ok, take your time and get something to eat you look like you could use a brake.” Said Brian; knowing that his wife needed her space and he was glad to be of any help he could to her.

Eyes so swollen Elaine almost couldn’t see straight she rummaged through her purse overly annoyed by the clutter, to find her cell, sighing she said
“I hope its in here and with that said she found it." Turning her cell on, she searched for her sisters  Lisa and Allison phone numbers.
                                                             
“I’ll also need to let Nicholas know." said Elaine thinking out loud.

    Writing each number on the back of a recite, she found it hard to keep herself together. The waves of emotions kept hitting Elaine in her gut, almost taking her breath way and yet knowing she had to keep it together somehow helped  her find the strength to not let it over power her. 

“Hun thanks for coming, I so love you, I shouldn’t be long. With a kiss she was on her way and out the door.

After getting a bit to eat Elaine knew it was time she made the dreaded phone calls. It wouldn’t be the easiest thing she’d ever done, but she knew that as long as she put her trust in God she’d be ok.

Realizing that her cell was on the last power bar and would not last very long so taking a deep breath she slipped the change into the pay phone.

Just coming in from shopping with his wife the phone ringing he hurried to answer it “Hello” he said

“Hi there little brother it’s Elaine”

“Oh my goodness, I haven’t heard from you in a long time, what’s up sis?”

Elaine dreading what she had to tell him next...                                                         

“Well, it not good Nicholas”

“No, what’s wrong?”

Doing the best she could do to hold back the tears she spoke.

“Its mom, she been sick for some time and now she’s in the hospital almost three weeks. I think Allison said that she told you that mom was sick a few moths back?”

“Ya, almost three months ago now, but I didn’t know she was that ill.”

“Jake, mom’s not going to make it this time. The doctor says she has two maybe three days. He said I needed to call her family. She has water on her heart and fluid in her lungs” said Elaine almost ready to burst with emotion.

“I’m so sorry, what can I do”

“can you come down?”

“I will be there as soon as I can. I’ll take the next flight out, even tonight if I can. I’ll call you before I leave”

“Thank you Nicholas, I knew you’d come. You can stay with Brian and me if you’d like.”

“Thanks sis, how you holding up though all of this? Do Lisa and Allison know yet?”
                                                         
“No, not yet. You were the first one I called. As for how I’m doing…I have my moments now and then. Sitting by and watching your mother fad away is very hard to do no matter how old you are. Brian and I have been taking turns sitting with her.

I really don’t know what I’d do without Brian and the Lord. I know its Jesus who has been sustaining me all though this, I can’t always see what His plan is, but just knowing I don’t have to walk through this alone is a big comfort.


“It’s good to hear you’ve been leaning on the Lord, sis. I know there was a time you didn’t know if you could trust Him. I’ve been praying for you. Don’t be afraid to give Him everything, He can handle it. You know Elaine; nothing can separate you from the love of Christ.”

With tear filled voice she responded

“I’m learning that I can trust Him no matter what’s going on. Thank you for your prayers.”

“Amen, sis”

“Nicholas, thank
you for coming and I’ll see you when you get here.”

“I just booked a flight on line for 10pm. I should be there around 1am or so. I’ll just come to the hospital when I get there.”


                                                             
“Ok, see ya then”

As soon as the receiver was hung Elaine could no longer hold in the tears. Sitting down and placing her face in her hands she let what felt like a title wave loose as the sobs came in waves.

Her heart cried out “Lord, I don’t know how I’m supposed to walk through this. I’m trying to trust you and I know it because of your strength that I’ve come this far. Please help me see you, help me know you’re here, I can’t do this alone.

Thank you for my husband what a blessing he is to my heart, but there is an empty place where he cannot fill. There are so many unanswered questions that I still have about my childhood.

As she prayed a soft warm blanket of peace seem to cover her acing heart and as she started the next call she could feel strength flooding into her being.

“Hi hon. sorry it took so long, I guess I did need a brake more than I thought.” Said Elaine as she pulled up a chair and sat next to her mother’s beside.

I’m glad you got a break, you look better, like you got life in ya again. So who’s coming?” asked Brian

“Nicholas is coming, he should be here around one am. Misty can only come for two days right now and Tracey wasn’t home so I left a message.”  Responded Elaine and then asked 
How’s mom?”

“She’s been pretty much the same her blood press her dropped another few, but the nurse said it was suspected.”
                                                             
“The doctor said that her kidneys would be the last to go, there only at 33 % as of this morning.”

“Brian you can go if you like, I know you have to be up in the morning for work. What time is it?”

“It’s almost 11pm”

“I didn’t realize it was that late, I guess I better go. I’ll stop by in the morning before I go to work. Call me if anything changes.”

“I will. I’ll be fine, I'll call you if I need anything. Nicholas should be here soon.”

Knowing his wife he thought it best to let her do things her way. She needed her space and time to let go.
In the kindest voice he could muster he spoke “Honey, you don’t have to push yourself so hard, you need sleep too. I know asking you to come home with me is not going to happen, but I will say, please get some rest, you are doing everything that is humanly possible and the rest is up to God and He doesn’t expect you to burn yourself out and nor does anyone else.”
Looking up at him she nodded then talking a deep breath she stood up and hugged her husband she could feel the compassion he had for her and knew that she was not alone and most of all she was loved.

He kissed his wife goodbye and grabbed his coat and out the door he went.

As soon as he was gone she started singing to the Lord. She wasn’t sure if her mother could hear her or not, but hoped it would bring comfort to her mother’s heart and her own.

Elaine was awakened by the soft taps on the door.

“Come in” she said
                                                             
slowly opening the door Nicholas stepped in quietly said "oh sorry to wake you"

walking across the room towards her he greeted her with a long awaited hug. She maybe the oldest but it always felt like he was really the oldest and wisest.

Then turning he softly kissed his mother’s cheek.

"How is she?" asked Nicholas as he laid his coat on the back of his chair and sat down.

"she's OK for now; we are just keeping her comfortable"

"that good to hear, and how are you?"


"I'm a little sleep deprived and my emotions are on a roller coaster, but other than that I'm doing OK. It’s so wonderful to see you. I so wish it was under different circumstances” smiled Elaine.

“I know me too." smiled Nicholas