I Write Fortune Cookies

         It’s not gonna get me. No, I refuse to let it get me. Not fate. I am a master of fate! Well, that’s an exaggeration. I’m a fortune teller, tarot card reader, mystic, spirit medium and professional liar. I excel at telling people what they want to hear. Fortune cookies? Ancient Chinese secret my ass, I write them. Yes, I really like knowing that my B.S. could affect people’s lives forever, but recently fate decided to get back at me.

    Three days ago I received a letter. I thought it odd (because I don’t have any friends rather than the fact that no one except geriatrics have sent real letters since 2000.), but decided to open it anyway. After opening it, I panicked. However, when I realized that it wasn’t anthrax, I calmed down quite a bit. Inside the envelope was a single page that read, “Beware the sting of death that will strike from above and below.” That’s rather amateurish…, I thought. I began to run through all of the people who knew what I did for a living and knew my address to play a practical joke like this on me. After counting out my mother and father, I was pretty much at a loss. I just decided to forget about it and went along with my day.

    After 3 hours of answering phone calls pretending to be Ms. Cleo, I wandered around the city, savoring the fresh air that I got so little of and silently laughing at all of the people around me. I thought, all of them are pathetic, allowing themselves to be dominated like slaves. And it’s true; all people are controlled by something. Some people are controlled by money, others a need for acceptance or belonging. Some are just controlled by other people, be it their boss, or spouse. Truly, human beings like to be told what to do. The only great people are those holding the leashes of everyone else. I fancied myself one of them. I thought that I was really making a difference though my ultimately insignificant manipulations. And I was so smug, thinking, but no one controls me. I’m the last free man in the planet. How wrong I was.
 
    During my walk back to my apartment, I heard a loud screeching sound. I thought nothing of it and kept walking. Several seconds later, I was jarred out of my indifference with a sign from god….or it was the air conditioner that nearly crushed me, I’m still not sure. I dashed back to my apartment and locked the door. After being absolutely sure that I no longer had anything to fear from homicidal air conditioners, I began to examine my predicament. I knew that this could’ve been a coincidence, hell it probably was, but that didn’t stop me from considering that someone really just wanted to kill me. Then I remembered the letter. It was at that moment that, in what was probably a fit of minor psychosis, I determined that Fate was trying to kill me. I thought that I had probably steered hundreds of people’s lives into ruin on mere whims with my predictions and Fate wanted blood. Particularly my blood. Being rather attached to my blood, I also decided that I would fight Fate at every turn. I called no man master, why should I bow down to Fate? I began to run through all of the things that could possibly kill me, according to the letter. My first thought was water. Water falls from the sky and comes from the ground, but I then realized that if I tried to cut water out of my life, I’d die a very smelly death and should try my luck catching another air conditioner. Ok, so I go through the rest of my life drinking milk and beer……not so bad……

    My next problem was traveling. If death could come from the sky or underground, I couldn’t readily travel. The idea of living the rest of my life in my apartment was attractive, but ultimately impractical. I decided that I would limit my going outside and when I did, be ever alert.

    I ran though several scenarios before finally retiring for the night. “What to do in the event of a plane falling toward you.”; “What to do in the event of a fissure forming at your feet”; “What to do during a Stay Puft marshmallow man attack.”; I had it all. The next morning was….uneventful. I went thought my daily routine as usual. Nothing happened, despite my heightened sense of paranoia. It was when I went for my walk that I realized the truth. I was in the middle of damning the people of the world as slaves and cowards, when I realized, I was just like them. I was no longer controlling the pathetic bastards; I was one of them. Fate had become my master. Right then I decided that my paranoia was useless. I would control the dregs of the world with my head held high! I would be no bondsman! I would stand tall with my foot on Fate’s neck! As long as I choose to live free, Fate will have no hold over me. That is my word.








         BREAKING NEWS: MAN STUNG TO DEATH BY AFRICAN MUD WASPS.