THE TANK- A Play in One Act

THE TANK
________

A Play in One Act

by

Russell Coy

CAST OF CHARACTERS

JORDAN:20s, arrested for shoplifting, fairly trendy in his wardrobe, likes to talk

ERIC:20s or 30s, arrested for public intoxication, hungover, wears thrift-store clothes, quiet-type

HOLDING-CELL GUARD

ARRESTING OFFICER


SETTING

A jail holding-cell in an small, unnamed city. There is a
processing desk at stage-left, and rows of chairs set up back-to- back.

TIME

Present-day, toward the beginning or end of winter when
coats are still worn and the skies switch between rain
and snow.



SCENE

(ERIC is laying across one row of chairs, asleep. The GUARD is standing against the wall, drinking coffee and
keeping watch.)

(Enter JORDAN, handcuffed and escorted by an OFFICER)

JORDAN
So, how long is this meant to take?

(OFFICER takes the handcuffs off JORDAN.)

OFFICER
They should be able to process you immediately, and if you go before the judge tonight, you'll know whether bail is set.

JORDAN
If! My car is in the middle of the fucking jungle. I'll be lucky if someone hasn't turned tricks in it, even by now.

OFFICER
If you want my advice, you might pour some sugar on your language. Otherwise, you might not see your car again until it's considered a classic

OFFICER
(to GUARD)
There you go. Have fun.

(Exit OFFICER)

GUARD
Come on over to this desk.

(JORDAN and GUARD walk over to the desk. GUARD sits behind the desk, JORDAN sits beside it.)

GUARD
What's your last name?

JORDAN
Hathaway.

GUARD
First name?

JORDAN
Daniel.

GUARD
Middle initial?

JORDAN
J.

GUARD
Date of birth?

JORDAN
August 8th, 1984.

GUARD
Current address?

JORDAN
91101 Center Drive, Apartment 321. And it's here in town.

GUARD
And what were you arrested for?

JORDAN
Suspicion of shoplifting.

GUARD
Are you HIV-positive?

JORDAN
No.

GUARD
Any other diseases that you're aware of?

JORDAN
No.

GUARD
Have you been diagnosed with any mental illnesses?

JORDAN
Yeah, panic attacks.

GUARD
Are you on any medication for them?

JORDAN
Lorazepam.

GUARD
What was that?

JORDAN
Lorazepam.

GUARD
Do you have any history of suicidal thoughts?

JORDAN
No.

GUARD
Are you feeling suicidal right now?

JORDAN
Not too much.

GUARD
What does that mean?

JORDAN
Nothing.

GUARD
Do you feel suicidal? Or do you feel the urge to
harm yourself right now?

JORDAN
No. Bad joke, that's all. Sorry.

GUARD
Let's pretend you don't like to make jokes, okay?

JORDAN
I can do that.

GUARD
Do you have anyone we should call in case of an
emergency?

JORDAN
Uh, Natalie Gibson. She lives at the same address.

(GUARD hands JORDAN a set of papers.)

GUARD
Okay. Sign these.

JORDAN
What are they?

GUARD
The first paper is a statement affirming that all of the information you've given me is correct. The second is a waiver.

JORDAN
What am I waiving?

GUARD
Basically, it says that if you're injured in any way or contract any diseases, you waive your right to take legal action against the facility. Say if you got pneumonia, then you agree not to sue us.

JORDAN
No, I'm not signing that.

GUARD
You're not signing it?

JORDAN
I don't want to sign it. If I get pneumonia in here and it's on you guys, then it's gonna be on you guys.

GUARD
Well, it doesn't really matter if you want to sign it, Daniel.

JORDAN
Jordan.

GUARD
How's that?

JORDAN
I go by my middle name.

GUARD
You're welcome not to sign it, but if you don't, you'll face more charges for not cooperating. That's the way it is. So, are we going to have a problem?

JORDAN
We'll have a problem if you cause it. You can't expect me to sign something that says "Go ahead, I don't mind if I die in here 'cause you don't keep things clean."

GUARD
You're not going to sign it?

JORDAN
Nope.

(GUARD reaches for the papers.)

GUARD
Okay. In that case, you got another charge coming back at ya. Or do you want to sign them now?

(Pause.)

JORDAN
All right, give it back.

GUARD
You wanna sign it now?

JORDAN
Yes, I'll fucking sign it now. Give it over.

(GUARD hands the papers back. JORDAN signs them and hands them back)

GUARD
Okay, go and have a seat and we'll call you when the judge is ready for you.

(JORDAN gets up and walks to the chairs but doesn't sit down. ERIC is awake and sitting up now, but clearly hungover.)

JORDAN
Bunch of bullshit, isn't it?

ERIC
How's that?

JORDAN
They could just make sure the place is clean, they could put the sick people in a separate area or something. They can clean the fucking toilet bowl once in awhile. But, all they care about is they don't want to get sued. Don't give a fuck if we live or die.

ERIC
Hmm.

JORDAN
Am I speaking the truth?

ERIC
Yeah, I guess.

JORDAN
Sorry, I'm Jordan. Is my talking giving you a headache? You look a little ate-up.

ERIC
Everything's giving me a headache, so you're fine. I'm Eric.

JORDAN
DUI?

ERIC
Nope, drunk in public. I showed up to work and knocked a paint-can onto a Berber carpet, and it didn't take my foreman long to figure out the rest.

JORDAN
Your foreman doesn't sound much like the forgiving type.

ERIC
My foreman? If you can imagine a Hobbit-looking fat guy with a limp that walks with a cane, and always wears sunglasses even when it's cloudy out, and always has some kind of shit-eating grin on his face, then you imagine what kind of guy you'd assume a person like that is, he's that kind of guy.

JORDAN
Ouch.

ERIC
Yeah, so now I'm sober as hell with a hangover on top, but I gotta be in here ten hours to "dry out" before I can post bond. Only be two-hundred though, so that's nice.

JORDAN
How long have you been here already?

ERIC
Four hours.

JORDAN
Did you hear about that high-school principal who was drunk-driving and almost ran over a four-year old girl, and he was friends with the cops that stopped him, so they called his wife to pick up the car and they gave him a ride home?

ERIC
Yeah, I heard about that. They suspended the cops for two weeks.

JORDAN
Two weeks, then back to work. Bunch of bullshit.

ERIC
I'm dreading when this ten hours is up.

JORDAN
Why?

ERIC
When I get out, my mom's gonna be out there waiting and it'll be nothing nice.

JORDAN
Do you live with your mom?

ERIC
Yeah. And I can't drive, so she's gotta be the one to pick me up.

JORDAN
No offense, man, but you look a little too old to be living at home.

ERIC
I am too old to live at home, but...you know.

JORDAN
Yeah, I know. They say it's supposed to rain later. Freezing rain. Then it's gonna snow, which means that when my charges are dropped, I have to walk out of this building, walk twenty blocks in the snow to my car which, by that time, will have the windows frozen over with ice. And, dummy that I am, I don't have a scraper. It's on 38th Street, though, so maybe I'll luck out and the windows
will be smashed in so I don't have to deal with it.

ERIC
You think you'll get your charges dropped?

JORDAN
I know I will. I wasn't doing anything, and they have no proof I was. Just some store manager wanted to make an example out of me.

ERIC
What is it he said you did?

JORDAN
I was in the dollar store, and you know how they have that rack with the disposable cameras?

ERIC
Yeah.

JORDAN
I picked one up and I was carrying it around, 'cause I didn't know if I was gonna buy it or not. I went over to wear the cards are, the Hallmark cards, cause my girlfriend's birthday is coming up. Well, you can't open up a card with one hand, so I put the camera in my jacket
pocket so I could flip through the cards more easier. And, apparently, I was seen doing this. So, once I headed to the front of the store with the card and I was going to pay for the camera, suddenly the manager and two cashiers bum-rushed me and accused me of shoplifting. I handed them the camera and explained what happened, but
the manager guy did not want to hear it. He locked
me in his office and called up the cops. 8

ERIC
That's fucked up.

JORDAN
It's crazy, isn't it?

ERIC
It's insane.

JORDAN
But here's the fucked up part. I'm waiting in the office, and he swings open the door and takes a picture of me with his cell phone. Says he's gonna send it to all the dollar stores in the region so I'll be banned forever. This guy is dead serious about it, too. He starts lecturing me on how everybody's shoplifting from him,
he can't run his business, how there's a million jobs out there and people are just lazy. Then, when I told him that I do have a job he said "Well, that makes this even worse, now doesn't it!" And then, he comes up and gets down on one knee and he says "I think we should pray," and he grabs both my hands and puts his head down and starts praying.

ERIC
Damn...guy has more problems than shoplifting.
JORDAN
Yeah, and at that moment, with his head down like that, I could have just smashed something on his head and made a run for it.

ERIC
Why didn't you?

JORDAN
Surveillance cameras, for one. Plus, the other guys would've came after me and I'm not a fast runner.

ERIC
This isn't a country for the Average Joe anymore.

JORDAN
That's for damn sure. You either gotta be the boss,
or you have to be a slave. And when the boss is pissed about something, you gotta stand there and take it,
'cause if you don't, they'll take your livelihood away
like throwing a dog out in the snow.

GUARD
Daniel Hathaway.

JORDAN
Jordan.

GUARD
Come on. We're taking you back.

JORDAN
Al-righty.

(JORDAN gets up.)

ERIC
Good luck, man.

JORDAN
You too. Later.

(JORDAN walks to the processing desk. The GUARD puts handcuffs on him and walks him offstage. ERIC lays back down and goes to sleep.)


CURTAIN