Standing above an Abyss

(First an apology to readers. In writing this story you might notice some errors. I'm writing this to work through an issue that could become disatourus in the future if not dealt with now. So from that comes this story. One day I might fix it, but just remeber it's just me working on me.)

We had been in the park when it happened. Can't say I was to surprised, after all this day was always one of my worst fears and God knew that. It's like God reached down inside of me and made my fear come to life. My ugly disease called eplipsey had passed on to my precious bundle of joy. We named her Hannah and she was the light of my life and when she fell off that swing and went into a grammal seizure I froze. Despite all the damn information in my head that was very useful in this situation I of all people froze. I was shocked I guess. I guess I had hoped that she would be spared from this fate. Spared from fighting the same fight I had been forced to fight for years. Spared from having to shove handfuls of pills down her throat, only to have another seizure and realize the medicene doesn't do a thing.

It was my husband who called 911 and practically dragged me to the car after the ambulance had carried her away. I don't really remember any of it because it was like I was frozen. I was still watching my baby falling off her swing over and over in instant reply in my head. I just couldn't believe it was happening to her.

"Hon, are you okay? You look a little pale and I would have thought you would have been the first to snap into action back there." said my husband clearly worried.

Finally I felt the shock wearing off and it was replaced by pure utter rage. I had never been so angry in my life. I had spent my life loving and putting a God first in my life that allowed my daughter to inherit my curse. How dare he! I felt my breathing growing heavier and felt the blood rushing to my face. I reached for the cross that hung around my neck. It had always been a symbol of my faith and before I had never felt right without it. Now it felt like a diseased worm around my neck and I couldn't wait to get rid of it. I tore the chain off my neck and through it at my husband who happened to work at the church.

"Next time you talk to your God tell him we aren't pals anymore. Tell him he deserted me the moment he gave my daughter eplipsey!" I shouted at the top of my lungs. "Hon, you do the talking at the hospital. I'm to pissed to say anything."

There was silence the rest of the way to the hospital. You could have heard a pindrop it was so quiet. I was still angry and trying to get my temper under control and my husband was probably beside himself with shock at my statement. I had always had a very strong and solid faith in God. He had always come first and suddenly what he thinks to be a bump causes me to throw that faith out the window, but what he didn't understand is it wasn't bump it was a wall. A thick one that could take years to plow my way through.

When we arrived at the hospital we found our daughter in the emergency room. It was the same drill I remembered, but this time I was in my mother's place. I was answering all the questions and my daughter was the one with the brain that was playing emotional ping pong. Eventually the crying faded and she drifted off to sleep and only briefly woke up when they took her blood to test it. Because this was the first seizure we were first to wait for the results and eventually a doctor came hours later with results and the name of a neurologist. I told him no thank you I already knew of a good one.

It was the next day and my little hannah noticed I wasn't wearing my little cross and she looked upset. So I bent down and picked her up.

"What's wrong honey?"

"Where's your cross momma. You said it was important to you. You always wear it."

"Recent events have changed my opinion."

"Why?"

"Well because one such as you shouldn't have to suffer like that?"

"I don't remember suffering? I remember feeling and tired and laughing and crying for no reason, but no suffering. I do have to admitt the needle hurt a bit and I wish I could remember the ambulance ride. I bet it was fun!"

"Never thought of it like that before. Thanks Hannah."

"No problem momma." said hannah as she said skipping off marrily.

While it's true I had been consumed with how this was going to effect her , but if she's not that bothered by it why should I be. Although I must admit God and I are on some rocky ground and it's going to take time to rebuild our relationship just like any relationship that went through a fight. Thank goodness that God forgives me for stupidity and blindness. Once again I was consumed with my own selfishness that I completely forgot how my own child thought on the subject. So it wasn't long before my husband gave me back my cross and I went back to wearing it again.

What really scared about this experience is that fact that during my short time away was like I was standing over an abyss. If I had bothered to look down I probably would have been lost for good. Thank goodness my daughter pulled firmly back onto the rock.

THE END