A very bad dream

Preface: A very bad dream

All I can remember is the sound of an ambulance and my step-dad calling out my name. The next thing I remember is waking up in a hospital bed, but something is not right, I can not move my hands. “What is going on?” I can barely say out loud. My mom comes out of no where to my right side crying her eyes out and says “Ashley, I’m so sorry, whatever I did to make you do this I’m so terribly sorry.” I have no clue what she is talking about, what did I do and why did I do it? Just then it all comes back: the fights with my stepfather, the arguments with my boyfriend, the lies that my best friend told me, and finally the last thing I remember, the knife I used to cut my own wrists. I promised myself that I would never resort to this, I had planned it out so many times, too many times. I knew that if I wanted to take away the pain I would have to finish the job. I guess I must have blacked out before I had the chance.

Then the nurse comes in and tells my mom that they have to run some tests and I might be able to go home soon. I told her “I’m so very sorry mom, please take me home, I just want to go home. . .” The nurse tells me that everything is fine and I don’t have to worry any more. Just then, I looked down at my body, I had IV’s sticking out of my arms and I was wearing practically nothing. I was so scared. All I could think was “how could I actually have failed?”

Just then, I woke up in my new bed at my new home. I suddenly remembered that no longer did I have to put up with the stuff I dealt with at home. No longer did I have to deal with all the stress and responsibility that wasn’t mine that I had. No longer did I have to sit in my room alone all day sulking and talking to random strangers online because now, I have friends, I have a family that cares, I have a life. I never did live that dream, but I often found myself planning it out, thinking about what I would do, what I might do, what I wanted to do. I am so grateful that I never did get to follow through with that plan. So grateful that I had the strength to ask for help. Finally, so grateful that I had at least one friend that I could go to, that I could trust with my life.