What Happens in Togo

"What do you think they're talking about?" Jenny whispered, leaning closer to Beth, glance directed toward the huddle of interns hunched around the bunk room door.

"Probably about you." Beth grunted, not lifting her graze from her work, "What do you think of these?" She held up a pudgy wrist, modeling a pair of newly shined copper bracelets, "Do they suit me?"

"Hmm..." Jenny made an indistinct sound, watching at the interns passed an object around, commenting in hushed voices. Beth frowned,

"No, they don't, do they? They look like something a prostitute would wear. Shiny objects attract men, you know. The person who wore these bracelets was probably a huge slut. Jenny, you want them?"

"Hmm? Oh! You're giving me a present?" Jenny gushed, holding out her hands as Beth removed the jewelry. Her eyes sparkled as she slid the bracelets on, shaking them a little so they jingled merrily. Behind her, someone cleared their throat. With a shriek of terror, Jenny spun around, blindly wielding a can of mace and filling the air with a small cloud of the stinging spray. Billie side-stepped the slowly descending mist and stared questioningly up at Jenny, lips pursed, eyebrows raised. "Oh, Billie, it's you!" She was obviously relieved. "Now that you're here, how do you like my outfit? I wore it just for you!" Jenny did a slow pirouette, showing of a scarlet feathered skirt, a brown tank-top, and a cardboard beak over her nose.

"You're a turkey?"

"Gobble, gobble!"

"I don't get it."

"Don't you remember?" Jenny sounded wounded.

"Remember what?"

"At dinner- last night- when we were eating beef stew, you told me -specifically- how much you missed Thanksgiving dinner, so I pieced together this costume! You remember now, right?"

"Yes. You look adorable. Now, can I see those bracelets?"

"Oh, you like?" Jenny chirped, holding out her hand for Billie to see. "Beth gave them to me as a present! Wasn't that sweet of her?" Billie gave a low whistle.

"These are beautiful." He breathed, all trace of sarcasm gone from his voice. With that, he briskly slid them off her wrist, turned, and walked away.

"See? I told you." Beth was smiling smugly. "Men love shiny things."
---
Artifact safely retrieved, Billie headed for the dune buggy, lifting a turtle from the hands of a Gothic looking intern as he passed.

"Hey," she whined, "give it back!" But Billie only waved sarcastically with the hand holding the bracelets. With a sigh of relief, Billie slid into the driver's seat of his personal buggy, which, as of a few weeks ago, was painted bright pink. He placed the turtle in the passenger's seat, and gently wrapped the bracelets up in a scrap of muslin before hitting the accelerator. With a growl, the dune buggy sped forward, spitting sand out behind it as it went. Vaguely, Billie wished the camp got radio reception, tapping his fingers on the wheel until he crested the final rise. In the valley below loomed a ten-foot-high hill of priceless treasures. Mahogany carvings, ivory jewelery, beautiful pots, cups, silverware, inscribed clay tablets, incredible stone statues- remnants of ancient times showing the creativity and intelligence of people whose names had long since been forgotten. The scene instilled Billie with a strange combination of pride and despair. When were the trucks going to come and deliver his discoveries from the hands of his incompetent, moronic coworkers? With a snort of disgust, Billie turned to the passenger seat, hand outstretched to grab the bracelets. They were gone. The turtle turned its head to stare at Billie, blinking remorselessly up at him. Sudden realization dawned on Billie.

"Dammit!" He shouted at the creature, picking it up and giving it a shake,"Did you eat them?" From inside the turtle came a dull clank. With a sound somewhere between a sob and a whine, Billie let his head fall onto the steering wheel, taking comfort in the blare of the horn. It was a long time before Billie finally found the strength to turn the buggy around and head back to camp.
---
"Here." With a clunk, Billie dropped the turtle on the the desk, pink-eared and scowling. "It ate a pair of bracelets, so if there's anything you want to do about that, go right ahead. Be my guest. If you somehow get them out, please, don't hesitate to tell me."

"Oh, Jackie!" Zaffy gasped, picking up the turtle and clutching it to his chest, "I'm so sorry I let the interns abduct you! It will never happen again. Could you ever possibly forgive me?" The turtle's legs paddled uselessly at the air, caught in Zaffy's overenthusiastic embrace. "Thank you." He sighed, nuzzling the turtle's beak before placing it gently on his cot. "And thank you, Bill-eh, for returning her to me." Billie rolled his eyes, arms crossed over his chest.

"Keep track of your turtles so that they don't cause any more trouble." Billie growled, trying to sound imposing despite the fact he was only half of Zaffy's size.

"Oh, of course I will Bill-eh. And I'm sure Jackie didn't mean to eat your bracelets. It's just the interns stole my turtle food, so they're really, really hungry. And they're vegetarians, so I can't feed them goat. So I have to go out and find leaves and grass for them, but that's hard when your in the middle of the desert!"

"And yet they eat metal?" Billie asked bitterly, shaking his head as he turned to leave, and almost bumping into Claude on his way out. "'Scuse me, Claude." Billie sighed as he exited the tent. Zaffy frowned,

"Hey Lisa, why does Bill-eh always call you a guy's name?" The cross dresser smiled, and shrugged,

"Maybe because he doesn't like me much?"

"Hmm... Yeah, must be. That's not nice of him. You always seem really sweet to me."
---
"I don't get it, Beth." Jenny sighed, pushing back a lock of blond hair from her face, and putting down her trowel. "I worked so hard on this outfit, and I talk to Billie, and I try to be sweet to him, and I always do whatever he asks me to, but he still doesn't even give me a second glance. Am I really ugly?" She turned to face Beth, a pout on her cute pink mouth. Beth looked at the pretty face of her co-worker and wrinkled her nose, leaning back on her stolen throne.

"Eh- I hate to say it... But- yes. You're not exactly a prize pumpkin."

"I knew it!" Jenny sobbed, hiding her face in her hands. "Billie could never want me!"

"There is some hope though..." Beth drawled, taking a sip of her water.

"Oh, really?" Jenny asked breathlessly, looking up again, mascara streaking her cheeks. "What? Oh, Beth, sweetie, please tell me!"

"First..." Beth droned, eyes half-closed, "You have to ditch those costumes. You may think they're 'super-adorable' or whatever, but they're not. You should borrow some of my clothes! And that make-up? Not near enough. And... Come here. Let me see your stomach." Jenny stood up, and lifted her tank-top, revealing a smooth, tanned midriff. Beth gasped, putting a hand over her mouth.

"Are you anorexic? Seriously, do you eat?" Jenny looked shocked.

"Of course I do! Is it really that bad?"

"It's terrible. I mean, I can almost see your ribs. Really, it's a miracle you're not dead. You need to eat more. A lot more. This is urgent. Come on." With some effort, Beth shoved herself of her throne and waddled toward her tent, Jenny sticking close to her heels. It was so lucky she had a friend like Beth! What would she do without her?
---
In Beth's tent, Jenny stood self-consciously in the corner in her tank-top and underwear, puffing out her stomach as she popped Reece's Peanut-butter Cups in her mouth- Apparently Beth kept a stash of them under her bed. Her feathered skirt and beak sat abandoned on the ground beside her, and Beth was digging through a chest of drawers, trying to find something truly hideous. Shoved into one corner was a splotch of Pepto-Bismol pink. Grinning, Beth pulled out her old eighties aerobics outfit- that had been before she had surrendered to the fate of being squat. It consisted of pink tights, fluffy pink legwarmers, and a baggy, pink, striped t-shirt.

"Look! This is perfect!" Beth chirped, voice sickeningly sweet, holding out the bundle of Lycra to Jenny. Jenny smiled,

"Thanks so much Beth. You're a life-saver. It's just... Billie is so sweet, and smart and responsible, and oh, I don't know... In charge. He always knows what he's doing, and what everyone else should do. Controlling- but in a totally amazing way!"

"He's four feet tall."

"I know! Isn't he adorable?" Beth rolled her eyes behind Jenny's back.

"Well, I guess I'll leave you to change them. And don't forget what I said about the make-up." With that, Beth shuffled out. Jenny preceded to change into Beth's old aerobics gear, until she was standing in front of the mirror all in sugary pink, strawberry-blonde hair pushed back from her face with a sparkly head band. Now for the makeup...
---
Twenty minutes later, the sun floated on the horizon, and Billie looked up from his desk. The smell of roast goat drifted in from the fluttering tent door. Dinner time. Sure enough, the dinner bell started to ring. Stretching, Billie got to his feet and walked into the picnic grounds. Zaffy stood in a slightly stained and rather lop-sided chef's uniform, slicing the roast goat. He grinned and waved at Billie as the manager took his seat at the head of the table. Already, a few of the interns were sitting at their separate table, backs turned conspiratorially against the table of their superiors. This surprised Billie. Having usurped the bunk-house, the interns normally had spaghetti night on Fridays. He paused, listening for sounds of suspicious activity- but before he got a chance to hear a thing, Jenny bounced in next to him, sliding him a plate of roast goat and mashed yams.

"Than-" But that was as far as Billie got. Jenny was grinning so wildly, her smile was threatening to obscure her ears. "What is-" But Billie didn't get to finish that either. He had noticed her outfit. His jaw dropped. "You- you look... Really..." But he shook his head suddenly, and his face resumed it's normal look of mild disinterest. "Cute outfit. Pepto-Bismol pink is my favorite color."

"Really?" Jenny gushed, clutching her hands to her heart.

"Yeah." Billie said lightly. "And did you do your makeup yourself?"

"Yes!" Jenny fluttered her eyelashes, showing off her artful eyeshadow. "Do you like it?"

"It's pretty. When you go home, you should consider being a make-up artist." Though, Jenny would be better at anything than archeology.

"Hey, Billie," Jenny asked slowly, twirling a lock of hair, "I was wondering..." A noise that resembled a small avalanche erupted from the bunk-room. Billie lept to his feet.

"What the heck...?" And ran to investigate. Shoot. Jenny pouted. But still, her heart was fluttering. Billie had complemented her! Actually liked her outfit! This was amazing! Beth was a genius! Zaffy, who had been listening to the conversation, walked quietly up behind Jenny, speaking softly so as not to embarrasses her in front of everyone.

"Hey, Jenny. You have to pronounce his name-" Jenny screamed, jumping onto the picnic table and spraying Zaffy full in the face with Mace.
---
Beth skulked outside Billie's tent, waiting for him to return from the bunk-house. It was hard to tell how the conversation between Jenny and Billie had gone. Jenny had thanked her a thousand times over- but Jenny was a moron. Beth wasn't about to take her word things had gone well. It was almost pitch black by the time Billie walked back to the tent, sweating a little, jeans torn. He jumped when Beth scuttled out of the shadows, blocking the door.

"So, Billie," She said quickly as her boss regained composure, "What was that all about?" Billie sighed,

"The interns and their turtle fighting ring. They're feeding them spaghetti and the it's making them gigantic. Apparently that huge crash was them breaking out of their cage."

"Ohh, so that's why they weren't holding spaghetti night."

"Yeah, its turtle fodder now. Hey, I'm tired. Do you need anything else? I kind of want to get to bed."

"Oh, yes. I wanted to know what you were talking about with Jenny." Billie narrowed his eyes, looking up at Beth doubtfully.

"It's just that she seemed really happy afterward and kept thanking me for her outfit." Beth explained hurriedly, trying to sound innocent.

"Oh, yeah. I-I just told her I thought she looked cute." Beth struggled to hide a grimace.

"Oh, really? So, are you two... You know?" Billie laughed, shaking his head.

"Me? No. I'm married. I have two darling little daughters and a wonderful, beautiful wife back in Maryland. I could never violate that. No matter how far away I am."

"Oh, of course." Beth smiled. That was a relief. "Good night then, Billie."

"Night." And Beth headed off to bed.
---
In a strange bed, in a strange house in California, Mrs. Carla Billie Adams woke up at one o'clock in the afternoon with an awful hang-over to a very attractive Puerto-Rican and blueberry pancakes.

The End