Tears of an Angel

Diary 1

         I never imagined how cruel love could be.  How fleeting happiness can be until a few years ago.  My name is Julia Hope and I have a story to tell.  I always thought something was different about me.  I never could guess what it was.  I'm only eighteen and I have no experience of drugs or drama.  I am pure at heart.  Untouched by wickedness but my whole life turned upside down the moment I had reached high school.  Here came the drama, the relationships and fights.  Why my classmates fought wiht each other was beyond me.  It came as a surprise.  We once played together in elementary school.  There was so much fun things we could do that fighting was the last thing on our minds.  Now they have taken away our toys which we use to play on.  Now we enter a whole new world.  A world of peril. 
         I sometimes wonder if they gave us our slides and swings back would we still be fighting?  Our recess is only forty-five minutes long but all we can do is talk and talking can lead to hurt feeling and then fighting.  So why talk?  I'm afraid that if I talk I'll get into a fight.  I don't want to fight anyone.  I just want to be left alone.  I wanted to escape.  But how?  Now that was the question.  How could I escape from all this?  I didn't want to have anything to do with this.  I found my solution sooner than I thought.  Writing.  I found a new love in life.  Writing was another way to express my feelings.  I can draw too.  I'm a reputable artist in Morrilton Junior High.  Especially when it comes to dragons.  I love dragons.  People ask me why I draw them and not other things.  I told them that I can draw a thousand dragons and not one will look the same.  I can't stand to draw something that is all ready real.  Take a chair for example.  There's nothing you can make out of it.  I can draw one of those things in a heartbeat but I can't do anything creative with it except maybe give it some spikes or draw dragon designs on it. 
         Unlike most people my imagination is always soaring.  Whenever I have the time I'm always pondering.  The world inspires me.  It's so vast and mysterious.  It's like taking in all the oceans of this world in one sight.  It goes on and on and on.  For me the world is like an ocean.  Sometimes I feel like I'm a young sailor who just got promoted to captain.  I make my own chart.  But like the ocean you never know what's lying in wait ahead.  My ship is called Hopefinder.  She's very big and sturdy with great white sails and towering masts.  I look at it in my mind and think that nothing can subdue her.  I was wrong.  My ship eventually ran aground by something you thought was harmless.  Love. 
         My ship ran aground in the midst of a raging hurricane and ran into sharp rocks.  But like all ship wrecks there is at least one survivor.  Even if you run afoul once it doesn't keep this captain from moving on.  Love is a battlefield.  Love is powerful.  Love is like a person that lives inside all of us.  It does what it wants and hurts who it likes.  Love is unassuming.  It is neither selfish or charitable.  It is untamable.  Almost everyone has ran afoul with Love in their own way, but those of you who have not you may count yourself both lucky and cursed.  Love is a beautiful thing but it can also be cruel.  Yes. Cruel.  I know who Cruel is.  Cruel is a constant buddy of mine.  He likes to cause pain and he tries to bring me down.  Cruel is like the Mr. Hyde of Love.  Love may be sweet and flattering at first but when she is provoked all mortals cower before her wrath.  Cruel reminds me of a beautiful yet terrible goddess.  She is always wet from the tears of those that were shed.  These tears feed her.
         What more can I say about love?  Yes, it is blind, cruel, heartless, peaceful, romantic, kind and mysterious.  But the worst that Love can do is trick you.  Love will sometimes trick you into falling in love with your best friends.  I was dumb enough to fall into Love's trap.  My story is sad but it is the truth.  What you will read may be too unbearable.  It was for me for.  I learned the hard way.  The worst thing in life that Love can do is take your best friends away from you.  This is my story.

Diary 2

         I was at school sitting alone at the lunch table by myself as always.  I'm a loner mostly.  No one really likes to hang out with me and I don't know why.  A lot of times I wish I could be popular and have a lot of friends.  They seem to always be happy and have something to look forward to each day.  I'm always alone though.  I do have friends but it just isn't enough.  I wish I had a boyfriend.  I've been single for a few years now and have yet to find a guy who I can bond with.  I read a lot of those seventeen magazines and how to find love on the internet.  Reading other people's experiences helps me to understand what love is but at the same time I didn’t understand it because I have never experienced it before.  I wanted to experience it.  That's what I craved for.  I had no idea my wish would come true.  Now I understand when they say be careful what you wish for.
         As I was saying.  I was sitting a long at my table reading City of Bones, a book about vampires and mythical beings, when my best friend Charles Lonoke comes up and sits beside me.  I smiled up at him but I noticed he looked a bit sad.  (Now there is something you must know about me and Charles.  Me and him go way back to fourth grade.  I've known him a long time.  It was just two years ago in my freshman year that he asked me out.  I said yes but as we were going out I didn't feel anything for him.  He felt too much like a friend to me.  So I broke up with him the following day.  Call me heartless if you want but I ended up regretting it and this is where it all began.  A journey that would end in disaster.  If I had known the future right than and there I would have said no.  But now all of us are gifted with psychic powers.)  He was sad.  I could tell.  He flashed me a convincing smile and hugged me. 
         My world exploded.  What just happened?  I thought as he let me go.  I didn't want to let go.  I wanted him to keep hugging me close to him.  My heartbeat was pumping and I got a feathery feeling inside of me.  I felt like I was floating.  He didn't seem to notice so he got up and headed to the breakfast line.  While he was gone I sat dumbstruck.  What were these feelings?  Why am I feeling them now?  Two years I had suppressed them.  I liked him now of course.  Ever since he went out with Katy Banner I envied her.  I realized then what I had let go.  He would have been good to me and cared for me.  He would never hurt me.  (That was my mistake.  Believing that your best friend cannot hurt you.  That is a lie.)
         My heart was still racing when he returned with his tray of food.  I was wondering why he was sitting with me today.  He never sits by me.  He's always outside waiting for his girlfriend to arrive.  I felt a tingle of jealousy and bit my lip. 
         "So," I said.  "How are you?"
         He nods.  "Good.  How have you been?"
         I shrug.  "The same."
         "You should have been in sixth period class with me yesterday," he said.  "We were talking about crazy stuff."
         I nod and watched him eat.  I took this time to study him.  He certainly has changed.  He's taller than me now, lean and muscular and quite attractive.  My stomach churns.  What he said next surprised me.
         "I've been single now for four days now," he said.  He looked at me and all I did was nod.  What else could I do?  Cry for joy?  I don't think so. 
         "Katy Banner?" I asked.  He nodded and I saw a look of hurt on his face at her name but I ignored that.  (Rule number one:  Don't ignore these kind of looks when you bring up their ex girlfriend's name.  It shows what they still feel about them.)  I ignored it thinking he would get over it.
         "How long did ya'll do out?" I asked him.
         "Three months," he said.  (Rule number 2:  Keep in mind that three months is a long relationship and enough time to grow feelings for someone.)  Of course I ignored that because I was jumping for joy inside thinking that there might still be hope to go back out with him.  (Rule number 3:  Don't ask a guy out right when he has just broken up form a relationship.)  I'm oblivious to all these signs. 
         "I guess that's why she looked sad on the bus yesterday," I said.  Another look of sorrow passed over his face as he looked down at his now empty plate.  He gets up and puts his tray up and returns to give me a hug.  Once again my heart jumps against my chest.  I'm glad he can't see it.  I watched him go outside with a look of longing.  For the rest of that day I pondered over the conversation.  Should I ask him out?  These feelings I have for him are so strong that I can hardly suppress them.  Two years I've harbored them and all it takes is one hug to release them.  Just one hug.  One intimate touch.  A spark.  A bond.  I was falling in love with my best friend.  It was a feeling of immense happiness.  It took away all my sorrows and troubles.  I felt light.  I decided by the end of the day I was going to ask him out.  Tomorrow.

Diary 3


         When tomorrow came school was out.  It had snowed.  I cursed the bad luck.  I had worked hours trying to write him a convincing note and now I can't give it to him.  As I sat at my computer writing I felt a strange feeling inside of me.  Like a small tug as if someone trying to get your attention.  I didn't know what it was then but later I found out it was my  conscience.  I felt as if I wasn't suppose to give him the note.  But why?  The snow to me felt like a barrier.  Was this a sign?  Should I not give him the note?  I had all weekend to think about it but come Monday morning I renewed my confidence and gave the note to a friend of mine to give to him.  All that day I felt nervous.  I was risking a lot I must say.  I was more worried about losing him as a friend than him saying no.  I began to feel sick.  Sarah, the friend I gave it to was suppose to give it to him seventh period.  It was seventh period now.  I'm sitting in Mr. Jones’s English class with a nervous look.  I was imagining him reading it.  What would he think of me then?  He's probably gonna hate me.  I got that strange feeling again and I wished then I hadn't given it to him.  I don't why I felt like that but I just did but it was too late.  He had got the message.
         When school let out I tried to hide myself in the crowds afraid to face him.  I texted Sarah and asked her what he said.  She told me he would think about it.  Think about it?  Something was definitely wrong.  Either he doesn't like me or he is still in love with his ex.  I felt really sick now and an idiot.  When I got home I called my best friend Cleo and told her how I felt.  She said, "Don't feel stupid.  Look at it this way, you took the chance at least.  Would you rather have not told him anything and not know what could have happened?"
         "True that," I said.  "It took a lot of guilt off my shoulders at least.  I hope he'll give me another chance."
         After talking with her it cheered me up but that strange nagging feeling kept bothering me.  Tomorrow was Tuesday and I would have to face him.  At the same time I hoped he would say yes but the other half hoped he said no.  I'm confused now.  Which is it do I want?  Tuesday came and I had my mom drop me off at the back so I didn't have to face him.  He's always in the front where people get dropped off.  I slowly made my way down the stairs to the cafeteria and I felt I could walk up and down them a hundred times just to delay.  Taking a deep breath I entered the cafeteria and my eyes scanned the people there.  He wasn't among them.  Good.  He must still be outside.  I sit down at my table and read my book.  I half expected him to come up and talk to me but he never did.  My friends Becky and Kayla arrived later and I told them what I had done.  They gave me encouraging pats but I still felt the nagging feeling.  I wished now I hadn't asked him out.
         The bell rang for first period and I hurried as fast as I could to my Creative Writing class.  Cleo was all ready in there sitting at her desk with her computer.  The teacher, Mrs. Belle was on the overhead.  Distance Learning class was a new thing for out school where out teacher was in another place but yet on out overhead projector.  I took my seat and hooked up my computer.  My other friend Kelsey arrived and she beckons me over to her.
         "I heard a rumor that you asked Charles back out?" she said.
         My heart fell.  So now the whole school knows.  "News travels fast."  Well duh! I thought.  It's high school.  What do you expect? 
         "You do know that he is going back out with his ex right?" she asked me.
         Now I really felt sick.  No. Disappointed.  "No."
         "They went back out last night," she told me.  "I told him not to go back out with her.  She cheated on him."
         "Oh," I said.  "Oh well.  It was his choice."
         "Yeah but I wanted ya'll to go out," she said.  This made me feel happy.  "I'll talk to him."
         When first period ended I headed to second.  Sarah came up to me and asked," Well.  Did you talk to him?"
         I looked up at her with a sad look and said, "He's going back out with his ex."
         "You're kidding me?" she said aghast.  "That butthole!  I'm gonna ring his little neck.  What an idiot!"
         I couldn't help but laugh.  For Algebra 2 we just did some problems but I had finished them and went over to talk to Sarah.  She was angry with Charles.  I could tell. 
         "I'm talking to him seventh period," she said.  "Boys are such idiots!  Why on earth would he go back out with her?"
         Maybe because he still had feelings for her, I thought miserably.  For the rest of that day I acted as normal as can be.  I'm good at covering up how I feel but when I got home I broke down crying.  I didn't realize I cared for him so much.  Why me?  I thought.  Why must this always happen to me?  I can't be in love with him.  It's wrong but it feels right.  I cried myself to sleep and woke up the next morning a wreck.  I didn't go to school.  I needed to be alone with my thoughts.  It was Wednesday night.  I'm suppose to go to church.  I don't really feel like going.  I'm not gonna go.  As I sat at the table drawing a dragon I get a text message.  I almost feinted when I saw it.
It read: Hey.  This is Charles.
         I couldn't believe it.  I replied in text. Hey.  He wrote back saying, What you doing?  I replied, Nothing much.  Just moping around.  U?
         Nothing much.  Where were you today?  I was looking for you?
         My heart leaped.  He was looking for me?
         I got sick today.
         Got an answer for you.
         Okay shoot and if its no it won't hurt me as much as losing you as one of my best friends.
         its a yes.
         My heart cried for joy.  I couldn't believe this.
         Me and him texted for a while and then I said I had to go.  He shocked me at his next words.  He said, See you tomorrow.  Love ya.
         Love?  He loves me?  I was crying now.  Crying because I was happy.  My grandma came in and had to hug me.  I needed a hug.  All that crying yesterday for nothing.  Now I wished I had gone to school today.  I can't wait to see him tomorrow.  I called up Cleo and told her the good news.  She wasn't as enthusiastic as I was but she was happy for me all the same.  It felt good having a boyfriend again and I made an oath right then I would keep this relationship.  That everything was going to be all right.  The nagging feeling was gone so I took that as a good sign.
         "Cleo, can you do me a favor?" I asked her over the phone.
         "Sure," she said.
         "Can you change my relationship status on facebook for me?"
         "You're that eager to change it?" she asked.
         I laughed.  "Yep."
         "Hold on," she said.  I waited five minutes until she told me she confirmed it. 
         When I got off the phone with her later on I went to bed.  I tossed and turned all night because I was so excited and anxious to see him.

  Diary 4


         When morning came I felt exhausted.  My mom dropped me off at school and I went in and sat at my table.  Charles came up behind me and placed his hands over my eyes.  I knew it was him instantly.  He sat down beside me and we talked.
         "I'm going down the hallway to Mrs. Star's room.  Want to come with me?" he asked.
         "Sure," I said.  At this point I would follow him everywhere.  Well...not everywhere.  We walked and talked down the hallway and when we found that Mrs. Star wasn't here yet we walked all the way back and instead of sitting back down we went outside.  His friends were waiting for him.  I stood watching Charles with a loving look.  A slight cold breeze caused me to wrap my coat around me tighter.  Charles stood beside me and drew me into his arms.  The feel of him next to me was the best feeling.  I felt safe and protected from the world.  I thought he was going to keep his arms around me but he withdrew.  Then he laid his head on my shoulder.  I wished someone had had a camera.
         He drew me back into his arms again and hugged me.  The way he kept hugging me on and off made me think that he couldn’t hardly believe I was actually his girlfriend.  It was as if he had to hug me to reassure I was there.  First bell rang and I was reluctant to leave him.  Lunch came sooner than expected and he joined me and Cleo at our table.  He flirted around with me and when lunch ended he walked me to my next class.  That was the last time I saw him until the next day.  Today was Friday!  We are suppose to have a pep rally in the junior high gym.  I can't wait because I get to sit by him.  When my mom dropped me off at school I went inside and sat at my table. Charles came up and laid his head on my shoulder scaring me.  We headed outside to chat and this time when he hugged me it was a lingering hug.  He drew me into his arms and I could tell that he wasn't quite sure if he should do that.  I don't know how I knew but I could tell.  He wasn't sure of me.  Knowing me though I ignored it and as he began to draw away I tried to save that moment and kept my head against his chest.  He got the message and kept me in his arms but once again he drew away.  Something is not right, I thought. 
         The first bell rang sooner than expected.  I felt like I had been standing in his arms for only a minute.  When lunch came he couldn't sit by me because the seniors at our table returned from collage day so there were no more seats.  I realized that he sat just opposite us at the next table.  So close yet so far away, I thought to myself.  My heart tried to reach out for him it seemed.  I couldn't stand not being without him.  He was like my shadow.  Another part to me.  He had come up to me and laid his hand on my side and his head on my head.
         "I'm going outside," he said.  I reached up and cupped his face with my hand in a loving gesture.  He then left.  When the bell rang I walked with Cleo to her locker and Charles came up behind me and tucked his hands under my backpack against my back.
         "You're warm," he said.  He then placed cold hands on my neck.
         "And you're cold," I laughed.  He walked me to my next class and we departed.  Thank goodness our classes were shortened because I was anxious to see him again.  Fifth period went by, then sixth, then seventh and then finally eighth.  When the intercom came on to dismiss us juniors I raced down to the junior high gym only to catch up with Amelia Heart.  Another friend of mine but not one I hang around with everyday.  I hadn't seen her since last year in our Geometry class.  As we waited in line to file into the gym I talked to her.  Inside I could hear the band playing and the cheerleaders.  My heart was racing now.  As I entered the gym I followed Amelia up the steps where our class was sitting.  Seeing Cleo I hurried over to her when I heard a familiar voice call my name.  Looking five seats above me I saw Charles and KC.  I motioned for him to come down and he sat behind me with Tyler Crook, another friend of mine.
         Charles tickled me throughout that whole pep rally.  Or at least he tried to.  It felt good as he massaged my back but when he came up to my sides and underarms I wiggled.  I was aware that his face was against my head.
         "Are you mad at me?" he asked.
         I looked at him dumbfounded.  "No."  Why would I be mad at him?  Why would he think that?
         "You sure?" he asked.
         I nodded eagerly and laughed.  This seemed to reassure him because he continued to stroke my back, my arms and play with my hair by flapping it in my face.  Cleo had to slap him a few times because every time she tried to talk to me I would be in my own little world.  When someone is massaging you it is kind of hard to listen to what's going on around you except for the hands doing wonders to your back.  It felt good and I was enjoying it.  To my disappointment the pep rally was soon over.  Once again I felt like we had been there for ten minutes when it was two hours!  I didn't want to leave him. 
         Charles wrapped his arms around me and leaned closer to my ear saying, "I love you."
         The nagging feeling came back.  It was the way he said it.  He sounded unsure.  I replied, "I love you too."
         Then he said it again but this time with more confidence and I replied back, "I love you too."
         Then the nagging feeling disappeared.  Something was amiss but I ignored it.  When the pep rally was over he latched onto my backpack so as not to lose me in the crowd.  Then a friend of mine, Sam, came up to us as we were walking out.
         "Are you two going out or something?" he asked Charles but yet looking at me.
         I nodded with a smile.  I loved hearing that.  I was his girlfriend and he was my boyfriend.  It was a good feeling.  Cleo was waiting for me outside and all three of us walked together.  Charles hugged me goodbye and departed to his eight period class.  We didn't have long to wait before the bell sounded to go home. I headed to the bus line and got on my bus.  I was all ready making plans for him to come out.  I just had to see him again.  I couldn't stand being apart from him.  The weekend felt like years between us.  I yearned for him. 
         I got home and visited with my Uncle Phil.  Then I walked back up the road to my house, ate dinner, took a bath and I was about to text Charles when I got that nagging feeling again.  Why do I keep feeling that?  I wondered.  It was starting to get on my nerves.  Something wasn't right.  But what?  For the first time I was afraid to text him.  Then as if on cue he texted me.
         He said," Um...Hey." (Rule number 4:  When a guy begins a sentence with ummm that is not a good sign. Thankfully I was smart enough to know this.)
         That nagging feeling returned and it was worse than ever.  My hands began to shake but I willed them to text him back.
         Hey
         He replied," What you doing?"
         Texting you. What are you doing?
         Nothing.
         You sound bored.
         I am and I got something on my mind at the same time.
         Boom!  I don't know what just happened but I felt like a freight train just hit me.  Now I was really shaking because I knew.  I knew what was coming.  That nagging feeling was strong now.  So strong I wanted to puke.  I started to choke tears.
         What's on your mind? I asked trying to stop my hands from shaking as I texted it.
         I don't...It's hard to say without hurting you.
         Now I was crying and I couldn't control myself any longer.  Just then something died inside of me and it was a horrorable feeling.  Out of every break up I had ever had none of them were compared to what I  was feeling now.  I felt something rip inside of me.  I lost something.  I lost my happiness.  He took it from me.  Like a badge on an army officer who just got disqualified.  They rip that badge right off your chest.  My legs buckled out from beneath me and I sat crying. 
         Is it that bad? I asked even though I knew it was. 
         You see.  I feel like I rushed into everything.
         I looked at the text confused.  Rushed?  I gave him a choice.  I didn't make him say yes.
         I texted back.  What do you mean everything?
         The relationship thing.
         You don't like me do you?
         You are like my sister and...I don't want to  sound like an ass.  I don't know what to do anymore.
         I was crying harder now. 
         Will you call me?  Please
         I can't.  I will off of Casey's phone....I don't want to lose you as a friend.  It's hard for me to do this.  It really is.
         He called me and we talked for a short amount of time.  He wasn't making any sense to me.  I didn't understand.  After all those sweet things he said to me.  It just didn't make sense.  How could he do that to me?  Out of all people why me?  I’m confused now and teary eyed.  Why would he say he loved me if he didn't?  He gave every sign he cared for me.  He gave me everything I needed.  Now he's taking it back.  It was time to tell him the truth since this is the end.
         You were the first person I fell in love with to be truthful.  For a very long time I suppressed those feelings until I couldn't take in anymore.  You've drove a spear through me.  The reason I wasn't here on Wednesday was because I was crying after you went back out with your ex.  I was a wreck.  You're like a brother to me too.  Have always been but I cannot control these feelings.  I'm telling you this because this is what my heart says and You deserve to know the truth.  I’m in love with you.  Now you know my deepest secret from the world.  If I lose you I'm gonna lose what I hold dear to.  What I have held onto for a long time.  Here's the truth and my words do not lie.  I don't want to lose you.  I understand about a fast relationship.  I've been in so many its hard to count.  You feel like is this right?  I wished you had given me more time. But there doesn't seem to be enough in this world.  I fell in love with your soul, Charles.  You were the only person there when I needed you.  You were like a shelter, a friend and loyal.  You would never hurt me.  I once held the sunshine in my hands but now my old friend of darkness has swept it away from my hands.  Now I understand.  That happiness is all but a fleeting joy.  Once you have it is gone.  Here’s the truth, Charles.  The truth is painful but it is the truth.  I am your friend.  I will always be your friend.  I have lost.  You don't know how much you mean to me.  If you did you wouldn’t be saying this.  You brought something peaceful back into my life.  A purpose to keep living each day for.  Now I am lost too.  My light has gone out.  Think upon these words.  Ponder them.  For these words come from a place that most mortals cannot truly find.  The last thing I would have wanted to lose on God's green earth was you.  But I all ready knew you were going to do this to me before you did.  Don't ask how but I knew which is why I had the truth waiting.  It was good to love again even for the short amount of time I got.  Do not hate me for these words.  But there is nothing I can do change what has happened.  I never had wanted you Charles.  Most girls think they want a guy but no I didn't want.  I needed you.  Need is far greater than want.  But like a sister I can tell you anything.  But if these words bring you pain forgive me.
         There.  I said it.  I told him the truth.  I'm still crying a river and I'm having an asthma attack.  How could you do this to me, Charles.  I love you.
         Its ok.  That was long as hell not to sound mean.
         It was long but it was the truth.  You should have told me no Charles.  You could have spared me.  I was ready to love but you weren't.  A friends advice.  You have a lot of growing up to do.
         You're not the first person to tell me that.  I am sorry and that's the truth.
         
Diary 5


Love is fleeting and it is cruel to those it likes.  I had a long and sleepless night.  I spent the night at Cleo’s house and took a nerve peel.  Shocking how much can change in just a few days.  You think you have the world but then it turns its back on you.  The wound he caused me is deep.  I feel it every second, minute and hour.  I want it to go away.  It's a bitter reminder of what has been done.  It makes me cry.  I am still in love with him but I am angry.  I didn't deserve this.  I never do.  The damage is done though and it will take a long time before I can love again.  My heart has retreated so deep within itself that I can't feel nothing for anyone.  It is scared and I don't blame it.  He has broken me.  He was the first.  I cry even harder knowing that things will never be the same between us again.  It hurts me.  No more hugs to make me feel better, no more snuggling.  No more sweet words which poisoned my soul.  The poison is still running through my veins.  I lay here in Cleo’s room writing this.  I'm still in shock.  All of this was a mistake.  Because I fell in love with my best friend this is the consequence that I have to pay.  I wish this pain would go away.  I thought I had finally found someone.  Right when I need him most he's not here.  Oh, Charles why did you say yes?  What have you done to me?  I trusted you and you took advantage of me without even knowing it.  You are still in love with your ex.  I realize that now.  It was all a mistake.  You may say you are sorry but sorry doesn't change anything nor does it take the pain away. 
         
         If I could say one thing to you right now I would say:
         Some day you'll cry for me like I cried for you
         Some day you'll miss me like I missed you
         Some day you'll need me like I needed you
         Some day you'll love me but I won't love you

         You've given me something to think about, Charles.  I have the rest of my life to think.  I've cried all that I felt for you out for that is the only way.  I wished none of this had every happened.  I was so happy with you.  You'll never find another one like me.  I am a dying breed.  A rare flower that only blooms once a year.  No one will ever love you like I do.  For the time being you were there when I needed you.  It was a terrible mistake.  I am lost and I don't know what to do.  Now I have to face you at school but it won't be the same.  Nothing is the same as it once was.  I wished you had given me more time.  A relationship is like a seed.  It takes time to blossom.  Give it a chance and it might thrive but if you do not nourish it with love the seed shall die.  I shall learn from this but I am glad I did get to love again.  You were the last person I thought who could hurt me but love is cruel.  I failed to see the trap I was walking in.  I was deceived and betrayed.  The pain is still deep in my chest.  It is too deep.  This time the spear was fatal.  One day Charles you will understand like I do. 

Diary 6

         I was betrayed by my best friend.  I look back and realize what a mistake I had made.  I should have never asked him out.  It was a mistake and I had to pay for it dearly.  We may still be friends but there is something that was lost between us.  Something dear.  Our friendship will never be the same.  I wish this had never happened.  Never in my life had I wanted to care for someone so much.  I wanted to be there for him and care for him.  My heart craved for a companion and it found a bond with him.  I don't know why it did.  My heart found something in him that it was looking for.  I was so happy with him and I never wanted to lose him.  I sit here in solemn silence writing this last entry.  My eyes are burning something fierce and I have a fever.  I've always been the good friend.  I've always been the innocent one.  That's why I am different.  I was looking for love and I found it.  I don't know how long I'll still love him.  I finally thought I had found my peace in life only to have it ripped away from me again.  Sometimes I doubt I'll ever find the right guy.  I'm afraid now.  I'm afraid to love.  It hurts me to think that only yesterday I was full of happiness and now today I'm full of tears. 
         I hope my story has taught a lesson.  It was harsh.  I'm living only for the moment.  The past is too painful to look at and I don't see any hope for me in the future.  I am like a broken toy that has been mistreated too many times beyond repair.  That's all I am.  That's  what I feel.