Getting In

Scene 1

The scene begins in a small room with a door marked "Heaven," a large desk in the middle, and a few chairs scattered along the walls. Behind the desk sits a man who is flipping through a stack of papers. In the chairs sit a ratty looking boy, a well dressed older woman, a man in a business suit, and a young woman in casual attire. They all appear to be waiting for something.

Peter

Next!

The people in the chairs looked blankly around at each other.

Next! Alex Benson!

The young woman stands and approaches the desk.

Hello Alex. I have your file here. It says you're an atheist. It also says you're a typical Democrat. Pro-choice, equal rights and such. Sex before marriage, in copious amounts. Pretty indiscriminately, as far as gender goes. Interesting. You also work at the soup kitchen every weekend. Is that true?

Alex

Yes. It's no big deal. I help out when I can. Also, please don't worry about this. I know I'm not getting in, you don't have to bother with this whole process. I guess I was wrong about this whole God thing.

Peter

Yes, yes. We get that quite a bit, my dear. We've even had a couple people standing here and still insisting that he doesn't exist. Some people never learn! You're also wrong about not getting into Heaven. You've lived your life serving God's children. Of course you're in!

The regal woman stands up, looking quite upset.

Michelle

What do you mean she's in? She's an atheist for Christ's sake!

Peter

Watch your language!

Michelle

But she's pro-choice! This is a disgrace! The Bible says that that is a crime! Not to mention the homosexuality!

Alex

Hey! I'm not gay! Just…open-minded.

Peter

Have you ever eaten shellfish?

Michelle

Of course I have. What does that have to do with anything?

Peter

The Bible also says that's a crime.

Michelle

That's completely different!

Peter

Why? Are you allowed to just pick and choose which parts of the Bible you follow?

Michelle

No! Some parts are just so out-dated! That's not the point though. She's a disgrace. If she's being let in, then God must have a special place reserved for me. I've never missed a Sunday mass in my life.

Peter looks at some papers at his desk.

Peter

Look at that. You haven't. You've also donated quite a bit of money to various charities.

Michelle

This is true. So of course, naturally, I'm in?

Peter

Ye- oh wait. I'm afraid not. It says here that you are a cold hearted bitch.

Everyone in the room gasps.

I'm sorry. That's what it says. God wrote it, not me. Anyway, this says that you've never preformed a single act of charity for someone else. It has always been for you.

Michelle

That's absurd!

Peter

Why do you perform charity work?

Michelle

To get into Heaven, of course.

Peter

And there you have it. That's not doing it out of the goodness of your heart. That's doing it for a reward. Greed. One of the seven deadly sins.

Michelle

So is lust! What the Hell.

Peter

Please mam, language. Alex didn't let her lust hurt anyone. Your greed did.

Michelle

How is donating to charities hurting anyone?

Peter

It isn't. But when you turned your daughter away because she was pregnant out of wedlock and asking for abortion, you did hurt her. In fact, you ended up killing her and the baby because she was living on the streets. Starvation got to her.

Michelle

But she was a sinner. I have devoted my life into getting into Heaven and this Heathen gets in without even trying!

Alex

Excuse me! I am not a heathen. I've lived a fine life. Just because the time I spent on my knees wasn't in prayer doesn't make me a bad person.

Michelle

Look! She openly admits that she's a slut. I deserve this more that her!

Michelle leans over Peter's desk and begins to yell into his face. She grabs him by the collar.

Peter

Please mam, I don't make the decisions, I just explain them. Please don't hurt me.

James, the ratty boy, stands up.

James

Miss Michelle? Don't hurt him. It's alright. I'm not getting in either; we can go to hell together.

Michelle

Shut up, boy. This doesn't concern you.

Peter

James, are you? Why are you so sure you're not getting in?

James

Because I live on the street. I steal. I may not know much, but I know that's a sin.

Peter

Who did you steal from?

James

Anyone I could?

Peter

No you didn't. You stole from those who could afford it. According to my file, you actually went hungry several nights if the only targets you had were as poor as you. You also let the younger boys eat before you did. As far as I can tell, you were much loved.

Alex

Aww. You seem like the type of kid we loved to see at the soup kitchen. Please's and thank you's after a meal instead of just guzzling it down. You probably put smiles on many faces.

Michelle

This is preposterous! He stole! That's against the Commandments! You cannot possibly be implying that he is going to heaven.

Peter

And yet, I am.

Max

You know, if it weren't for people like him, I never would have died. I spent my whole life working for a nice house, and then the likes of him go and rob it.

Peter

Well, maybe if people like you gave him some spare change once and awhile, he wouldn't have needed to steal.

Max

We live in a capitalistic society. I shouldn't have to give up my hard earned cash so that he can buy his crack.

James

Hey! I don't smo-

Alex

How dare you? He's fifteen. It's pigs like you that make me sick.

Michelle

Oh shut up. You already made it. You don't need to keep being all selfless.

Peter

Have you ever thought that maybe it's exactly that attitude that caused you to not get in?

Max

Whatever. Look, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't give some punk kid some spare change. But other than that, I've lived a good life. I worked hard to support my family. Please, just tell me I made it in.

Peter

Not quite. You spent your entire life slaving over your desk. You managed to completely ignore your family. Do you even realize that your sons don't even know your middle name?

Max

Well, I don't know theirs either, so it's fair.

James

That's not something to be proud of, sir. I had a father once, before he died. I would hate it when he worked. I bet your sons are sad.

Max

Why should they be? They have a nice house and nice clothes because of my work.

Peter

And yet, they're miserable. Your wife cries herself to sleep at night.

Michelle

That's not so bad. A man needs to do what he needs to do. You consider that wrong, but sexual deviancy isn't?

They start to bicker among themselves .Peter stands on the desk.

Peter

STOP! Everybody sit down!

Everybody stops fighting and sits down in shock.

Peter

Look. You guys really don't get it, do you? It's not about things like sexual deviancy, unless it's hurting someone. Adultery really is bad, because someone is being hurt. But casual sex? Not a big issue. God can take care of himself. He doesn't need you guys to worship him. He's really not all that arrogant. He also expects that you can figure it out what's best for you. You can pretty much do what you want as long as you don't hurt anyone. Alex might have slept around a bit. Or a lot. It doesn't matter. She was always responsible about it. No one was physically or emotionally hurt. She also devoted her life to helping others. In addition to working at the soup kitchen, she also taught Special ED. How much more selfless can you get? You, on the other hand Michelle, failed at that. Not only did you live your whole life pursuing a reward, when you are called to help, you failed. Your dead daughter and grand-daughter can attest to that. You let them die because you were worried about your place in heaven. Well guess what! You lost it. James, your stealing may seem bad, but you never hurt anyone with it. You even saved the lives of several children, including the boys you gave your winter coat up to, which is what caused you to freeze to death. Unlike Max, who has never given up anything in his whole life, not even to his own wife. You should be ashamed of yourself. Now look. Neither of you have done anything bad enough to land you in Hell. But I also can't let you into Heaven. How about this? I'm going to send you back down to Earth for a year. If you guys can clean up your act, I'll think about letting you in.

Max

Please, let me go! I promise I'll change. I'll spend more time with the boys. And my wife! I want to make sweet love to my wife!

Peter

Okay. Michelle?

Michelle

Fine. I'll go. But that doesn't mean I'm going to listen. I still don't think you're right. Sexual heathens and common thieves still don't deserve my respect. But send me back anyway I'll see you in a year, and I will get in. Mark my words.

Peter

Fine. So be it.

Max and Michelle disappear.

Some people never learn. Oh well. Let's get you guys into heaven.

Peter unlocks the door and all exit into it.