Oh Snap We Don't Have A Coach

******Note: This piece was originally written as a group interpretation or play acting piece however is not limited to such. If you feel as if you yourself can handle such an amazing performance on your own then I encourage you to do so. Good luck with your performance(s) and please be sure to credit Chris Anderson. *******









Oh Snap We Don’t Have A Coach!



N1 (Girl): Hey You (point at audience member, preferably student)! Yeah, that’s right; you with the face. Do you have ANY idea how lucky you are? Look at you, all confident and self righteous. Well you wouldn’t be that way if you were me! You know why? Because I didn’t have anyone to tie my shoes so I didn’t fall flat on my face. I didn’t have anyone to prevent my bike from crashing into a tree. I have no cross guard to prevent me from getting run down by a bus. I have no forensics coach!



(Introduction of piece)



N2: Warning, any resemblance of this performance to events of real life is completely coincidental. This piece is not in fact based of true events… at all… ever… ok maybe in some cases…

N1: Cases like ours! That’s right, we, Cactus-thorns-in-your-butt-ville, do not have a coach. In fact, not only that, but we had no pieces to perform either. Think about it; all the hard work you’d have to go through to pull something like this off. That’s right you couldn’t do it, but we did! It took us three days to write, review, practice, memorize, synchronize, improvise, italicize, exercise, mobilize, and mesmerize this masterpiece of literature… all by ourselves.

N2: So sit back and enjoy

N1: Oh Snap!

N2: We don’t have a Coach!

N1: By none other than…

N2: Chris Anderson



(Back to piece)



N1: It all started with Mrs. N…

N2: Man was she a looker…

N1: AND she was down right superb.

N2: Always made sure you were prepared…

N1: AND helped you out with anything!

N2: School…

N1: AND Love…

N2: Useless peers….

N1: AND Awkward situations…

N2: Anything!

N1: Then *SNAP*

N2: Our “administrators”…

N1: Terminated her contract.

N2: Out of no where!

N1: Uncalled for!

N2: But we lived on, and therefore had to move on.

N1: So then by next year we get the newbie Ms. W.

N2: Lucky for us, she was good friends with Mrs. N.

N1: And she was just as cool

N2: Once during our annual trip to the Wisconsin Theater Festival...

N1: She let us shoot each other with our Nerf guns on our hotel room’s floor!

N2: Not only that…

N1: But she even brought her own Nerf rifle.

N2: Have you ever had a teacher do that with you?

N1: Yeah… didn’t think so.

N2: Then the dreaded day came… or week really.

N1: Ms. W was gone… out of the blue… with no trace as to where she went.

N2: Weeks passed and we had no idea what was going on… or what was passing.

N1: Forensics meet after forensics meet.

N2: And how were we supposed to know? We had no structure, we didn’t have anything. We had no representative!



N1: Later we learned that she’d been on sick leave and wouldn’t be coming back.

N2: Most of use gave up instantly. After all, look at us… it was obvious we’d be doomed.

N1: We couldn’t even get Mrs. N to come back if they’d let us! She’d already been hired as a judge for multiple meets that were left.

N2: Oh *SNAP*

N1: Oh *SNAAAAP*

N2: Yep, 30 forensicators… 0 coaches… you do the math.

N1: Just sit and think…

N2: Where would you be without your coach?

N1: Probably not here and certainly not anywhere further.

N2: So you really are lucky.

N1: You’re still not convinced?! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!

N2: Ok, break it down.

N1: Who got you your piece?

N2: Probably your coach.

N1: Who told you how to pronounce those difficult words like “Luminescent”?

N2: Probably your coach.

N1: Who told you to jump to the left and swing your body over 90 degrees towards the north at the word “Swagger?”

N2: Yep, your coach.

N1: Who told you the most important parts in forensics are the phalanges (wave fingers) and mandible (click jaw)?

N2: You guessed it: your coach. Not your biology teacher… unless your coach is your biology teacher. In which case, he or she taught you that in forensics, and not biology. So technically speaking he or she wasn’t your biology teacher at the time. So therefore it was NOT your biology teacher.

N1: Oh snap, you scared now… that’s right.

N2: You’re just beginning to realize the horrifying reality of - “Oh Snap” - having no coach.



N1: But still…

N2: You’ll never know what it’s like… what it’s really like.



(Flash Back: N1 acts out scene while N2 narrates and vise versa)



N1: Back when we had a coach this year, Ms. W, I was rifling through the boxes and crates of pieces. Nothing was perfect. Nothing was suitable for me so that I could go on to state and finish with a perfect score. Everyone knows you’re not supposed to write your own piece either, judges almost never approve of it. After hours of searching I found one. It was perfect for me, someone who pretended to be insane but wasn’t! I brought it with me that night to pep band so I could memorize it in between the songs. Unfortunately there was no time and I couldn’t even look at it more than two minutes. When the game was over I went home, ate, slept, and went to school. When I got back to school I then realized I LEFT MY PIECE AT THE GAME! When I finally had a chance to go look for it, it was gone! The PERFECT PIECE WAS GONE! I thought to myself: “Why me?! Why me?!”



N2: That’s not even the half of it. When I finally gave up the search for the ONE piece Ms. W was gone. Not only was the perfect piece gone, but so was my provider of any other pieces! It just wasn’t fair!



N1: Those are just two examples of the tormenting event of having no forensics coach. Shall we continue?

N2: I’m convinced that they haven’t learned anything until they’re screaming in agony

N1: That’s what Mrs. N taught us.

N2: And that’s why we’re here today.

N1: There’s no hope for us anymore

N2: But there’s still hope for you.

N1: Or at least that’s what we hope.

N2: Lesson Number Two.

N1: No one cares about your sob story.

N2: Or anyone else’s.

N1: Ever read Shakespeare?

N2: You know… the guy that you could only understand about 1/1000 of the sentences he wrote that you had to read for English?

N1: Yeah he actually had a name.

N2: Yes, Shakespeare wrote nothing about hating himself, getting raped, abused, crying, or how his life was a “dark abyss”.

N1: (whispers) Abyss… Abyss…

N2: He wrote about love and family.

N1: The sappy crap.

N2: Sappy… but happy, at least somewhat happy… so it was bearable to listen to or read.

N1: Unlike that piece of toilet paper you’re reading off of in poetry or prose.

N2: Lesson Number Three.

N1: If you’re not very smart and completely dependent on your friends to make yourself look good…

N2: Then Group Interpretation is the category for you!

N1: Lesson Number Four

N2: Some Judges tell you one thing… others tell you the opposite… so to determine who’s right…

N1: Look at who gave you a better score…

N2: If the score is the same…

N1: Don’t listen to the uglier one.



N2: Lesson Number Five.

N1: Don’t have a piece which has the dialogue of a character or multiple characters who have no idea what they’re doing.

N2: Some people think you’re just too “good” at acting.

N1: Lesson Number Six.

N2: If you feel that you’ve been insulted by someone…

N1: They’re probably right.



N2: We have now passed on the knowledge of the wisest to you.

N1: Feel honored young ones. Feel HONORED!

N2: We leave you here, this day, to go about and practice these lessons in your everyday lives.

N1: But most importantly…

N2: When you leave this room, no matter where they might be…

N1: Find your forensics coach…

N2: Thank them from the bottom of your heart…

N1: and explain how you’ve learned that without them you are a useless and untalented student with no entertainment value to the brain of a fully mentally developed human being.

N2: We ourselves would like to dedicate this performance to our former coaches Ms. Weidner,

N1: and Mrs. Nordeng.

N2: Without us forensics would be dead.

N1: And without you forensics wouldn’t have us.