Oh Snap We Don't Have A Coach (Solo)

Oh Snap We Don’t Have A Coach!



Hey You (point at audience member, preferably student)! Yeah, that’s right; you with the face. Do you have ANY idea how lucky you are? Look at you, all confident and self righteous. Well you wouldn’t be that way if you were me! You know why? Because I didn’t have anyone to tie my shoes so I didn’t fall flat on my face. I didn’t have anyone to prevent my bike from crashing into a tree. I have no cross guard to prevent me from getting run down by a bus. I have no forensics coach!



(Introduction of piece)
(monotone/deep voice) Warning, any resemblance of this performance to events of real life is completely coincidental. This piece is not in fact based of true events… at all… ever… OK maybe in some cases…

Cases like ours! That’s right, I do not have a coach. In fact, not only that, but I have no pieces to perform either. Think about it; all the hard work you’d have to go through to pull something like this off. That’s right you couldn’t do it, but I did! It took me three days to find, review, practice, memorize, synchronize, improvise, italicize, exercise, mobilize, and mesmerize this masterpiece of literature… all by ourselves.
So sit back and enjoy
(pause)
(With Attitude) Oh Snap! We don’t have a Coach! By none other than… Chris Anderson
(End of Introduction)



It all started with Mrs. N… Man was she a looker. and she was down right superb. She always made sure you were prepared… and helped you out with anything! School… and useless peers! Love… and Awkward situations… Anything!
Then *SNAP*!! Our “administrators" terminated her contract right out of no where! Completely uncalled for! But we lived on, and therefore... had to move on.
So then by next year we get the newbie Ms. W. Lucky for us, she was good friends with Mrs. N, and she was just as cool.
Once during our annual trip to the Wisconsin Theater Festival... She let us shoot each other with our Nerf guns on our hotel room’s floor! Not only that… But she even brought her own Nerf rifle. Have you ever had a teacher do that with you? Yeah… didn’t think so.
Then the dreaded day came… or week really. Ms. W was gone… out of the blue… with no trace as to where she went. Weeks passed and we had no idea what was going on… or what was passing: Forensics meet after forensics meet. And how were we supposed to know? We had no structure, we didn’t have anything. We had no representative!
Later we learned that she’d been on sick leave and wouldn’t be coming back.
Most of use gave up instantly. After all, look at us… it was obvious we’d be doomed. We couldn’t even get Mrs. N to come back if they’d let us! She’d already been hired as a judge for multiple meets that were left. Oh *SNAP*
Yep, 30 forensicators… 0 coaches… you do the math. Just sit and think…
Where would you be without your coach?
Probably not here and certainly not anywhere further. So you really are lucky.
You’re still not convinced?! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!
OK, break it down: Who got you your piece? Your coach. Who told you how to pronounce those difficult words like “Luminescent”? Your coach. Who told you to jump to the left and swing your body over 90 degrees towards the north at the word “Swagger?” Yep, your coach. Who told you the most important parts in forensics are the phalanges (wave fingers) and mandible (click jaw)?
You guessed it: your coach. Not your biology teacher… unless your coach is your biology teacher. In which case, he or she taught you that in forensics, and not biology. So technically speaking he or she wasn’t your biology teacher at the time. So therefore it was NOT your biology teacher.
Oh snap, you're scared now - that’s right. You’re just beginning to realize the horrifying reality of having no coach. But still… you’ll never know what it’s like… what it’s really like...

Back when we had a coach this year, Ms. W, I was rifling through the boxes and crates of pieces. Nothing was perfect. Nothing was suitable for me so that I could go on to state and finish with a perfect score. Everyone knows you’re not supposed to write your own piece either, judges almost never approve of it. After hours of searching I found one. It was perfect for me, someone who pretended to be perfect... and he was perfect... and everyone knew it but wouldn't admit it... but they knew... it was perfect for me! So then I brought it with me that night to pep band so I could memorize it in between the songs. Unfortunately there was no time and I couldn’t even look at it more than two minutes. When the game was over I went home, ate, slept, and the next morning went back to school. When I got back to school I had to show all of my friends the piece I had found. So I searched through my back pack... and I searched through it again... and again... and again... and then it dawned on me... I LEFT MY PIECE AT THE GAME! I ran, no I sprinted, no I TELEPORTED back to the gym. I looked over, around near, afar, under, in, and outside of the bleachers. Nothing. I found the custodian and asked him, "Did you find it, did you see it, did you get a glimpse of it, did you take it, did you steal it?"... and he had no idea what I was talking about. The perfect piece was gone... I just thought to myself "why me.... why me?"
That's just one prim example out of so many others of the tormenting reality of having no forensics coach.
(chuckles) You know, Mrs. N once told us that she was convinced that you haven’t learned anything until you’re screaming in agony
And that’s why I'm here today... there’s no hope for me anymore. But there’s still hope for you. Or at least... that’s what I hope.
Lesson Number Two: If you’re not very smart and completely dependent on your friends to make yourself look good… then Group Interpretation is the category for you!
Lesson Number Three: Don’t have a piece which has the dialogue of a character or multiple characters who have no idea what they’re doing. Some people think you’re just too “good” at acting.
Lesson Number Four: Some Judges tell you one thing… others tell you the opposite… so to determine who’s right... look at who gave you a better score… if the score is the same… don’t listen to the uglier one.
That's just four out so many lessons my coaches have taught me, and now, they are passed to you. Feel honored young ones. Feel honored! I leave you here, this day, to go about and practice these lessons in your everyday lives.
But most importantly… When you leave this room (right over there), no matter where they might be… find your forensics coach. Even if they're judging another performance, interrupt that performance. Approach them, bow to them, thank them from the bottom of your heart… and explain how you’ve learned that without them you are a useless and untalented student with no entertainment value to the brain of a fully mentally developed human being.

I myself would like to dedicate this performance to our former coaches Ms. W and Mrs. N.
Without us forensics would be dead... but without you forensics wouldn’t have us.

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Note: Hello and thank you for selecting/reading this performance. Just a quick note, this is the solo version of this piece. If you would like to see the duet performance look up "Chris Anderson" on the website "http://www.writing.com" or type in "http://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/1648324-Oh-Snap-We-Dont-Have-A-Coach". Good luck with your performance(s) and please be sure to credit Chris Anderson. This is not part of the piece.
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