What's That Growing On the Food?

Cast:

•          Jake- The Cook

•          Ruth- A Nurse

•          Diane- A Nurse

•          Alexander- A resident

•          Mark- A Resident

•          Bridget- A resident, ornery and mean

•          Jane-A Resident

•          George-A Resident, friend of General Clayton

•          Chloe- A Resident

•          General Clayton- General in US Army

•          Private Fitzsimons-His Aide

•          Lieutenant  Montgomery-His Pilot

Stage Outline (NOT TO SCALE)





JAKE

(JAKE the kitchen from STAGE LEFT whistling and opens the refrigerator.  He pulls out a container and abruptly stops his tune.  His eyes grow wide, and then a look of disgust comes over his face.  He throws the dish on the counter and looks back in the fridge.)

Oh no!  Diane, Ruth, I think you’d better come in here, quick!

(They hurry into the kitchen from STAGE LEFT)

DIANE

What’s the problem, Jake?

JAKE

The food, that’s what the problem is!  Look at the food!

(They both do and have similar reactions.)

RUTH

Has all the food gone bad?

JAKE

Yes.  The refrigerator must be broken!

(He checks behind the wall.)

The plug has fallen out!  How could that have happened?

DIANE

But what are we going to do about getting more food!  It’s almost dinner time!

RUTH

We can get pizza delivered!

JAKE

But it’s Friday night!  It will take a while to get here! You know how ornery the residents can get.  How will you keep them from mutinying like they did last time?

DIANE

We’ll distract them with idle conversation.  Have the delivery guy sneak in the back way. 

JAKE

(Picks up the telephone and dials)

Yes, hello.  Delivery.  Okay it’s kind of a big one, but um…10, no 15 large pizzas.

RUTH

What are we feeding, elephants?

JAKE

I don’t want to come up short.  Hi.  Yes, 15 large pizzas, and 10 orders of garlic bread.  Yes, please deliver it to The --------- Home.  Thank you. 

DIANE

Go wait out back, Jake.  We’ll distract the inmates…residents. 



(The RESIDENTS begin filing in and sit around the table.  JAKE sits by the back door.)

ALEXANDER

I tell you Marc, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.

MARC

Yes, I am excited about tonight’s meal.  I’ve been looking forward to it all week!

(DIANE and RUTH become visibly frightened.)

BRIDGET

Don’t get your hopes up.  It will probably taste like garbage!

RUTH

Bridget, don’t say that.  You know Jake always serves a good meal. 

BRIDGET

Oh, hush up and bring me my food already.  Do you want me to pass out?

RUTH

Well, the food isn’t quite ready yet, so how about we pass the time by having Jane tell one of her stories?

JANE

OK.  How about the time I went to dinner with my son?

ALEXANDER

Don’t talk out food!



GEORGE

Be quiet, Alexander, I want to hear this story. 

JANE

  Well, it all started when we went to that cheap burger joint.  I asked him why we couldn’t eat at a real restaurant, and he said ‘I spend enough money on you already.’ 

(The others shake their head in contempt and disgust.)

JANE

So when we were leaving I tripped him up and sent him crashing into a young lady; she started smacking him with her purse.  We were chased out. 

CHLOE

Good for you, Jane.  Teach him a lesson. 

(The other residents nod in agreement, adding their encouragements.  The telephone in the kitchen rings, JAKE picks it up.)

JAKE

OH NO!!!

MARC

Was that Jake, what is he doing in there?  I want to eat!

BRIDGET

Isn’t the food ready yet? 



DIANE

Um, let me go check!

(DIANE and RUTH walk hurriedly into the kitchen)

RUTH

Well, is the food here yet?

JAKE

No, and it’s not coming!

RUTH                               DIANE

What!!!

JAKE

There’s been a car accident!  The whole road is blocked up!  The delivery guy can’t get here!

RUTH

We’ll stall them for a little longer, maybe the traffic will clear up.

(RUTH and DIANE walk back to the dining room.)

ALEXANDER

Is there a problem in there?

DIANE

No, no.  He just…burnt himself.  That’s all.  He’s fine. 

BRIDGET

So, the food’s not ready yet?

DIANE

I’m afraid not!

MARC

(Growling)

You should be afraid of me without a meal!

CHLOE

Yes, what is taking so long?  I’m wasting away to nothing!

GOERGE

Is there something you’re not telling us?

RUTH

Oh no. Don’t be silly.  Jake is just preparing a truly special meal.  Unfortunately, it is taking longer than expected.  Why doesn’t someone tell another story.  Alexander, don’t you have a good story about when you went to Boston?

GEORGE

Fine, I’ll tell my story, but I’ve got my eye on you.  Well, anyway, I was heading to Boston on the train…well…I guess two months ago now, and my daughter was with me; we were going to the aquarium. 

CHLOE

Isn’t that nice?

(The other residents nod, except for BRIDGET, who scowls miserably.)





GEORGE

Yes, well, anyway, we get to the aquarium, we buy our tickets, (I save $15 with my Senior Discount, Ha ha!)  and we go to see the Octopus Exhibit.  We all know how much I love octopuses.

(Other RESIDENTS nod.)

And come to find out, the Octopus exhibit is gone.  Kaput!  No more.  I go over to berate some hooligan pushing a broom.  Oh, I gave it to him good.  He kept saying: ‘But it’s not my fault!’  I even smacked him a couple good ones!  These bums, taking away my octopus exhibit, bah!  Then my daughter drags me away, and apologizes!  Can you believe it?  They take away my exhibit, and they want an apology!

MARC

Despicable!

BRIDGET

I don’t know how they get away with such malarkey, I really don’t!

(RUTH and DIANE began pacing nervously and looking at their watches)

Something wrong, dearies?

DIANE

No, but thank you Bridget!  We’re going to check on the food!

(DIANE and RUTH go into the kitchen.  JAKE shakes his head.)

ALEXNDER

They’re up to something.  I’m gonna find out what!

(He sneaks behind the TWO NURSES and listens.)



JAKE

No dice.  The accident has tied everything up.  The driver is still stuck in traffic.

RUTH

But we can’t destract them much longer!  We’re running out of time and we still don’t have any food!

ALEXANDER

AHA!  Gotcha!  Hey everybody!  They don’t have any food for us!  They’re trying to pull fast one!

(RUTH, DIANE, and JAKE jump and look at ALEXANDER)

BRIDGET

I knew those three were crooked!

JANE

To think we trust our lives and health with such miscreants!

GEORGE

What seems to be the problem?

DIANE

We’re sorry everyone, but…the refrigerator plug fell out of the wall, and all the food went bad!



RUTH

We ordered pizzas, but the delivery guy was caught in a traffic accident.  He’s still stuck there!



GEORGE

Stuck in traffic?  I’ve got the solution.  Where is the accident?

(He walks over to the telephone.)

DIANE

On Brown Street, about five miles away.

GEORGE

(Yanks the telephone off the hook.)

Gimme that! 

(He dials)

Yeah Crandall?  It’s George McCracken.  Yeah we’ve got some trouble down at the rest-home.  No food in house and delivery guy in an accident on Brown Street, think you can help?  You can? Great.  See you in a couple minutes!

(Hangs up telephone.)

JAKE

What did you do?

GEORGE

My friend Crandall Clayton is a General down at the army base.  He runs the helicopters.  The pizzas will be air lifted in.  Should be here in a couple of minutes.

(GEORGE walks back to his seat at the table.)

CHLOE

He can just use government property like that?

ALEXANDER

He’s a general.  He can do what he damn well pleases.

GEORGE

Exactly.

DIANE

What are we going to do until the food get’s here.  Does anyone have any more stories?

BRIDGET

Instead of swapping foolish, useless anecdotes, I would prefer it if we all just sat in uncomfortable silence for once. 

MARC

Bridget, you be quite.  You’re always complaining about one thing or another.  Hows about you don’t talk anymore?

(BRIDGET sticks her tongue out at MARK, who returns same.)

CHLOE

Really Bridget, you’re just a meanie!

(BRIDGET silently mocks her.  A helicopter is heard.)



RUTH

The food is here!

MARC

Good, I am famished!



JANE

Some pizza would be nice!

(GENERAL CLAYTON, PRIVATE FITZSIMMONS, and LIEUTENANT MONTGOMERY enter STAGE LEFT.  PRIVATE and LIEUTENANT are carrying pizza boxes.  They place these down on the dining table.)

GENERAL CLAYTON

George, ol’ buddy, here’s the cavalry!  You’d better believe we get a slice o’ that, apiece. 

RUTH

You can have whatever you want!  Thank you so much for saving us!

LIEUTENANT MONTGOMERY

It’s what we do, ma’am. 

PRIVATE FITZSIMMONS

No need to thank us.

GENERAL CLAYTON

Nonsense.

GENERAL CLAYTON (cont.)

(Takes RUTH’S hand and kisses it.)

Thank me all you want. 

BRIDGET

(Snickering)

I should unplug the refrigerator more often!

End of Play