Waiting

Dear Joel,

I went up to the top of our hill last night, holding the map you gave me. I found the spot where we lied for a night (do you remember that night? I'll never forget it) and set the map down. I remember getting screaming at you for giving me the map, shouting over and over that I didn't want state lines and railway routes to remind me anymore of how far we'd be apart, that I didn't want to be reminded of the thousands of possibilities separating us, and that I didn't want you to leave me. I remember hitting you in desparation, sobbing into your shirt and clinging onto it so you wouldn't go, and I remember you hugging me tightly, saying, "Trace the distance that's between us and remember that we're only squares and finger-lengths away from being together again."

I unrolled the map and immediately found an "A" marked at where I am and a "B" at where you are. After touching the familiar writing for a moment, I connected us by a straight line. My fingers shook as I set my finger at "A" and slowly traced it to "B", where you'd be, and waited silently for a moment, without moving. I felt a sharp tug at my heart and a rush of energy thrusting myself forward. My lip trembled and my body shook violently, trying desperately but failing, to thrust myself into "B", where I'd find your face.

I need you. I miss you, Joel. Every night I'd feel lonely, and remember that you'd call me in an hour or so and I wouldn't be alone. Then I'd immediately catch myself, and I'd remember. Urging to be near you, I would run up the top of our hill and lie where I lied that night and stare at where your skin once touched, tracing the grass of the cold ground. Pretending that you are always beside me, I pour everything out like I would. Closing my eyelids and giving myself to the sky above me, I pray that something brings me away to your warm embrace.

You know I support you and understand that you have to be silent these six months, but I need you beside me once again. The days we had before you left repeat in my mind, and for now only dreaming can pick up from where we left off. The feeling I felt when we were together is a feeling I never want to lose ever again. Knowing that we'll be together everyday when you get back makes me more determined than ever to be strong. I will be strong everyday in remembrance that the days we'll spend after these six months would be more amazing than anything I've ever felt.

The distance and time between us will never affect our relationship in any way, except being an experience we go through to show how strong we can be. I never doubt whether we could survive the six months, and from how assuredly and calm you talk about it, I believe you don't either. It's true, after these six months, we'll be together, stronger than ever. We would tell each other about everything we missed like we just talked to each other the night before. You would tell me that I look prettier than the last time you saw me, and I would tell you that your smile lifts me up more than ever before. We would walk around the neighbourhood and show those people who thought we wouldn't survive how we're happier than ever. You would be beside me once more and everything would be all right.

I'll wait for you, Joel. I'll be there right when you return, smiling and happy.

I love you always,
Reanna