Within myself

2010 and it has started out terrible. I don't have a job, we are behind in our rent by 1000's , and we barely have food in our refridgerator. I feel overwhelmed. I sometimes think that God is angry with me for some reason. I feel like dying when my son tells me he is hungry and I can't provide. Sometimes I wonder? What is my purpose? or why am I alive? I don't seem to have the answer. I have enrolled in a medical billing and coding course, it will take me 24 months to complete. By then I should earn my associates degree. My dream is to have my own book published and read by millions and millions of people.
This life is not fair. Or is it the choices I have made? I can't stop thinking. Yet, the more I think the less results I get. 24 months, that is how long I have to wait to get my associates......I need a job NOW! I was thinking, I don't think I will be able to marry Patrick. Patrick is my son's father, and the man I have been with for eighteen years. We are engaged to be married within a few months, once the paper work is complete. Now, we are to be married, but for all the wrong reasons. I have no insurance, but if I marry Patrick I will have insurance. He never asked me to marry him until now, and it is because of the insurance not for love. If we are to get married, it will be through the justice of peace, no big wedding as I have always dreamed. What do I do? I feel alone, and neglected. It is not fair! Why me? I mean I am grateful for what I do have: Family, my son and my health. But yet I do not have what I need.