S1/N5 The four "Ss"

WC 498 (500)

Elven Love Affair

The original version


On a mossy bank, Albiana reclines with her flute. She is an Elfin maid in the fourteenth day of her moon. It’s a happy time and the young girl is at peace with the world. She has escaped into a dream world of eternal happiness. Giving lips to her instrument she plays an ancient melody to summon her lover.

From afar Varnack hears the call and begins to follow the enchanting music. He is in the season of his rut and before long the lilting notes give way to the scent of his beloved. He begins running and at length arrives on the bank, throwing himself at her feet.

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They pause and kiss. Her lips open and she feels the eagerness of his mouth. They embrace and she feels his manliness while he enjoys the crush of her womanhood.

His fingers remove her blouse of woodland green and untie her halter. Her breasts fall free. He reaches lower fumbling with her leggings, pulling the leather down about her waist until she’s unfettered. She reaches up and unbuttons his tunic, unbuckles his belt and pulls his britches over his ankles.

They clutch in eager embrace. As they part for breath, they discover, the chagrin of nakedness.

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For elves the immodest display of flesh creates images and sensations they find disconcerting. However nature, in her infinite wisdom, has provided a remedy. The secretions of each other’s body are the antidote to shame. These have a numbing effect on the sensitivities and calm the outrage of awareness. Her breasts secrete witch milk, an intoxicant that dulls the edges and heightens the pleasure.

He reclines her back, kissing her breasts. When he is medicated, her need still remains unsatisfied. He bids her sip the passion bane that oozes from his cock. It’s a bitter draught but one that vanishes obscenity, and gives hope to the moment.

She drinks and the pungent spit burns her throat, before a warmth begins spreading that brings a euphoric serenity. As the foreplay becomes more aggressive, the bocy fluids ignite their appetites. The heat of longing smolders. Then from inside straining loins, desire ignites and spreads over them. The sight of his phallus brings to her clutch a fierce and compelling hunger. His erection trumpets the arrival of an urgent and unrequited need.

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The beast within rears its head...her face contorts with lust, and her man trap yawns obscenely. She reaches with greedy fingers, grabbing the staff of his sex and plunges it into the soft folds of her cunt. She claws at his flesh, her sexual appetite wet with anticipation. Shame bows in fear to the wantonness beckoning from her belly.

She screams, "Fuck me! Fuck me!" hunching up and down, twisting from side to side. He pins her hips to the ground riding without remourse, holding on for life, thrusting in and out. Obscenities pour from her lips and tears from her eyes, while her whole body trembles and shakes.

"Give it to me! giver it to me!" she crys out pleading, writhing in the ageless dance of slapping flesh, sweating bodies and the timeless groans of creation.

WC 498

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Critique:


Erotic Elements: Word choices were fine, but there was no connection with the scene or the characters, which made it hard to get into.

Suggestions:

Yours: As the foreplay becomes more aggressive, the secretions ignite their appetites. The heat of passion smolders. Then from inside straining loins, desire ignites and spreads over them. The sight of his phallus brings to her clutch a fierce and compelling hunger. His erection trumpets the arrival of an urgent and unrequited need.

Amped Up: She claws at his chest, his legs, the secretions igniting her sexual appetite as the need for more overtakes all rational thoughts, turning her wanton. As her eyes lock onto his straining phallus, they widen as lustful desire spreads over her, the hunger burning deep in her belly to have him plunging deep inside her.

Other Issues: You tend to do a lot of telling. I know that there is need for it, but when it pops in in the middle of the action/scene, it rips the reader right out and makes it tough to get back into it. Example is above. It was hard to tell which POV character's head I was in. Need to work on that.

Overall: Not bad, you were clear with the assignment and moved the story along nicely from one aspect of a paragraph to the next. Even gave me the ewww factor at the end.

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The revised version:

Elven Love Affair

On a mossy bank, Albiana reclines with her flute. She is an Elfin maid in the fourteenth day of her moon. It’s a happy time and the young girl is at peace with the world. She has escaped into a dream world of eternal happiness. Giving lips to her instrument she plays an ancient melody to summon her lover.

From afar Varnack hears the call and begins to follow the enchanting music. He is in the season of rut and before long the lilting notes give way to the scent of his beloved. He begins running and at length arrives on the bank, throwing himself at her feet.

They pause and kiss. Her lips open and she feels his tongue explore her palate as his hands grope insistantly. Modesty shuts her eyes as awareness yields to imagination.

Is it real or do I imagine his fingers removing my blouse and untying my halter? My breasts no longer feel encumbered and seem pleasantly unfettered, raising and falling without constraint. Hmmmm, are those his hands that fumble with my leggings….are those his fingers that pull my undergarments down about my hips and over my feet? I suppose they could be…however,…, are those my fingers that boldly unbuckle his pants. Surely not… yet they have the look of my fingers…and watch how they clutch his britches and pull them rudely down about his ankles .. And what is that sinew that rears like a snake swaying back and forth before my very eyes. EEEEK! I can bear the suspense no longer. I must take a peek. "Gracious Sakes," she exclaims, "My worst fears are realized."

They clutch in the disbelief of what's happening. Then they kiss with eyes shut tight pretending it never occurred. As they part for breath, reality shakes the cobwebs from truth and their eyes open to the chagrin of nakedness....

For elves the immodest display of flesh creates images and sensations they find disconcerting. However nature, in her infinite wisdom, has provided a remedy. The secretions of each other’s body are the antidote to shame. These have a numbing effect on the sensitivities and dampen the shock of awareness. Her breasts secrete witch’s milk, an intoxicant that dulls the edges of scruple and heightens the enjoyment of pleasure.

He reclines her back, sucking her breasts. When he is medicated, her need still remains unsatisfied. He bids her partake of The Virgin’s Hope, an elixir that oozes from his excited penis. It’s a bitter draught but one that vanishes obscenity, and gives life to the moment.

She partakes, gagging on the pungent smell that assails her nostrils. She sucks anyway, disregarding the sticky texture and viscous taste. Then a warm glow of relief begins spreading that offers a euphoric serenity. As the foreplay becomes more aggressive, these aphrodisiacs give outrage to their appetites. The heat of longing gives flame to embers of frustration. Inside straining loins the conflagration ignites and the demons of primordial darkness take control of their senses. The sight of his phallus brings to her clutch a fierce and compelling need. His erection salivates, dripping with anticipation..

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The beast within rears its head...her face contorts with lust... her man trap yawns obscenely. She reaches with greedy fingers, for his groping sex and plunges it into the soft folds of her flesh. She claws at his skin, her prurience wet with eagerness. Shame bows in fear as lewd wantonness cries out from her gaping crotch.

She screams, "Fuck me! Fuck me!" hunching and twisting from side to side. He pins her hips to the ground, riding without remorse, holding on for life, as he pummels her need. Obscenities pour from her lips and tears from her eyes, while her whole body trembles and shakes.

"Give it to me! give it to me!" she pleads in pitious mien, begging for sucrease.

"Then give me your innocence," he demands, withdrawing to the point of exit and pausing...."Your innocence, that's what I want..." he repeats, with a cruel and determined insistance.

"Please! please! don't torture me, she exhorts, "Set me free! set me free". She throws her head back, straining on the the chains of eternal bondage...,pleading with him to restore his girth to her empty loins.

"Don't make me do this." he demands, "Give it up! Give it up!"

"Then take it and be damned!" she retorts, arching her back and spreading wide.

In the heartbeat of an instant, there comes a silent and forbidding presence. In the dungeon of her soul the door hangs unhinged and a dark spirt walks towards them with a measured and deliberate stride. The tap of her heels echo off the stones, as they click down the corridor. She approaches and swirls about them.

"At last my love," he says in adoration. "I've been awaiting your presence."

"Then do your duty," she answers,

He relents and begins stroking her lathered pussy with a gentle and satisfying rythm. A warm glow spreads throughout her body.. then she begins to jerk in spasms of estatic delight.

"Oh god! oh god!" she cries out, gripped by an orgasm, that explodes into in her cunt. Suspended in time she squirms, impaled on the barb of his unrelenting dick. He lifts up on her thighs, struggling to hold her thrashing buttocks. Squeezing her spincter she milks the last drop of pleasure and collapses in exhaustion.

"Dont' go to sleep on me." he exhorts, cropping her like a racehourse. She struggles to comply, responding to his prod in the timeless dance of slapping flesh, sweating bodies and the haunting groans of creation.

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Definitions:

Erotica: The use of sexual energy to enhance a literary work.

Phornographic: The use of graphic imagery or obscene language that appeals to the physical and prurient aspects of procreation. It is characterized by crude, vulgar language and imagery that excites the base physiological triggers of a compelling sexual drive. Operative Words: Graphic imagery, obscene, vulgar language, prurient, and base.

Emotive: A real time, sensory appeal to the emotions, to take a physical need to a higher level of enjoyment. It is characterized by the senses, acting on emotions in a manner that dulls the rawness of physical sex and enhances the euphoric pleasure that surrounds it. It provides a balance between the carnal and emotional aspects of the sexual experience. Operative words: Real world/time, sensory appeal to emotions, dulls rawness, enhances pleasure, emotional stimulus to carnal experience.

Imaginative: A fanciful, often romantic, portrayal of a sexual experience, requiring a suspension of disbelief. Like the emotive it takes complelling physical needs to a higher level of enjoyment. Unlike emotive, it is not constrained by reality. Rather than a conscious awareness, it uses imagination as a substitute, indirectly stimulating the senses to raise enjoyment above physical levels of expectation. Operative Words: Fanciful, Romantic, suspension of disbelief, imagination instead of conscious, stimulates emotions indirectly to stimulate pleasure beyond physical levels.

Sublime: Takes the sexual experience to a threshold beyond sensation, into a world of dreams. It is characterized by an amorphous, poetic quality that gives it a disconnected sense of beauty and awe found at the outer limits of consciousness. Operative words: Goes beyond sensation, dream world, amorphous, poetic disconnected sense of beauty and awe, outer limits of consciousness.