"Bigfoot Gets Financial Advice"

Bigfoot Gets Financial Advice



It was tax season and Harvey Shin wanted a promotion. Those two simple facts kept him at the office late several nights a week. Double checking, then triple checking the returns he would file had become habit of late.

         A blizzard was moving in, the third one this winter for the good people of Great Falls, Montana. Harvey’s colleagues, Shirley and Bob, had prudently left at five o’ clock on the dot. With work to be done and only a short walk home he had ushered them out the door, assuring them he would soon follow. The sunlight drifted soon after they had departed. Now, at eight in the evening, he had only distant wintery sound of wind to keep him company. He could have turned on the television, but thought the distraction might slow his work progression.

         By now he was thinking the most prudent course of action was to return to his modest cottage home for a meal consisting of a baked potato and canned beans. He believed in eating frugally—the same way he believed in “living small” as he put it. This logic was strict, but it kept him focused.

         He hoped one day these hours of overtime might catch Mr. Stapleton’s attention. He was the owner of Flagship Accounting. Dedication was at the core of Mr. Stapleton’s belief structure. If he showed enough of that, then when the inevitable expansion of Flagship came, he would be right there to guide the company to greatness. Mr. Stapleton had assured his loyal employees of this saying “Flagship Accounting will set the standard for accounting firms all over the Northwest Region of this Great Country of ours.” Harvey replayed these words over and over in his head. Words like that guided him through lonely nights of number crunching. Satisfied he had put forth the inspired effort necessary. He decided to call it an evening.

         He went to the closet and retrieved his overcoat and ski cap. Shirley told him he looked like a Russian soldier with his long brown coat and cap. Something Harvey took as a bit of a complement. A soldier radiated confidence and prestige. Harvey did like to think of himself as a mathematical soldier of sorts, smiling every time he put on his coat. He had one arm in the sleeve when he heard the bump. It was a subtle noise and Harvey half thought it might be coming from outside. He listened intently for any other disturbances.

         Satisfied his imagination must be playing games with his mind, he finished pulling his coat on. There was another bump. This was louder and it was definitely coming from inside the office, from Shirley’s office to be exact.

         Obviously, an animal had gotten through the ventilation system and into the main office. It happens quite often in this part of the world where animals could easily outnumber humans. The critters probably felt it was their right to invade any kind of structure within sight. Harvey couldn’t blame the wildlife for their ignorance. Surely they thought of this building as just another landscape item to be investigated and pilfered for food and shelter.

         Pest control wasn’t in Harvey’s skill set. That aside, he still had an obligation to give it the old college try no matter what. He wasn’t about to let go of precious company dollars for a professional to come in and perform the task. It just wasn’t good economics to spend extra money on things that could easily be handled by employees.

         He removed his coat and hung it neatly back on the hanger. He then took out a broom for protection, hoping it to be intimidating enough to terrify whatever awaited him in Shirley’s office. “By God if Flagship is ever going to expand, these are the type of team plays that have to be made,” he said to himself forcefully. He clutched the broom with all his might and headed towards his encounter. “You’ve invaded this property illegally little critter. Leave or I shall be forced into action,” he yelled out. Never mind that the invader had no way of knowing about human trespassing laws.

         After a deep breath, he stepped into Shirley’s office. He knew it was an invasion of privacy and all that. The proper thing might have been to call her and ask first. Heroes make quick decisions on their feet. They are also assertive people that do what needs to be done, even when there is no audience to cheer for them.

         A very loud bump came from the closet which caused Harvey to question the sanity of his decision.

         After another moments thought he re-gathered his courage. He never thought a silver door handle could look so menacing. Yet here he was trying to stir up one more ounce of courage to turn it.

         He gripped it tight and pulled at about the same instant he heard some monstrous breathing coming from the closet. That doesn’t sound like a little critter, he thought just before the door swung open.

         The creature and Harvey seemed contented to stare at one another. Harvey was too scared to think of anything other than he should have called pest control.

         “Sorry friend. This never really goes that well. I can assure you I’m vegetarian if that eases your mind at all.” The creature’s voice was thunderous, as if his voice box was attached to a theatre sound system.

         On the verge of passing out, Harvey managed some polite words. “No…It’s Ok,” he squeaked out. “I have coffee in the other room. Beyond that my hospitality is limited” Harvey felt himself squirm. He knew in the wild this was automatically taken as a sign of weakness. This was not a moment Harvey wanted to show any vulnerability.

         “Just gather yourself my friend. I’m not going to do anything hasty.” The creature stepped out of the closet. His head nearly touched the ceiling. His shoulders were as wide as the office bookshelf.

         “I thought I was supposed to see footprints in the snow. That’s what they say on television anyhow.” Harvey picked one foot up in the air, and then dropped it. He was trying to simulate how footprints were made as if the creature didn’t know.

         “I can assure you; I left quite a few doozies out there.” The creature lifted his foot off the ground. It was an impressive appendage. Harvey thought it must be four times the length of his foot, and three times as wide.

         Harvey gathered himself. He didn’t feel comfortable, but the adrenaline started to drain from his bloodstream at least. “So, my friend what’s your business in our humble accounting firm?” Harvey always got right down to the point. He wasn’t a man to waste time, never mind that such a great discovery had been lurking in his colleague’s storage closet.

         “I have two separate reasons for my visit: one trivial reason of my own and the other that more relates to this firm specifically.” The creature spoke with such eloquence that Harvey thought he could narrate television specials.

         “Should we have a seat at my desk?” Wally, in truth, was intimidated by the creature’s size and thought if they were both seated it might seem like a more normal human on human encounter that he was used to. 

         “That would be a more appropriate place to talk,” the creature gestured for Wally to go first. Wally was naturally weary of the idea, fully aware his neck could be snapped easier if he didn’t know it was coming. He had just enough trust to lead the way.

         At Harvey’s desk the creature offered his hand. “I’m Leonard,” he said.

         Harvey took the beast’s hand with hesitation, again not fully trusting. “I’m Harvey,” he pronounced the same proud way he had when he first met Mr. Stapleton in this very room four years earlier. He wanted to tell Leonard that he expected a much more exotic name, although he had no reasoning behind that.

         “I feel better now that everything is official,” Leonard said. He leaned back in the chair.

         Harvey looked outside just to make sure no one was looking. “Agreed. I guess it must be rough for you fellows to get around and run errands.”

         “Oh, you have no idea. As I said I’m here in business on Harvey. I would also like to say how I respect you for hearing me out. I broke into your office and hid in your closet, not the best way to start a professional relationship.”

         Harvey waved in the air as if to say it was nothing. He understood how strange the universe could be sometimes.  His cousin, for instance, had seen a UFO when vacationing in New Mexico. Harvey always thought it was so cliché to have seen a UFO in the desert, but his cousin was hell-bent on convincing the family it was the truth.

         “I’ll respect your time by getting down to business Harvey.”

         “OK”

         “I need my taxes done for this past business year.”

         This was not a request Harvey was expecting to hear. He thought Leonard might ask for a sleeping bag and a few cans of beans at most. “Look, Leonard I’m sure you want to do your duty as a good American taxpayer. I respect that. But I hardly think you would have income worth rep…”

         “It’s over a half million dollars,” Leonard finished for Harvey. He leaned forward letting Harvey know how serious he took this matter.

         “To report anything you need a social security number, an address. A place of employment helps as well.” Harvey thought these things were obvious. Perhaps Leonard didn’t understand in this modern age of technology things were tracked so tightly.

         “I’ve had a social security number since day one my friend. I remember when FDR signed it into law. As for a home—I’ve owned several for the better part of a hundred years.”

         “Full name?”

         “Leonard Brown. Just like the color of my fur and I’m self-employed if you must know.”

         “Being that old in the social security system will draw attention to you.” Harvey thought he had Leonard on this one.

         “That’s why I’m going to die in the near future my friend. I want to leave everything to my wife and kids.”

         Harvey looked surprised. “You appear healthy. I don’t know anything of Sasquatch physiology, but you look to be moving around quite well in here. You broke in and everything.”

         “No, No, No I’ll see many more sunsets on this earth Harvey.  At some point you’re right. I will draw attention. That’s why I’m here—to make sure the books are in order. I will have to die on paper somehow. That will be tricky with no body, and more importantly, no death certificate.”

         “That sounds impossible. Surely your relatives are the same species as you. They can’t very well go down to county records and file a death certificate. Never mind that there isn’t a body.” Harvey had to admit how impressed he was with Leonard’s manipulation of the system. It would have been easier for him to just lay low and stay out of human affairs. He supposed Leonard’s kind must have a desire to fit in somehow with the mainstream world. All that aside, he saw major flaws in Leonard’s future financial scheme.

         “That’s why I’ve got to put off my paper death as long as possible. I’m thinking I might get lucky and find some transient dead on the side of the road one night and use him for a body.” Leonard sighed as if to say it was a rotten idea, but something had to be done.

         If Harvey didn’t know any better he would say the creature looked frustrated. It was hard to read his emotions through all that fur on his face. He figured if he wanted to get to know his new client better he should try.

         “How old does are you on paper?” Harvey asked

         “Ninety. I know I don’t look it or move like it—you didn’t even see me leap onto this building.” Leonard made a leaping motion with his hand that cast quite a shadow on Harvey’s desk.

         “Your actual age is much older?” Harvey knew the answer was yes. A confirmation from Leonard would make him all that more mysterious. He wasn’t going to ask for the actual number, figuring he might be sensitive about it.

*

Over the next several hours Harvey and Leonard worked out the details of what Leonard’s death would do on paper. They would transfer money through human surrogates that Leonard had worked with for years. They were the people that had originally helped Leonard to open bank and brokerage accounts. As it turned out, Leonard was actually a very successful farmer on the edge of the Canadian/Montana border.

         All of these assets would find their way into the hands of Leonard’s wife Nina and his two children Seth and Lucas. Leonard had explained that his people had tribal names at one time, but it was easier to name his kids American names because that’s how they were known on paper. On top of that, he had said, his children had become “Americanized” with the wide variety of media available to tap into modern culture.

         Leonard said with hesitation, “Now that we have my affairs in order we should talk more about you.” He pointed at Harvey, who thought that giant finger could strangle him all on its own.

         “Leonard I don’t see how you could help me.” Harvey was a bit defensive now. He tried not to show it by manually relaxing the muscles in his face, a trick he learned from a mind control book he had read a few years back.

         “My friend, just listen. You have a boss—Mr. Stapleton if my memory serves me.” Leonard tapped his head with his gigantic palm to emphasize he did have a strong memory. “He’s the owner of this firm.”

         Harvey shook his head in the affirmative. Having this information would have been suspicious ten years ago, Now, it was something Leonard could look up on his Blackberry.

         “I got some bad news regarding Mr. Stapleton. It appears, as best I can tell, your boss isn’t exactly on the up and up.”

         Harvey took a deep breath. He braced for something bad. “Go ahead. I’m a grown man.”

         “I have to tell you I’ve been following him around a bit as best I can.  He seems to visit the adult type places, if you know what I mean.” Leonard blinked.

         “That doesn’t sound like Mr. Stapleton I know. He’s a frugal man, just like me.” Harvey shook his head in disbelief and placed his eyeglasses on his desktop. “I want to back up. You said you followed him. I don’t know how that’s possible. You’re a bit large to be walking around unseen.”

         “Think my friend. There’s tree line all around the town. I use binoculars during the day of course. At night it’s easy. I could almost walk through the town dressed as Wonder Woman and not be noticed. You don’t exactly live in a twenty-four hour city here my friend. No offense.”

“None taken.” Harvey waved the comment off as if it didn’t matter. It’s not like he could get up and wrestle him to the ground even if he became offended.

“That’s not all.” Leonard paused as if he wasn’t sure he wanted to reveal more. “You should also know though, that I think Mr. Stapleton plans on replacing everyone at the firm.”

Harvey realized he had been in denial about this for some time. It was odd it took a giant, furry creature to bring the subject to mental focus. “OK, Leonard I need the details I suppose.” He put his eyeglasses back on. The contrast between blur and clear made Leonard’s face look more human. A quick glance back down at those giant hands reminded him he had seen something so out of the ordinary, he may not be able to fully comprehend the experience for years to come. People had been searching for these creatures for years and Harvey had just help plan one’s fictitious death. That’s a lot to swallow in one sitting; especially for a skeptic like Harvey.

Leonard gave a sad response, “He’s been meeting with other people, interview-style meetings at Frank’s Kitchen and at Elma’s Coffee and Steaks. I can’t identify any of the others at these meetings. I have some license plate numbers and a few photographs.

A grim thought struck Harvey. If Mr. Stapleton was planning on any immediate expansion, he would have informed him surely. Leonard wouldn’t have any reason to make such a thing up.

“I feel like I’m sinking Leonard. I thought Mr. Stapleton to be an honest man. He won’t even let the cashier at the grocer’s throw in a penny to round his change up to an even dollar.” Harvey knew he was deluding himself. So what if he wouldn’t accept a penny? Dishonest people put on a show for everyone. That’s the secret to it—deception.

“Put it out of your head Wesley. I’m prepared to help you in the event Stapleton cleans house around here.” Leonard stood. He looked even more gigantic now that Harvey was seeing him from a seated position.”

         “You leaving Leonard?”

         “For obvious reasons I can’t stay in one place for very long. I’m sure the information I provided was useful. But I’m sorry I had to be the bearer of bad news.”

         Harvey shook the comment off, “No, I needed to hear it. I guess I might be young enough to find something else.”

         Leonard took one of his giant steps toward the door. Harvey heard the wood give just a little, but it held. He was thankful for that. There was no way he would have been able to explain a giant hole in the middle of the floor to Mr. Stapleton. Not that he would have the motivation to explain anything to him. He wouldn’t be having the motivation to do much from here on out.

         Harvey asked, “Will you be able to find me if I’m not here?” He realized how naïve the question sounded. Leonard could find anyone. “I mean we might be able to help one another, maybe go into business together and you could be my silent partner.”

         “Yes, I will be able to find you. Next time, I’ll tell you about the cameras I have all around town. They’re good for keeping track of things here in town. As for the business venture, let me think about it.”

         “Cameras?” Harvey was intrigued once again.

         “Yes, nifty inventions for creatures like me that wish not to be seen.” Leonard gave a devious look that hinted he might know every secret the town had to offer.

         “Take care of yourself Leonard.”

         “That I will my friend.”

         Leonard took a long look out the window, checking in all directions for anyone. Harvey knew no one was there. No one was ever there this time of night.

         Once Leonard had disappeared across the street and into the tree line, Harvey put on his coat. He wasn’t going to stick around here anymore. He didn’t plan on doing Stapleton any sort of favors ever again.

         The snow was picking up and he rushed through it to get home. For just an instant, he thought he saw a set of green eyeballs among some trees as he passed the empty convenience store. He had a secret guardian now and that was an immense comfort.