her last thought faded.

Alice had many acquaintances more than most, but no friends. she wasn’t someone you could easily forget. most thought her a little odd, some called her weird but she was liked for her quirkiness if not entirely excepted. she got along with and was trusted by those that met her.

The night was going swimmingly. she had been sitting with about 8 or so people she knew at a large table, the light was low, music loud and the night young.
suddenly she didn’t feel herself and decided to find somewhere quiet. standing up her vision became foggy, "have i had that much to drink" she wondered!
making her way to the unused stairwell at the back of the room she fell. her body was failing her, limbs like led. feeling an overwhelming sense of urgency she began to crawl. she could see the stairwell but it seemed small and far away, the edge of her vision was black and seemed to be folding in over itself. finally her hand fell away in front of her, it seemed like an eternity since she had stood up, she lost the struggle to keep here eyes open. with the last of her energy she dragged herself down 4 steps and rested her head on the wall. vertigo hit, world spinning she awaited the release of sleep.
it would be the last time she would sleep away from home alone for years.

Thud!...
she could not so much hear it as feel it, she stirred a little but unable to open her eyes and entirely disorientated she didn’t realize what was happening. a pain in her wrists.
Thud!...
there it was again, but this time it jared her, her eyes opened for a moment. she was at the bottom of the stairs looking up at her feet still on the steeps, a door creaked, pain in her wrists, she was moving. she tasted fear and bile in her throat, what was going on, what is happening, "leave me alone" she thought but could not form the words. she was slipping out of consciousness again and fought it, "is this a dream" she felt detached from her body, could no longer feel it, she was trapped, scared. the acid taste of fear in her mouth reminded her something was wrong. she fought the encompassing security of vacancy, darkness, doubted its gauze but it was unavoidable, danger seemed averted, the darkness promised to take away her vulnerability and shelter her from the taste of fear. releasing herself to it darkness encompassed her, "was i dreaming" her last thought faded like a lighter out of gas.

a single thought, she watched it but it was faint and could not be grasped. another, she trapped it, a voice, a loud voice, i know that voice.
"what are you doing!" voice 1. there was a sense of urgency, accusation.
"Shhhhh" voice 2.
mumbling......
Darkness.

she stirred, darkness. "am i still dreaming". she brought her hand to her face to wipe the sleep from her eyes. her face was tacky, she ignored it and surveyed her surroundings with her hands. a small room like a closet. sitting for some time she pondered how she got there, last memory falling asleep on the stairs. fumbling for the door handle she released herself from the black cell. light flooded in it was morning. assessing the floor she discovered there was no vomit, what was on her face!
walking wearily into the public toilets up the street she saw bruises on her wrists, confusion set in. suddenly she noticed the ache in her bones, and her clothes. scrambling to the basin she raised her head to the mirror...
Fear, bile..... dejavoo, realization.
she heaved, content fleeing her body. convulsing again and again she scratched at the dry mess on her face, in her hair. choking noiseless screams escaping her lips
"NOOOOHOHO HO"

She had never dreamed before, but now sleep brought vivid nightmares. in the light of day she would often wonder how her mind could come up with such horrors.
in the safety of her room she knew her screams would not wake or worry anyone. she always made it home to sleep but her familiar surroundings did not give much comfort, the beasts of her nightmares would always find her. she would wake sometimes drenched in sweat, the sheets sticking to her body, dry throat, hair slick on her face. the first time she had wet the bed, the shock was too much. while dreaming she would wish for darkness or the end. evanescent thoughts of suicide touched her in times of great despare. lucid dreams became her reality in the dark of night. she would dream of waking in her own bed, unable to move. creatures lurking just out of her sight but the shadows of there hands creeping up the bed towards her, slowly, endlessly, with intent the stench of her fear stinging her scenses. unable to tear her eyes away, never seeing but always knowing what comes next. no one knew, this burden was hers alone.

Survival...
always sleep at home.
sleep alone.
pour or buy your own drinks.
feel uncompftable, leave.
no dairy after 5.

"Alice you saucy wee minx. nice skirt, could loose a few inches tho!" *voice 3*.
his cheeky but kindly meant comments always made her smile. she had warmed to him, he was always gentle, playfull, smiling and genuine.
she had taken to climbing in his window late at night for company, she felt she had found a friend. she returned home after such a visit to a pleasant surprised.
a dream...
the wind blew the wheat field like waves in the sea, whiskers on the heads tickling the palm's of her hands. the gold and blue vision stretched on for ever, not a shadow to be seen. she felt taller in this dream, the beauty her eyes beheld and the fresh, sweet smells invigorated her. could this be true? she wanted never to wake. turning around a mound obscured the horizon, naturally she approached, fearless and free.
she felt him before she saw him laying on the mound, she knew him, had always knowen him. she would see him wearing many faces, always with the same smell but this time he was faceless. he reached for her hand and gently pulled her down beside him. in this world he was the sun and his gravity pulled her in. she let his arm rest protectively around her waist and rested her head on his shoulder, warmth enveloping her a solitary tear escaped.

as the dreams continued she became bold, staying at *voice 3's* when it was late and easier than the long march home. she slept beside him, safe, secure, warm. he had never made physical advances on her, she could sleep unharassed. her dream man visited her in there haven, he had a face.

something had become apparent over the last few months. she knew who the voice belonged to, the voice from that night she had recognised. what had he said? "what are you doing" voice 1. in her mind he had some how saved her, he was by no means chivalrous by nature but wouldn’t anyone who came across that say something, do something. she was waiting for a time to ask, ask what he had seen. her time came one drizzly afternoon at a flat. he was alone in the kitchen putting knives on for spots, she approached him shyly not knowing how to breach the subject. "umm, can i ask you something?" she leaned against the bench out of view of the other guests. "i have a memory that bothers me and you can help, you were there" lifting her hand she nervously brushed the hair from her face. silence...
"please" she pleaded
he turned slowly, the scolding knives in hand. "don’t ever bring that up again. with anyone. i don’t know what your talking about" with those foul words he brought the knives down on her chest pressing with force. a cry escaped, the stench of burning fabric accosted her. pain shot across her chest but she couldn’t pull away, trapped.
the scowel stayed on his face as he casually turned around to place the knives back. she fled the stench of her burnt skin, down stairs to the bathroom. tears streaming down, she locked the door and splashed water over herself. "did i do something wrong?" looking down she could see the fabric fused to her nipples, her skin unrecognisable. pealing it away the sharp pain raced to her throat but she stilled it, clenching her teeth instead and wiping the tears from her puffy face. a long heavy stride over head brought new terror, fear driving her now clumsy and tortured body out the window. BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG he was beating at the door with his foot and shoulder "stupid bitch, open the door". as she dropped from the window the door gave way but she was gone.
she didn’t feel safe at home, but hid out in a spare room with some frozen vegetables. "why is this happening, did i do something wrong, was he protecting a friend"
all to suddenly it dawned on her.
fear, bile, window. her lunch left her fleeing, disgusted. the ground was not far enough and she watched it escaping down the garden path.
her savior, judged and found wanting. an accomplice.

sleepy and drunk she crawled onto his bed and collapsed, asleep before she even pulled the blankets over. it was some time before she was awoken by his presence standing at the end of the bed. he was very drunk. she rolled away to return to her dream man but his hand slowly traced up her leg to her skirt. she froze. "what is he doing!"
she waited for him to lay down but he crawled up the bed over her. confused and feigning sleep she attempted to slow the rise and fall of her chest, but her breath quickened and heart raced. he pulled at her underwear "no" a small voice escaped her. he continued. shock pulsed through her veins and she squirmed to get away from him, his big hands stilled her. "no" a little louder "please stop". could he not hear her "NO", his hand disappeared up her skirt and cupped her buttox. "NO" guilt filled her mind, was it so wrong, hadn’t he always been so good to her, been her friend. why did his hands on her make her feel sick, want to disappear. the guilt outgrew the disgust, giving in she forced herself onto her tummy and became motionless. pushing her head into the pillow she muffled her heavy breath, a silent river of guilt and disgust flowed. wishing, preying, hoping for the encompassing security of darkness, vacancy to take her again. but it would not. she did not look at him again that night
waiting for the unmistakable signs of sleep so she could escape guilt surged through her, she felt sick with herself. why did she feel this way, he had never hurt her, infact he had been kind to her. he was not unattractive yet she had not wanted this, ever. loud steady snores rumbled from him. she had found his scent comforting in the past, now it offended her, nauseating, repulsive.

it was 5 years before she saw the man in her dreams again.
he was cute, tidy, shy but persuasive. her attraction for him was undeniable but she NEVER encouraged guys in town and certainly wouldn't go home with one.
until... he made one last attempt to give her his number and leaned in to whisper in her ear. her face brushed against his neck, the hair on hers stood on end.
his sent, mmm. it was edible, addictive like gravity she as drawn to him. it was a little different but she knew this smell, had always knowen this smell.
she kissed him, hands gently cupping his face then made her exit home, with his number. she had found a friend and a lover.
anxiously she closed her eyes an awaited sleep. he came to her, a new face, same smell, it had been so long. she wept inside.

five years later and 3 faces she still dreamed of him when thinking of a special man, if life was hard every waking moment was spent in the pursuit of sleep. he was her security, her smile, the laughter in her eyes, her escape, her future. any man with his scent became her sun, she was asphyxiated without them.

at a party a girl confided in her. told her of a monster who had dragged her drunk and barely conscious to a closet many years ago. told of her shame, how she had been afraid to tell anyone, how he had threatened her, that he was at the party. the girl talked of the details, the place, the fear, she had no doubt it was him. her opportunity had arrived 10 years later.
"hello".she stood there looking at this man, not such a monster. older maby 38. she felt small, 16 again. "Alice! wow you look amassing" voice 2. she had seen him about over the years and knew his younger brother. wincing inside at his words she continued thinking of the girl in the next room. "when did we first meet?" she said bluntly. "it was a long time ago" voice 2. "i was 16, around Christmas! infact i was wearing a green dress i had made" she watched his eyes dart to the ground. awkward silence. she pushed "don’t you remember?". "should i, it was years ago. you have a good memory, do you remember anything else?" he sat, nervously scratched his neck and raked his fingers across his leg. "i remember waking up in a closet". his shoulders sunk, he avoided her eyes. "do you want something from me" voice 2. "do you remember". "am i supposed to remember, I’m sorry obviously you think i have done something wrong" voice 2 she winced at these words, they hurt. she had asked herself this many times. " you ether remember or cant remember what time I’m talking about. so! witch is it" she accused. his continued presence justified his being guilty, feeling guilty. " I’m sorry if you feel i have hurt you or that i have done something wrong.. silence... i cant help you" his face to the ground as he spoke she watched. this was not the man from her nightmares, yes he was. she was no longer the 16 yo girl in the closet. she felt taller and walked from the room before she cracked. she saw the girl next to the doorway, she had been listening, lips clenched between her teeth and tears cascading over her lashes. she gave the girl a hug "I’m so sorry, you should go home. shall i take you" she was looking in the mirror again, the pain, anguish and realization made the girl speechless. they walked out into the night, not alone, they had each other.