A "love" story |
The Girl with the Smiling Eyes New Years Eve, 2000, the dawn of the new millennium. Snow fell outside as Jack sat at the bar, drinking beer, pretty much as he had done every night for the last fifteen years, his once slim, athletic body showing the effects. Grey light filtered through the two small windows at the front of the place, matching the mood of the lonely men sitting there. Few lights were on, the owner said it was to save electricity but everyone knew it was so the patrons could blend in with the atmosphere, not having to look at each other, not having to talk. Just sit at the bar and stare at their reflections in the mirror, seeing the lonely, hollow faces looking back at them, faces of men beat down by life and the decisions they made. It wasn’t always like this, there was a time when this place was full of life, full of hope, people coming in and having a good time, happy to be alive. But now, that was all gone, just the normal progression of life, people find other places to go, places newer, more hip. And slowly the place became like it was this night. Quiet, just the sound of the television set, noise to fill the brain, to try to stop the pain from returning, to stop the thinking. A place filled with lonely people with no place to go. It was during those good times that he first patronized Sully’s and first met Michelle. She had come in with a group of people. He had been sitting at the bar, in the same seat he was sitting now. He was immediately attracted to her. It took him a minute to figure out why. She wasn’t exceptionally beautiful, shoulder length brown hair, not overweight but not too thin either, about five two. But that wasn’t it, it was the eyes. There was something about her eyes. As she walked by with her friends to the pool table, he couldn’t take his eyes from her face. Every time she turned his way, he saw those eyes, she even glanced at him occasionally, she knew he was looking at her. Her eyes sparkled, no that wasn’t it, they smiled. She was a girl with smiling eyes. He stayed much longer than he should have that night. Normally he would come after work to have a beer before he went home to his wife and son. He was thirty-five at the time, with a good job, middle management at a local manufacturing plant. He had been married for 10 years to his high school sweetheart, and he had an eight year old son. For the most part he was happy. It was the kind of life he had always been told he was supposed to live, the life of the typical American male as seen every night on prime time in the 60’s when he grew up. The first few years of his marriage were good, his wife and he had been able to do things, go places, have fun. But then their son was born and life changed. Suddenly there was a third person in their lives that needed to come first. Not that he minded, he loved his son, but now there was no time for romantic dinners, weekends at the shore, just being alone together. And the sex stopped as well. What was once a very good sex life had turned into a chore once a month, and even then it was usually a fight. He had tried everything, but he finally gave up, he was through begging, through asking. He still loved his wife and his son, he never blamed his son for the changes in his life. He spent all the time he could with him, playing with him, going to ball games, after school activities, whatever he could do. Hoping the rest of it would get better, but knowing it wouldn’t. And that was what had brought him to Sully’s bar. Sully’s bar, one of the oldest bars in town, once owned by a man named Sullivan, although he was long dead and gone. When he first started coming in, there were plate glass windows in the front. The bar was mahogany, with exquisite carvings on the front, a brass rail, with the patina of many hands upon it. It ran the length of the right side wall, curving at the front of the room, blocking entrance to the rear of the bar. There was a back bar with identical carvings and three mirrors, the one in the middle the tallest. Bottles lined the shelf of the back bar, cheap stuff on the bottom, good stuff on the top. Leather covered stools lined the bar, but at night, there usually wasn’t an empty one to be had. Opposite the bar were the pool tables, two of them, with more stools lined against the wall where a long shelf had been installed, so people could sit while watching the games, or the players could place their drinks. There were several small tables in this area as well, where couples could sit and gaze into each others eyes, or someone else’s. At the back of the room was the card table, mostly used during the day when the neighborhood locals would come in to play cribbage or pinochle. There was a back door, which the old timers said was how they would leave when the cops were coming in the front, back in the good old days. The story was when Sully owned the place, you could always get a drink no matter what your age, but the rule was you had to sit in the back, and at the first sign of trouble, you had to be out that back door. The last ten years had not been kind to Sully’s. There was a change in ownership and a change of clientele. The windows were gone now, boarded up with particle board, leaving two small windows, the old ones broken too many times after too many fights. The back bar had been damaged, no one seems to remember how and there were just plain shelves and one large mirror there now although no one would look in it, no one wanted to see what they had become. The bar itself was the same, but chewed up, gouged and scratched, the decorative pieces, missing or broken. The stools were now plastic covered. The card table was gone, the card players having died through the years. The pool tables were still there, but hardly used, their coverings shiny and torn. The small cocktail tables were now used as headrests by those lonely souls who passed out nightly. This is where Jack sat, on this snowy New Year’s Eve, alone, thinking of the girl with the smiling eyes. Michelle was spending New Year’s Eve at a friend’s house. She was with all her old friends, the same ones she had had since high school. They had drifted apart for awhile, after her marriage, he was a controlling, brutal man, and wouldn’t allow her to see them. He never beat her, it was just mental abuse, telling her she was useless and saying she couldn’t do anything right. She had met him back in 1986, he was older, but so sweet and handsome. She had fallen in love with him then, she believed the lies he told her and they married two years after meeting, to the chagrin of her parents. But she was in love, she wanted to be with him all the time. He was the first man she had ever felt like this with. With all the other men she had she always kept looking, usually hurting whoever she was with at the time when she left him for the next conquest. But her husband was different, she never wanted to cheat on him, she wanted to be with him forever. He evidently didn’t feel the same, she had found out he had been cheating on her for years with a string of young women, girls really, the same age as she was when she met him. She divorced him last year and was now a single, free, happy woman, once again able to party with her friends. Michelle was always an outgoing person, not the center of attention, but certainly close to it. She liked to party and have fun with her friends. In the old days, she laughed to herself at that, the old days like she was so old, they would go out and play pool until the wee hours of the morning. Places like Sully’s or The Fox Den. Drink, play pool and party that was their motto. Her main group of friends numbered herself and five others, three boys, three girls. And yes occasionally there was some sex involved, the kind of sex that friends will have when they are close and have had too much to drink. But that didn’t happen often. No, Michelle had a string of boyfriends, some for a month, some for longer some for less, but it was always the same, date them, bed them, dump them for another that caught her eye, all part of her game. She couldn’t remember any of them, not really, just faces. Except one. She still remembered Jack. He was the last one before she met her husband, in fact she left Jack for him, no left wasn’t the right word, dumped Jack, just like all the others. But for some reason Jack always stuck in her mind. As she played pool at the party she recalled the first night she saw Jack. The gang decided to go to Sully’s, they had heard it was a fun place to go with good pool tables. They walked in the door, she leading the way, she saw a handsome man sitting at the bar and he was checking her out. That didn’t surprise her, after all she took pride in her looks, she knew she was good looking and carried herself as such. But what did surprise her were his eyes, even from 20 feet away she could see they were a deep steel blue, and so intense. He wasn’t looking at her with lust in his eyes, she knew that look, the look of an older man who just wanted to bed her, no it was a look of something else, something she couldn’t quite put her finger on. Through the night as she played pool she kept glancing over to him and he was always looking at her with that same look. It didn’t make her uncomfortable, not at all, in fact she enjoyed it, and it made her feel quite at ease. She decided it was the look of a man who appreciated a woman for being a woman, not a sex object, not a maid, as a woman, as an equal. She played with him mentally throughout the night, moving a little more erotically than she might have, bending over to make shots when she didn’t have to, letting him see the curves of her body, allowing a view down the front of her blouse, but he never stopped looking into her eyes. “Damn it,” she thought, “aren’t you going to come over and a least talk to me?” She certainly wasn’t going to go over to him although she wanted to. He was so cool sitting there talking to those around him, not acknowledging her return looks or her actions. He certainly wasn’t like the guys she knew. She guessed he was in his late thirties, maybe forty, about six feet tall and 200 pounds. He still had a full head of hair, and a few times while talking with the people who were with him, he smiled a wonderful, warm smile. And then there were those blue eyes. Now fifteen years later, she wondered what he looked like. She thought she saw him once maybe five years ago, but she couldn’t get a good look at him, not at his eyes anyway, and she didn’t have the nerve to go speak with him, not after the way she had treated him. After that first night, she thought of him all that week. She knew she was going to go back to Sully’s even if she had to go alone, because she wanted to see him. When Friday came she grew more and more excited as the day progressed. She was still in college at the time and had a hard time concentrating on her studies that day. She hoped he would be there. He was. Sitting on the same stool once again he saw her as she entered the door and his eyes caught hers. This time she was ready for him, she smiled, a smile she had practiced so many times on so many other men one that said “If you want me, come and get me”, although she had never tried it on an older man. She walked past him, smiling that smile, he never broke his gaze, it was the same as last week, a gaze of appreciation of her as a woman. As she did the first time, Michelle tried to mentally play and flirt with him. This time she had dressed a little more seductively. A look here, a flash of skin there, she was trying to seduce him. He didn’t seem at all phased by it, he would just look her way, never changing his expression, always looking with those blue eyes, continuing whatever conversation he may have been having. Did he know he was driving her crazy? Did he know she wanted him? “And I’ll get him too”, she thought. All this was going through her mind on that snowy New Years Eve as she had another drink and took her shots on the pool table. Jack sat at the bar, looking at the television, looking but not seeing, listening, but not hearing. His mind was thinking of Michelle. He remembered her bursting into his life like it was yesterday. That first Friday night she came in with her friends he couldn’t take his eyes off of her. All night long it seemed as if she was teasing him, trying to get in front of him, bending down so he could see her ass, her tight jeans pulled even tighter. Or when she was facing him, her shirt unbuttoned a couple of buttons, enough where he could see the lacy black bra covering her breasts. He was turned on more than he had been in years. But it wasn’t so much what she was doing, it was more the way she carried herself, she was proud of who she was, confident in her looks, she knew she was good looking but didn’t flaunt it, and Jack could tell she didn’t mind being looked at. How he wanted her. She was so different from his wife, Michelle was outgoing, his wife, quiet and shy. Michelle loved being with people, his wife preferred to be alone. Michelle laughed, his wife hardly ever. Michelle was so full of life, his wife acted as if her life had drained away leaving her to whither and die. “How great it would be to have a woman like that” Jack thought. “Life would be so fun and exciting, and I am sure she is great in bed.” Jack thought about that a lot when he looked at women, how they would be in bed. He had only been with one woman, his wife. They met in high school and were married after he graduated from college. She had been his first and only. He had never even thought of straying although he had opportunities to do so. He traveled for his company, to different plants they owned and to customer locations, but he had always remained true. He would think about it when he was on a trip, maybe see someone in the hotel bar, wonder what it would be like, but he never made a move, he would just have a drink and head to his hotel room alone, to satisfy his needs the way he always did. And he knew tonight, after looking at her all night he would do the same. Jack thought of her all week. He just thought of her as her, he didn’t know her name, he hadn’t asked anyone if they knew her and he couldn’t recall any of her friends calling her name. He hoped she would be there this Friday, maybe he would hear her name then. But he doubted she would come. He wasn’t that lucky. Friday came and he went through the motions at work all day. His mind was on Sully’s and the girl with the smiling eyes. Five o’clock came and he couldn’t leave the office fast enough, He had told his wife he was going out that night and he would find his own dinner. She didn’t care, she never cared. Leaving the office, he drove to a nearby pizza joint and had a sub. He chewed, but didn’t taste, he just kept thinking about her, wondering if she would tease him again, although surely she hadn’t been last week. He wondered what she would be wearing, although he knew no matter what she would look great. She was the type who would look good in anything or nothing he thought, trying not to think like that, but not being able to help it. Driving to Sully’s, he was more and more excited. He couldn’t remember what time she had come in last week, seven? Eight? Nine? He hoped it would be early, he wanted to enjoy looking at her for as long as possible. It was just past seven when she walked in, he saw her as she walked past the window. As she opened the door and entered he once again saw her eyes, the smiling eyes. And she looked right at him and smiled. “Surely she isn’t smiling at me” Jack thought. But it wasn’t a mistake, her eyes were locked on his and she smiled at him. The smile was for him. “Could she be interested in me? Was that a smile of invitation? Or was it just a smile because she caught me looking at her?” He didn’t know, he didn’t care. He would never approach her anyway. He would just look and be happy to fantasize about her. As the night went on, Jack noticed that she seemed to be paying even more attention to him than last week. He felt like she was giving him a private showing of some kind. Not a strip tease, not a sluttish kind of show, but a show of her body, a show of her personality, all for him. And he wanted her. He wanted to take her in his arms, hold her, kiss her, undress her, make love to her. But he knew it would never be, could never be. He was married and he would remain true. It was around nine thirty when she came over to him. She walked to the bar and sat on the empty stool beside him. She had been playing pool and there was a fine sheen of sweat on her brow, it was warm in Sully’s that night. “Mind if I sit down” she asked, her eyes continuing to smile. “Please do” he answered. “Can I buy you a drink?” He couldn’t believe he said that, that he offered to buy her a drink and that he even talked to her, his throat was dry, his stomach was in knots. “Sure, I could use another beer” she said. “It seems to be pretty warm in here tonight. I’m not sure if it is the pool or the company.” She smiled at him as she unbuttoned the next button of her blouse. “Yes it is” Jack replied, “very.” He could not believe he was sitting next to this beautiful woman, a woman who he had dreamt about all his life. He ordered, trying to be cool, to not show she had him turned on and flustered at the same time. He didn’t know what to do, what to say, he had never talked to a woman other than his wife, at least not in this type of situation. Jack couldn’t help thinking she was hitting on him, which was crazy, she had to have seen his ring and besides what would she see in him? Why would she want anything to do with him when she could have her pick of anyone in the place? The beer came and she raised it and said “A toast, to new friends.” Jack raised his and said “To new friends and new adventures.” “I’m Michelle, and you are” she said as she stuck out her hand. “Jack” he said, taking her soft hand in his, “Very nice to meet you.” “Same here” she smiled, her eyes lighting up. “I like that toast, to new adventures. What kind of adventures would you like to have Jack? Anything in particular?” Jack’s brain was swimming. He didn’t know if it was the beer, the heat or the perfume she was wearing, she smelled so good, he didn’t know what to say. “Be cool” he thought to himself, “Don’t say anything stupid.” “Life itself is an adventure Michelle, so anything new in life is an adventure.” That was good he thought, pretty quick too, didn’t sound stupid but didn’t really reveal anything. “True, Jack, but there are some things in life that are more adventurous than others. Sex for instance, that can be adventurous, sex with someone new, someone different, that’s an adventure.” He couldn’t believe what he had just heard, not only what he heard but the way she looked at him when she said it. It was a look of passion, of wanting, of not backing down, she wanted him, she wanted to have sex with him. He had the urge to flee, to get the hell out of there as fast as he could, but he didn’t flee. “Have some balls for once in your life Jack” he thought. “She wants you, take her.” But did she want him or was he just hoping she did? Was he reading more into this than what was there? “And do you like those kinds of adventures Michelle?” “I might” she answered slyly, never unlocking her eyes from his. “You’re married to a good woman who loves you” his conscience was saying, “true it could be better, but you love her.” His mind was spinning; if that wasn’t an invitation he didn’t know what was. His head told him to back off, but he wasn’t thinking with his head now. He looked at her and was thinking what it would be like to make love to her, to feel her naked beside him, locked in a passionate embrace. “Perhaps some day we’ll share an adventure.” He answered. “Oh, I think we will, more than one” she smiled looking right at him, then hearing her friends calling to her, rose and went back to the pool table. Jack couldn’t believe this, never in his life had something like this happened to him. He had never been propositioned before and to have it happen by this beautiful young woman was more than he could bear. He left the bar and headed home, home to a cold wife. Jack looked outside through the small window, watching the snow fall on this New Years Eve, the same warm feeling returning to his gut as it did whenever he thought of Michelle. Her friend Michael was talking to her. “Mich, it’s your shot, where the hell are you tonight? You seem so far away. What are you thinking about? It’s New Years Eve, relax.” “I’m thinking that life is an adventure Michael” she answered, “just one big adventure.” She did get him she thought. It took a couple of weeks; she had played it cool and went slow. She knew he was married, she had seen his ring the first time she talked to him. That only made her want him more, it was the whole going after something you aren’t supposed to have syndrome. She would have wanted him anyway but the fact he was married made her want him even more. “If this is Sully’s and Michelle is here it must be Friday” Jack laughed as she walked in the door as she had for the last four weeks. She smiled, her sexiest smile saying “Yes it must be” and sat beside him. “You are all alone, where are you buddies?” Jack inquired. “They wanted to go somewhere else tonight, but I wanted to come here. I am in search of adventure tonight.” Michelle laughed to herself at that, she had decided this was the night, and she was pulling out all the stops, going right for the jugular. “Really? Do I need ask what kind of adventure?” “Oh, I think you know, we have talked about adventures before.” Winking at him as she said it she placed her hand on his thigh. “Don’t you remember?” For the first time since she had met him, she saw him flinch as she looked in his eyes. She knew she had him. “Maybe we should go for a ride?” Jack looked at her his blue eyes full of fire. She watched him as he rose from his stool, paid his tab and said “Let’s go”. “We’ll take my car” Michelle said, “I am out back”. She led him through the back door, her car parked at the farthest point from the bar she could be. She had done that on purpose, she didn’t want to take a chance of being seen with a married man, and also figured he wouldn’t want to be seen either. She had already planned on where they would go, her sister and her husband had gone away for the weekend and had asked her to keep an eye on their house. “Oh, I’ll keep an eye on it all right” she thought. They got into the car and Michelle began driving. She waited for Jack to ask her where they were going but he didn’t say a word. He just sat there looking at her with a smile on his face. She thought that he was the coolest guy she had even known. He showed no excitement, no fear, she could tell he trusted her completely. They exchanged small talk on the way to her sisters house, when they arrived, she used the remote to open the garage door. She saw him smile at that, she knew he felt safe with her, he could tell she had taken precautions. They made love for hours, she had never had a man like him, so passionate, rough yet gentle, firm yet soft. He wouldn’t stop, but that was fine with her. “I knew he would be great” she thought to herself. Even when she would see the ring, it didn’t bother her, knowing he was married. He was hers now. Her toy. Her sex object. Her prize. She won the game. When they were done that first night, he held her and kissing her passionately said “Thank-you.” “Thank-you? It is I who should thank you, you were great. I have the place for the weekend, we should do it again.” “Mich!!! It’s your turn again. Will you get your head in the damn game!” She laughed at Michael. Her head was in the game, just not this one. Jack walked to the front door, opened it and looked outside. The snow was heavier now, this was going to be a good storm. He was glad he lived just down the street. He lived all alone in the building commonly known as “Heartbreak Hotel”. It had been called that for years, he remembered laughing at it then never thinking he would actually live there some day. But some day was here, and he was living there in a one room efficiency on the third floor. “God, I have sunk so low” he thought. “What the fuck went wrong? What the fuck went so very wrong?” It has all happened so fast, that first Friday night at Michelle’s sisters house. They had made love for hours and it was great like he knew it would be. She wanted to meet again the next day but he couldn’t, he had to do something with his son, he couldn’t remember what now, all he remembered was that the whole day he thought of Michelle. He did sneak out to meet her Sunday though, they didn’t have much time and their lovemaking was hard and fast but so passionate. He couldn’t believe how she responded to him and how he responded to her. He never knew it could be so good. The next two months went by like a whirlwind, they would sneak off when ever he could and he began to find more and more reasons why he could. He lied to his wife; he lied to his boss, whatever he had to do to be with her. Sometimes they would meet and go to her sister’s house, while they were at work, sometimes they would get a motel room. They made love in the car, they made love in the woods and one time they made love in his office. Sometimes, if it was that time of month for her, she would just perform some quick oral sex on him, he never could believe how much she liked that, hell, how much she liked everything. It went on for two months, his wife never suspected, maybe she just didn’t care, he didn’t know or care. He didn’t know when he fell in love with her. He wasn’t even sure why. “No, that’s not true” he thought. “I loved her because she was so full of life, so full of fun, everything I needed then and still do.” Some times after their lovemaking they would talk, she would tell her about her dreams, how she wanted to travel, become a teacher. He would tell her about his day at work, about his son and about how his wife didn’t seem to care about him anymore. Once they had even talked about him leaving his wife and living with her, sharing a life together. Then it ended as suddenly as it had started. He called her, she didn’t answer. He tried for three days, finally on the third day she answered the phone. “Hello” she said. He knew it was her, but yet she sounded different, distant. “Hi, It’s Jack. I’ve been trying to reach you for three days. Did you forget we had a date?” “No, Jack, I didn’t forget. I don’t want to see you anymore.” His heart sank, he couldn’t believe what she had just said. His mouth was dry, he was seeing red, he felt faint. “What do you mean Michelle? What’s the matter?” “It’s over Jack, it was fun, but it’s over, don’t call me anymore. Go back to your wife, maybe if you made love to her like you do to me she would love you again.” “But Michelle, I don’t love her, I love you.” “It doesn’t matter Jack, I don’t love you and besides you are married to her.” Silence, then the buzz of a dial tone. He held the receiver in his hand. He was in shock. What happened? Just three days ago they had made love with more heat and passion than any other time except for the first, they had talked about living together. “That must be it” thought Jack, “I must have scared her away.” He would get her back. He wrote her a letter apologizing for pressuring her, asking her to call. It came back to his office “Return to sender”. He tried to call, her number was disconnected. He drove by her house, he never saw her car there. She was gone. Just like she came into his life, she left it. He never saw her again. Not in person anyway. He saw her picture in the paper when she got engaged and again when she got married. But that was it. After she left, his life went downhill. He drank more than ever. His work suffered, he lost his job, finally his wife left as well. She couldn’t deal with him any longer, his anger, his depression, his guilt, although she didn’t know it was guilt. And that was what it was mostly, the guilt, the guilt he felt for cheating on his wife, for lying, for putting someone else ahead of her. She never found out, although he thinks she suspected. But he knew. It ate at him for years. He drank to try to ease the pain, the pain from the guilt and the pain of Michelle leaving. Now he was living at the “Heartbreak”, working a factory job on an assembly line, drinking his pain away every night alone here at Sully’s. As he walked into the street headed home, he thought the sad thing was he still loved Michelle. Michelle knew it was time to go. She had more to drink than she should have. She had managed to work herself into a mild state of depression. “Why did I have to think of him now? I haven’t thought of him in years.” But she had thought of him, more times than she cared to admit. She thought of him when her husband fucked her, that’s what it was, it had ceased to be making love soon after the marriage. She had thought of him on those cold lonely nights when her husband was out with one of his little girlfriends and had forbid her to leave the house, taking her car keys so she couldn’t leave. And she was thinking of him now as she got into her car and began to drive home. Those two months were pretty wild. She remembered how passionate he was, he had been the best she had before she met him, and the best she had since. She couldn’t get enough of him. He would tell her he loved her but she had guys tell her that before, usually because they just wanted to do her again. But the whole time they were having their affair, she was still looking for someone new, another conquest, which is when she met her husband. In fact she had sex with him for the first time while she was still seeing Jack. She fell in love with him. What a mistake that had been, but thankfully it was over now. The last time with Jack she knew it was going to be the last, so she was the best she had ever been. Their lovemaking had been passionate yet tender. She had more orgasms than ever before. “I am going to miss this that’s for sure” she thought when it was over. She began thinking about how she might be able to keep it going, sneaking around on both of them. Jack started talking about leaving his wife so he could be with her. It was then that she realized he was serious and that when he said he loved her, he meant it. She froze. She had never planned on that. She had thought he only wanted her for the sex and now she knew he wanted her. “Well,” she thought, I don’t have to worry about sneaking around on him, it’s over now.” She didn’t answer her phone for three days. When she finally did and it was him, she said something she figured would hurt him, she couldn’t remember now what it was and hung up. She had time off from school between semesters and took off, spending most of the time with her new lover. When she returned, she had a letter from him, she sent it back, unopened. She disconnected her phone and got a new unlisted number. She never heard from him again. Driving down the road the snow was pretty heavy. “Damn you Jack, get out of my head”. As she came to the intersection at the end of the street she realized if she turned right she would go by Sully’s. She hadn’t been by there in years, she wondered if it was even still there. She had never been back in there after she ended it with Jack. She turned right. Heading down the street, maybe a little faster than she should, she was surprised at how narrow the street was. Of course it was spring when she was here before, now there were snow banks and cars parked on the street. “Why am I doing this?” she wondered. “Why am I torturing myself, bringing up these memories?” She knew why, after all this time she could admit it, admit that she too had loved him. She saw the small neon sign that was Sully’s, she smiled knowing at least that hadn’t changed. She wondered if Jack still went in there, maybe she should stop in and ask. No, she could never face Jack after all this time. Another car was approaching her, she pulled to the right quickly, sliding on the snow as she did so. She never saw Jack as she ran into him, throwing him directly into the path of the oncoming car. Jumping from the car, she looked at his body, face up, battered, lifeless. She didn’t see the twisted legs going in several directions, she didn’t see the blood coming from his mouth, all she saw was the lifeless steel blue eyes. |