An Unexpected Visit

It was an unexpected visit.
         It was early Sunday morning and I had barely woken up and was refreshing myself with a cup of strong coffee that I heard the doorbell ring. Funny I thought to myself, who would come at 8 am on a Sunday. Must be the bill .Yawning I opened the door and there stood what I was hoping was not what I was seeing. Standing with a big smile on her face and two children behind her, was my "maasi" all decked up to go to a wedding.
For those who came in late, let me tell you what a "maasi" is. It is one of those distance relatives (which are abundant in Indian families) who never calls you or remembers you except when they have a suitable bride whom they are too eager to get married to you, or when they realize that they can use your private house as a base camp for all their inter city expeditions or worse still when they are determined to embarrass you by expecting us innocent kids to remember their names and how we are related.
Maasis come in two standard sizes. The first, exceedingly short and round, looking like an American footfall, the other short and thin.
My maasi, to no surprise came in the former specification. It is a peculiar characteristic of my relatives this trait of abundant lack of height, more specifically with distant relatives.
But more than their physical appearance it is another trait which frightens me and my brothers. It is that almost brazen and confident attitude with which they appear at your doorstep, unannounced and uninvited, stating casually in their machine-gun-like conversations that they will be staying at your residence for an indefinite period of time as they have some commitments in the city. How they acquire this assassin-like attitude we are left amazed since childhood when they would come home, and as if like trained ninjas appear silently right beside you and pull your cheeks proclaiming how sweet and cute we were. Yes, we were left many a times with traumatic experiences, fortunately none that marred us for life.
As I realized the above and painstakingly tried to recollect her name, for appearances such as these cannot be forgotten, and was expecting her to ask me to guess her name any moment, she greeted me with the same customary pull of the cheeks and barged in with two small children, almost flinging me out of her route.
I was, as you can well imagine in a state of shock. Relatives coming home, when the family is around to shield us from awkwardness is stressing enough but here I was all alone in my home with nobody but me to handle this. And to top it all, it was a Sunday morning, the day my brain takes double the time to come to a functional mode. My brain, sustaining this severe shock had been forced to maximum performance and by now I was getting ready for conversation.
My first reaction was why in all of earth did she come to my home and why did not my family inform me of this avoidable disaster.
         Finally I said "How are you maasi, so delighted to see you here" (which of course I wasn’t).
“It has been so long, what brings you here maasi?”
To which she promptly replied "Hi beta, so nice to see you too."
As I was about to ask her the reason for this visit, she continued with her torrent of questions..."Nice place beta, how long has it been since you came home? Why don’t you come? We all miss you so much? Ya right, like I was supposed to believe that.
I realized that it would be improper for me to question her reason for coming here at this point so I decided to play along with her banter.
Maasi: How long have you been staying her beta?
Me: It’s been a couple of years now
"Oh is it, very good , very good." she said I spoke to your parents a couple of days back asking about your health, they said you were unwell for some time. What happened?
“Nothing maasi, some viral fever that' all."
"Oh, you should take care beta, nowadays you never know.”It’s so unsafe to eat outside, so unsafe.
Perhaps the fact that I was unmarried inclined her to think that I was eating out regularly.
"No maasi, I don’t eat outside, I cook at home."
"Oh really, you know how to cook. That's surprising. I thought you would be too busy with your work."
"No, maasi get some time after work to cook.” I retorted.
“You should not cook beta, you must be getting tired with all your work."
What? I was thinking to myself. Who asked her, her views on bachelor cooking?
"It's a very spacious apartment is it not beta?" she quipped.
"Yes, maasi, it is."
"Do you stay here all by yourself?
Yes maasi I have rented this place, and my parents join me once in a while.
But why do you need such a big place beta, you live all alone.
Maasi, I like it here, it’s peaceful.
We spoke for a couple of minutes, or should I say that she spoke most of the time while I politely nodded on with a stuck smile on my face.
She blabbered and blabbered while I was thinking to myself as to the reason of this visit. Soon her voice became a faint sound in the background and I was back to feeling groggy.
Suddenly she said something which made me jump in my seat.
"Beta, so do you have a girl friend?"
"What maasi?" I was not sure that I had heard her correctly
"Girlfriend?"
Now let me tell you readers an importance note before we continue.
Maasis do not speak in this fashion. End of story, they are what we call the epitome of conservative India, where a non marital relationship is a criminal act. To mention about this to these relatives is inviting upon yourself unimaginable wrath. We brothers should know.
Couple of years backs my brother upon a forced visit to one of our kin’s, casually replied to a seemingly innocent enquiry about his current relationship. What followed could have been a right wing fanatical political rally. For the remainder of our meal and our visit, our kin proclaimed the virtuous of the Indian in an increasingly corrupt international scenario which regards to relationships. She thoroughly condemned any premarital relationships however we put it. From the woes of a spoilt young generation to the lost virtuousness which was so prevalent in their younger days, it was as if we have mired the family name in deep rooted scandals. My brother as you can well imagine left the place, pale in the face while I and my other brother were laughing hilariously as this ghastly error.
So now you will understand my absolute shock and surprise when my maasi, a forerunner of tradition and culture so casually mentions about this sensitive topic.
I replied to her that I did not, still wondering where such change sprang from.
"Oh, that’s surprising beta. Such a good looking kid like you."
I smiled preferring to remain silent.”Why maasi" my curiosity prevailed.
"Why what beta" she inquired, by now giving inclinations that no offer for any refreshments were made from my side.
"Any reason why you asked regarding girlfriends maasi"
"Oh no any beta, you know, nowadays boys go to cities which are so modern and meet so many girls you know. So I thought that you must have met someone. Back in our days it wasn’t like this. I met your maasa only couple of days before our wedding. So romantic and so dignified."
If she was here to give me lessons I was not going to take it.
"Oh maasi, do you want some tea, I said changing the subject.
"Yes. Sure." Another quality which keeps them ahead. Never deny free food.
I sprang at the opportunity to get some alone time to consolidate my position. What could be the reason for such odd behavior from a normally very predictable maasi? Nothing was coming to my mind. It was strange behavior indeed. I decided it was time I asked her the reason of her visit as she was not any time soon going to reveal the same. Mass are like this. When they get a victim to hear their them they will not let the opportunity go.
Once the tea was ready, and maasi seemed to be at her vulnerable best, I gently stated
"Maasi so what are you doing in this city maasi."
"Oh, she said, I was visiting some relatives and decided to meet you; it’s been so long beta that we met".
I didn’t buy it. Not possible such concern and sudden affection. There was something going on. I knew it. I could feel it.
Acting like the ever diligent younger relative I said" You should have called me maasi I would have come to your relative's. You had to come so far to see me.
"So sweet beta, its fine. It’s the same thing beta, No problem. You come or I don’t matter."
What!! Was I hearing correct. Normally such misplaced affection would have been impossible. Alarm bells were ringing. I was preparing for an attack.
Couple of minutes passed and she spoke about this and that. I realized it was not going to be easy to extract information from her. Seasoned fighters are they!

After tea while was wondering how long she is going to stay she quipped as if in passing
"Do you know Rekha?"
Thinking that she was into old Indian films I replied of course I do. Great actress and a evergreen personality.
She gave one of her cackling laughs and told me how funny I was.
"What maasi, what did I say? aren't I right?"
"Beta, not Rekha the actress, Im talking of Rekha my grand daughter,"
"What?"
"Rekha beta, you’ve seen her when you were 10."
"No maasi I don’t remember her"
"You should see her beta. She's pretty now. 19 years old and into a good college too. But I don’t want her to study too much you know."
What the hell was I supposed to do? And then it hit me. Hit me hard. I knew what she was here for. I knew what she wanted. I felt like Newton did after seeing the apple fall.
"She is beautiful you know. 5 feet 7 inches, slim, with long hair."
I was certain now. She was here bringing a proposal to marry her grand daughter. I could not believe it.
"Beta, she can cook all Indian dishes you know. She makes very good dosas and idli also."
"Maasi," I tried to say
"She can clean and I have taught her everything”
"Maasi, tell me, what is it maasi" I resigned to my current fate and asked her.
"Beta, you know you are almost 30 now right"
"28 maasi"
"Beta, 28 is very old to be unmarried, in our time we were married at 20 and the men at 22."
"No maasi, 28 is fine. All my friends are still unmarried. Times have changed maasi."
"Arre beta, why do you compare yourselves with your friends?"
"Our family takes care of our own. We plan about our children's future and marriage early"
I knew that. Indian families are notorious for this aspect.
"Maasi, I am not ready right now."
"Kay beta, not ready! Asia naïf hot. You are ready. You have a good job, a house, good family. You are ready beta."
"Maasi, what about emotional readiness.”
"What emotional readiness. You think that I was emotionally ready to marry your maasa. It was not like that. Emotional readiness will come."
Give me a break I thought. It hasn’t yet come into you and there she was speaking about emotional maturity.
I felt I was sitting with a hardened salesman selling me brides on discount. What maasa undergoes, I have a small preview.
Maasi, sensing that I was weakening, suddenly pulled out a photo. As I expected, it was Rekha's picture.
Now matrimonial photography is an industry in India.
Unlike a casual photograph of a family gathering or a vacation, matrimonial photography is like a science passed on from generation to generation in families, they are so prevalent that photographers specialize in this field.
It makes the most ordinary looking groom or bride look even more stupid, in my opinion. But not to maasi.
"Look beta, how pretty she looks."
And there she was. Rekha, attempting to emulate the famous actor by the same name in complete wedding clothes including heavy gold jewellery, which in my opinion makes the bride bulletproof. I was lucky if I could see parts of the actual Rekha, so covered and plastered was she with heavy makeup.
It’s not like I don’t appreciate beauty, I do, check with my friends, but this was the limit. I mean, it almost seemed that she was already married, and what was so hard to swallow was that she was a kid. I mean 19 is not the age girls get married. Or so I thought! Child marriage I thought, and so close to my doorstep!
"Look beta, how pretty she is."
"Maasi!" I exclaimed in despair.
"Maasi, she’s a kid. And I am almost 10 years older to her. "
"So what beta. That doesn’t matter."
"How doesn’t it matter?"
"See when you will be 80 she will be 70 and it won’t seem like a difference."
That was the most unique argument I had ever heard.
"Beta, tell me what her problem is"
"What?"
"Why don’t you like her beta?"
"Maasi it’s not like that. I not that I don’t like her....
"Then you accept that you like her...." she interrupted.
"No maasi. I mean I am not thinking of getting married right now."
"Why beta, I asked you na if you have a girl friend, you said you didnt then what is the issue. Are you afraid of a commitment?”
"What! No maasi. Nothing like this."
Then what is the issue beta; Rekha is so pretty and anyways a woman should stay at home and have children and look after the house."
She seemed to compare a woman to a baby factory. It was weird
"Maasi, times have changed, a woman can go out and also have a career."
"Rubbish, a woman's place is at home. Not anywhere else."
I was wondering why I was sitting there on a pleasant Sunday and having such a conversation with a relative I had not seen in more than 3 years.
I mean, a relative who does not acknowledge my presence for years and then lands up on my doorstep to get her grand daughter married to me is disturbing to say the least.

I decided it was enough. I was going to defend myself now.]
"Maasi, what do you know about me, I mean you haven’t spoken to me in 3 years and now you want me to get married to your grand daughter. How do you how I am?
"Beta, I know your family. They are very respectable."
"But that does not mean I am respectable too right."
"What beta? What do you mean?"
I was going to enjoy this
"Maasi, how do you know that I don’t go out with other girls or that I drink?
"Beta, do you do those things?"
Ha-ha, in my mind I scored a point.
"Maasi, I could be doing those. You don’t even know me then how can you be ready to get your grand daughter married to me."
"Beta bol na, do you drink or go out"
"Maasi, yes I drink occasionally, and I have friends who are girls."
Maasi glared at me with those fanatical eyes.
"Beta, we don’t do these things in the family"
"Maasi, it’s my personal choice, I don’t harm anybody doing it.
"beta your family is a very reputed family. You know when I was young, your relatives helped me build my home in our village and...."
If I didn’t interrupt here, I could expect completion of her monologue by lunchtime, so I did.
"Maasi, what does it matter? My point is you don’t know me also."
Men like me are prime targets for wary relatives on the hunt.
I was one up I thought. Surely she could not return from this.
For a couple of minutes, there followed complete silence.
I used the time to call my parents to ask them if they had any idea regarding my current state.
As expected they didn’t. Maasi had come in from the cold, like a spy, unnoticed and undected.Maasi should have joined an intelligence agency.
"What do I do now?" I asked dad.
"Entertain her for some time and then she will go?"
"Entertain? how? She’s selling me her grand daughter."
"She'll leave soon." I knew she would not." "She'll stay here and get me engaged on phone!"
"Don't be ridiculous" dad said.
"I'll cal you later.
Maasi had in the meantime, gone to the kitchen and put our tea cups in the sink.
"So sad," she said
"Nothing beta, Rekha is such a pretty girl. See, I'll tell her you don’t drink so by the time you get married try to quit ..."
"What Maasi? Who said I was going to get married to her?"
"Fine, I was just checking in case you wanted to...."
It was late morning soon, and a lack of conversation was making things awkward between us. I was not going to, in any scenario going to offer her to lunch. I knew she would jump at the opportunity.
So after gentling breaking it to her that I had to go to work, yes, even on a Sunday, which of course was untrue, I managed to get her to get up at first and after 5 minutes of bantering and good byes, which made me seem as if I was off to the States, she actually left.
Relieved and highly stressed at this episode on this bright Sunday morning. I slid back into bed and this time made sure that my door was locked.
Hence readers, revel in the fact that you have no such relatives in the family. And if you do make sure you are at least countries apart so such sudden and unannounced visits become an impossibility.