to feel again

today i feel
blah,
i suppose
i want to fuck my life up
do something
reckless
and harmful
get drunk,
do drugs,
have crazy wild sex
with people I've never met
something
but as always
I am cautious
and would never do those things,
to dangerous,
too much at risk
and so,
i just,
sit here, unfocused
miserable
and do these
crazy things, in my head, only
sitting, thinking, wishing
i were brave