Fairy Tale Re-Write

Rumpelstiltskin:  The Actual Story of what Actually Happened

(Based on Rumpelstiltskin by the Brothers Grimm)



         Hello.  My name is Rumpelstiltskin.  I know I'm known as 'the dwarf who failed to take the baby.'  No.  First off, I am not a dwarf.  Dwarfs are tiny men with white beards, and pointy caps who sing “Heigh-Ho, Heigh-Ho, it's off to work we go,” while banging rocks and sticking gems over their eyes.  And yes, I guess you could say I didn't achieve my goal, but there is a lot more to tell.  Okay, I'll start now.  I do not live in a cottage in the woods.  I live in the forest.  Where? I'm not telling.  Okay, I'll give you a hint.  It is right by the King's castle.  You know the King, big strong powerful guy who always wants (and gets) his way?  Yeah, that's him. 
         Okay, so I don't really make a living, being all small, you know.  So it turns out, I have a lot of free time.  So I'm going off to look around.  Then, I see a guy with a very pretty girl.  If I hadn't cleaned my contacts the other night, I would've sworn it was the princess.  Well, if they had a princess.  Of course, a little man like myself can't resist following.  So I do.  Oh, but then the King comes in.  Or what I think is the King.  You never can be sure, like that one time I thought he was the King, but it just turned out to be-wait!  What's he doing?  Hmmm, I have to investigate.  I cup my hands over my ears to listen.  She's crying.  But why?  Hmm, I wonder. 
         So, once I can reach the doorknob, I walk in. 
         “Good evening Miller's daughter,” I say.  I take a deep bow, just in case she was the princess.  Well, if they had one.  “Why are you crying?” I ask. 
         The girl looks up.  “Oh!” she cries, “I have to spin this straw into gold by tomorrow, or I shall be killed!” 
         I have to admit, I wasn't really paying attention.  I am really just too busy staring at her necklace.  The good thing is, that the necklace is on the small side, so it would be perfect for me!  Well, not to wear of course. 
         “What will you give me if I do the task for you?” I ask. 
         The girl seems to realize I want her necklace, so she offers it.  I try and act surprised.           “How did you know?”  I ask.  I snatch it up and hurry to the spinning wheel.
         I am very skilled at this.  I remember the first day I went to 'Spinning Straw into Gold' school.  At first, I could only spin straw into hay.  But then, one day I realized I had magical powers and could spin straw into gold!  Yep, I must be really good at this, because in three big motions, all of the straw has now been turned to gold!  Yay!  I do my 'Happy Dance'.  Here, you put your right foot forward, and then your left,-wait, here comes the King!  Or what I think is the King.  He inspects the gold I made.  Finally he is done!  He looks really happy!  And that's partly because of me!  I think.  But he is not satisfied. 
         He finally states that the girl is to be moved to another room.  I follow.  And guess what?  There is more straw.  But here's the good thing.  More straw means more gold I think.  And more gold is spun by me.  I think.  So that means… so that means that there will be more bargains! 
         I sneak right in as I hear the King (or what I think is the King) saying, “If you value your life, all must be spun to gold tonight.” 
         And then the girl starts to cry.  Again.  But, then, me to the rescue! 
         “What will you give me if I spin all of this straw to gold?” I ask.  Now the girl doesn't look like she has anything on her, but a bargain is a bargain! 
         “How about my ring?” she asks. 
         Wow, I didn't realize she even had a ring on!  I shrug and start spinning.  Personally, I don't care about her ring.  What I care about is what the price will be, once the King demands more.  If that guy even is the King.  You never can be sure!  Well, 'Spinning Straw into Gold' school was a big help, because by morning, I've spun all of the straw into gold.  Soon I hear the footsteps.  I hide behind an old barrel of, well, I don't really know.  I can tell the King is overjoyed.  And that is again, partly because of me! But he's still not satisfied. 
         Then the King has the miller's daughter taken into a still larger room full of straw and says, “You must spin this too, in the course of this night.  And if you succeed, you shall be my wife.” 
         This was perfect.  Now she will come calling me for help, and now I will give the biggest price yet.  So I hop up and ask, “What will you give me if I spin this for you again?” 
         The girl looked hopeless.  “I have nothing else to give.” 
         I realize, now would be the perfect chance to state my price.  You see, I have always wanted a kid.  To be looked up as 'Dad' would be totally awesome. “Then promise me, if you are to be Queen, you must give me your first born child,”  I say.
         The girl half-heartedly agrees, and I knew, she would forget someday. But I would always be on the watch.  So I once again spin the straw into gold for her.  And when the King comes up into the room in the morning, all the straw is spun to gold. 
         Because of the beautifully spun gold, the King now takes her as his wife, and the miller's daughter (who was not the princess after all) becomes Queen. 
         Years pass, and I could tell the Queen has forgotten about my bargain.  But I had not.  Then, she brings a child to the world, and now I am certain she had forgotten about me.  Then another year passes, and I can't stand it after that. 
         I walk into the room and I have to admit, I am pretty kind.  I politely remind her about her bargain.  “So, now give me what you promised,” I say firmly. 
         The Queen is shocked to see me, and now I could tell she wasn't very eager to give her child away.  “I'll give you anything you want! All the riches in the world!” she desperately promises, but I keep my ground.
          “I would rather have a newborn child than all the treasures in the world,”  I say.  “You promised.”
         But then the Queen begins to cry.  I sigh.  Girls these days.  Always crying.  Soon I am so annoyed, I decided to give her some slack.  “Fine.  I will give you three days, and if in those three days, you guess my name, I will let you keep the child.”  I knew the Queen would fail, because I have never uttered my name to any living thing alive.  But I knew she was going to try. 
         I spy the castle every night to see what she is going to attempt.  I see a messenger go out to try and search for names.  I almost snort out loud.  “Good luck,” I mutter.  When it is dark outside, I go inside her royal bedchamber to listen to her tries.
         “Is your name John?” 
         “No.” 
         “Dave?” 
         “No.” 
         “Jacob?” 
         “No.”
         The day after that, the Queen searches for even more unusual names, but can't find my true name.  She tries so many, that I know the child would be mine.  It's not like I wanted to steal the child or anything, it's just that the Queen promised, and a promise is a promise, right? And without me, she wouldn't have become Queen anyway! 
         I then think that I should get prepared for the new arrival.  I get my whole place shaped up, and even have the time to decorate it and clean it.  Then I have a little celebration in cooking a campfire with mini marshmallows!  I have the time of my life, and can't wait until tomorrow.  I am so happy that I can't help dancing around and cheering my name.  But what is that?  I turn around.  I just thought I heard a twig snap. Was someone there?  Oh whatever.  I continue dancing and singing.
         The next morning, I am so happy, that I 'zap' myself into the bedchamber, instead of walking straight in.  I sense that the Queen seems awfully pleased when I come in.  I wonder why. She wouldn't be happy if she had to give away her first newborn, would she?  I begin with the whole 'what is my name' question.  Her smile grows wider.  I am really getting annoyed with this big Queen attitude. 
         “Perhaps your name is Charles?” she asks.
         “Try again,” I say gently.  What was the point of being rude?  I don't want to upset her even more.
         “Then perhaps it is Harry?” she asks again.
         “No, sorry,” I say politely.  “Would you like to try again?”
         “Yes, I would,” the Queen says.  “Now perhaps it is Rumpelstiltskin?”
         Her words hit me like a blow.  How would she know?  I never repeated it out loud before- wait.  The twig!  That must have been one her messenger!  And then he must of told her!  Right then, I must of blanked out for a few seconds.  Then I explode.  She promised me a newborn child.  She promised!  And now she gets to live this perfect life as Queen and with her own child. Because of me.  “The Devil told you!” I shout. 
         But she only smiles and makes cooing noises to the child.  “You may go now if you wish Rumpelstiltskin.  And you may visit my child whenever you want,” she says. 
         “What?  Why would I ever go in here again?  To this dreaded place wish you?  Who spun all of the straw for you?  Who helped you avoid death from your husband himself?”  I can tell my words make sense somewhere, but if she felt any sympathy, she didn't show it.  Instead, she called the guards.  I was so angry and hurt I stamped my foot so hard that it dug a hole underground.  I swiftly crawled and crawled until I had enough room to properly 'zap' myself to my hideaway, where I live in shame.


THE END

         
         What?  The End?  That's not The End!  There is much more to tell, so much more.  What am I doing now?  Well, I am not hiding.  I am not helping some far-away girl who got sent into the woods by her evil step-mother who spends all day asking a mirror 'who is the fairest of them all'.  I am now in disguise as a small trader who sells gold.  Gold that I made out of straw.  I only do that half the day.  The other half, I secretly zap myself into the castle to spy on conversations.  The child is grown now.  If only I had taken the child.  What skills the child would master!  I also listen to the Queen tell stories about me.  But it's not her she's telling about.  It's some other 'make-believe' girl who lived in the early years.  It's some other 'fairy tale that she listened to when she was the Princess.'  Huh.  They didn't even have a Princess.  That's probably the edition you listened to.  The one about her fooling some ugly two-foot dwarf who threatened to take her child.
         I didn't even threaten.  She was the one who made the bargain!  Eh, actually that was me. But whatever. 
         I do sometimes take 'revenge'.  Not big time 'revenge.' Like teensy-weensy revenge.  Not bad revenge, good revenge.  Well, I guess revenge isn't good, but whatever.  Like that one time I stole her hair comb and lined it with gold woven from straw.  And that one time dwarfs (real ones) invaded my secret hiding spots, so I sent them to the castle where they start cleaning the whole place and driving everybody nuts.  (She can't even handle seven dwarfs!  Just seven of them!)
         But of course,  that leads to an entirely different story, one that you will hear sometime later on.
          (Sometime later on = when I feel like telling another story.  Which I won't soon.)