My true Love

         Evil can worm its way into any breast. But within each moment we breath there is a choice. I took that choice and corrupted my world, now as tears graced my face I look back upon those moments and pray there is still hope for me. It took a lifetime to see what I had done. Pain followed my heart and drowned all my dreams in fear. What shadow could envelope such a life in complete silence?  I was different, I still am different. How can I change, how can I let another in when my mind still replays the same sour song forever cursing me to silence? Slowly I wake to this thought every day. What is next? What does my heart desire to torture me with today? And then I saw what hell hath made my bed. It was simple, a woman like no other graced my eyes with such beauty I was stunned. You have heard of having your breath stripped from your very breast but I have felt that. Deep within her gaze was something I have been lacking for all my life. A look so intense that it stripped all the shadows from my heart and for once in my life I felt alive. It was at this point in my life that I knew there was still hope for me. I knew it was to be, and for the first time in my life I knew that I deserved Love.



         The Internet is an amazing thing, we can become exactly what we feel within our hearts, or become more then we thought possible. There are so many people out there searching for something to bring life back into their hearts and yet find little hope within words stroked upon keys lost in a world or lies. Yes I mean exactly that lies. For every one that is true a thousand hide behind wall construct of painful memories. Hide behind games casting out all reality in hopes of finding peace in such fantasy. I know this road. I tried to travel it many times. But each time the sting of reality stripped fantasy from my mind. Words dancing within dreams of acceptance, then slowly backing into the shadows of doubt. It took a long while to teach my mind to overcome my shyness and to seek an answer that would guide me to being whole once more. I knew the words, I knew the answers but the questions held firm in my mind, who was I? Where am I to be? Who am I to be? I found comfort in comforting others, as I too was in their place once. Darkness is but a thought that comes to us as we search for answers. I have thought of killing myself at times, taking away the pain and frustration. But it was but a thought that had little weight for I knew there was more to life, there had to be. I was more that what hides amidst these masks. And one day I knew it would live within my heart, soul and within my eyes once more.



         Someone asked me once why I was alone. A flippant answer came back without thought and I stood there in silence. I knew the answer, it was pain. I did not, I could not allow myself to inflict anymore upon anyone. I have loved and been loved. But I did not surrender myself to this joy. I held back. I hide behind my words and feelings were lost to those that needed them most. I was not myself and nor would I ever be. I felt alone everywhere I was. I did not let anyone in deep enough to see the real me. I knew this and with all my heart I held firm. It was not my life that was important it was to allow my sons to live and have more then I would allow myself. Yet I saw how this shadow crept within their hearts as well. Slowly they too held this shadow before their eyes and felt the cold sting of solitude. It was time to change, but was it too late for me? Would all my life be for nothing? I could not allow that to happen. I would Not allow that to happen. So I took my heart and shook it loose from it foundations and allowed but one thought to survive. I am Me. Within this thought I was free to just be. Free at last. Or so I thought. Never would I travel such a rough road! Filled with pitfalls that I never imagined. Lost to a hope yet never to let go of my future. I knew it would be different, I hoped that I would live to see me become who I was meant to be, me.



         Age is a funny thing we travel through life and wonder of what it would belike to live with the knowledge of a 40 year old in a 18 year old body. LMAO! If only we could see what life does to those that follow their hearts. I finally did. I wrote my first poem when I was 13, published in a small journal in a small town. It felt great to caress the words to live my life without seeking truth amidst them. To hide within a prose the secrets I held within my heart. Yet alone I still stood. Quiet and withdrawn. To all life I was but an ant. I knew this in my heart and retreated within castle walls so deep that I knew not the feeling within my heart and slowly became a man without hope. I did not write again for a very long time. Holding within my deepest fears and my deepest desires. It was life bent on survival yet I was not alive. Those close to me saw this and turned away. They knew my curse, and slowly I slipped away from life itself to merely live to see the next day consume my memories. Never to see that life was for me as well as others. Till one day I was alone and tired of life’s joke upon me.



         Tears ran down my face as I laid in my bed. I was looking back toward all that my life cast before me. Broken dreams, fallen heroes and forever in pain. Pain a word that I knew well. After two failed marriages and a lifetime of regret I laid there crying. Searching for the answer of why I had to live such a life. I knew the answer of course. It was me who lived this life. It was me who made these choices. I laid awake nights searching for another answer but nothing came but more darkness, more revelations of my plight. Strange how we live out our lives and only when the shadows strangle all of out hope do we search for answers. But that night I understood my life. Tears no longer flowed. My heart became whole once more, a breath even if but for a moment. I had survived my life. I did not take away my hope for tomorrow. I only cast aside deep within me. True I made mistakes. But I lived through them. I waited for someone who would not come, only to see that it was deep within me that I needed to venture. And deep within I did cast my mind. Walls upon walls, deep within my heart I knew what had to be done. I needed to gaze deep within and accept who I had become. Only then could I find that someone who would love me for me and be freed of all shadows once and for all. Easier said then done by far. But the road I decided to take was this. and go forth I must for where I was could no longer support life.



         It began with a smile. Soft and sweet. Could this lady become my key to a freedom I have only dreamt of? Slowly I tested the waters. Slowly I let myself believe that life could be real and my dreams but a doorway to a better day. Every day I waited in anticipation. Every day I watched for a sign that I was on the right track. She was too perfect. Every thought we had melted within dreams of wonder. I stood there in amazement as words that were bred within my heart pored out of her sweet mouth. Could this be? Someone that shared my thoughts, someone that held the same dreams as I? Slowly I let her into my heart and slowly we became closer. Closer then I had allowed anyone, but still I held back. I was different after all and me all at once could scare her away. So I held back little by little I let go of the old me. I ventured forth with a heightened sense of worth. I could be loved, and could love once more. Day after day I knew who I was and where I was going! Finally freedom! I looked around and saw so many reach out and find only air as they grasped out for something to love. And I found it! A sweet memory basked in hope rolled up within a beauty so perfect I dared to let go and just be me. Maybe that was where I failed. Maybe that is where all my hope died. I was too good to be true. Or that is what her lips trust into my heart. A man that was not a man but a person with feelings and soft remembrances of kindness. No more me then a poster upon a wall to instill a sense of hope to others. To her I became words cast in hope yet no more a man then the words themselves. I was crushed. All hope was but a torture bent on enslaving me once more. It ended in words that cut me to the bone, good bye.



         I swore to always be alone from this point onward. To live my life alone and in perfect harmony with myself. It was the only way. My heart could not stand one more break. Tears no longer flowed. My heart was alone once more and I knew it would be safer this way. I could write of love and live it in words alone. This was to be my life. I accepted this reality and moved forward slowly. Planed of a life of solitude, and when confronted with love I would smile and know that it was not my own that would grace the page. I would not allow others in. I would only seek the comfort of solitude and be grateful that my life was my own once more. Man that sucked! To never feel the touch of another. To never hold close another heart to feel it beat against your chest. To reach out and find a hollow existence comfort you as you trudge through life. God what a pain in the ass I am! So slowly I ventured out once more. Not to find such a love but to heal my heart once more. I have been told that when your heart breaks it stretches out to allow you to grow. I did not want to grow anymore. All I wished for was peace in my life. And for a little while I found it.



         Then once more a smile graced my heart. Sweet memories haunted me as I dreamed of another time. I was not ready for what happened. I was not prepared for something so wonderful as her smile. Hidden within was such beauty yet her pain was felt with every beat of her words. I could not hurt her, I would not allow my curse to scar her heart. I would be her friend and as friends alone we could be. A melody followed our time together, each moment a song whispering. Yet I did not see it happen. I did not feel the first seam break. It was silent but it was there. A tear from her eyes caught me and again I was lost in a world I did not want. We talked for hours each day longer and longer. Talk of this and that. Each moment intertwined with the last. Each day I waited and hoped  for our time to come and saddened by its good byes. Our eyes begging to be freed but our hearts steeled in our lives. Time would kiss our thoughts as we grew closer and closer. A smile blessed my heart at our every meeting. A song sprang upon my words as we talked. And I felt something I thought I would never feel again, hope. For within here eyes a dream began to unfold.  A hope that we could be together. Slowly I believed it true. Slowly I believed that I was worthy of love and our love could set us both free. Silly how life can take away your hope and when you least expect it, it comes back to you.



         Years have past and our lives have intertwined and I Love it! Each day is blessed with a smile from the heart of a beautiful lady and each day I am blessed. I have lost and I have won. But I still wait for the time when I can be free to just be me. It comes from time to time when I am with her. I can let my guard down and be only me. But there is a time that will come when I hold her close and feel her heart beat, then I will know what it is like to be truly alive. My heart races as I come closer to this union. Wondering what to say, wondering what to do. I know what is right and in my heart it is her alone that holds me to my course. I may never find peace within solitude, but in her presence I have felt it. Life may through every obstacle to prevent my happiness, but I know what to do to overcome them. All I do is close my eyes and see her smile then all is good once more. I have lived a full life. But until now I did not know what true love really was. Until now I did not feel love. Now I know where I belong. Now I know who I am. I am finally free to be me and for once in my life I will follow my heart to her arms.