The Night She Found Her Way Home

She was dreaming something pleasant.

She was dreaming that she was in this warm, safe, comfortable place and she felt – surprisingly – serene and calm… She knew it was just a dream because such a place didn’t exist in her life, or rather, she could no longer find that place in her life. It felt good and she wished she could just keep on dreaming – to hold on to that serenity and calmness of where she was – and not go back to the chaos and raging fire which defines her and her whole life.

But the incessant beeping of – something – prompted her to shift in her position and away from that peaceful, comfortable place. And she instantly felt cold.  Thankfully, the persistent beeping sound stopped and something – someone – pulled her back to that sweet warmth and then she no longer felt cold.

But to her annoyance, the beeping sound started again and was getting to be too annoying to be ignored. Groggily, she opened her eyes.

And woke up to a chest. A man’s tanned and muscular chest.

She blinked several times but the chest didn’t disappear.

Where am I?

As she slowly regained consciousness, she began to notice other things too – like how a leg was thrown over her hip, of how she liked that male scent invading her nostrils, and of how that safe, comfortable place in her dream turned out to be this man’s embrace. And of how the whole situation felt just right.

But then, she noticed the most important thing – she was naked. And the man was naked.

In an instant, memories of the previous night’s events came flooding back into her mind one after another – and she felt the blood slowly creep up to her face as she remembered what happened.

Oh my God… I knew I should have worn my chastity belt! Or brought my butcher knife!

And she felt her face get even hotter when she realized another thing that she almost groaned out loud. Wincing in dismay, she fought the urge to just bury her face in that chest and suffocate herself in the process.

Calm down and count to ten, girl. Before you start hyperventilating again!

Well her dismay wasn’t really because she’s disgusted over what happened, unlike in her distant past whenever she gets into this kind of… situations. Her embarrassment was more on the issue of modesty, because, oh geez, this was the first time they had gone out together on a real date, for goodness sake! And she wasn’t even that drunk!

You just landed on his bed on your first real date… Ohhhh sshhhiiiittt…

Sure, she really liked him even way before, had been attracted to him, had flirted atrociously with him… However, she considered those flirtations as “innocent” or “meaningless” or just plain “playfulness” – the way she had always been. Something she never really took seriously and never really considered to have a follow through. As it is, landing on his bed was never part of the agenda when they went out last night.

Good thing the persistent sound, which turned out to be her ringing celphone, saved her from feeling more embarrassed over her recently “lost virtue.”

Oh yeah, a ringing phone would normally entail somebody answering it, right?

Pulling away, she groggily looked for her bag beside the bed and fumbled for her phone. Her elder sister’s name blinked on the caller ID.  “Hello?”

“Hey,” she heard her sister’s terse voice. “Sis asked me to keep on ringing you up to check if you are still alive and not in the morgue somewhere. She told me you went out last night to meet with a friend, and that you’re supposed to sleep at her place afterwards. But apparently, she told me you never came home. And that you did not even call or text to say where you would be. She’s furious and worried.” She could hear the irritation in her sister’s voice. “Just where were you and where the heck are you right now, anyway?”

She looked at her surroundings. Cringing inwardly, she wondered right then and there just how her middle sister would react if she told her the truth. “Um, in my apartment?” she suggested helpfully.

The doubt in her voice made her elder sister pause for a second, as if contemplating whether it would be better just to believe her kid sister rather than consider the other alternative. Not really knowing what to say, her sister sighed. “Geez, whatever. You’re old enough to handle your own life. Just – just tell sister that you’re still alive and breathing, ok?” to which she responded “ok” in a small, contrite voice before ending the call.

She suddenly didn’t know what to do next.

All right, now, for the next problem – your escape plan. Seven-thirty…  I guess I can already go…

But when she glanced at the half-asleep half-awake man on the bed next to her, she suddenly felt a rush of tenderness – much to her surprise – that when he reached for her, she didn’t protest and just let herself be held and be engulfed by the sweetness of that embrace. And to her shock, she realized she still wanted to stay a little while longer.

But she didn’t really want to overstay and abuse her welcome as she’s quite aware that he still had loads of things to do for the rest of the day. She, on the other hand, had better start thinking of going back to the reality of her problems at work and think of a good peace offering to her overprotective sister. So after murmuring something about taking a shower and preparing to leave, she gave him a quick, playful kiss, wrapped the blanket around her to fight the chill caused by the air conditioner and made way towards the bathroom.

Three things came into her mind as soon as she hit the shower. One, good thing that her nephew complained the previous day that her legs felt “itchy,” which compelled her to shave her legs. Two, she wondered if he noticed the allergies on her back. And three, she sure hoped to God that she didn’t snore. 

And then she started to notice other things too. Things that were different from her usual behavior and attitude. For one, she never spends the night nor sleeps with any of her partners. She had always hated “The Morning Afters” and had come to dread the awkward gestures, those dead silences… of not knowing what to do to or say to each other… So to avoid undergoing the excruciating pain of an awkward morning, she had come to learn to deliver with eloquence the speech, “I had a great time, but as it is, I really must go now” no matter how late it was or how impractical it was to leave at the moment. At the same time, she had mastered the art of “fleeing with grace” within the hour that those “carnal desires” had been satiated. 

Then she also noticed that she did not feel that overwhelming urge to jump out of the bed and simply run to the other direction when she finally shook off her disorientation and, alas, recognized where she was. There weren’t any traces of that urge to simply scream, “Aaarrgggh! Erase! Erase!” now that she had gathered her wits and could vividly recall the things they did the previous night.

And to her surprise again, there weren’t any of those awkward silences this time at all … She still liked to tease him mercilessly and her wise cracks didn’t fall flat at all. She was still affectionate and sweet when normally, she would have had erected those impenetrable brick walls around her.  But she still liked to be touched and be held and did not pull away and become all “businessy.”

Lastly, she was still comfortable and uninhibited with him. And it was actually for that reasons why she was instantly drawn to him in the first place. She didn’t feel threatened to feel that need to hold back with the things she say or the way she act with him.  Right from the moment she first met him, she immediately recognized this kindred soul and felt right at ease with him. That little by little, she began to lose her inhibitions and just be herself.

She always had this tendency to “overflow,” as her mother liked to call it. Something she had also recognized to be one of her greatest faults. Be it with her beliefs, her attitude towards work, the ventures she goes into, or her interactions with people – she tend to do everything in excess. And that tendency to “overflow” always gets her into trouble, especially with her relationships with men. There were times when she tend to overwhelm them and scare them away saying that she’s just darn too strong. Other times, her displays of genuine “like” for a person gets misconstrued for something much more than they actually was for her. That most often than not, her relationships with them end up with her feeling betrayed when they cross the line or them hating her for apparently “leading them on.” But as time wore on and after a lot of self-blame, she had learned to restrain herself whenever she gets that overwhelming urge to “overflow,” and thus, resort to putting people at an arm’s length.

But somehow with him, she felt that it’s ok – that it’s ok not to hold back. That it would be safe. That her intensity would not burn him.

Though she really didn’t know anything more than he wanted to tell her with regard to himself, she had kinda accepted and respected that. Mainly because she had already grown to like the person inside the shell – this kindred soul – and it was enough for her. He would tell her what he wanted to tell her at his own time, she kinda felt that.

Oh, she had experienced enough to recognize that he didn’t love her nor did she love him – as it is, she’s wise enough to know that something like love is a decision to make. And that decision to love her, or she to love him, was just something that both of them cannot give considering the “facts” in their lives. But she knew and felt that he genuinely liked and respected her, and that he felt this deep affection for her. And she, in turn, reciprocated those respect and affection.

And she’s realistic enough to accept that what happened between them did not necessarily mean that it was already a beginning of something. She’s realistic enough to understand that this might actually even be the end of the line. As it is, life had already taught her long ago that endings are more certain than beginnings. She had learned to accept this with grace and, thus, learned to appreciate those fleeting worthwhile moments that gets thrown into the maze of which she calls “Her Life.” 

And this was one of those fleeting, worthwhile moments – those meaningful events worthy to hold in her memory. As to what this event meant to her she still couldn’t quite grasp nor understand at that point.

“And now, it’s time for me to plan my escape route,” she said to him as he watched her in amusement carefully put on her clothes. Sitting down on the bed to face him, she gave in to the urge to touch his face as she playfully said, “So I guess my stiletto heels didn’t really work to protect my virtue, did it?” 

She heard him give a hearty laugh.

“My sister’s kinda angry with me because I did not tell her that I won’t be spending the night at her place when I told her last night that I would. She’s kind of pissed because I made her worry,” she explained, and she just had to give an amused smile when he made those series of dramatic “Oh no’s.” 

“Well, I didn’t know it either that I wouldn’t be spending the night there,” she continued and pretended to glare at him. “That plan to sleep there was actually a ‘safety measure’ so I wouldn’t end up where I am right now, d’ya know that?” She shrugged in mock nonchalance. “Oh well, I guess my ‘safety measure’ didn’t work because I’m here. Right now. With you. Next time I go out on a date, remind to bring my butcher knives with me. They might be more effective.”

They both laughed.

And one moment she was getting ready to leave, the next minute, she just found the clothes she had carefully put on a while back being discarded haphazardly as they made love for the last time that morning. And with all the pent-up passion there was.

She sighed in contentment after it was over, amidst the silly banters, the inside jokes, and those playful exchanges between them. And as she drew lines on his chest, she was once again amazed as to how peaceful she felt at that moment. As if the raging emotions that always threaten to overflow from her to wreak havoc had finally been tempered and absorbed by the right person.

Though she knew that it was just for this moment, that tomorrow they’ll be back to their respective lives, what they shared for that short time was enough to soothe her wandering soul. And though she knew that come the next day, they would have to live their separate lives – and that those lives did not really include either one of them taking part on the other… 

…That tomorrow, her soul would once again wander from one man to the next, close yet unreachable… and he to his women…
…That tomorrow, they would go back to their prison cells in order to achieve their goals…
…And that after some time, this would eventually just be deduced into being a distant, sweet memory…

She didn’t regret it happened.

And should he wander into her path once again, she knew that she would still welcome him with the same openness she gave him the very first time they met.

And when she looked into his eyes after that one last kiss… she smiled up to him with what she felt to be one of her most beautiful smiles when she finally realized what this night meant for her.

It was the night when, after such a long time, she had found her way home.