A record of slow, painful descent into depression that almost cost me me life. |
“Satori” By Mark Hospes “Unless we agree to suffer we cannot be free from suffering” -D.T. Suzuki The vomit gurgles in my throat I cough; it spews from the mouth, Flowing down my face, wetting my shirt A distant, pleading voice yells my name I don’t care, I’m in the Darkness In the Dark, there is peace The bile flame exstinguished, Depression lifts, Anxiety fades An armistice in my head ends the Battle Now, I’m being pulled; Erect, something attempts lighten my Dark Paradise No! I want to stay! The Dark is kind! Now, I’m falling, Their attempt failing, I feel a collision of my head into the immovable Pain explodes, but I don’t care I’m here in the Protection of the Dark I’m slumping, my being goes limp Far away, another desperate plea to come back, Come back to the Light But, there will be no return, Darkness had faded to Black II “My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?” -Matthew 27:46 Groggy, I struggle to open my eyes My arm doesn’t want to respond! An obstruction ceasing my bodily command! Emerging from the Dark, My brain reboots to function Towing me back to the Light Vision too blurry, reality out of focus Instinct draws attention to the restriction The obstruction, a clear tube, strapping me in The voice, returning, hailing me back Blinking, I witness the suffering eyes of My Wife Knowing I am not Home, but a strange, cold place Tied to a bed, refrained from movement Why? I long for my Darkness, so serene, The War had ceased! Awareness ends the cease-fire! The battle cry begins to rise, the enemies prepare, For Battle! Voices of distortion on the assault, Voices of me! Fear overrides and my eyes return To My Darkness III “Nothing can bring you peace, but yourself.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson I’m floating in a dream of memory, Home, paint, laughter, ornaments, Children, my Children? They are all here, Becky, Bailey, Jacob, Dylan, Aaron More laughing, paint and Christmas music Putting a beer to my lips, relishing the goodness I yearn to laugh at their sides! Laughter is an impossibility, during The War, Raging, always, in my head, a brawl for power It consumes the day, a brawl for sanity Distorted thoughts my nemesis; Plaguing, Stalking, Swirling, Attacking! They demolish the Good, this vicious rebellion! Please! Not Tonight! Let peace ensue; assume the Crown for a night! I wish to laugh, be a part of the revelry! My Thoughts are slipping! Distortions! Depression! Anxiety! Worthlessness! No! Please! I beg you, not Tonight! Sipping more brew, I swallow some pills, Drugs and booze my allies against Them A sickness begins to rise, I must seek shelter Allow my Allies to join the battle, so I may return To my family, my Children, my Soul! Lying in bed, comfort, slowly relaxing Enter, my Darkness, come, I feel the peace, tranquil, placid The war abruptly halts, The vomit gurgles in my throat IV “….at the bottom of the abyss comes the voice of salvation The black moment is the moment when the real message of transformation is going to come. At the darkest moment comes the light.” -Joseph Campbell Thrust back into the Light Hearing voices, but understanding failing Sweet timber of my Wife, speaking, an Unknown replies Conversing of me? Why? How? My eyelids release The Dark and open The Light Confusion returning, chains still present I look, they look; Bloodshot eyes of my Wife The other, a stranger; Warden? Doctor? Devil? Addressing me in a slurring, foreign tongue Blankly, I stare back, mumble useless words Like emerging from the dense fog of a nightmare Comprehension conquers the confusion The pills! The drink! My Allies! I’ve been betrayed! The cure evolves to a Scourge! My Allies nearly extinguished my Breadth! V “There is no coming to consciousness without pain.” -Carl Jung Sitting in the tub Warm water spews from the spout, I gape at it with wonder Sounds of the falling liquid comforts me, If I continue to stare, the War recedes Feeling of Sanctuary wrapping me in a blanket Smiling, if only such a place! Wait! A spark in my abdomen surges to my brain, So intense, I lower my head, close my eyes Comforting water flows around me, Assisting the travelling Notion of Intuition A Sanctuary! A crusade is raging and I must enlist to fight! If Distortions be the Arch-enemy, Can Knowledge be my Ally? Pit Mental Anguish versus Mental Wisdom! Draft Sages to a New Beginning Information! Knowledge! Hope! Battle my Demons on their turf Find Guidance and Truth, Refine it to Wisdom! VI “Knowing others is wisdom, knowing yourself is Enlightenment.” -Lao Tzu Done, am I, bending to Their Will I thought Them right, but was misled They continue to Assault my mind, Attempt to invade my Peace, Destroy my goodness Years upon years My Quest has been Relieved only in Drugs and Alcohol as Allies Like band-aids on an axe wound, Now, I refuse to remain a bystander, A Victim For in a tub, dreaming with the water The origin and escalation of a Mental War unfolded, Re-aligning myself with the most powerful Allies in time Lessons, history, research in my own present, Words and Thoughts of The Sages The Reconstruction of a Broken Spirit, Breathing Hope and Life into my Soul We can end The War, Achieving a Freedom I never knew Inner peace, Inner Light My Thoughts are My Own! My Sanity is Mine! I choose Love! I choose Life! |