To Have Loved and Lost

I hold it true, whate'er befall
I feel it when I sorrow most
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all."
Alfred Lord Tennyson, 1850

She jumped. She heard her name, almost as a whisper over the deafening roar of the lake. To the lookers-on, it seemed to be as vast and uncontrollable as the ocean, and seeing the other side was scarcely possible. She felt the water pushing against her, bringing her down. She never thought that it would end like this. Her life would be snatched away in the blink of an eye, and no one knew she was here. She thought maybe someone would know. But everyone that would have known was gone now. At least they were gone to her. It was funny, though, that here at the end, she was the closest she had ever come to true love. Her love was unconditional and out-of-control. It ruled her every emotion and thought. And he was never to know.

"All right, now I'm going to divide the class into pairs so we can help each other with the assignment. Please raise your hand if you believe that you do require help," Mrs. Flitwick spoke to the buzzing classroom. The dear woman had always been a matchmaker to the core. To have Mrs. Flitwick as a teacher was considered a blessing to many, and a curse to few. Needless to say, pairing up students was one of her favorite hobbies. Many girls giggled and looked around as they decided whether to raise their hands or not. "Okay, there's no time to waste. Let me see here, Chelsea and Daniel, Marcus and Katie..." her voice grew quieter and Chelsea froze in her seat, unable to hear any others. She threw a pleading glance in Mrs. Flitwick's direction but was only returned with a wink. She was stuck. Why couldn't Daniel be stuck with one of the girls falling all over him, , she could but only wonder. He certainly didn't have math homework in mind when he raised his hand. With a body throbbing with dread, she gathered up her books and kneeled down beside his desk. She did her best to look uncomfortable. He smiled at her, but she chose instead to look down and quickly scan over his work. She was going to pretend with everything in her that was the only reason she was here.
"You seem to be doing fine," she said honestly. She could easily have said 'good' or 'well' but chose not to. Chelsea hoped in vain that she would be able to go back to her seat right then. He had other plans.
"Oh no! I'm not doing fine at all!" he exclaimed, faking shock. She couldn't help but laugh. She couldn't pretend not to understand why other girls liked him. She just didn't want to be one of them. She inwardly kicked herself. He smiled at her again, more widely this time. She half-smiled back. She didn't want to be rude. That was when she first noticed the shade of murky blue in his eyes.
He broke the silence by clearing his throat and looking again at the assignment. "I didn't get the right answer for number five," he said.
She breathed a sigh of relief. It would be easy to explain even though it was quite a long problem. She never thought he wasn't smart. She just never realized how smart. She might be mistaken, but there was a lot of theology that went into choosing that problem for help. It wasn't hard, but not easy enough where she would have thought him dumb for missing it. It was the longest on the page, which would keep her at his desk the longest. And it did require explaining, which would require the most interaction. He was very, very good. If he really was smart enough to think all that through.
He noticed her uncomfortably shifting her legs and stood up very quickly. "Oh, I'm so sorry. I'll pull you up another desk."
"Oh, that's really not neces-" she began, but he had already turned around. He lifted up an empty desk that was behind him and adjoined it to his. His muscles flexed as he easily picked up the desk with one had and set it down again. She would have had to drag over that desk awkwardly with both hands. That could have been part of his plan, too. Now this, she would have a harder time trying to ignore. She pulled out a piece of paper and copied down the problem. As she explained each step of the problem verbally, he nodded his head, asserting that he understood. She wasn't easily fooled and doubted that he had looked down at her paper once. She never felt his gaze leave her burning face. Their legs touched under the desk, but she chose to leave it. There was definitely more to him than she originally thought. She was trying wiith all her might to be repulsed by him, but there was nothing. She hated feeling like all the other girls. This is where her mind dwelt as she continued to do the work. She was left-handed, and he was right-handed, so their hands were touching, too, before very long. It wasn't awkward for her, which confused her even more.
"Wow, that was a lot easier than I thought," he said softly, almost in a laugh.
"So, we're done then?" she inquired. She wondered why her heart felt sad at that sentence.
"Well, there's really no point in you going back to your desk," he said, giving her the same smile as the beginning. "Unless you want to get a front-row seat for Marcus's attempts to teach Pre-Calculus to Katie." She couldn't help but laugh. She hadn't had a chance to look over there yet.
"I definitely think that it's much safer over here." she agreed, eyeing Katie's glaring eyes and Marcus's dreadful pleas. Daniel and Chelsea looked around the room at the other couples. He made jokes, and she laughed and made some of her own. By the time the bell rang, she scarcely knew where the time had gone. And was that just her imagination or did Daniel smile at Mrs. Flitwick? And was there something in her eye or did Mrs. Flitwick wink and smile back?

She laid on her bed, completely still, with her eyes open. The bed was comfortable and familiar. The rest of her room, her house and her new city were all still foreign to her. Her room was completely silent except for the ticking clock. She had been rushed around the past few weeks. All the good-byes and all the tears blurred together in her memory, but now it was just her and the silence. She was alone now. The next chapter of her life was about to begin. It was sure to be full of adventure. She wasn't quite sure how it was supposed to start.
Her silence was disrupted by her mother coming up the stairs. "Chelsea," she heaved, lugging a large box into her room. "The Therman family, our new neighbors, have been so kind as to invite us over for dinner tonight. Try to wear something nice, they have a boy about your age. Don't groan, you can judge him as much as you want after you meet him." Her mother left, and she was left to stare at the ceiling once more. She was inwardly quite excited but had already trained herself not to get her hopes up about this place and the people in it. A friend in her new school would be very helpful. She calmed her mind and began searching for an outfit in the pile of boxes.

She came downstairs feeling secure enough about her appearance. From the looks of it, their parents had hit it off, which was definitely a good sign. Her parents were nice enough, but didn't truly like many people upon first impression. She walked along the sidewalk nervously with her parents. Nothing she told herself would calm her beating heart. She could feel goosebumps along her legs and wrapped her sweater more tightly around her. They rang the doorbell and were enthusiastically greeted by a couple that reminded her exactly of her parents, as she expected they would. She tried her best not to seem too eager, but her eyes glanced frantically around the room, searching for the mysterious boy. Thoughts swirled around her head. Maybe she was mistaken. Maybe she had heard wrong. Maybe...
"Marcus?" she heard Mrs. Therman call up the stairs. "The Carver's are here!"
As her heart raced, she heard footsteps coming down the stairs. She breathed out deeply and tried to disguise what she thought and felt. The first thing she noticed about him was how tall he was. Her heart leapt. That was one of the things she wanted the most. She was five feet and nine inches, and he was at least a head taller than her. Her first worry was crossed off of her list. He walked quickly down the stairs while tucking in his button-down shirt. The next thing she noticed was his startling blue eyes. She felt like they could see into the very depths of her soul. He made eye contact with her. She held his gaze for a moment, then looked away. She could feel her face turning red. This wasn't how she wanted this to go. Every bone and muscle in his face was perfect. He smiled and talked casually with his parents and her own. She joined in the conversations through dinner as much as she could. Getting to know this boy could turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to her. He was very respectful