The Greater Grater

1700 words



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The Greater Grater







Mark Smith sat in his kitchen, trying to listen to the birds singing in his back garden. His wife, Alison, stood behind him, complaining about not having her cheese grater. Her voice drowned out the birds. Mark huffed and turned to face her.

“If it makes you happy, I’ll go out and buy you a new grater!”

“Look,” Alison replied, “my grater is the best grater and is the only grater that can grate cheese in the way that it does.”

“How about if I go out and don’t come back until I have a bigger, better cheese grater?”

“Fine, but if it’s not better then you’re out of this house for good.”

Mark was quite shocked at how much a cheese grater meant to his wife, he was beginning to regret making the offer to get her a new one.

Five days had passed since Mark had left the house and there was not a single grater that was better than the one Alison had lost. A tall African man, with a long cane, walked up to Mark and spoke to him in a low, deep voice.

“I have followed your feeble quest to find The Ultimate Cheese Grater. I also know that your wife thought she had the ultimate grating device, but she was wrong. There is one grater more powerful than the one you bought from ‘Amazon.co.uk’, though there is one problem.”

Despite being confused about who this man was, Mark nonetheless replied, “What’s the problem?”

“The problem is one so great; it takes one of supreme physical strength and an agile mind. They are characteristics I am afraid you somewhat lack.”

“For your information I do have all that you just said… and more!”

“Though I doubt that you understand what measures you will need to go through to get this grater, I will still journey with you on your quest to… find The Ultimate Cheese Grater!” This man was extremely enthusiastic about a mere cheese grater. “My name is Kaas. We have an epic quest for the greater grater to complete. Hold on!” Kaas grabbed Mark firmly on the shoulder as the ground beneath them melted away and they were both sucked down into the hole that had formed.

After a couple of seconds, they both appeared at the foot of a mountain. A castle made from blue cheese stood proud at the top of it.

“That is where The Ultimate Cheese Grater is kept. It is guarded by ferocious, mystical beings,” Kaas proclaimed.

“You are aware that ‘mystical beings’ don’t exist, aren’t you?”

“You are aware that you’re not at home?”

Mark fainted and Kaas picked up the limp body and started up the mountain at a fast pace despite the weight. The stone crumbled under his feet and Kaas eventually had to put Mark down. The moment his body touched the ground Mark got up.

“Thanks for that. If you thought I was going to climb that part of the mountain you were wrong.”

“Get up you lazy…” The ground rumbled and rocks started to fall down the mountain. A tremendous roar came from their left.

“Don’t move a muscle,” Kaas whispered, though the moment he had opened his mouth Mark was already running, screaming down the mountain. “You coward!” Kaas called down after him. Mark kept on running but promptly turned around and ran back up the mountain when a humungous dragon landed in front of him. He’d only managed to run a few metres up the mountain when another dragon landed in front of him. He was surrounded by creatures he never thought existed in a place he’d never been to, with a man he’d never seen before now, all because his wife had lost a cheese grater.

Kaas rolled his eyes and sprinted towards the dragons, spinning his cane as he went. The cane spun so fast it produced an immense wind that was so powerful one of dragons flew away. Mark ran towards Kaas, shouting thanks as he did.

“I told you not move!” Kaas yelled over the wind and roaring dragon. The dragon that had flown away had come back wearing what could only be described as a woolly hat and a coat.

“Now I need a photo of that!” announced Mark. He got his phone out and took a photo. Mark was pleased that he had a phone with built in flash as it stunned the dragons and they both fell over making massive holes in the ground when they did.

“What is that weapon you behold?” Kaas asked.

“It’s a mobile phone with flash.” The two of them headed up the mountain with Kaas querying Mark about his mobile.

After an hour of walking up the mountain they stopped to sit down and rest. Little did they know that behind a massive boulder something was brewing, something that could stop them from getting what they so desired.



“In goes breast of chicken black,

Add to that some wine so white,

In goes onion to add some slack,

Bring to heat and leave in sight,

Then when the time is right,

Remove from heat and then attack!” The witch finished her rhyme and raised her hand. Thunder struck the ground next to her and another witch appeared. After a while a mini whirlwind appeared and that brought with it yet another witch. The three witches gathered around the cauldron,

“Is it ready?” The second witch asked.

“Is it done?” The third one added.

“It will be completed in two minutes. But I do not want our casserole ruined by trespassers,” The first witch replied.

“Well, let us see to those who come.”

“Let us finish what they begun.”

“We will eat, after our fun!”

The three witches cackled and vanished in a puff of smoke.

Mark felt a chill run down his spine and looked towards Kaas. He too felt uncomfortable.

“Don’t make a sound,” Kaas muttered to Mark under his breath. Mark nodded and sat silently waiting for the chill to go away. They sat there for what seemed like hours, though in reality it was only thirty seconds. A ringing noise came from Marks pocket; Kaas looked at him with upmost annoyance. Suddenly, three wisps of black smoke swirled violently into existence forming three women.

“Witches!” Kaas yelled.

Mark wanted to run away, but from his experience with the dragons he thought it best to stay with Kaas. Though when he looked around, Kaas was the one running up the mountain,

“Mark, what are you doing, you’re going to get yourself killed!”

Mark didn’t need telling twice and started running up the hill as fast as his legs would carry him. The witches turned into wisps of smoke and appeared in front of them both. Mark got his phone out and tried to stun them. That plan didn’t work; it just annoyed the witches. Kaas grabbed onto Mark and spun his cane above his head, lifting them both off the ground in a helicopter fashion. Mark’s shoe fell off and landed on one of the witch’s heads, who in turn fell and rolled down the mountain, bowling over her fellow witches. Mark and Kaas flew up to the castle and landed in front of the gates. Kaas aimed his cane at the gates with both hands, and a thin stream of powerful water shot out the end and forced the cheesy gates open. The castle stank of… well, cheese.

“We need to get into the Great Grater Room,” Kaas said with authority. He was pointing at a door which was reinforced with crackers and extra cheese.

“Use your magical cane thing and get those doors open!” Mark ordered.

“My cane will not work inside this cheesy wonder.”

“So how are we going to get in?”

“Follow me.” Kaas headed towards the door, put his hand on the door handle, and pushed.



The Cheesy Skunk sensed that someone was entering the Great Grater Room and prepared itself for a fight. The door creaked open and the skunk could hear voices.

“How was I supposed to know the door would just open?”

“I told you that your mind was not agile right from the start, you didn’t have to come!”

Perfect, the skunk thought, just what he needed – bickering intruders. The skunk lifted his tail and waited for a moment to strike.



Mark and Kaas walked over to a cheese board perched on top of a pedestal. Upon the board was a golden grater—The Ultimate Cheese Grater. Kaas pointed to the floor,

“What?” Mark asked.

“Look closer.”

“The room is pitch black. The only light is pointing at the grater and not doing anything to help me see.”

“Hold your nose and run to the grater when I say go… GO!”

Mark ran to the grater with his hand clenching his nose. He tripped. He fell. He let go of his nose. The Cheesy Skunk let rip. Kaas leapt between Mark and the smell. Mark got up as Kaas fell down. He reached for the grater and ran back to Kaas. Kaas grabbed Mark and made the floor beneath him melt. Mark fell through the hole and appeared back on the street where Kaas had first met him. Kaas however had not gone through the hole with him, and Mark had a horrible feeling that Kaas hadn’t made it.

Mark arrived back home holding the grater that had been the cause of all the events of that had occurred. Alison entered the kitchen with a grin that spanned her entire face. Mark started,

“Guess what I’ve got?” he asked. “The Ultimate Cheese Grater!”

Alison chuckled, “Guess what I found whilst you were out? My cheese grater!”





Background to why I wrote this piece ▼

This piece was written at by me on a special day at school. We had a school day (6hrs, including lunch and breaks) to write a story of any genre. On the day we were given an object to base the story upon and that object turned out to be a cheese grater! 4 years took part and I managed to win the year 10 award. In total this story was actually written in just over 4 hours and had no pre planning before hand. There have since been a few edits, but nothing major. Hope you enjoy!