"The Quiet One".

You may think you know me, but the truth is nobody really knows me. I try to be myself… But it never works. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I never know what I want, I never know what I need, I never know anything. I think I know, but never for certain. Everything’s always up in the air, I try to catch it when it comes back down, but that doesn’t always happen all the time. Sometimes it falls, and I’m lost, stuck, having no idea what I’m suppose to do. But I try to hold myself together, I try to hold myself together for everyone else. They’re the only reason that I act as sane as I do. Because inside I’m so lost. I have no idea why, but I am. It feels like I’m a fish, a fish out of water, It’s like I can barely breath sometimes. I don’t think that anyone understands. I don’t think that anyone knows what it feels like. What it feels like to be terribly alone. But I get by. I get through it. Just because I know that I have to. Because it’s never going to go any other way. The only way I can get passed it, is to deal with it. I’ve done stupid things just to get passed it. Stupid, stupid things. Things that nobody would ever do. Things that people would find appalling. But I had to do it. I had to. Otherwise I would have just wasted away. Sometimes I just think that I’m going to wake up and everything’s going to change, and I’ll be like everyone else. But I'm doubting that that’s ever going to happen. I guess this was just the way it was suppose to be. I was suppose to be that person.. Just wasting away.. Thinking that something good is going to happen, but it never does. Don’t get me wrong I’m thankful for everything, everything that anyone has ever given me, everything that anyone has ever done for me. Just sometimes I feel like I’m not doing enough for myself. Like I should be doing more, because that’s how it feels. Like there’s something more. I just haven’t reached far enough to grab it. I try, don’t get me wrong, I try so hard. But it never works. I never reach far enough. Sometimes I get pretty close, but never right there. Always a smudge off. It’s something that I would like more than anything… but I’m too scared to get it. I’m a coward, I try but never hard enough. Do I have no courage at all? I wish that I could have it. I wish so much. But I know that wishing isn’t enough. If I want it, I have to try. If I want it, I have to have courage. If I want it, I can have it. But.. Do I actually want it bad enough to have enough courage? To have enough strength? I guess that lies in my own hands… Until then I’ll still be known as “The Quiet One”.