The Conductor

The conductor walked onto the stage in surgical garb; the stage lights glistening off of his latex gloves. He faced the tuxedo clad audience and gave a bow. A welcoming applause quickly embraced the medical maestro causing a slight grin under his surgical mask as he turned and faced his orchestra. He lightly tapped his scalpel against the tray before him and the surgeons and ballet nurses assumed their proper positions. Their instruments were now fully anesthetized in a subtle cloud of ether.

The conductor opened the book before him titled “Opera-tion No. 5 in E Minor.” He then started an I.V. and let the dripping act as a metronome. Thus it began with the string section. They slowly drew up the suture lines and the friction against the skin let out a nice soft note. Then, in the middle of that note, the nurse drew up another suture, and another until a full chorus of harmony rang throughout the auditorium. The nurses stopped each string at a different height allowing one note to ring in fermata. The instrument raised his arms and began to play his sutures like a harp. His thumbs lightly touched each string with such a precision that even left some of the doctor’s mouths wide in amazement (or they were inhaling the ether on accident.)

With a movement of the hand the conductor summoned the air instruments in. The ladies raised crutches up to their lips and placed their fingers over the adjustment notches and began supporting the melody. The operating lights came on, illuminating the whole ensemble. The percussion section began hitting I.V. stands with orthopedic hammers. They moved the clamps up and down the stand to change the pitch. They then hit them against an instruments stomach skin that was stretched tight as a drum while the nurses opened their mouths allowing it to project better.

The bass notes were played with umbilical cords stretched like a washtub bass, with a bedpan instead of an actual washtub. The string section pulled out their violin bows which had been modified with amputation saw blades. They started to rub the blade against their instruments fibula, it’s sound scraping against the air and reflecting off walls. A woman in the audience faints at the mere enjoyment the single note brings.

The tempo speeds up, and the music gets louder, reaching a crescendo. A stethoscope is placed against a large man’s chest, and it’s beat is amplified through the P.A. system. The babies hanging from the afore mentioned umbilical cords were finally brought into use as the nurses spanked them causing a chorus of singing from them, the spanks each in time with the rising tempo. Blood shot out of the instruments like a water show. The conductor’s scalpel waved frantically in the air as he embodied the energy of the music he was leading. All of the instruments played together in a loud finale, leaving a loud ringing in the audience member’s ears. The audience was breathless for several seconds after the amazing performance they had just seen. When they caught their breathe they all stood and applauded with more energy than the music they had just heard. The doctors, nurses, and instruments stood and took a bow (the instruments making sure their intestines didn’t spill as they did so.) The newspapers the next morning had phrases like “the show was a knock out” and “the show left you in need of an oxygen mask.” The conductor read with a smile knowing they his music had given life.