The LIGHT

I always wondered what my thoughts-possibly final thoughts would be in this situation. Would I be frightened? Would I relive my life in a flash? Would I think about all those I love? It just happened so fast…I am certain this is the end. I mean, I was stabbed so many times that I lost count. I really wasn’t counting but I do remember the first, second, third and then? I must have blacked out for a moment. Now I just need to think about other more important things, I think? Who will take care of my family? Who will….? I guess I need to think of this in a different light. Do I have life insurance? Yes I do, it is through my employer.  It’s not much but I will be buried and I will likely get one of those generic grave markers. Saying nothing about me other than when I got here and when I left and the name my parents gave. Wow! That’s what this kid did to me for walking through his neighborhood at the wrong time. He knows nothing about me and likely, while spending the rest of his life in prison never giving my life a second thought. Maybe he will; I could see the distress in his eyes after he thrust his angry dagger in my gut that final time. We had this fatal last stare at each other. It seemed to last much longer than the brief moment that it consumed. I had blocked out most of the screams of his friends to flee. I can still hear pounding of his footsteps running away. There is someone new hovering over me but I am too weak to look at them. They are screaming at me to hang on but they obviously never felt this weak and feeble. I feel powerless, as if it is not up to me to hang on. It’s not my choice to live or die today but some other more divine power deciding my fate.

I can feel the blood trickling down my side and off my shoulders. The blade must have gone all the way through my torso to my back. I can’t feel the pain of my wounds but somehow I can still feel the heat of the pavement on my face.  If this is the end why can I not see that proverbial bright light; does this mean I am not going to Heaven? Should I be praying now? What should I pray for, oh my God, do I deserve to go to Heaven? Will He know that I have spent my life questioning His existence? Will He know the things I have done wrong in my life? Why did this disturbed little punk do this to me? Why me? Why am I lying here fighting for my life? I am not ready for this-I have things to do tomorrow. I don’t want to die today. Damn it, I want my life back! I wish I could just relive the last ten minutes. I would walk past this street and onto the next. I would be at the bar by now, where my friends are waiting for me. It was an awful idea coming this way. I can hear the squealing of the ambulance coming near. In the movies I would be out of my body by now looking around at the gruesome scene. But here I lay, not fearing for my life but conflicting with my eternal existence. Why can’t I find my way? Now I am realizing this is the extent of our time, the time from our birth until the dreaded day we can no longer live is all we get. I would have valued my time much more had I known. I would have…well; I would have done more of the things I wanted. I would not have sat on the couch for hours today. I would have had breakfast; I love breakfast. I am having a very hard time breathing now. The paramedics flipped me over on my back. They female choked on her words when she saw my guts on the sidewalk. They are yelling out all of these stats and medical terms. One of them just said it’s hopeless. Why is he saying it’s hopeless…I have hope…please…please have hope…don’t give up on me… yet!

Wait… is that? Yes! I…I see the LIGHT!