Coffee

I could do this.

It was day one of my self-imposed exile from caffeinated beverages. My doctor felt that caffeine was contributing factor of my frequent headaches.    “Headache” was an incorrect term;  “Head Excruciating Agony” was better. 

“But I can have decaf, right?” I had asked Dr. Mader optimistically.

“Unfortunately, decaffeinated coffee can have the same effects, due to the chemicals used in the decaffeination process,” he'd responded.

So, today was day one of Operation No Caffeine. 

Coffee, nectar to my veins, the fuel that gave me reason to live.  Coffee was my morning reward for dragging myself out of bed in the morning, and my comfort food to get me through the day.  But I could do this.  I hadn't had one cup yet today.

Unfortunately, I still had to get out of bed.  I groaned, feeling my tired, sludgy body begging for just one cup.  I promised myself that if I just got out of bed, I would try a cup of the “Mr. Elmer's All-Natural Non-Caffeinated Coffee-Free Chicory Beverage” I had purchased.  I rolled off the bed, and headed to the kitchen.

Impatiently, I paced while the coffee pot brewed my new drink of choice, all the while silently thanking Mr. Elmer.. The second it was close to being done, I yanked out the carafe and poured myself an enormous mug, ignoring the hissing drips.  I peered closely at it.  It looked like coffee.  Yes!

I quickly raised the mug to my lips, smiled, and took a huge gulp.  The hot liquid burned my throat as I swallowed.

“Blehhhhhhhh!” I gagged.  Disgusting!  It tasted like weak, burnt mud with a very slight hint of very imitation chemical coffee flavoring....the kind coffee-flavored chapstick would have.

“Damn you, Mr. Elmer!” I gasped.

It was a testimony to my state of mind that I drank the whole cup anyway.

Maybe my morning shower would help me ignore my coffee pot, which seemed to be reaching to me with invisible hands: Dump out this Mr. Elmer's crap and let's brew a real cup!

I could faintly hear Sesame Street coming through the thin walls of the apartment.  I relaxed slightly and smiled as I heard little Sarah singing along with Cookie monster in her squeaky voice... “C is for coffee, that's good enough for me, COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE starts with C!”

Arghhh!!  What the hell was that!?!

Forget the shower.  It was nearly time to go to work, anyway.  I threw on my clothes, ran a brush through my hair, and sprinted down to my car.  The tires screeched as I stomped the gas and took off.

In the quiet of the car, it seemed a little bit easier.  My stomach growled suddenly, and I remembered I'd had no breakfast.  I pulled into a McDonald's.

The first thing I saw was the sign screaming at me, “MONDAY SPECIAL, CAPPUCCINOS HALF PRICE!!!”  Damn.  I steadfastly kept my head turned the other way and drove into the drive-thru.

A voice crackled at me, “Hello, welcome to McDonald's.  Would you like to try one of our new Ultra-Chocolate Double Cappuccinos for half-price today?”

Was I in my own private hell? “Uh...” my voice cracked. “Um, just a danish, please.”

“Would you like to add a cup of our fresh-ground coffee to that?”

“NO!” I yelled.

There was a brief silence.  “Okay, if that completes your order please pull to the next window.”

I pulled up and threw my money at the poor girl, who looked at me with bewildered eyes.  I tried breathing slowly and deeply.....the smell.

Oh, my God.  I could ignore the signs and the words, but I couldn't ignore the smell of that fresh coffee.  Ignoring the fact that I'd already paid, I slammed my foot down on the accelerator and escaped the scene of my torment.  Forget breakfast.

No one else at work drank coffee; if I could just get there, I'd be safe.  I was nearly there....almost.....

And finally, I was there.  I sighed in relief.  I parked my car in the lot and headed for the front door.

Then I saw her.  The sadisitic, smiling face, quietly standing in a cloud of that heady scent.  I was drawn like a magnet.

“Hello, Ma'am, would you like to make a donation to the Chess Club Awareness Society?  We help to guide young minds to the noble art of one of the world's finest games, Chess.  And you're welcome to a free donut and coffee, of course.”  She beamed at me angelically, hiding well the evil demon she must be.

I was shaking.  I could do this, I could do this.....

No, I could not do this!

“Coffee, NOW!”  I screeched.  She looked at me, startled.  “Uh, certainly Ma'am...” She turned slowly to the pot of coffee, and reached toward a cup.  The tantalizing aroma of fresh-ground coffee was now attacking me brutally.  “Hurry up!” I barked.  She froze and looked at me.  “Oh, for God's sake!” I leapt over the counter, grabbed a foam cup, and hurriedly sloshed some in from the insulated pot.  This was an extreme emergency, no time for such niceties as sugar and cream.

Ah..... the hot liquid burned my throat as the Mr. Elmer's had, but this time it was followed by the strong bite of fresh roasted perfection. 

It was the divine taste of heaven  I drained the cup, and a second.

Finally, I could think clearly again.  “Um, sorry about that,” I smiled at the woman, who'd turned pale and was inconspicuously reaching for her cell phone.  911, no doubt.  I gave her a ten-dollar bill.  “Good luck with the young minds.”  I began whistling as I walked away.

Oh, well, I could always try again tomorrow.