Commonwealth Games, Delhi -style!

[PTI/UNI, Wednesday Aug 18, New Delhi] After weeks of being in the news for all the wrong reasons, the Organizing Committee of the Commonwealth Games 2010 has sprung a pleasant surprise on the Indian public by announcing that three new and uniquely Indian sports events will be introduced during the Games beginning October 3rd in New Delhi.

“We are confident that these new events will appeal to all the participating nations,” said CWG Chairman Suresh Kalmadi at a hastily convened press conference late on Tuesday outside the Jawaharlal Nehru Stadium. “And we hope that they will reinforce India’s bid to host the 2033 Olympics in New Delhi...especially because only India, and New Delhi in particular, can offer the unique socio-psycho-cultural environment in which these events can be staged to maximum effect.”

The new sporting events are broadly modeled on existing World Athletics or Olympic Games events; but with some interesting variations. “These new events are rooted in the ground realities of New Delhi!” declared M S Gill, Union Minister for Sports and Cultural Affairs. “In fact, they are structured to make use of the natural hurdles faced by the Delhi citizen each day... and hence will strike an instant chord with the Indian masses as well as global audiences.”

Take the aptly named Spittle Chase©, for instance. Like the traditional Steeple Chase, the Spittle Chase© is a gruelling 3000 meter race; but with a few vital differences. In the Steeple Chase, each runner is required to run a total of seven laps round the stadium during which he/she jumps over 28 ‘barriers’ (each barrier being a standard three-foot hurdle) and executes seven ‘water jumps’ (each water jump being a leap over a 3.3 meter-wide pit of water). The Spittle Chase© will not be held in any stadium; instead, it will be run on a 3000 metre stretch along the arterial Vikas Marg, from New Delhi’s Laxmi Nagar to the ITO crossing. Furthermore, in the Spittle Chase©, each of the 28 barriers will consist of a 3.3-metre high mound of construction material left in the middle of the road by agencies like Municipal Corporation of Delhi and Public Works Department. To add to the excitement, 28 Blueline buses will hurtle up and down the road; each bus will be filled with expert zarda paan chewers who will take potshots – rather, spittleshots – at the passing runners, who must weave and twist while running past in order to escape being hit by the scarlet and fluid barrage. In order to make scoring easier and more accurate, the runners are required to wear spotless white tracksuits during the Spittle Chase©. There is another appealing twist: instead of jumping over mere pits of water, the Spittle Chase© runner must leap over seven pits filled with sewage in the middle of the road (each pit being a result of the road caving in after being undermined by leaking sewage pipes) without being run over by the Blueline buses. 

Another sports event that will make its debut in CWG 2010 is the Slipped Discus Throw© - a brainchild of Mr Khokapati Ganguly, Coordinator-Consultant of the Organizing Committee and reportedly a close associate of Mr Kalmadi. “We have shortlisted two venues for this challenging event out of several hundred likely venues,” said a beaming Mr Ganguly. “One is the passageway along the prestigious Inner Circle of Connaught Place, and the other is the sidewalk bordering the posh South Extension Market. The Slipped Discus Throw© is a night event – the first ever in the history of the Commonwealth games, indeed even the Olympics! The format of the event is very simple. Contestants are required to walk 400 meters along the sidewalk, under normal illumination from streetlights and shop-fronts, without stumbling over uneven tiles and throwing their backs out, or tripping over blocks of masonry and tangles of steel wire and breaking their necks. The contestants will wear luminescent tracksuits to enable the judges to score their performances!”

Mr Ganguly added that the CWG Organizing Committee has placed orders for 30,000 luminescent suits for the Slipped Discus Throw© from Watt Akon Inc., Alice Springs, Australia at a bargain price of Aus.$ 2600 each. When a reporter asked why 30,000 suits have been ordered when only 12 contestants are expected to participate in this event, Mr Kalmadi angrily replied that the CWG Organizing Committee is taking a long-term holistic view and making preparations for the Commonwealth Games that India will host in the next fifteen centuries.

Perhaps most exciting for spectators will be the unique women’s event named Great Indian Grope Trick. In this event, women contestants clad in athlete’s uniforms will have to sprint approximately 1600 metres along the passageways of Connaught Place while evading the groping fingers (and assorted other digits, appendages, protruberances and tools) of the thousands of hangers-on, touts, and affiliated riffraff who frequent this most famous landmark of India’s capital. For scoring purposes, the gropers will be provided with buckets of indelible dye in which to dip their fingers (and any other tools they may wish to deploy). “Our Hon. Sports Mantriji Mr Gill-sahib, who was once Chief Election Commissioner, has used his good offices to arrange for supply of 312,000 liters of indelible dye from the Election Commission of India,” gushed Mr Kalmadi.  “Truly, this will be a Track & Feel event with a difference,” responded an emotional Mr Gill. “I guarantee it will leave an indelible impression on each of the participants; it will touch every sportswoman in the world to the hearts of their bottoms.”

Jai Hind!