I am just not made for Marriage

I am a 56 year old divorcee. I have recently started trying to figure out why all my marriages have failed and why I am so unhappy in my own skin. Someone recently asked me if I was hard to live with or a bitch? I of course said "NO" I just made bad choices in life". But now I am trying to remember. Four failed marriages has to mean something dosent it? I am sure I was far from perfect. If I were perfect my first husband would not have been abusive or if I were perfect my second would not have cheated on me or if I were perfect my third would not have chosen a Harley over a wife and a home. And if I was perfect, and not gullable I would not have fallen for someone that was able to destroy my self confidence make me question myself and be afraid of even meeting someone new out of fear of being used or hurt or abused mentally or physically.

I know I am not the "social butterfly" type or the life of the party type. I am rather boring. I like being home. I enjoy being with or visiting family and friends, I know I used to laugh, I know I used to look forward to everyday and the newness of it. I remember having self confedence and alot of it. Now I really want to find me again. The old me the happy me. I just don't remember what makes me happy anymore! I know the obvious things like my grandsons and my son and daughter. But I have been changed into someone elses idea of what I should like that now I cant remember me. I can not name a favorite food, or my favorite place to go? I used to enjoy dancing, but my body has stopped that. I hate being alone and feel alone even in a room full of people. I miss the touch of a man but can't remember the last time I felt happy with one. I let others influence me and I don't know why I need the approval of others to do what I want at this age.

My first marriage began on May 5,1973 We were both young when we married I was seventeen and he was not much older then me. we were young and dumb! I will not go into details about our marriage but he has since found god and a wonderful wife of about 25 years now and has been reborn into a decent human being. I got pregnant and had my Daughter in 1974. and ended after 4 years. I do not regret marring him even now because of the gift of my daughter Bridget. I can even talk to him and his wife, we even went to Disney World with him and his wife when Bridget graduated from High School.

I stayed single for ten years. I dated a few times but, my world was my daughter. I worked several jobs back then but it was hard to get by with a young daughter so I moved back home with my parents. After about a year I found a better job and things started looking up.

My 2nd Marriage: I was working a part-time job at Woolworth's as a cashier and one day a handsome guy came in and started flirting with me. He worked as a landscaper at the mall I worked in and everyday after that he would come by the window and wave to me or make faces at me through the window of the store to make me laugh. I remember the first time he asked me out, I was at the register cutting the covers off the old books that did not sell to ready them for the trash and all of the sudden a cold, wet snowy glove hit me in the back. I jumped and let out a sound of shock from the snow going down the back of my dress. He laughed so hard. I picked up the glove and threw it back at him and it hit him on his arm. He said "you hurt my pride" and I said " Oh' I thought I hit you in the arm! He asked me to dinner for the next night. I guess he liked my sense of humor. We dated for a few years and broke up. I moved in with a friend from work and ended up getting back with him after a while. We ended up getting married in July of 1982? I got pregnant and had my son in 1984. Our marriage ended on our 6th wedding anniversary. Even now after 20 years he holds a grudge with me. He cheated on me and is still seeing the woman but hates me. Go figure. I do not hold grudges. I have tried to get him to come over for dinner at my sons house in the past but he will not budge. I do not understand people who cant forgive or forget especially when they were the one who caused the problems. My second marriage lasted until just before our sixth wedding anniversary, we actually filed for divorce on our 6th anniversary.

I met my 3rd husband two years later at a night club in Chicago while I was on a blind date with a horrible man. He was my night in shining armor, he saved me. We started dating a week after we first met on valentines day. I remember our first time of being intimate and he was just staring at me and when I asked him what he was looking at he said "my future" He won me over that night. We lived together for five years before we married on June 19, 1993. We had a wonderful life together. We had everything in common and we never fought about anything. He always said we needed to fight it was not normal, but I told him I had fought with my exes for so long I did not need it anymore. So we did not. He raised my son as his own. And still to this day my son talks to him every chance he gets. I like that. After 13 years of marriage he decided he wanted a different life style. He wanted the bikers life. I hate motorcycles and never wanted to hold him back from his dreams. We ended the marriage in June 2004 as friends and still are friends to this day. He was and always will be my best friend ever. We were together for seventeen years. He is still the one I consider my soul mate. If I were given a choice to remarry one of my ex's he would be the one without hesitation. I love him dearly even today.

I decided to get my own apartment for the first time in my life. Living alone was the biggest thing I had ever done for me. I needed to find me. I lived there for almost two years when I met my current husband. (See my Surprise Wedding.)

I really did not want to get married again, I knew that me and marriage did not mix well. He was young and I was 16 years his elder. But he was very persistent. We met at the Moose Lodge. Introduced by my parents. That should have been the second warning because the first warning was the Moose Lodge. I do not drink and I have no patience for drunks. But I fell for him. He was so romantic and loving and everyone just loved him. Seven months later on May 2, 2006, we were married. We now have been married for 4 years. The past two years have been rough, we started fighting all the time. He became very self indulgent and selfish. He also started drinking so much more. I knew there was problems in our marriage but he would never admit it. In February of this year my husband decided he wanted to be an American Citizen, he is from Canada and he is an Native American Indian. I did not think anything of it and backed him up all the way.
Meanwhile, my son and his family were having problems in Chicago. They had moved there when my youngest grandson was 2 months old. I have always wanted him to move back here and my husband knew this.

My husband started calling him and trying to convince him to move back here. This went on for almost a year. I admit I wanted it to happen to. My husband really started pushing the moving in with us and helping them make a new start here. Finally he called my son and told him he could get him a job here too. My son agreed and well their here now. My son, his common law wife and my two grandsons, oh and their dog too. The plan was that they would move here with us and once he started working we would all find a bigger house and share the bills. In this day and age we all need to help each other especially family. Everything seemed fine. I love having them here and getting to see my grandsons daily is the greatest gift I ever had. To move here my son had to get rid of just about everything they owned.

After about a month of my family living here my husband received his letter saying he was being sworn in as a citizen on August 16th 2010. On August 17th he told me he wanted a divorce. He says its just a coincidence. He says he can't live this way and wants me to get rid of my son and his family. Put them out on the street to fen for themselves. Well I would never do that to my family for anyone or anything even if I were miserable I would not do such a thing and I know he knew that. It was just an excuse for wanting out of our marriage. I believe he used me to get his citizenship. He has become so angry and hateful with me. I walk on eggshells daily. If the kids make noise laughing he's mad, If they cry he's mad, if they play with toys he's mad. My daughter-in-law likes to cook and that's even worse for him because he is the only one allowed to cook or so he thinks. He said to me that he would not be responsible for cooking for the family all the time before they got here, so I saw nothing wrong with her cooking dinners a few nights a week but not him. He just hates everything about the arrangement.

He is another one that holds grudges with people. His Dad did him wrong several times over his life and he will not forgive him. Then his brother friended his ex girlfriend on face book and now he will not speak to him either. Says he will never speak to him again. He broke off friendship with my parents after an argument 2 years ago and he still will not forgive them. If I had known then how unforgiving and how easily he can just throw family and friends out of his life I would have never married him in the first place. I am a very family oriented person. I forgive and forget all people for the wrongs they have done me. I may stay mad for a week or so but never could I stay mad forever.

He is still here in the house with us making everyone miserable, but he says he will not leave until I find a job so I can support myself. He has a big heart for some things and I really appreciate his waiting and not getting me evicted for lack of money to pay the rent but It is becoming more stressful to me then living in my car would be. I asked him if he would want to try and get a bigger place to if it made him feel better and we could try to mend our marriage. He said if we did things together again he would try. We started going out and had a great time but as soon as we would come home he would start talking about getting divorced and how he hated family. I have officially given up on mending this marriage. He will never accept my family and I will never accept that. We can end this as friends if he leaves soon. My 4th marriage is ending in 2010. I vow to never marry again. I feel renewed knowing I will not have to walk on eggshells in my own home once he is gone and my kids and grandkids can be themselves and not feel unwelcome in the home that is theirs as well.

On October 8, 2010 my husband moved out of the house and moved in with one of his friends. Within two weeks I was handed the divorce papers while being told how much he still loved me. I filled out my parts of the Self-Service Divorce papers and went to him for his part of the work. He told me again how much he still loved me and that he would bring the papers to the courthouse on Friday. He ended up giving our divorce papers to his roomate to go file for him! I was completley appauled by this gesture. I told him I would do it but he sent a man who barely speaks the english language to do something so personal. I am still numb from this gesture. He is giving me $200 a month to help with the bills since I do not have a job yet, but has told me it is only until the lease is out here in March 2011, then it stops. I would love to be able to tell him to shove the money but I really need it. When he moved out he said he would pay for my cell phone, but gave me so much grief about it I took my number and went on my own, a bill I did not need but I needed peace more. He was also paying for our car insurance and also started giving me grief about that and every time he was angry he would threaten to have my policy cancelled so I took charge and had my vehicle moved to my own policy. The problems will not stop until I am clear of him completely and I can't do that until I find a job.

On December 9, 2010 my divorce became final. That same evening he asked if I would start dating him? I did not know what to say to him for fear of making him angry. Two days later he asked if I had room in my bed for him and again I was stumped for words so I just laughed it off and found a way to get off the phone. Today he told me he finally figured out that I was over him and he now knew our relationship was just business. I can't believe he is being like this I wanted to stay friendly but with him it's all or nothing. We can't be friends unless I sleep with him and agree to date him but he still wants me to leave or throw out my son and grandchildren. I do not want to date anyone. I need to find myself again. I am really starting to hate men.

So I find myself suddenly single again. I hate being single but I am a disaster at being married. My sister thinks I need to get out and start looking for a "new man". I don't think I want one. I want to have fun and go out dancing, but I do not want to have someone in my life telling me how to live or how to act or how to cut or not cut my hair anymore. I am 55 years old now and I will probably die alone now but that is a choice I alone will make. Maybe I can get to know myself and work on the relationship that needs the most work, me!

January 11, 2010:

Well I guess I can finally free myself from my last husband. I got tired of being blamed for his leaving and divorcing me so I stopped the phone calls. The last call to him was New Years Eve. I called to wish him a Happy New Year and all I got back was he was mad at me for my choices. My choices are you kidding me! He left me and he filed for a divorce and now he won't even give me the money he promised me to pay the rent on the apartment his name is on. I give up. I can just write this one off to ignorance is bliss and leave it alone. I can now officially start my life over. This time there will be no more marriages in it.