The Test

  It was hot. I squinted my eyes and looked up the busy Southern California street waiting for the bus. I looked down at my worn-out black shoes. This was my fifteenth job interview in three months. Economic recovery, yeah right. I felt a drop of sweat glide down my thigh and mee the silken material of my slip. Thank God. I was wearing a cotten skirt, and it would be disgusting to have a sweat mark for the interview. There are a few people around me, and when I first began using the bus this would have intimidated me. Now, I just avoid eye contact and make sure my cellphone and wallet are at the bottom of my purse. Not that any one of those things were worth much anymore. My cell phone was cracked, and my bill was overdue...again. My wallet is as empty as the day I bought it. Well, it does have a bus pass in it. The little hairs on my neck began to prickle at attention, and I felt someone watching me. I glanced around, but didn't see anyone but a bleached blonde with bags under eyes. Unfortunately, I was now used to seeing women becoming wraiths because of drugs.

  Bus Thirteen came up to the bus stop, and I inhaled the usual fumes that accompany the illustrious California Public Transportation Vehicles. Everyone shifted around me, and I got behind a high school kid that looks like he belongs in a T.I. music video. Once, I was on the bus an older African American lady sat next to me. Correction: sat on me because she really needs two seats. We looked at each other and nodded. Wordlessly we had communicated: while on this bus we have each others' backs.

  I looked down at the classifieds section from the newspaper I held in my hands. Petersburg Diamonds in the mall was hiring, and that was where I was headed. I had circled the add with a pencil, I couldn't afford a red pen. I wondered how many other people would be showing up at the jewelry store. Probably everyone on this bus. It is so depressing. Just two months ago I was studying the lyrics of Ovid and Virgil, and now I was trying to compete with busloads of people for a minimum wage job. I exhaled. Positive vibes. Yeah, it is not depressing. Once I become a successful career person I will look back on this time and say, "Without that time I wouldn't be who I am." Today is the day everything is going to change. I will get this job, put some money away for graduate school, and then go back to study renaissiance literature. Yes. Today my life is going to change.

    The bus coughed up to the mall and I nodded again to my bus buddy as I got up. I am ready. I brought copies of my resume, references, and sucked on a breath mint. The little hairs on my neck pricked again, and I turned around. I can't shake that feeling. Someone is watching me. I can't see them but someone is definately around watching me. Goosebumps invaded my whole body and panic was quickly overwhelming me. No, positive vibes. If you can't see anyone then noone is there. Don't sabatoge your interview.

  In an hour I was back at the bus stop. "We'll give you a call within the week." I'd heard that before. Petersburg Diamonds was not going to hire me. The fact that I kept looking over my shoulder during the interview had not escaped my attention, but no matter how hard I tried to not look behind me I couldn't help it. If I had been at Sodom and Gamorah I would definately been turned into salt. Well, I don't think I want to go home just yet. Naw, I'll go to the food court and maybe grab a soda. A pity soda.

  The great thing about mall food courts during the day is that there is hardly anyone there. I grabbed a soda and took out the classified from my purse. I exhaled and decided to start looking again. Desperation had set in about two months ago. Pretty much all my bills are overdue and my electricity had already been shut off once. I badly needed something and fast. My neck began doing the creepy thing again and, in annoyance, I looked up. And there he was.

  He was immaculately dressed. A retrograde black suit and tie, with a starched white shirt; and he was standing right in front of me. His eyes were the deepest darkest eyes I have ever seen, and in them were the secrets of men and women.

"Hello," he said, and I noticed a faint European accent.

"Hello," I said.

There was a pause. I had no idea what he wanted and something about him pulled me towards him while at the same time putting me on edge.

"I'm sorry," he said, "I noticed you earlier and wondered if I might take up some of your time?"

"Alright," I said and gestured towards the chair opposite me. He remained standing.

"I am in a position to offer you a rather lucrative proposal." He smiled.

"What kind of proposal?" It was intriguing and definately attractive. But, what exactly would he want and why would he be in a mall to get it?

"Well, it is rather sensitive, I'm afraid."

"I am not accepting then. Thank you." I said dismissing him. I watched Dateline, and I did not want to end up at some truck stop offering my body up for a few dollars.

  He surprised me and took the seat in front of me, "I am rather interested in your qualifications."

"I would be more than happy to share them with you if you would tell me what kind of 'proposal' you had in mind."

The man looked around the food court and I realized that only people in the court were the workers at the Ben'N'Jerry's about fifty yards away.

"I am in a position to offer you one million dollars in exchange for a sensitive service.”

“How sensitive?” I asked. I was thoroughly intrigued. One million dollars!

“To a certain demographic our reputations would be permanently damaged. Of course, these people do not understand the true nature of the service.”

This man’s double –talk was beginning to grate on my nerves. “Please just tell me what it is you want and I’ll tell you whether you need to look somewhere else.”

“You would sleep with me.”

Shock. I was being propositioned. Something like this had never happened to me before, and I never really thought something like this ever would. I was taking it surprisingly well, if I do say so myself. I hadn’t screamed or slapped anyone. I was offended though.

“I can see from your silence this was not what you expected to hear.” He said nonchalantly.

“Is there something about me that made you believe I would accept this proposal?”  I asked.

“If you are asking whether you resemble a prostitute the answer is no. I would not have made the offer. I am a man of refined tastes. Please take that as a complement.”

“A complement.” I repeated after him, “What is it that made you make the offer to me?”

“That is the question I expected you would ask first. But, before I answer that I would like to say something. Your first reaction, while not expected, is not surprising. The demographic I referred to earlier holds similar sentiments. A woman’s virtue is her only true asset, and of course the act of intimacy is exactly that-intimate. I do not agree with this really. I mean without this and perhaps, proposals like mine you and I would not be here. Every world religion holds this in high regard, as they should I believe, however they do not hold it accurately. The chief end of every animal, man or beast, is production and the act itself is sacred in that without it we cease to exist.”

“So you want me to have your kid?” I asked

“O no,” He smiled, “And you mean child. A kid is a baby lamb. Anyway, I do not understand the offensiveness of the offer. Should you not be complemented that I see you as a viable mate?”

I just stared

“Well, I guess you do need time to think everything over. I will be here tomorrow at this same time. O and please keep this quiet. Like I said not many understand as you and I do.” With that he got up and turned to leave.

“What is your name?” I asked.

“Let us not get hung up on things as trivial as names.”

“Then I reject your offer.” I said smugly

“Fine. Gaderel.” Gaderel smiled and dropped a business card on the table and left.

          I got home and exhaled. What a weird day. I went to the refrigerator and opened it. No light went on. I stuck my hand in and it wasn’t cold. I ran to the nearest light switch and flipped it up. Nothing happened. I looked down at my cell phone and saw a missed call from the electric company. Great. My electricity had been cut off again. The time was seven o’clock and so I would need to wait until tomorrow morning to get something worked out. I grabbed a cooler that I used to use for fraternity barbeques and walked to the nearest gas station to buy ice.

That night, by candlelight, I lay in my bathtub thinking. Part of me was outraged. Why would I even be considering the offer? No amount of money is worth selling yourself for! Sure, the electricity was out and I would eventually be evicted. I was a person of convictions and morals. Yet, there was another part of me that reasoned. What is the big deal? It’s just sex and I’d only have to do it once and then I could get everything fixed and even get to graduate school. I mean, it is not like I couldn’t get married in the future just because I’d already slept with someone. This was a modern age! Yeah, the other part chirped in, a modern age of disease. What if this guy had HIV or AIDS? What if he made the offer again what would you do? How can you refuse him if you’ve already done it once? Relax. The other side of my head said, he seemed gentlemanly enough. He probably would just leave you alone. And you can ask him tomorrow to get a physical done.

Perhaps, I should sleep on it. Sleep is a luxury my head said. You won’t have it for long if you don’t find a job. After I got dressed in my nightclothes I lay awake. Tomorrow morning I’ll look at the paper again and go to more interviews then meet with Gaderel.

The next morning I waited for the bus again, and my bus buddy from yesterday caught my eye. We both nodded.  I smoothed out my skirt for another interview. As bus thirteen coughed up to the curb I saw a figure against the sun and dust. The little hairs on my neck told me who it was. I looked to my buddy and nodded to her and she boarded the bus.

“Gaderel,” I said “How did you know I was here?”

“Until you say otherwise I make it my business to know where you are. Have you considered my offer?”

“A little but I was hoping to have more time.”

“My I take you to breakfast?”

“Breakfast won’t make me accept your offer.”

“I hope not. Consider it a business breakfast from a potential employer.”

“No, thank you. I was hoping to go to some more interviews before meeting with you.” I said and made for the bus.

“Please. Perhaps, I can answer any questions you have.” Gaderel put a hand on my arm. I looked to the bus driver who was waiting for me. I nodded and turned around and felt the bus cough away. Somehow I felt abandoned as the bus left without me. Something has changed and nothing will be as it was.

Gaderel picked a coffee shop tucked away from the  Starbucks, ensuring that we wouldn’t be seen by anyone prominent. The waitress took note of Gaderel the moment we enter the place, and I wondered if I refused if he would “make an offer” to her. I snorted. Yeah, I should just reject the offer. I mean if these are the thoughts I will be thinking about myself. The waitress ignored me as she led us to a booth in the back next to a window.

“I gave you my name. But, you have not given me yours.” Gaderel said opening his menu. His eyes met mine and I could tell that he wasn’t here to eat pancakes.

“Miranda” I said. I don’t know why but I told him my real name. If I was smart I would have given him a fake name.

“Miranda. It suits you, I think.”

“How would you know?” I asked. The waitress came to our table for our orders and Gaderel never took his eyes from me while he ordered his vegetable omelet and fresh fruit.

“And for you, miss?” the waitress asked.

“Coffee, please.”

“That is all?” Gaderel asked, “Please eat something. You are thin as it is.”

“Hashbrowns. Thank you.” I said. I was in no mood for him to badger me.

“So, is this the treatment you give all your girls?” I asked

“I do not know what you are referring to.” Gaderel said, unblinkingly

“Yes, you do.” I countered

“I do not have girls.”

“Then what do you have.”

“Nothing of importance.”

“I thought you said you would answer my questions.”

“Pertaining to our business.”

“These questions do concern our business.”

“I see.” He said, but not a muscle in his body relaxed, “I do not do this, ever. You would be my first.”

“First ever?” I asked. Intriguing. A rich and somewhat handsome man buying sex

“No,” he smiled, “First like this. But, while we are on it would I be your first?”

“Yes,” I said. I am a virgin and not ashamed.

“No blush. How different you are. It seems women admit that with either pride or shame. You give neither.”

“Is this where you start asking me about my parents?”

“Why? do you want to talk about them?”

“Not especially.”

“Why is that?”

“Conversations about sex rarely intermingle with the topic of parents.”

“That is interesting. For without your parents having sex you would not be here. But, why do you not want to talk about them? Do you not like them?”

“It is the other way around.” I answered. For some reason this conversation was a no holds kind of thing. I was admitting things about my family I hadn’t admitted to myself.

“They don’t like you?”

“They don’t trust me”

“Should I trust you if your parents don’t?” Gaderel asked staring straight into my eyes.

With that single question he had cornered me. I had avoided relationships, getting a pet, or anything of value because I didn’t think I was trustworthy. I didn’t know if anyone could trust me if they couldn’t.

“I don’t know.” I answered.

“Well.” Gaderel said leaning back in the booth and breaking eye contact. I looked down at my hands desperately wished I could know what he would do next.

“Back to our business. Is there any questions you have for me?”

“Yes. Do you have any diseases?”

Gaderel smiled triumphantly. “I’m not saying I accept. I just want to know.” I added quickly.

“No. No diseases. Truth be told I’ve only made love to one woman. You would be my second. And no, I don’t want sex with you. I want everything.”

“And you pay for making love? Like it’s a job or something.”

“Ironic really, isn’t it? Millions, billions, I daresay, wake up in the morning and go to work. Doing something that they may or may not love. They get paid but, that money is never enough to keep them full. What does that job take from them? Time. Time that they will never get back. Is our situation so different? We give each other something, and you get paid. No matter what you do on this earth you will lose. Time will be raped from you, your spirit will be beaten. With my offer you use up less time.”

“And my spirit?”

“That is entirely up to you.”

The waitress came up to our table and both Gaderel and I had to lean back. During our back and forth conversation we had inched closer to one another. The smell of the food awakened the dull ache of hunger in my stomach. Funny, what you can turn off when you need to.

“Now, Miranda, please take some of my food. That side of hashbrowns is entirely too small.” Gaderel cut into his omelet and scooped some of his food onto my plate. Clearly, I had no choice in the matter.

“Gaderel, why do you want me?” I asked.

“Does it matter?”

“To me.”

“I will answer that question if the time comes.” It was a cryptic answer.

I stared down at the food on my plate. It would be the biggest meal I’d had in months, but I wasn’t hungry.

“Gaderel. Thank you, for breakfast and your offer. But, I reject them both. “ I said looking into his face. He looked at me with humor, and smiled.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“May I ask why?”

“You mentioned my time and my spirit. The answer is for my spirit.” I placed my napkin on the table, grabbed my stuff, and made my way out of the restaurant. I went to the bus stop and found Gaderel at my side in a matter of minutes.

“I understand your answer. But, I will come to you again and give you another chance. I know your circumstance and can help.”

“I hope that I am strong enough in the future to give you the same answer as this morning.”

With that, Gaderel was gone.





It had been six months since breakfast with Gaderel and I had been evicted. My cell phone had been turned off and I was working at an orchard. My hands were sore, I was sunburned, and most days I wished I could curl up in a ball and cry. Sometimes my thoughts would wonder to Gaderel, but I always came to the same conclusion. My rejection was the right thing to do.

Today I was picking apples and carrying the barrels of them to a truck. Once the truck was full I would get cleaned up and take them to the local farmers’ market. I made it to the farmers’ market and it was the usual crowd. I sold more apples than usual when I noticed a familiar form walking towards my stall. Gaderel

“Miranda,” he said warmly. Like an old friend

“Gaderel” I smiled back, “Apple?” I held one up to him

“Is this not what got us into trouble the first time around?”

“I wouldn’t know. I wasn’t there.”

“You look thinner than I remember.”

“Too much fruit, I guess.” I was deflecting and I didn’t care.

“You know why I am here.”

“Yes, I do.”

“To me, this hard work makes you lovelier. You are thinner, and that does pain me. But, you have muscle and color.”

“Thank you.” I said.

“My offer still stands. But, this time I will increase the payment. Two million dollars this time.”

I stared at him. He doubled what he was offering last time. Two million dollars would solve all of my problems. I could get out of here, and go…anywhere!

“I will go to the house you board at tomorrow night for your answer.”

That night I collapsed onto the bed I rented from the boarding house near the orchard. I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned. Finally, I got up and went to the window. Two million dollars. I looked down at my blistering hands in the moonlight. How had all this happened? A year ago I had graduated with a Bachelors of Fine Arts, magna cum laude. I was a first choice for any school, and had job offer after job offer. Then, it seemed that every door had been closed. My parents cut off communication, and that had been the hardest of all.

I looked through the window and up at the moon. Perhaps, I was a child of the moonlight.  Success and blessings, all things of light and day, stayed far from me. Those secret things that people don’t mention, like hate, lust, and greed seem to find me. I’d seen senseless beatings at the bus stop when I lived in the city. Out here I’d seen power abused. The orchard owners hired out to illegal immigrants and paid them a fraction of what they paid me. They raped the women, saying if they didn’t sleep with them the women would lose their jobs. The sins of the night followed me.

If I accepted Gaderel’s offer I could get away. The offer wasn’t that bad really. I wouldn’t lose anything if I rejected him, but I could gain everything. After I, you know, with him I wouldn’t have to see him ever again. But, he could have black mail on me. Gaderel could turn on me if he wanted to…again. I exhaled and opened the window. I could just jump out of this window. Everything would be over. No more money, no more beatings, no more anything.

No. Life goes on and I am meant to live it. I don’t know how yet but I can and will. When I see Gaderel the coming night I will once again, refuse his offer.

         That night I showered after work and put on a cotton dress. I would read a little and then go to bed. A knock came at my door and I knew who it was. I opened the door and stood in the doorjamb.

“Miranda,” Gaderel said.

“Gaderel.” I answered back

“May I come in?”

“Into my bedroom?”

“Yes.”

“No. We can talk right here.”

“Perhaps, we could go to the dining room?”

“Alright.”

         Once, we were downstairs I settled into an oak chair. “Gaderel, I know why you are here. My answer is the same as before.”

“Miranda, I do not think that you understand the situation clearly. I have said before and feel the need to say again. I am a man in a position to make things easy for you.”

“Yes, once I give you what you want from me.”

“I could, conversely, make things hard for you. I thought I made that clear. You could have bypassed all of this if you had simply accepted me.”

“What are you saying? You are responsible for me not getting a job?”

“In a word, yes.” He said. Anger flared in me.

“Why?” I tried to pour every emotion I felt into that one question.

“I think it would be obvious at this point.” He said lightly

“So, if I accept you this time not only would I be able to get a job but I could get the two million?”

“Precisely.”

“Would it only be one time? Or would this be a repeat thing?” I asked. I was weary, angry, and desperate.

“Only if you wanted to repeat the act. But, only the one time is required.”

“Why do you want me? You could get anyone.” I asked. I still did not understand his obsession.

“It doesn’t matter. My reasons that is.”

“Yes, they do. You could have anyone, for free I might add. And yet you follow me and make my life harder. Why?”

“All in due time, Miranda.” He said, “But the question of the moment has still not been answered. Do you accept my offer?”

         I thought for a moment. But, I already knew the answer. I think, in my heart, I’ve always known the answer. “Gaderel, I reject your answer. Please do not come back to me.”

“May I ask? Is there something repulsive about me?” He asked.

I chuckled. Everything about this man was mysterious, cryptic, and yet this question was so normal. Any guy could have asked it.

“No,” I answered.

“Then I don’t understand your refusal.”

“You cannot buy me.”

“Is that not what all people do? Sell themselves? They go to college to perfect a knowledge only to sell themselves. We count the biggest of whores successes, only because of the money paid to them for their time. And for, most jobs, their presence. Am I asking for something so different? Does not your orchard owner do the same thing to you?”

My mind flashed to the Mexican women, and to myself. Gaderel had a point. But his point was about the society, and the world. Not about me. I worked hard, and I honored every promise I make.

“No. He tries with everyone else. But, not me. And my answer is the same. No.”

“You are setting your own demise, Miranda.” Gaderel said

“I know.” I said softly, “Please don’t come back to me.”

“I will come back to you. I get what I want.”  And with that, he was gone. I went to the porch and sat in a swing and listened. Everything was still, it was as if Gaderel had disintegrated. I watched the shadows grow long and the felt the cool breeze swirl around me.

         The next day I heard the sounds of the workers around me. Manual labor is a funny thing, for after a while the people working create a rhythm. They don’t know they do, but it is there. Just listen for it. It reminds me of the people on the bus in the city. Every morning at the same allotted time people get up, walk to the stop and watch cars go by. Soon enough the bus coughs and chugs up to the stop. People knowingly nod and choose their seats. They get off the bus at their place and time, and soon the whole things starts up again.

         



         It’s been two years since I’d last seen Gaderel. I’d moved from my orchard job, as I’d been fired. I know who brought about my termination, and am okay with it. Now, I work at a kiosk on the pier at  the beach. I sell seashell necklaces and l learned from an old surfer how to etch scenes into driftwood. It was an early morning as I was unlocking the kiosk when I saw him. It is peculiar that as of this day he is the longest relationship I’ve had with anyone in a long time; and in all that time I’ve never seen him when he wasn’t well-dressed.

“Good morning, Miranda,” he said.

“Good morning, Gaderel.”

“I am here to ask you again. I will give you, as is our custom, a day to think it over.”

“I don’t need a day. My answer is the same as before, no.”

“I would give your four million this time.”

“I don’t want your money,” I said. “You know what, Gaderel?”

“What?”

“If you weren’t so bent on all this sex stuff, and had instead, asked me out for dinner we might’ve already done it by now. And you wouldn’t have had to pay.” A smile tugged at my lips.

“That isn’t the point, my dear.”

“Then what is?” He wouldn’t answer that. But, I could try.

“The point is finding out what your breaking point is. And I am now convinced that you do not have one. You are stubborn and obstinate in what you believe.”

“You did all this as some cosmic experiment?”

“No, just an experiment. To see how hard and bad I could make your life before you broke and gave me yourself.”

“Well, you’re wrong. It has been hard for me, but it hasn’t been bad. I’ve seen and done things I would not have if you hadn’t been a jerk. I’ve woken up before the sun to get to apples and seen them turn from green to red. I’ve listened to the native songs of the immigrants that are far from home. I’ve trudged with the huddled masses as they look for jobs and seen the relief when one finally gets one. I’ve helped children learn to read that wouldn’t have because their teachers are too busy with the thousands of students in their classes. I’ve seen the sea right after a storm when the animals and barnacles try to rebuild their homes. I’ve learned how to make a piece of art out of something someone else would throw away. You’ve made my life hard, but not bad. You don’t get to do that to me.”

“I see,” Gaderel said unchanged. “This is why I chose you. “ I looked into his dark eyes and saw something in them I hadn’t seen before and have never seen in anyone since.

         That was the last time I ever saw Gaderel. I’ve had a good life, not usual, but good. I finally made it to graduate school, at the age of forty. I did make love, to my husband. I can trust myself.