The Blowhard

98% of UM Students Muggles

New Report Surprising



         According to a new poll that came out Thursday a staggering 98% of University of Montana students are members of the non-magic using community, or Muggles, as they are usually called. This trend has been seen around the United States as of recent years and the University of Montana is certainly not the first to see it’s magic using community shrink to miniscule sizes. In fact recent reports have shown that an astounding number of public schools have a Muggle population between 95% and 98%. “Some schools have even reached a 100% Muggle concentration which is completely unprecedented,” says government pollster William Greaux “We’ve just never seen anything like this”

         Mass wizard migration is not a new thing to the rest of the world but something this big has never taken place, not even in Europe and especially not in the United States. Many people think that the wizards are doing it out of hate. “They just think they’re better then us,” commented Sophomore Civics major Janet Fordly, “They go to their fancy private schools in their big fancy trains because they think they’re too good for us”. Many others agree such as local Ford dealer Thomas Broem, “Its just history repeating itself, it’s white flight but with wizards is all. They’re scared us normal folk will attack them and they don’t want their little wizard sons and daughters going to school with the Muggles in case it might rub off on them”.

         Many economists are concerned with how the lack of Wizard money will affect the schools. Many of them believe that without the gold, silver and bronze the wizards provide, many schools will have to start offering to tuition to goblins and trolls and we all know that no one wants them in the schools.



President Dennison Sells Class of 2015 to Devil used

“Do you know how prestigious the Princeton Review is?”

After months of intense price comparisons and comparing benefit packages, University of Montana President Dr. George Dennison finally picked Satan as the omnipotent being the class of 2015 would be sold too. “I think we made the best choice for the school and the students and I hope our deal will lead to a long lasting relationship between the school and the Lord of Darkness”. In this record breaking deal signed on Monday with the blood of innocent children, UM agreed to offer up the souls of the entire class of 2015 for eternity in return for a “top tier” ranking in the Princeton Review.

Over the past couple months the Board of Regents, President Dennison, and the Vice President of Student Affairs have been working together to find a suitable buyer for their student’s souls. “We didn’t want to sell our student’s souls to just any old god out there,” said vice-President of Student Affairs Dr. Amy Hann, “we wanted a god we were sure could we could trust and was established in his/her goddom.” The search committee after months of deliberation and looking at each god’s rates and stated uses for the souls had narrowed the choices down to Quetzalcoatl, the ancient Incan bird-god; Christ Jesus, the Son of Man; and Beelzebub, or the Lord of Darkness as his infernal majesty likes to be called. They then put the choices to the Board of Regents and the ASUM to be voted on. Christ Jesus lost in the first round of balloting and was seen by many as a whiny guy who couldn’t really give anything to the school except eternal salvation. According to the Board of Regents he was also a sore loser, “After we informed him that he was no longer in the running he had the nerve to threaten us with eternal damnation in the fires of hell, the nerve of some people” said Board President Franklin Rossi.

The final two candidates were then voted on but after several ballots there was still a deadlock and President Dennison was called in to make the final decision. After a week of meeting with the potential candidates and going over every figure, he finally chose Lucifer, the eater of souls. Quetzalcoatl, the loser, could not be contacted again after he disappeared in a cloud of feathers. The Curator of the Furnace of Hell was overjoyed however. “I was just hoping to get one or two kids for my army of darkness, but a whole class? That’s what I call a good deal. The best part is that The Princeton Review will soon be caught up in a plagiarism scandal and go bankrupt so I don’t even have to do anything”, The Archduke of Sin then rode off on his chariot of witch bones laughing maniacally.



Actual Slaughter Rule Enacted used

On Tuesday the 16th the UM Football team added a controversial amendment to the “slaughter rule”. Before the rule had stated that any team leading by 40 or points after the 3rd quarter would automatically win. In an effort to make the game more exciting and “let the kids blow off some steam” the football team enacted a new interpretation on the ages old rule. The new "literal" slaughter rule calls for such lopsided games to end in Quarterback-Linebacker fights to the death. The new format has created some holes in the lineup. "We recently lost our saber specialist and that loss is creating a huge whole in our offensive line", said Head Coach Hauck.  The boys also are looking for an immediate impact left guard cross bowman to stick in the lineup.

         There have been bright spots such as the teams starting running back Carl "ConVikT" Smith, a three time convicted felon who also happens to be a super senior. This class of ‘98 holdover also miraculously has one year left of eligibility. Carl runs a super fast 4.2 40  along with the ability to shank a man while running full speed, something he "picked up in the joint". So far Carl has 7 TD's, short for total deaths and a 19.7 ATT/G, or Attempted killings per game.

         The new rule, of course, has had its share of setbacks including a bench-clearing melee against Northern Arizona which left 4 UM students in critical condition. Because of this incident many teams have dropped the Griz from their schedule. "Those teams are a bunch of wimps", Said Coach Hauck, "if they can’t handle a little bit of swordplay they should sign up for Lacrosse." The Griz have a tough non-divisional match up against the Invading Mongol Hoards from northern California. The Griz are hoping their newly built gladiator style stadium will be able to contain them. If not, the Griz have practiced hard all off-season for such a situation. "We spent about three hours a day over winter break working on the basics, catching, tackling, spear play, going for the jugular, how to flip out a switch blade with style, ya know junior league stuff", says senior captain Justin Roper. After a crushing defeat over the Han Dynasty, the Mongol Hoards are looking tough to beat. But Roper isn't worried, "Just give us a steady supply of new freshmen every game and we could win the national championship". But with the class of 2012 down to 34 boys some are worried that UM could be mortgaging a bright future for the immediate reward of a national championship.



History Professor’s favorite pickup lines:

I want to invade your private property like the U.S. exercising its right to eminent domain

I haven’t fallen for someone this hard since the Defenestration of Prague

I’d buy more jewelry for you then the Sherman Silver Purchase Act

I’d hate for this night to end like the War of 1812, with us going back to the way we were

When I have sex it’s like the fall of the Holy Roman Empire, you come from within and it takes forever

I’ll be like the 1918 Flu Epidemic; I’ll go all over the world for you

I’m not like the Revolutions of 1848 I don’t collapse during my climax



Horoscope

Aries: Things to avoid today: Snakes, Harry Potter Books, Techno Music, Anything starting with the letter “G” and Jon Heder

Taurus: Things are going well celebrate with some homemade fireworks

Gemini: The job market is looking up. Why don’t you go out and make fun of homeless people for not having them?

Cancer: Man has no power over death. Except if man has a M-80 machine gun. Make sure that you and your family are prepared for the zombie apocalypse

Leo: A large unexpected amount of money will soon be coming your way. All we need are the unmarked 20 and 50-dollar bills. The rest is yours.

Virgo: hey you know what Virgo sounds Virgin. Ha-ha you’re a virgin. Virgin Virgin Virgin. Lame

Libra: Uh-oh

Scorpio: “That’s What She Said” jokes look to make your day long and hard. But the balls are in your court. And remember, “keep it up”.

Sagittarius: Social tip. If someone asks “does it smell in here?” Make sure you respond with “oh sorry that’s just my crack pipe little Johnny must be freebaseing again”. Hilarity will shortly ensue.

Capricorn: You may find that goats are attracted to you. Resist the temptation of their cute beards it only leads to heartbreak and badly written songs about love and tin cans

Aquarius: While Stacy’s Mom may be taken Stacy’s Dad, Uncle and Great Aunt Mindy are all available.

Pisces: Pisces is a fish. See how long you can hold your breath underwater. And remember only wimps go to the surface before they black out



Glenn Beck Caught Masturbating To Picture Of His Giant Ego



         Yesterday after his interview with dismissed Representative Eric Massa, Fox Host Glenn Beck was caught masturbating to a picture of his giant Ego in his office. “It was disgusting”, said Beck staffer Jennifer Beckman, “I was coming in to give him the hourly count on the number of pictures there are of him on Google. I opened the door and there he was with his pants down and surrounded by pictures of his ego. And that ego was huge, I mean it filled the computer screen and he had a giant banner up over his head that just has his nasty sweaty pasty ego. I never want to see anything like that again. And doing it to you own ego? That’s just creepy.”

         Another Beck staffer wasn’t as fazed. “I’ve heard thwacking sounds coming from his room forever”, said head editor Nick Jackson, “I never new what they were. I also thought that he was just punching that really creepy life-size doll of himself he keeps in there. But masturbating to his ego makes sense.” There have been unsubstantial reports that Beck was crying during this furious orgy of self-pleasure. “I heard some sobbing coming from his room when I walked past right before Jennifer opened it,” said secretary Geoff Franklin, “he was saying something about socialism or something and who he would never let anything bad happen to America because he loved it so much. Now that I think about it he probably was crying, what a weirdo”

         This case comes after reports of Bill O’Reilly and Brit Hume getting together and writing soft-core porn about Rupert Murdoch and stabbing hobos.



“Clash Of The Titans” Releases The Kraken To Beat “Date Night” At The Box Office

         “This Stuff Never Gets Old”



Kevin Eubanks Finally Removing Himself From Jay Leno’s Penis



World Leader Goes Ballistic At Nuclear Summit

         “Laughed At For Being So 20th Century”



Everyone Glad Bush Isn’t At World Nuclear Summit

         “You Can Only Hear Nuclear Mispronounced So Many Times”



3-D TV’s Are Perfect For Those Who Just Couldn’t Wait To See Their “Three’s Company” Reruns In 3-D



Vatican Tries To Shift Attention Away From Scandals By Forgiving The Beatles “For Satanic Messages”

         “The Beatles Really? When’s The Last Time Anyone From The Vatican Has Seen The 21st Century? The Beatles In No Way Trump Sex Scandals”



Florida Pleading With St. Tebow To Bless Their Football Team After Recent Game

         “Without his blessing we are just mere mortals”



Best Team In The Lingerie Football League Not Really Proud Of The Fact They’re The Best Team In The Lingerie Football League



Lou Holtz Reanimated For Start Of New College Football Season



Mayor Daley Officially Declares “Da” and “Dem” Pronouns In Chicago



“Jersey Shore” Cast Member Kicked Out After Going On A Week-long No Spray Tan Bender

         “He Really Just Needs Some Help”



George Washington, John Adams And Thomas Paine Come Back From the Dead And Bitchslap Glenn Back In The Face

         “Hot Damn Did That Feel Good”



Internet Running Out Of Things To Make Fun Of

         “We’re Down To Old People And The Swedes”



Jan Brewer Tries To Explain Her Awful Debate By Telling People She Was Possessed By The Ghost Of A Deaf/Mute Democrat Mexican Immigrant



Porn Star Fired After A Premature Evacuation

          “He Just Pulled Out… Of The Project. What Did You Think I Was Going To Say?”



Scientists Discover Another Moon Orbiting Jupiter

         “Jupiter Is Such A Tramp, She Already Has Like 16 Kids” Says Saturn.