Based on Natural Events

FEMALE: Oh lord, I forgot to tell you...

MALE: What's that?

F: So that bitch Michelle put me at the bar during lunch rush even though I won that regional add-on contest last week, ya know?

M: Maybe she just thought someone else deserved a chance? You do win a lot of those little motivational competitions...

F: Yeah, maybe. Anyway, this really well dressed suit-and-tie grabs a stool at the end of the bar.

M: Yeah? Was he good looking at all?

F: Eh... Kind of. 'Well put together,' I suppose. Like one of Patrick Bateman's friends.

M: Mmkay, I get'cha, I get'cha.

F: So I'm shaking up like, a dozen martini's for that big top business luncheon Alex somehow managed to score when that guy walks over.

M: Ummhmm...

F: I didn't really notice at first, but he totally slammed the menu down in front of me with his finger pointing at something. I figured he just wanted to know what Triple-sec was or some shit.

M: Not the case?

F: Not at all. I tried really hard to look non-chalant, but I know I shot him a 'Who-the-fuck-are-you?" kinda look.

M: Hehe, right.

F: So I asked, ya know, if there was something I could help him with, or whatever, and all he says is, "Really?"

M: Whaaaat??

F: YEAH. So jokingly I said, "Yep, REALLY!" Goofy face and all, just trying to pry a smile from the prick.

M: And who could resist your charm?

F: Oh, hush! His response was totally uncalled for and shouting, "REALLY? 16.75 FOR A PATRON MARGARITTA? DO YOU EVEN USE A DOUBLE SHOT??"

M: Oh good god...

F: Yeah, and I was already peeved I wasn't gonna see any of the tip from the big top even though I mixed all the drinks, and I HATE working bar during lunch anyway, so this just... totally sent me over.

M: Hehe, yeah I'd imagine. So what'd you do?

F: I leaned really close to him with my tits squished against the bar, and whispered in a really saucy voice, "I am very, very sorry sir, but for an extra eleven-dollars-and-thirty-five cents you could buy me a Boodles gin and tonic and I can tell you all about how I can't fix the shitty prices. No need to tip"

M: YOU DID NOT!

F: Oh, YES I DID, BAHAHAHAH!

M: You didn't get in any trouble did you?

F: Nah, I bought his silence with a free margaritta.

M: Patron?

F: PFFT! He thinks so. It was Montazuma Silver- HA!

M: That's the best thing I've heard all week.

BEAT

BEAT

F: What'cha thinkin?

M: College...

F: Oh yeah? D'you enroll yet?

M: Nah. I'm still waiting on those fucks at the tribe to fix my last name on my memebership card.

F: Hopefully they'll hurry their asses up! Falls just around the corner. Gotta get that shit done, son!

M: Hah- Maybe I'll just open up my own damn college.

F: PFFT! There's a thought!

M: Yeah. I'd call it...

BEAT

M: The Sherwood/Bertoletti Institute for the Advancement of the Socially Defective, Dismembered, Rejected and Generally Fucked-Up Gauche Citizens of the Universe.

F: WOW-HAHAH. Come up with that all your own, huh?

M: Sure did.

F: What kind of classes would you offer?

M: Well... Writing of course. Science(s), Social Studies, Literature-

F: What about Sociology and Psychology?

BEAT

M: Maybe psychology. It just seems like that's all anybody majors in anymore, and I'm real tired of hearing about how much they know about the DSM.

F: BAHA!

M: And Social Studies would more-or-less be a facade for Sociology. A simple ploy to divert fixed-gear hipsters from enrolling.

F: Hahaha, of course! What else?

M: Theatre. That's, R-E. I suppose that spelling might attract a small percentage of the pretentious, but that's inevitable. To counter act that, I'll list World Religions as a choice, but in parentheses It'll say (Baptist Exempt: The Indie Kids drowned them all, remember?)

F: That's The Vines, yes?

M: Uh-huh.

F: HAHA, yeah! That'll discourage'em! What else could I enroll in at SBI?

M: GLAD YOU ASKED! This Fall, the new publicly funded Experimental Department opens! It's sole purpose: To study the different negative habits and basic contrasts between girls who "wanna go to hair school," and women who "wish to major in Trichology". I'll even jump one step ahead of the curve and debunk any accusations of SBI being a sexist university by adding a footnote that'll say: *We needed a variable, and went with class-status, not gender. Bitches*"

F: Hahahahaha! Be sure to add that "Publicly Funded" means, "TAX PAYER DOLLARS," just to really highlite the insult-to-injury factor!

M: That is an excellent idea.

SMILE

SMILE

BEAT

F: Wanna pop in a flick?

M: Sure.

BEAT

F: ONE-TWO-THREE NOT IT!

SMILE

END