what does love mean??

growing up watching cartoons such as beauty and the beast, sleeping beauty, and snow white i grow up dreaming of love i wanted love i thought i also needed it, although i was 13 years old at the time i still was consider a child , who didn't see the ugly side of things, i only thought of the greener side of the grass. i always dreamed of my prefect husband, in our prefect house, with our unbelievable yet true and prefect love story, until i became old enough to date and that is when it hit me, not all love stories are happy or field with magic like i thought. when i went on my first date i thought he was the one, he was handsome, nice , respectful and some what wealthy, i though i found him and i don't have to look any further, little did i know that life isn't that easy, after dating the guy i relished that he had one thing in mind and one thing only which is to get into my pants, i was really disappointed he wasn't worth me losing my virginity to him , so i moved on , i dated other guys and went in more romantic dates until i meet Ralph, he was great , well spoken, very respectful, he payeed attention to little details that made my world, such as opening the car door every time i was coming out or going in the car, he pulled my seat at restraints and waited for me to sit first, he knew exactly what to say at the prefect time, he was romantic, he told me i was pretty and i was the girl of his dreams , he played songs for me when i was mad at him, he just treated me like a queen and i loved every aspect of it. we started officially going out , he introduced me to all his friends who welcomed me and made me look at our relationship like it was going to last for a long time if not forever, now mind you i was only 18 and he was 20 years old, so you can imagine how at that age when you meet some one how crazy you get about them and think that you will elope and marry them the mint they say i do, so me and Ralph were at that state where we were together every day i would finish school and go out to see him waiting there to pick me up so we can go eat at a restaurant, watch a movie and later just hang around not doing much but looking at each other eyes and telling each other how much we are in love and how life with out you isn't the same, and all the other nonsense such as i am not going to live with out you, and my life with out you has no meaning, etc, we were happy until we celebrate it our first year anniversary together it was the most romantic of all , i came home to find flowers on my bed and a huge tdbear that spells i love you on his stomach, fallowed by rose paddles in which it lead to the table where Ralph prepared a very delicious looking meal, i was so exited i could not belive it, i thought oh my god does he really love me that much, i though to my self this is way too romantic to be considered only an anniversary dinner, things were going through my  head and one of them was he was going to propose,that night i was all in dream land , i let him take control, after we eat his amazing steak cooked by his own hands, he pulled out the desert from the fridge it was my favorites, oh my god it is chess cake, did you make this too? i asked. he said yes and from scratch, as we at and fed each other , looked into each others eyes and exchange words of love and romance, words no one can understand but me and him , and even when we were not talking our eyes were, and i will be shy to know he can fully read my eyes and know what i would want to say to him but too afraid to say it out loud, it was just amazing until we got on the bed , we always hug, cattle, make out for hours, but we never went all the way, and since this was our year anniversary he though this was the night , as we laid down in the bed holding hands and looking deep into each other eyes, he told me he loved me then he started to kiss me and make out with me, it was ok at  first until his hands started to wonder in areas i wasn't comfortable being touch in, he grabbed my breasts i moved his hands and continuo to kiss he , he attempted again and again, and every time i moved his hands he grabbed  more , until he held my hand behind my back and with his other hand he grabbed my breasts, i wasn't sure how to feel about it , i a way i liked it because he was taking control , on the other hand  i thought he was to aggressive for  me, he was still holding onto my hand behind my back and his other hand started to slip toward my pants, he felt me up a little i wasn't comfortable but it was over my pants i wans scared, until he wanted to open the buttons on my  pants and starting to an zip it, i started moving i told him no,, i told him i wasn't ready , i don't think i can do that , he told me to relax and proceed to unzip my pants, i got really scared , i told him no, i started to move faster i wanted him to let go of my hands i wanted to get up, but he hold me down , he was to aggressive i thought he was going to rape me, stop i screamed then looked at him with out fighting him anymore and said please stop, although he did stop and let go of my hand and get up from on top of me he looked very disappointed he looked at me and asked me what is wrong with you ? why are you acting up?i was not sure how to tell him wasn't ready i didn't want to disappoint him, or loose him, but i wasn't sure sex is something i was ready for at least not that night.i tried to explained telling him babe you know i love you , you mean the world to me, but i,,, i cant do this , i am not sure why ? but i feel scared, i don't know if i want do this now maybe we should wait a little bit,he just looked at me said i understand and get up to pick up his jacket and walked away , he left the house mad, i wasn't sure if it was my fault, i kind knew that i had the right to say no specially when i wasn't ready and since this is my first time i thought i had all the time in the world to think about this before doing it,, but i could not help feeling guilty ,after all Ralph did leave upset even though he said he understood,  i called him to check up on hi , but he wasn't answering his call, i was worried about him, i just didn't want to lose him, i called and called until he turned his phone off, i was desperate i couldn't belive that me saying no would gapredise our relationship of a year, i texted him telling him to come back so we can talk about it and maybe i will just give in, in my mind i was welling to give in although i wasn't ready but i just wanted him to be happy and not to leave me, i wasn't sure what to do so i called an older friend of mine at first i was too embarrassed to tell her what had happened , but then with her sweet calm voice and her understanding tone, i told her , but i told her everything i opened up to her of how i feel about having sex tonight and how i don't want to lose him i explained in details to her and told her things i can never tell Ralph, marry understood me and since she was older with more experience she old me to Dought i feel like it and if he wasn't going to wait for me to be ready then he was not worth it to began with, i thanked her hung up with her,a and thought of every word she said as it replayed it self in my head. i slept that night confused not knowing what tomorrow had in store for me and Ralph, walk up the next morning and the fist thing i did was check my  phone to see if Ralph had called or texted but there was nothing on my phone but disappointment,i got up , got dressed left my house , got into my cars in search of Ralph if he didn't want to  talk to me i will find him just to say what i had to say, i went to his house , his work, called his friends , went to his hanging out place , even the place he goes when he was mad at me, but Ralph was no where to be found, i still had hop, i looked for him foe hours until i was convinced he is no where to be found, and all i had to do is wait until he showed up, call ,or texted when he was ready , it was almost 7 in the afternoon and still nothing, no news from Ralph or about him, until marry called me saying " you are not going to belive this, my husband saw Ralph, he was at his brothers building, i could not belive it this building was too far for Ralph, plus as far as i know he doesn't know anybody there, but then i wondered could there be a friend of his that i have not meet living there, or maybe some one i know but he just moved into that building recently, i wondered and wondered and the more i did the more unconscious i got to know what was he doing there, who was he with? as i fought my self really hard and tried to make excuse for him i couldn't help it but to drive there and see what was going on for real, i drove there and the closer i got to the building the faster my heart rate went, feeling butterflies in my stomach, i just wasn't sure what to expected, i didn't know what apartment he was at, yet alone what floor, so i just parked by the front door of the building , not to close to been seen but close enough to see , i waited almost four hours before i finally gave up and knew he wasn't coming in or out from that building, as i turned my engine on , i took a last look toward the door, oh my god it is him, still dressed in the same jeans and blue t-shirt he was wearing on our anniversary, didn't he go home? didn't he change his cloths? i am going to talked to him , i put the shift back on parking took my foot of the break and turned my engine off, as my hands reached the door Handel, i see this other women ,tall , thin, long black hair, and very pretty looking talking to him, i thought maybe she is asking him a question, but no wait i see her reach for his hand and they held hands as the walked out of the building to get into his car, i wasn't sure what to think, i was really heart broken , i felt this heat wave taking over my body , i wanted to cry  so hard that the entire world heard me , my body was shaking, i wanted to go confront him, i even thought of beating him up, although i cant beat him but i was willing to try, i sate there for 10 mints not knowing weather i should drive or run toward and her to attack them or just give up on him or what , i was in a state of mind that i couldn't even remember my name , i was scared of my own thoughts , i wanted all thought to stop so i can gather my self first , i turned on my engine and went home, i cried and cried, how could he do this to me specially after the fact that 24 hours a go he was all in love with me, telling me i was the one, and that he wanted to spend his entire life with me, how could all that change in 24 hours, a year worth of work , love, romancing, and words that i defiantly believed in , i thought he was my world could this love wash away just over a night ?, and could a year worth of love just wash away because i didn't want to give in and have sex with him? is this really love? which lead me to wonder does true love really exist? and is this really the definition of love to guys ? i wondered ?