double life

When did I realize that I was living a double life? Was I young but didn’t want to admit it? I think the first time I started to come to terms with liking girls or when I started to think I liked girls was in 7th grade. I never had a boy friend but there were guys that I liked. Boys that I thought were cute. And Boys that gave me butterflies. In school it was all about girl talk. What guys were cute? What guys we liked. What guys we thought would make a cute couple with our friends. But at home it was different. I was different. I would finish my home work and jump right on the computer. I would spend hours looking up things about lesbians and homosexuals or in a lesbian chat room. I wasn’t “gay” that wasn’t an option. I was curious about gay people. I read online that all teenagers go through a stage of when they question their sexuality but when would my stage be over?

In 8th grade my best friend was Kristina, there was barely a day we spent apart. She was my opposite. She was loud, popular, and good at almost everything. I on the other hand was quiet, kept to myself and had to work hard at everything. But somehow we made our friendship work. I had known Kristina since kindergarten. We were best friends from 1st grade on. But there was something about her. I couldn’t grasp why I liked being around her so much. I loved sleep over’s and taking vacations with her and her family. But I never knew why she did the things she did. If we were in her pool she would wrap her legs around my waist and make me hold her. When we were sleeping she would ask me to put my arm around her. We never did anything sexually but I can’t say I didn’t want to kiss her. It made me wonder if maybe she wondered about girls to. But that wouldn’t make sense she had a boy friend who was a nationally ranked boxer. That didn’t scare me though. She had the all American family she had and older brother and sister, a mom who stayed at home and dad who worked and an awesome house. I had to hide my feelings for her because she was just a friend and had told me if I was gay things would drastically change. No sleep over’s, no swimming, no showering together (with bathing suits on), no changing in the same room no nothing basically. Things would have gone downhill if I even told her what was going through my head or acted like a lesbian. So I didn’t.

When it came time to go to high school I went to the public high school and Kristina went to a fine and performing arts high school. She broke up with her boyfriend half way through the school year because he was controlling I couldn’t say I was sad about that. But me and Kristina started to grow apart. We were still friend but I was moving on.

Freshman year was fun and exciting. It was new people. New clubs almost like a new start. I was still confused about the thoughts about girls but no one had to know. I managed to fool myself and everyone else. My freshman year was fun I put the whole going through a stage thing on hold. I had lunch 7th period with Rachel who through 4 years of high school became my best friend still till this day. In lunch I met a really nice guy named Matt. The first thing I noticed about matt was his eyes. They were a beautiful blue green combo. He seemed kind of bad ass he was scruffy had his ears pierced and gauged. But when he talked to me he was the sweetest person. He wrote me a note telling me how much he liked me. He knew I liked him too but once he told me I was stuck on stupid. I couldn’t talk to him or look at him without smiling. He gave me butterflies every time I saw him, every time he hugged me. But at the same time I still wondered what a girls lips would feel like pressed against mine. I would start to day dream about girls it was like a fantasy inside my head .I hated snapping back to reality. Me and matt never dated or did anything for that matter it was to awkward. But I still got all retarded when he was around. I didn’t talk to matt until junior year. I saw him but just never had the courage to say hi.

By 11th grade I had somewhat come to terms with the fact that I might be different. I had a couple of “cyber girlfriends”. I had fun talking to them and I did care about some of them. After freshman year I never took a lunch again. I just filled my day with classes. I liked it better that way. But because Rachel and matt where still friends if I was walking in the hall way Rachel would stop to talk to matt I would keep walking. If I did talk to Matt it was normally hi matt and that was it.

I was very into weightlifting all throughout high school. I would lift with my second coach mike he was a teacher at a private catholic school. Some days he would have his students come lift. The regulars where Caitlyn and Victoria aka Tori for short. Caitlyn was awesome she was smart beautiful and a good lifter. Tori was kind of odd at first. She never talked to me unless mike asked me to help her out with something. The first time I got interested in Tori was because mike told me to watch her squat. She got so low to the ground her butt almost hit the floor. I was supposed to watch her form but my mind went other places. I started talking to tori on AIM she was an awesome person. We talked a lot about different things we became pretty good friends. She called me from her junior prom just to say she missed me I couldn’t stop smiling! I was at my friend Bryans house who became a really big part of my life! He knew I was gay or curious and loved me for it. None of my other friends had a clue. I didn’t know how Rachel would take it and I was scared to tell her because her friendship meant so much to me. My friend sun lee was the first to ask me about my sexuality. We had psychology together and the more I talked about tori the more he wondered and so did i.

Me and tori continued to talk she told me she thought she was bi and I told her the same. I liked her so much it was insane. I never felt that way about anyone in my entire life. We talked about marriage and kids what our wedding would be like where we would live everything. Sun Lee asked me if I was bi and I said no of course. But then one day I had to tell someone I told him I was bi and he asked if I was sure I wasn’t a lesbian. And I said no I’m bi because I still like guys I thought they were handsome. And I still somewhat liked matt.

One night me matt and our friend victor all hung out at Rachel’s house it was a fun night me and matt talked for 2 hours. It felt awesome to actually be able to talk to him for once. That night I told Rachel I still liked him. And matt told victor he liked me. But it didn’t feel the same. I liked Tori and wanted nothing more than to be with her. We talked about dating and she said yes! I was screaming with joy. I Took Bryan with me to see her and to see her play! I loved having her in my arms and being able to talk to her about anything! That was the week I told Rachel about Tori. She already knew I talked about tori so much it was almost impossible for someone not to know. But Rachel didn’t care she was still my best friend! It felt amazing to tell Rachel I just thought it was so easy to tell people! But it was a little too fast for tori her being a strict catholic put a hold on our relationship. She was scared to tell her friends and family and I couldn’t force her. Me and tori decided it was best to split and we really never spoke again. After I told Rachel I was bi, I had to tell her I was a lesbian. I had no interest in guys what so ever. So I decided to tell matt. I told him I was gay he was kind of shocked but okay with it. I told Sun lee and he said he always knew.

After telling four people I felt unstoppable! But at the same time I couldn’t tell Kristina. She was my friend and I still desperately wanted her friendship. She invited me over for a cinco de mayo party so I said sure. We were all drinking and having a great time except me. I was bursting at my seams I wanted to just scream it from the roof tops that I’m a lesbian! I had to. Yes, I still had a little crush on Kristina but after tori Kristina wasn’t my type. So I spilled my guts to her crying and begging her to be my friend. She told me it was okay she had known for years and that we could still be friends. After that it was easy to tell anyone that I was a lesbian.

Just because I was gay didn’t change anything! I did start out liking Kristina and that’s why I was scared to tell Rachel I didn’t want her to think I would have a crush on her. I had known Rachel for a very long time and I thought she was very pretty but she was just a friend. Nothing more. I wasn’t sexually attracted to her in any way I never have been and never will be.

Toward the end of junior year I met Tina. I didn’t know much about her. I had heard my mom and her friends talk about her but I just passed it off. The first time I saw tina she was dirty and skinny and sickly. I didn’t really know what to make of tina. But she was cute.

Me and tina didn’t really talk much but I started to get a crush on her. Tina was 9 years older than me and I didn’t know what to do. But she seemed like a nice girl. MY grandparents have a trailer in a little town by the beach and tina went down with us one day. She sat next to me and the whole way, my heart was racing! When we got there it was dark and tina had been drinking and she wasn’t a big talker. But it was such a clear night I just wanted her to walk on the beach with me. I wanted to kiss her, I wanted her to like me. But I couldn’t do that it was my mom’s friend plus she probably thought I was just some kid. But I made it clear to her that I was indeed a lesbian. Things happened between my mom and tina and tina moved back in with her mother and that was the last I heard from tina.

That is until august of 2007. I sent tina a message on my space telling her I missed her. First it started as friends just talking about how things were going. Then we exchanged phone numbers and things got more personal. On the 17th of august Tina became my girlfriend! I was so happy! But at the same time scared shitless. I was so scared to introduce her to my friends and my family. I knew my mom wouldn’t be okay with me dating her friend.

That October I went to my first “outfest” and Matt went with me... he was gay to. I went with tina it was awesome seeing other gay people being their self’s. I hugged tina and kissed her and held her hand all in public! It was an awesome feeling. My life couldn’t have gotten better!

Now three years later me and Tina are still going strong and engaged and planning our wedding! My family knows and is okay with it. My mom refers to Tina as her daughter in law. Rachel is still my best friend whom I couldn’t imagine my life without! Matt is still my friend too we can actually talk now and have a conversation. I don’t talk to Kristina and I really haven’t been close with her since I came out. She said nothing would change but things did. Probably because she knew I liked her. But I would rather be hated for being myself then loved for being fake.

The moral of this all is it’s hard to “come out of the closet” but it’s worth it. The people who matter won’t mind and the ones that mind don’t matter. It’s amazing what hiding your sexuality can do to a person. After coming out it was like life started over. It won’t be easy and it will be tears and sweat and worrying. But it’s worth all the tears and ever worry in the world. It’s amazing feeling to be loved for yourself instead of who you pretend to be! I encourage anyone who is struggling with coming out to do it! You never know until you try. Good luck!