Cheese Monks

A quick note:- This is part of a much larger work, the story is about an air race, members of a small community are all competing, (5 other teams are competing) what we are seeing is the monks looking for something to power their engine. Yep, it's bonkers, but I hope it's enjoyable and fun. I'll post the musicians discovery later....

The Cheese Monks

It was a beautiful sunny day and Brother Gloucester had spent a lot of time in the enclosed rose garden of the monastery, he was starting to sneeze. Hay fever, every year it seemed to get worse and worse, strange that given this affliction he should volunteer as head gardener, but he loved the flowers, he just wished he could smell them. Still, being able to enjoy all of his hard work and seeing the gratitude on the faces of his fellow monks was in itself reward enough. He sat down on one of the wooden benches, tipped his hat down over his eyes, folded his arms across his stomach and started to doze off.
His peace didn’t last very long however, Brother Stilton was running through the arches at the back of the monastery, something for which he was the perfect wrong shape, his large belly and thick neck were hidden beneath a large brown billowing robe.
He stumbled up to the bench where Brother Gloucester was resting, he put both his hands on one of the benches wooden arms to try and catch his breath, oddly enough even though he had stopped and was resting, bits of him looked like they were still running and slowing down. Brother Gloucester was awake but didn’t want to show any sign of life till the last moment, he was determined to get as much rest as he could, even if it meant getting every second. Eventually Brother Stilton was able to compose himself.   

“Brother Gloucester, are you awake?”

Brother Gloucester slowly lifted his hat to reveal two eyes sore from the constant rubbing caused by his hay fever.

“Are you OK Brother Gloucester, do you wish to be alone with your thoughts for a while?”

Brother Gloucester nearly said yes, but decided against it, Brother Stilton had obviously come here for a reason and the fact that he actually ran made it seem that what he wanted was all the more important.

“I’m fine Brother Stilton, thank you for your concern, what can I do for you?”

“Farther Wensleydale has requested that you meet him in the storeroom, they have taken delivery of the new engine for the air race and would like your help in getting it going.”

Brother Gloucester quickly sat up, the engine had arrived, at last, he would have something to do other that tend the cheese vats and look after the garden.

“By all means Brother Stilton, please lead the way.”

Both Brothers made there way through the arches, through the mess hall and down the stairs to the cheese vats and storage area. Father Wenslydale was looking at the instructions on how to operate the engine when the two Brothers arrived.

“Ah, Brother Gloucester, good of you to come so promptly, could you give me a hand with this cover?”

They pull back the cover off the engine to reveal a gleaming silver box with lots of smaller silver boxes attached to it. There are small green and pink wires all over the top making it look like it had hair. The sticking out of the front of the engine is a wooden funnel with the words INPUT written on the inside in yellow letters, sticking out of the back is a metal shaft. Painted on the panel where the shaft emerged is an arrow showing the direction of its rotation.

“Isn’t it a wondrous contraption, all we need to do is find a way of making it go”.

“How do we do that?” asked Brother Stilton.

“I have an idea.” Said Farther Wenslydale.

He picks up a cheese sampling skewer and removes a small core from a nearby cheese. He places it in his hand and blows the smell towards the intake. The engine instantly springs to life.

“Wondrous” Shouts Brother Stilton.

“It is rather neat isn’t it?” remarks Farther Wensleydale.

“How fast is the thing round the back spinning?” asks Brother Gloucester.

They all shuffle round the back and look at the shaft, it’s moving at a modest speed but is not what anybody would call fast. The engine is also very quiet - all that can be heard in the cheese cellar is a mixture of ticking and knocking sounds coming from the engine.

“Is it going fast?” asks Brother Stilton.

“I’m not sure, it looks like it, Brother Gloucester, can you and your fellows in the metals academy conjure some mechanical contraptions to turn our engine into a propulsion system?”

“I’ll get right on it”. Brother Gloucester then dashes off in a flurry of dust and brown over cloak.

“Lovely” exclaims Farther Wensleydale.

Later that day Brother Gloucester with other members of the order take the new engine to the gondola fitting room where Brother Lymeswold is waiting for them. 

“Quick, quick let me see, let me see.”

They gently lower the shiny new engine onto the workbench and gather around it. There is much prodding and poking, Brother Lymsworld is like a mother with lots of naughty kids telling them to leave alone and slapping their hands away. Eventually he looses his patience.

“Brothers will you please leave the engine alone”. He bellows.

“But, but, but…” stuttered brother Edam.

“Brother Edam, I don’t think it will sound like that when it’s working”. quipped Brother Jack.

Which lead to roars of laughter, even Brother Lymswold couldn’t suppress the smirk that was straining to get purchase on his face…and winning. After a while the small group settle down and start to think about how they are going to get more power out of the engine to turn the propeller fast enough.
They know that the smell of cheese would turn the engine over and experiment with a number of different types. Cream cheeses, blue cheeses, they were quite good, mature cheddars were also quite good but nothing was really potent enough. Then one day Brother Jack was counting cheeses in the large underground cheese store when he saw something in the corner of his eye. He turns ever so slowly to see a mouse making its way across the floor at the back of the store. On closer inspection Brother Jack notices that something isn’t quite right with the mouse, it appears to be having difficulty breathing, and he can hear its tiny rasping breathes from ten feet away.
Like all the monks in the order they celebrated life in all its forms and abhorred suffering. Brother Jack runs over and gently picks up the mouse. It looks up, its eyes and nose were running but it did seem to be getting slightly better
.
“What happened to you my little friend?” Asked Brother Jack.

The mouse looks around the store room and points to a large stack of cheeses up against a wall. The monk puts the mouse down and walks over to the stack of cheeses, he looks back at the mouse who points under the stack of cheeses. Brother Jack knelt down and looked under the cheese racks. There, just visible at the back was a door, hidden for ages behind tonnes of maturing cheese, the monk could see a small hole where the mouse had come from.
   
“Well bless my soul, another room”.

Brother Jack put the mouse on a window ledge with a small piece of cheese and then began the task of moving the cheese from the racks so he could uncover the door. There was a lot of cheese and it took the best part of a day. He was joined by Brother Gloucester who had been sent to see where Brother Jack had disappeared to. They eventually managed to clear the shelves of all the cheese and move the shelves to one side.

“Well I never”. Said an out of breath Brother Gloucester.

Brother Jack looks around the room and then runs outside. Brother Gloucester walks over to the window ledge to look after the mouse. They are both startled when Brother Jack taps loudly on the window from outside.

“Ooops sorry, didn’t mean to make you jump, I’ve looked round the storeroom from the outside and you can’t see that there is another room from the outside, it’s very odd”.

“That is odd, well come inside and let’s open the door.”

The door is six foot high, arched and had two black iron strips across the middle. A black metal latch is the only lock on the door and that itself looks quite rusty. Brother Jack gently takes hold of the handle and presses down the latch with his thumb. Nothing happens.

“Hurry up, we haven’t go all day, they will be calling us to supper soon.” Moans Brother Gloucester.

“I’m trying it seems to be stuck, hang on a tic”.

Brother jack presses down on the latch even harder and it suddenly releases with a loud clunk. He pushes the door open and starts to walk in. Brother Gloucester grabs Brother Jacks arm just in time.

“Wait”. He shouts. “Look down”.

Just under Brother Jacks outstretched foot is nothing at all, then as they look closer they can see that there are steps leading down to a cellar.

“That was close, thank you Brother Gloucester”.

“Not at all, I think we need a lamp if we are to go down there, I think there is one in…”

Brother Gloucester stops mid sentence and his face starts to contort.

“Can you…can you smell something?” inquires brother Gloucester.

Brother Jack suddenly clamps his hand over his mouth and makes a dash towards the garden. Brother Gloucester meanwhile is feeling a little light headed and also makes his way to the garden. Brother Jack is on his hands and knees wiping his mouth, eyes and nose with a handkerchief.

“Are you alright Brother Jack?”

“I’m fine; just need air, lovely clean air.”

Brother Jack continued to take big gulps of air and to wipe his eyes.

“In the name of all that’s good and holy, what was that smell, it was the worst thing ever. I don’t think I can go down the stairs Brother Gloucester, not with that smell.”

“Smell? I don’t recall a smell, but I did feel quite light headed, ahh, it’s my hay fever, stops me from smelling practically everything. We have to see what’s down there Brother Jack, maybe it can power the engine.”

Brother Jack has managed to compose himself and is sitting on the grass in the sun, his colour is starting to come back and he is looking much better.

“I know, I know, I don’t have hay fever though, is there anyway I can go down there without having to smell it?”

Brother Gloucester looks around the garden and then walks over to so small shrubs. After a few minutes he comes back with a big handful of lavender. He twiddles about with the lavender for a while and then…

“Tadaaaa…”

“What are those?” Asks Brother Jack.

“Lavender nose plugs my dear friend.”
   
“Fantastic.”

Brother Jack inserts both of the made up flower plugs and takes a breath.

“Oh that smells lovely, thank you.”

Now Brother Jack is standing up straight, confident and alert with two small bunches of lavender sticking out of his nose.

“Hang on a minute, doesn’t this look a bit silly?”

Brother Gloucester looks at Brother Jack and seems to consider the point.

“Initially yes but, when you go down into the cellar and the other Brothers follow you, they will also want plants sticking out of their noses.” Chimed Brother Gloucester
.
“In fact I’ll make some spare ones.”

Brother Gloucester went over to the other lavender plants and made more nose plugs.
The two of them head towards the cheese store only to find half a dozen monks crowding the door, they are all talking and sounding worried.

“Brothers, what’s happening here? Asks Brother Gloucester.

All of the monks by the door turn around, take one look at Brother Jack and fall silent. The silence lasts for an excruciating thirty seconds before Brother Jack speaks up
.
“What?”

One of the brothers sniggers, which sets up a chain reaction, first Brother Stilton starts to wobble, literally, then Brother Cheddar barks a laugh which sets the rest of them off. After a few minutes they all begin to calm down.

“What’s happening?” asks Brother Gloucester.

"It’s Brother Lymesold, he went down looking for a stronger cheese and hasn’t come back up, Brother Stilton tried to go down to get him but was forced back by the smell. We don’t know what’s down there, what are we going to do?”

Brother Jack steps forward, chest puffed out.

“I’ll get him, stand aside Brothers.”

The gathered monks separate and allow Brother Jack to pass through them, he enters the cheese store and can see Brother Lymswold just by the door they had uncovered earlier. He’s laying curled up with his face covered by his cloak. Brother Jack can just about make out the smell coming from the cellar. He lifts Brother Lymswold and drags him towards the fresher air. The other monks grab a hold and help him out. Brother Jack comes out of the cheese store, and looks at the group of monks.

“Is he OK?”

“Oh he’ll be fine, he just needs some air, a good blow of his nose and some cool water to take down the swelling around his eyes, whatever is in that cellar is, well it just smells wrong.”

“I’ll go see what it is.”

He turns and goes back into the cheese store taking a lamp from one of the monks as he passes. He stops just at the threshold of the door, the lavender nose plugs are working, but for how long? He had to be in and out as quickly as possible.
He puts his foot down on the first step, then another, and another.
Within seconds his eyes start to stream and his nose is running. As he makes his way into the gloom the lamp is starting to show the walls, his eyesight is also adjusting. The cellar is only about thirty feet square and is almost completely empty except for a small round wooden box on the floor. It’s covered in dust and has clearly been there along time. He reaches out to lift it but the hairs on the back of his hand start to burn, he is also aware of the fact that his eyebrows are starting to curl and decides that he needs to be better prepared and quickly leaves the cellar just as the lavender is suffocated by the stinging smell from the cellar.

Brother Jack almost ejects himself out of the cheese store and quickly removes his lavender nose plugs which have are now nothing more than a handful of limp brown stained stems.
He is quickly surrounded by the monks who then suddenly take a few steps back, the smell is on his clothes, on his skin, it’s even in his hair.

“What’s down there?” asks Brother Gloucester.

Brother Jack sits himself on the grass and removes the dead lavender from his nose.

“It’s small and round about eight inches across and four inches high.”

“It sounds like a small round of cheese.” Said Brother Stilton.

“I think that’s exactly what it is, it had some letters on it, and I couldn’t stay in there to look at it for very long.”

“What letters?” asked Brother Gloucester.

“PEW, that’s all I could see, it was very dusty and had a ribbon covering the rest of the letters.”

“Pew, I wonder if it’s short for Pews of St James Cheese, we do have that variety in stock by all accounts but I’ve never known one smell so bad.” Said Brother Jack.

Brother Lymswold had clearly recovered from his ordeal and the colour was coming back to his cheeks.

“We should check the Whey Register, every cheese we have ever made is written down there. What it was, who it was for, you know, all the information you could want.”

“Brother Lymswold is right, Brother Stilton can you go to the records office with Brother Lymswold and see what you can find out. In the meantime we need to get the cheese and put it in something protective…and air-tight.”

Brother Stilton and Brother Lymswold went through the gardens and into the records office at the back of the storeroom. There were half a dozen simple wooden desks with chairs which had very high backs with the names of the records keeping staff written on them. They were all out visiting a local vineyard so the place was empty.

“Where do we start?” asked Brother Stilton.

Brother Lymswold was busy looking along a shelf filled with old leather bound cheese makers journals.
“I have no idea, if we knew how old the cheese was we could look in the year book and see who it was for, oh wait a minute.”

“Have you found something?”

“I’m not sure, there is a really small journal at the end of this row, hang on a tic.”

Brother Lymswold gently removes the journal from the book end and lays it on one of the desks. On it is written…
Cheeses of Exceptional Potency

Brother Stilton and Brother Lymswold look at each other, then Brother Stilton unties the leather binding and gently turns the first page.
There are only four entries in the log.

Centurions Foot - Extra Strong (The Crucifixion)

Beggars Pants (Nasally Repugnant)

Lord Tebbits Belch (Don’t Ask!)

The PEW – (Kills wasps and many other insects if in the same room)

“That must be the one!” breathed Brother Lymswold. “What does it say underneath?”
Bother Stilton read.

We have only made one very small batch of this cheese owing to its repellent affect. Its challenging and aggressive flavour is matched only by the hostility of its aroma and is not for the faint-hearted.  Brother Blue volunteered to try a small sample before the cheese had fully matured.

We wish him a speedy recovery. 

“My word, why didn’t we hear about this?” Asked Brother Lymeswold.

“I have no idea, what’s the date on the log entry?”

“It says – 1826, that’s what, nearly 90 years ago!”

“How on earth are we going to move it?” asked Brother Stilton, clearly troubled by the possibility that he might have to get near the cheese.

Brother Lymswold thought for a moment then snapped his fingers.

“I know, let’s go down into town and speak with the metal forger, he has some clever grips that allow you to pick things up from a distance, he also has masks and other bits of protective clothing that may come in useful.”

Brother Lymswold was particularly perky about their chances of success until brother Stilton askes…

“Just suppose we get the cheese out of the cellar, then what, what are we going to put it in?”

“Oh…yes I see, that’s actually quite an important point. I think there are some good sized tins in the kitchen but something tells me we might need something a little more serious.”

Brother Stilton appeared to consider this for while, and then a frown crept across his face.
"We used to have a small safe, you know the one in the library that Brother Edam used to keep his special tobacco in.”

Brother Lymswold, looked round astounded, then he burst out laughing.

“You know as well? Brother Edam thought it was the best kept secret in the monastery.”

“The best kept secret is that Brother Edam doesn’t know that everybody in the Monastery knows.”

Brother Stilton beamed.

“I’m not sure a tin will be enough but it’s certainly worth a try. So, know that we know what the cheese is, what do we do?”

“We should inform the others, they need to know what we are dealing with although I think everybody knows this already.”

Brother Lymswold picks up the ledger and both he and Brother Stilton make their way to the cheese store.....