The Hidden Truth

         Why is it so hard to be happy? You try and try again, yet it never works. You see others smile and laugh with an ease you want to posses. You smile and laugh, but it feels fake; only half there. When people look at you all they see is a girl whose always happy, almost scary happy. Never really showing any other emotion. Maybe she isn’t really that happy at all; could she be hiding behind the façade of happiness? This girl isn’t happy, she’s hurting and no one seems to notice. She wants to know why no one will help her, why they can’t seem to see she doesn’t want comfort; she wants out.
         She’s caged in like a tiger at the zoo, walking back and forth waiting for her chance to escape. She’s tired of hiding behind her false smile; she’s ready to be herself. But, in doing so, she’s hurting so much. She wants; needs someone to hold her; comfort her. She needs a shoulder to cry on. Her only goal is freedom. Freedom from the pain she’s lived with emotionally; mentally. She’s ready to admit she needs help. She won’t let the guilt stop her this time. She’s wants to fight back; she doesn’t want this to keep going on.
         She’s so tired. Her walls are crumbling around her; her emotions are starting to leak out. People are noticing something is wrong; different. Where did the happy; cheerful girl go? Where did this quiet; perceptive girl come from?
         She’s tired of keeping people at a distance. She’s ready to open up to her few friends, to let them see her, who she really is. She’s ready to be honest, no more secrets. But, it’s not that easy. She’s so used to keeping things from them, so used to not bothering them with her life; her problems. She doesn’t want to lose the few friends she has; she doesn’t want to scare them away.
         She’s tired of having her music blaring around her while she’s in bed curled up in a ball around her pillow crying her eyes out. She’s tired of hearing her dad yelling; at her, her mom, her brothers. She’s tired of being put down, of being told she’s stupid; of being called a slut, whore, worthless. She’s so tired of just sitting there and taking the emotional beating.
         It’s tearing her apart little by little. She’s scared that sooner of later she’ll start to believe what her dad says. She questions herself daily of whether he’s right or not. She’s tired of all the what-ifs. She just wants to be out. She’s tired of being angry at the world, at herself, at her life.
         Her family is messed up. There’s no way around it. Whether her Dad’s ready to admit it or not, he’s an alcoholic; an angry one at that. He can’t accept that fact of what he is; what he’s become. She’s scared to confront him about it. She doesn’t want him to tell her it’s her fault because sometimes she feels like it is.
         Her mom is purposefully oblivious. Her mom’s gotten so used to her dad yelling at her. She’s barely effected by it; though once in a while her dad will go to far; her mom will try to stand up for herself, but they both know its no use. She feels alone; like no one cares. Where are the people that where supposed to care? Where did they go?
         Because of her dad this girl can’t trust anyone. She thinks she does, but deep down inside she’s scared that one day her friends will turn there backs on her, and then she doesn’t know what she would do. Right now her friends are all she truly has besides her older brother, who got lucky and wasn’t around her dad much. She’s scared that if she loses her friends, she’ll go crazy; insane. She knows she can’t handle that. Her friends are the only thing keeping her sane.
         Sometimes she doesn’t even trust herself. And that scares her almost as much as her dad does. She doesn’t want to turn out like her dad. She doesn’t want to put people down; doesn’t want to hurt people for her own personal gain.
         She’s tired of crying. She’s tired of feeling alone. She’s ready to accept help. I’m ready to accept help. Now I’m asking for it. I don’t want to feel alone anymore. I want to feel human, like I a have a reason to fight back. I’m done hiding; I don’t want to anymore.