Seeking Love in All of the Wrong Places

Seeking Love in All of the Wrong Places

copyright by Tameka C. Strong #TX1-679-885



“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” II Timothy 1:7







Chapter 1



Darkness… The room I sat in was dark. There were no windows. I was afraid to move. I didn’t want to search for the door; if I found it, then I would find the Light. Facing the Light meant that I would have to face the truth. A part of me was safe in the dark. I couldn’t see what happened, I only knew. If I didn’t see, then it was hidden. Safety was what I desired and I had it where I was. All of my skeletons, devils, and fears were hidden with me. I had been there so long that I was afraid of the Light.



I knew what resided in the dark with me. They were small, round, fuzzy, and brown bodies. They weren’t pleasing to your sight. They looked like small hair or dust balls. I knew each of them by name. I knew them intimately. I learned each of their characteristics and traits. They were true to who they were. A part of me was safe there and another part was comfortable. I spent the majority of my life there. Minutes upon hours, hours upon days, days upon weeks, weeks upon months, and months upon years were shared in that room. I grew up as a prisoner. Birthdays, holidays, and special occasions were celebrated there.



Alone with my skeletons, devils, and fears was I. I was loved there, though. All of the members catered to my needs, adored, and cherished me. Whenever I needed a hug, I always had one. A smile was there upon my request. If I needed a shoulder to cry upon, it was provided. What more could I ask for?



My living quarters...There were no windows, no carpet, nor furniture in my living quarters. There were only four walls, a ceiling, a cemented floor, and a door that remained unlocked. The space in the room was limited. When I was younger, I was able to run around and play in it. There were very few “members” there at that time. I finally named the things that resided in the room with me. I called them members, because they had become my family. As I grew in age, the members increased. Their size increased as well, so did mine. The space, we shared, was becoming cramped. It was hot and uncomfortable. The air that circulated previously was not there now. We were inhaling more monoxide than oxygen. There were a few members that gravitated to me. Of them all, Comfort, Love, and Safety were extremely close to me. Strength use to be among the group, but somehow it got away from me (along with love). I didn’t realize I’d lost Love until it was nowhere to be found,



…Deep within myself I yearned for Love and I was searching for it subconsciously…

  …



The increased membership in the room was so great that we never had a spot to call our own. We all just got in where we were able to fit in. When new members arrived, we would readjust our positions. It got to a point where there wasn’t anymore space. The room was filled beyond its capacity. I couldn’t take it any longer. Something or someone had to leave.



The only escape was to open the door…





The door…The door was basically off limits. That is why it took a long time to really decide to open the door. Now that my mind was made up, I needed Strength and Courage to do so. For a very long time, I didn’t want to do it. Many of the members were against it being opened. Just as I was safe and comfortable there, they were as well. They were afraid because if the door opened, they would be exposed. The Light was an enemy to some of the members. We all knew that once the Light shone upon them, they would vanish.



All members in the room were able to feed off another. If one member needed “Hate” they were able to get it from hate. If a member needed “Pain”, they can receive pain. There was one member that everyone needed. That member was Strength. This member was always difficult to locate because it was the most used. I had to find it. Throughout the years I didn’t feel the necessity for Strength, so it got away from me. I was very concerned about it, though. I knew it was there whenever needed. I let the other members use it. As long as Safety and Comfort were near me, I was good. The member I missed most was Love. Throughout the years it slipped further away from me. Now it was lost. I began seeking it in others members because I couldn’t find it. I settled for what I could get, since I was unable to find it myself. The love the members provide for me wasn’t sufficient. It was temporary. After it was all gone, I realized that it wasn’t even worth what I had to go through to get the get the little bit of love that I got…



Whenever I needed something like Strength and I couldn’t locate it, I would borrow it from another member. The crazy thing about borrowing something from a borrower, and not the original source, was that it was risky. If you ever borrowed from the borrower, you would get what you requested, but with that came extra baggage. The extra baggage included whatever they were and little of each thing they borrowed from another member. It was a mess. I tried not to borrow anything from anyone often. I had enough to deal with alone.  It was crazy but we learned how to work together in there. As long as we respected one another, everything was copasetic.



There were advantages and disadvantages of sharing the same living space. The advantages were that we knew each other so well that we were capable of ending each others sentences, knew each others thoughts, and knew what each other felt. The disadvantages were we could end each others sentences, knew what each other thoughts, and what each other felt.



When I decided that it was time to leave the room, I was scared. Fear made a habit of lingering near me. I was afraid, because I didn’t know what lurked on the other side of the door. It seemed like my entire life had been spent inside of this one room. The members and I had become one. I was they and they were me. We felt what each other felt (like we were adjoined at the hip).I knew the majority of them were just as afraid of the Light as I was.



It took a long time for me to finally decide to make a move. The final decision came when it became difficult for me to breathe. When I did make a move, I found out quickly that it would not be as simple as I expected it to be. I thought that I could just move. I was so wrong. I’d been in that one position for so long that my body was stiff as a board. I made a horrible mistake of just moving without taking my time. The pain that shot through my arm was excruciating. The scream that I released echoed throughout the room and pierced the ears of my roommates and myself. By making this horrific mistake of moving, I caused discomfort to all of us. My movement was unexpected. You see, there were many times I contemplated on exiting the room, but never went through with it. It had become a wolf cry. Now that it was true, no one believed I would actually do it. That sort of worked to my advantage. I couldn’t let anyone in on my plan. If anyone caught heed of what I was doing, they would inform everyone else and it would’ve caused havoc.



With my movement, everyone in the room became disgruntle. They didn’t understand why I was moving. I was disrespecting them and violating their space.



You see when I was younger the members had conjured up an agreement that we would not conceal anything from one another. I didn’t know any better then; they created this pact before I was, even, seven years old. So, when I created this plan, no one knew. They were suspicious, but they were caught totally off guard. They weren’t too pleased with that.



...Being left out is not always a terrible thing, though it feels like it.



As I was growing up, I noticed things were not always right within our room. There were numerous times when several of them would gather and play. They would exclude me. Even my best of friends, Comfort and Safety, would leave me. During those times, Heartache and Loneliness accompanied me. They weren’t my friends but they were the only ones around. I wouldn’t converse with them.



When I first begun to be excluded from the group gatherings, I would think about how left out and hurt I felt. They all knew what I felt because they could feel it also. They knew my thoughts because we shared those as well.



One day I realized and learned that I didn’t have to share every single thing any longer. On that day, all of the members were aware that something different was occurring with me because Secret, Curiosity, and Excitement harbored near me. Excitement only came around on special occasions. Curiosity was always near me but I dared not play with it. Secret was not favored by anyone, so it was abnormal that it was so close to me. This really upset my roommates. I wasn’t worried about their anger; they would eventually get over it. They always did. That’s what family does. I didn’t understand why they were so roused up about Secret being near me. My roommates use to play with secret it behind my back, and I never made a big deal of it.



On that wonderful day that I discovered such a mind-blowing discovery, I didn’t reveal it to anyone. Somehow I knew that I needed to keep it to myself. I stashed it away in my mental treasure box. Only I had access to it. Just as I predicted, the members got upset and got over the fact that secret had become important to me. 



…I need to get out.



After experiencing such pain the first time I moved, I’d decided that I’d better take my time. I was not as flexible as I was before. I’d gotten older (you know how it is). I’d been in that same basic position for over 20 years. I began with rotating my neck, then stretching my arms and legs, and I twisted my body to the left and right. My muscles awakened. That was the best decision I could’ve ever made. It felt so good to stretch. I felt the blood circulating in my veins. I felt rejuvenated. While I was doing my miniature Pilate exercises, the members started screaming, crying, and whining. It had become aggravating. So I called out to Mind-block. When I did that, the room fell silent. Mind Block was the secret I discovered when I was excluded from the group gatherings. My roommates were unaware that I had found my voice.  They were all astonished and wondered when did I found a voice of my own?



While, they were out playing and excluding me, there were a lot of members that were also left out. Those left out members would simultaneously visit me. I took advantage of the opportunity of getting of getting to know them better. I was also able to make new discoveries about myself. One of the most valuable things that I learned about myself was that I had a voice. I was able to practice using it during that time, because Secret was always with us. So the other members were astonished when I called upon Mind-Block. Mind-Block instantly appeared by my side. I couldn’t bear the agonizing yelps coming from my roommates, so I blocked them out. 



After stretching, I ended up on my knees. As I began to move towards the door, I felt a great pressure come against me. It was the members. They were working together and pushing themselves towards me. I didn’t immediately understand why. Why would they not want to have more space in the room? I was the largest member. If I left, everyone could be comfortable again. I never thought to open the door to let any of them out, because they were afraid. I didn’t want to sacrifice any of them. I would sacrifice myself first. I was in disbelief that they would try to hold me back. We were always supportive of one another. How could they do this to me? Did they not understand that I was doing this for them more than I was doing this for myself? I was becoming so frustrated, that I had to just stop and exhale. Didn’t they understand that we were dying due to the lack of oxygen? We were killing each other by being in this room. I could shield them from the Light. I wouldn’t let them be exposed to it. They were just as much a part of me as I was to them.



I didn’t share with them my intentions of opening the door. They figured it out on their own accord. As I moved through the room, I searched for Strength, but couldn’t find it, so I borrowed it. Each time I touched one of the members, I received strength. I also received a great deal more than I expected. They gave me Strength but they made me more frightened to open the door. Nevertheless, I continued crawling to the door. I didn’t want to die and I didn’t want any of them to die either. Whatever the Light had to offer couldn’t be any worse than what I’ve already been through. One of the members that I borrowed strength from was Hate. When I touched Hate, it reminded me of why I originally took refuge in the dark room. I halted. I closed my eyes and began to weep. I couldn’t block out the memories any longer. Hate was using my past against me. It was working, but I had to push forward. I couldn’t let that stop me. I started my journey again. This time I decided not to borrow anymore strength, I would use the strength that I already had. I passed hundreds of members. I couldn’t hear their screams, but I could feel their anger. They began to push against me even harder.



For many years, we were okay together. Now that I’ve decided to step outside, we were no longer allies. They were always aware that I was the strongest member. It took me years to realize it. They kept it to themselves although they proclaimed they never played with Secret. Now that they were working against me, it was difficult to get to the door. It didn’t matter, because while I was making my way to the door, I came upon a member named Determined. I don’t know how or when it’s obtained membership, but I am grateful that it did. I guess not many members were aware of its existence, because when I touched it I only received love and strength from it. Love…wow; I haven’t felt that member in a very long time. I wondered where it was now. Hmmmm. I redirected my focus and got back on track. I returned my thoughts to getting outside of the door.  Touching Determined reenergized me. I was able to move a little quicker. When I was about halfway to the door, I found Faith. When I found Faith, I knew I would be able to do it. I arrived at the door and stood up. I stood still. I got scared. I wasn’t sure if I was making a huge mistake or not. I didn’t know what was on the other side. Should I just stay in here? I’ve been here the majority of my life. My childhood memories, both good and bad, were made in this room. My life was here, but if I remained in here I will die. I didn’t move. I was determined to make it to the door a few minutes ago….Now, I was stuck. I didn’t know what to borrow from anyone. Memories began to flood my brain. I became even more afraid. What if there were monsters on the other side? What if they were worst than the ones that I encountered in this room? At least, I was familiar with the ones that came here. What should I do? I remained still. Some members came near me. I didn’t face them. I felt them offering themselves to me. They wanted me to have some of what they offered. I was reluctant to accept anything. I needed help, and I didn’t know what to do. I was in limbo land…



The members knew that I was in limbo land and they made a move of their own. They forced themselves upon me and they renewed my Strength, strengthen my Faith, and Courage gave me some of itself. They encouraged me to open the door. I began twisting the knob. The knob was refreshing. It was cool to the touch. It was nice.



The members that were fighting against me earlier had redirected their focus. Instead of pushing against me, they were now pushing against the door; willing themselves to keep it shut. I was able to pull it ajar a little. Air rushed into the room. It was as refreshing as the coolness of the door knob. I inhaled deeply. My lungs expanded with pure appreciation. I had never felt so good. I wanted more. The members in the room scurried away from the light, but I felt the appreciation of the air within them as well. The Light was so bright that I had to squint my eyes together. Along with the members, I pulled away from the door. The Light was blinding. I turned my face in the opposite direction, but I never closed the door. Neither did I loosen my grip that I held on its knob. I pulled the door ajar further and stuck my foot in the opening. Although this Light was abnormal, it was warm and welcoming. There was something about it that that welcomed me into it. I felt it pulling on my spirit. It was a desire that I had never felt. I didn’t know what to expect to happen when I got into the Light, but I wanted it; whatever “it” was. When the Light touched my foot, I felt something familiar. I couldn’t figure what the familiarity was, but it was nice. I wanted to know about it. The Light felt nice, but the dark room was my comfort zone. I began to feel torn. I was safe in my comfy place and I was uncertain of what I would discover in this new place. As my eyes readjusted from the sudden violation of the exposure to the Light, I scanned the room and its members. It was gloomy and my roommates were miserable & uncomfortable. I thought to myself that I could not return to that. I needed space. I needed oxygen. I needed a change...I needed to breathe.



I turned to face the Light. The pull from the Light intensified. Curiosity came to my side. Strength stayed by my side and Mind-block left me hanging. I began to hear the pleas and screams echoing through the room. I pushed my right arm through the door. Then I squeezed my body between the door and its frame. It was a minuscule space but I was there. I had to hold my stomach in and hold my breath to fit in the space. Mission accomplished. I placed my head and neck there next. I turned the back of my head towards the Light. My face was in the dark room. I had to shut my eyes because the monsters started appearing. I was frightened. Their intrusion was not appreciated. I also didn’t want to see expressions on the members, but I couldn’t avoid feeling their heartaches. I was breaking their hearts. I began to cry, because a huge part of me wanted to stay with them. For many years, all we had was each other. They were breaking my heart…I thought about all that I was leaving behind. Then I remembered one particular member I wanted to locate before I left, Love. I opened my eyes and scanned the room quickly. I didn’t see it. I was about to go back into the room to search for it, but Strength, Determination, and Faith ganged up on me and pushed me through the door. I didn’t have a chance to say goodbye... The force they used sent me flying through the door.



When I went flying through the door, someone caught me. I fell into strong warm arms. This stranger held me gently and I began to cry. “I got you”, I heard a voice say. I began to sob. I sobbed because I was afraid that I was about to fall, I couldn’t believe I had actually entered into the Light, and because I didn’t know what to expect.  I was still afraid. The arms that held me were gentle and comforting. I was in the arms of a stranger but He seemed familiar. I didn’t know what it was. There was such tenderness. This stranger gently rubbed my back and stroked my hair. His gentleness soothed me. My breathing became steady and my heartbeat regulated. When I inhaled the fresh air, I faintly smelled a sweet fragrance. The scent was coming from the body I was being held firmly against. The stranger spoke and gently said “Welcome Home Daughter.” The voice belonged to a gentleman. It was soothing and reassuring. When He spoke, it sounded as if He were talking with a smile. As if He were happy I was there. It was as if He were expecting me!!!! Who was this stranger?  I didn’t reply, because I didn’t know this man. I didn’t know what to say. I also couldn’t figure out why I was so comfy in His arms. I couldn’t explain why I felt so safe. Was I in Heaven? My Father died when I was 5. Was this him? Something within me knew this was not my biological Father. I opened my eyes to look Him in the face, but I shut them as soon as they were opened. The Light was so bright. It nearly blinded me. I held on to Him. I didn’t know who this man was, but I was safe. While holding Him I felt the atmosphere shift. I felt like something was about to change. I didn’t know what, but I knew I wouldn’t like it. The stranger began speaking “You have taken the first step of a long journey. You have done well. Your journey is not over, you must continue on. You must open the door and release all that resided in the room with you. There is nothing to fear. There will be moments that you feel alone. During those times, remember I am always with you. I will never leave you neither will I forsake you. I am your Redeemer. I am your Light. When it gets dark seek me, for I am He who will guide you. You won’t see me but I reside within you. Search for the Light.”



I hugged Him tighter. I didn’t want to let go. I didn’t want to go back into the room. I didn’t know how much I needed to be out of that room until I was out. Now that I’d been released from darkness, I didn’t want to return. I figured since I was no longer in the room, I could go on with my life. I didn’t understand why this man was telling me that I had to go back. I wanted to leave my roommates where they were. They never wanted to come out before. What makes this man think they wanted to come out now? Why did I have to go back? I didn’t want to! When I left, the members were upset with me. I don’t think I would be welcomed back there. He wanted me to bring them to the Light. Was He insane? I didn’t feel like it was fair. Why couldn’t I leave them behind and go forth in my life?



I felt the tightness of the hug loosen, but I held on. I began to cry as I buried my head against His tummy. This stranger heard everyone of my thoughts. He replied to them “My Darling, Sunshyne, you can not move forward until you go back. The things that remain hidden in the dark will stunt your growth. I can not permit that. You don’t have to go back into the darkness; bring your darkness to the Light. You will have assistance and guidance. You don’t have to do this alone. You will never be alone. I promise.” I don’t know why I trusted this individual, but I did. He’d even given me a nickname. I didn’t feel weird about Him assigning it to me either. This was weird. He slowly released me and I’d loosened my grip on Him. He slid out of my arms. I wanted to see His face. I looked up but the Light was so bright that I couldn’t see any details. It was as if the sun, the brightest star of them all, was shining upon me. I couldn’t see His face but I felt His smile. I looked down towards the ground. I honestly didn’t want to open the door. He took my hand into His, led me to the door, and He opened it. None of the members came out. I envisioned them scurrying away from the door as they did when I opened the first time. The stranger called out “Mind-Block, Violation, and Hurt.” The gentleness that was once in the voice of the stranger had disappeared. His voice was strong and filled with authority. I would’ve been skeptical of coming out, if someone had called me like that. The members came out of the room. Their size had decreased as soon as they entered into the Light. It wasn’t a noticeable difference. The only reason that I noticed it was because I had spent nearly my entire life with them.



The stranger placed His hand upon my shoulder. His voice mellowed out. “Sunshyne, I want you to begin here. Take your time. Do not cheat yourself. You must confront each member that lived in the room with you. They all played a significant role in your life. You must accept it. Some members may be more intimidating than others. You may have to fight. Your battle is already won. Remember that. Don’t become discouraged. I’ve never placed more on you than you can bear and I won’t ever. You have not traveled a simple journey and it has now become more complex. Rely on me. The reward at the end of your journey will be worth it.”  I didn’t look up at Him. I became unsure of how much I trusted Him. My feelings changed towards Him because He requested me to do something that I desired not to do. I didn’t want to face my former roommates and I didn’t think it was fair that He asked me to do so. Everyone in the room was my friend when I remained silent. When I decided to do something that would benefit all of us, several of them turned their backs on me. I felt betrayed, I was upset, and to top it all off, I was scared! The Stranger listened to my thoughts. He placed His hand upon my shoulder and said: “It’s okay to feel what you feel; you no longer have to hide.” He pushed me forward to confront the members. I just looked at them. They stood in front of the door very still. “What am I suppose to say or do? I promised them that I would protect and shield them from the Light. I betrayed them”, I thought to myself. The stranger said “You didn’t do it, I did”. “But they are going to blame me not you”, it thought to myself. He encouraged me to confront them by pushing me forward, but I wouldn’t move. The Stranger gently pushed me forward again. He said “Go Forth My child you have nothing to fear.” With that said, he left. He just faded away like a fog. He didn’t give me any instructions. He just left me with these individuals that ultimately intended to kill me. I didn’t realize that until I exited the room.

Chapter 2



Mind-Block, Violation, and Hurt all stood still against the wall. They were shivering, because they were filled with fear. I glanced at them periodically, but I didn’t know how to face them. I’d betrayed them



I found a vacant corner in the room and sat down. My back was against the wall. I pulled my knees to my chest, wrapped my arms around them, and laid my head upon them. Memories and visions began flooding my memory bank, but they were incomplete. They became incomplete nightmares. Some of the things I didn’t remember, because I didn’t desire to remember other things I had blocked out. That’s when I knew I had to begin my process. I lingered in the corner a while longer. I remembered what the stranger said… “My Darling, Sunshyne, you can not move forward until you go back.”  With that thought I lifted my head and called out I called upon Mind-Block. Mind- Block did not budge. My heart began aching. It ached because once I’ve confronted each member it was more than likely they would be destroyed. They were my friends… I will miss them.



Unlike me, Mind-Block was called brought into the Light unwillingly. It wasn’t greeted nor welcomed in the same manner that I was. No one stood with open arms awaiting its arrival. It was commanded to come out. My heart ached, because Mind-Block was kind to me. It was a reliable source. I didn’t want to hurt or destroy it, but I didn’t have a choice. “Mind-Block,” I called out again. It didn’t move. “Please come to me,” I cried. It remained in its spot. It knew its fate. I didn’t want to move from my spot. I dreaded what I was about to do. I was about to lay Mind-Block to rest. It broke my heart. I placed my head back upon my knees and began crying.  “Why?” I asked. The question went unanswered. I cried for a very long time. When my tears subsided, I regained my composure. I realized I was wasting time crying. The more I whined about not wanting to do my assignment, the longer I would be in this same position, but I also was a procrastinator.



I stood up and walked towards the members. I stopped in front of them. I kneeled down and gently lifted Mind-Block. I stood and walked back to the corner I was in earlier. I sat down and placed it into my lap. I caressed it. My fingers lightly massaged it. I began speaking to it in a very gentle voice. I expressed my gratitude towards it. Whenever I needed it, it was there. It was dependable. It looked at me with saddened eyes. It questioned me, “Why did you choose me first?” I replied “I had no choice. I have to travel a journey and I don’t want to overlook anything. By choosing you, I will permit myself to see all things for what it is. I care about you. I don’t want to let you go, but it’s a necessity.” My arms went around Mind-Block. I laid my head upon it and I wept myself into a deep slumber.



The sleep that I drifted into was long, deep, and hard. I began dreaming. The dream started in the living room of my parents’ apartment; I was younger than seven years old in that scene. I was lying on the couch when my mother awoke me. She asked me why my panties down were. I replied “I don’t know.” She pulled my panties up and took me into the bedroom. My dream ended there, but I did not awake. I began to toss and turn. There was pure darkness without dreams. I felt like someone was chasing after me. My breathing became rapid and my heartbeat increased. My heart was beating so fast that it felt as if it were begging to be released from behind my ribcage. I woke in a cold sweat. It took a while for me to regain my composure. I didn’t want to open my eyes. I feared that I would be in that room again; the living room, bedroom, or bathroom.



I felt a cool breeze graze my face. With it came calm. I opened my eyes and slowly surveyed the room. I wanted to make sure I wasn’t in the dark room and that there weren’t any monsters in the room with me. There weren’t. As I scanned the room, I realized that I hadn’t done it earlier. I didn’t know what the room had in it. Now, I can see. The room had a bed. It looked soft, fluffy, and comfy. The bed’s linen was white. There were four pillows and a bear on it. I smiled. The bear was a Care Bear . I loved them. Next to the bed was a nightstand. The nightstand was white and it had a vase filled with sunflowers sitting upon it. Next to the nightstand was a window. The window was wide and it had white shear curtains. The curtains swayed softly. The window was open and there was a very subtle breeze. The curtains danced in the air as the wind blew. I continued to scan the room. My gaze ended at on the door I exited earlier that day. I looked down and saw Violation and Hurt. When I saw them I remembered Mind-Block. I quickly glanced down at my lap. It was gone. The wells of my eyes were filled with tears. Mind Block was gone. I looked up at the night stand and stared at the sunflowers. They were beautiful. I needed to redirect my focus. I let my eyes glide to the window. I looked passed the dancing curtains. Outside was beautiful. The grass was green, the sun was bright, and the birds were chasing each other chirping along the way. Freedom… I thought to myself. The gentle voice of the stranger chimed in and said “That will also be yours one day soon.” My concentration broke and I looked back towards the door. Violation and Hurt huddled against one another. I didn’t want to deal with either of them. They were members that I was not fond of at all. I had not realized the damage they caused in my life until I left them behind. I got up from the floor and went to the bed. I picked up the Care Bear and lay down. I was in the position of an embryo. I stared at Violation as it stared back at me. It appeared innocent. It wasn’t.



I lay staring at it and it stood staring at me. Anger filled me. Fear seemed as if it left it. The fear that once resided in Violation had dissipated. This member was bold. I feared it for several years. Presently, it felt as if we were in a standoff. It was either it or me that would be destroyed. I wasn’t ready to pick it up but I was willing to face it…



I can not go forward until I go back…. I reminded myself. I had to push myself to confront it. Fear was holding me back. I got up and went over to the door. I bent over to pick up Violation. It began to snarl. It frightened me. “How bad do you want it?” I heard the gentle voice say. I was dumbfounded. How bad do I want what? I questioned. I didn’t say it aloud, but I thought it. I reached over to pick Violation up, but it moved away from me. I looked at it like it was crazy. I reached for it again and it moved. I was getting frustrated. I already didn’t want to deal with it and now I had to chase it around. GET OUT OF HERE, I thought to myself. I reached again and the bastard moved again. I stood up and said “Forget it!” I walked back over to the bed. It moved back to the door. We stared at each other again. I went back to try to pick it up again. We were playing a game of cat and mouse. “Forget it” I yelled again. I went back to the bed and sat down. I looked outside if the window and gazed at its beauty. I thought FREEDOM. The voice said “How bad do you want it?”  I sighed. I realized what “it” was. How bad did I want the outside? How bad did I want to get pass this obstacle in my life? How bad do I want it? I had not violated myself, why did I have to face this? The stranger said that I wouldn’t have to face this alone, but it seemed that way. There was no one in the room with me when I was touched. There was no one there to save me or protect me. I had family, but I was alone. For years, this secret remained concealed. It had to remain that way, because the family secret couldn’t be released. “With loving kindness have I drawn you to me,” the stranger said. When He said that, I knew what I had to do. I thought about how welcoming the warmth of the Light was. Also, the way I was greeted with open arms and how gentle this stranger was to me. At that moment, I knew exactly what I had to do.



I stepped outside of myself. I had to view this from a different perspective. When the members and I resided in the room together we cared about one another. We catered to each others needs and supported one another. Now here I am. I’ve experienced something new and I’ve gotten brand new. At one point, I thought that I was better than them. I wanted to leave them behind and go on with my life. What I learned was that they were a part of my life. Everywhere I went they would go until I faced them properly. After I saw things from their perspective, I knew how to handle them.



I lay on the bed a while longer, and reviewed my thoughts and emotions. I cleared my heart and mind of all ill feelings. I regrouped myself and then I arose from the bed and walked over to Violation. I kneeled down and spoke to it gently. I apologized for leaving it behind and treating it differently. Violation was hesitant. It didn’t know if it could trust me. I couldn’t blame it. I didn’t know if I could trust myself. With tears streaming down my face, I wondered how I would conquer Violation. I’m now sitting in this room hurting and lonely. I wanted to go back into the dark room and hide. At that very moment, I longed for Mind-Block because I didn’t want Violation to know what I was thinking. As I kneeled before it, I was about to drown in memories. I saw everything vividly. I wanted to kill it. How could it take away my innocence and get away with it? How could it be swept under the rug like it never existed? “With love and kindness…”  I heard the voice gently remind me. “I am not you,” I yelled. I got up and began pacing the floor of the room. I went over to the dark room’s door and punched it. I continued to do that until I hurt my hand. Then I yelled “I don’t even know who you are! Who are you?” I asked. The room remained silent. I went to the bed and grabbed the Care Bear . My nostrils was flared, my eyes were opened wide. I buried my face between the Care Bear and the pillow and I began to scream. I wanted to pull my hair out. I understood the purpose of me having to do this, but I was upset that I had to go through this all over again. I was upset. Truly upset. I left this stuff behind. Initially, I only left because we were killing each other in the room. Then I experienced the new room, I wanted a new life. This Stranger welcomed me with opened arms. He was gentle, attentive, peaceful, and sweet. He introduced me to a new life filled with new memories. I wanted more of that. My demeanor had changed. I softened and my anger faded away. I wanted more of that. He told me that I had to go back before I could go forward. I didn’t want to but…



I went back to the entrance of the dark room. This time I didn’t kneel down. With a gentle voice I called Violation. Violation stood still. It was reluctant to come to me. I called for it again. It moved away from the wall a little. I took a step towards it. It didn’t move back. I squatted down and lifted it up. I hadn’t noticed how heavy it had gotten over the years. I stood up and walked over to the bed with it. I sat down and began to stroke it. I was hurting badly. I was angry, but I had to handle it with kindness. I lay down in the bed with it. That was the last place I wanted to be with it. It contained so many heartbreaking memories. I held on to it tightly and shut my eyes. I felt I could not handle this alone. I whispered three words “Help me please”. Then I closed my eyes and remembered…



My uncle used to babysit, my siblings and I, when my parents were away. He wasn’t a mean person. Actually, he was quite cool. There was a side to him that others didn’t know about though. If they did know about it, they would never admit to knowing. My uncle and I became secret friends. I can’t tell you that he told me not to tell. I don’t remember that, but I knew that I couldn’t share our secrets with anyone. My earliest thought of him was that he was weird. I thought “weird” because he ate cereal with water versus milk. Now that I’m older, I realized that back in the day people ate cereal with water when they didn’t have any milk. So dude was weird to me. My second memory was when my mother came into home one night. I was lying on the couch and my panties were down. My mother asked me how they got down. I told her that I didn’t know, but I knew.



I lay in the bed holding Violation. I noticed that I had begun rocking. I don’t know when I begun, but I rock to comfort myself. I held onto Violation tightly. I had been violated in many ways in life. The biggest way I was violated was through molestation. I dealt with it for years and it was by two different individuals. As I lay there and face the fact that I was violated by two people that I was trusted with. I realized that I didn’t have to face this alone. There was a member that I could always depend on. I needed that member now. When I realized that I had to open the door, I began to have a panic attack. My heart rate increased, and my breathing altered. So I began to take deep slow breaths to relax myself. I didn’t realize that I would have to open the door so soon. After I was calm, I sat up on the bed and placed Violation on the side of me. I stood and went over to the window. I stood in front of it. I let the cool breeze blow across my face. I closed my eyes. I didn’t know how to do what I was about to do. I didn’t know if I was ready to, but I had to. I needed Strength and it was in a place I did not want to revisit. I made up my mind. I walked to the door and opened it. Strength greeted me at the door. I was relieved. I didn’t have to go inside (whew). It came out of the door; I picked it up, and shut the door quickly. I went over to the bed and sat with it. We were delighted to see each other. After the excitement settled down, I told it that I needed it. It looked me deep into my eyes. I knew that it supported me. I got up and sat it next to the flowers on the nightstand. When I set it down it turned yellow and began to glow.



I went back to the door and opened it. I called out Molestation. I received no response nor did I detect any movement. “Molestation”, I repeated. No response I received. I opened the door wider. “MOLESTATION, COME HERE!” I yelled. It came to the door slowly. “Come outside”, I said with a shaky voice. “Come out now” I commanded! It took its time, but it finally exited the dark room. As soon as the Light touched it, its size decreased. It quickly fled to a corner of the room. It sought shelter from the Light but couldn’t find it. I went to the corner and picked it up. We went to the bed and sat. I leaned my back against the wall and looked Molestation in the face. It didn’t snarl at me like Violation. Molestation couldn’t look me in the face. It acted as if it was ashamed. Could that be possible? How could that be possible? It was unashamed when it invaded my personal space. It was unashamed to take residence in the area I called my own. Shame?!? Are you serious?



I pushed my personal thoughts to the side. I didn’t understand what Molestation was going through, but I was going through something as well…



It began before the age of five. Whenever my uncle babysat me, it was playtime for him. I was never a “good girl” when he was around. With him I used to get in trouble for everything I did. If I sneezed I was in trouble. Coughed, I was in trouble. I remember a particular night. We were in the living room. I don’t know exactly what I did, but I was in trouble as usual. My uncle sent me to my room. I went to the second room. Our home had three bedrooms and one bathroom. The first room belonged to my parents. The second room was the kids. I don’t know what the third room was for. I stood in the room. I didn’t sit. I didn’t turn the lights on. I stood in the dark. I knew he would be there soon. When he came in, he placed his penis in my mouth. I don’t know how long it was there. What I do remember is that he pee’d in my mouth. I started gagging. He took me into the restroom, placed my face over the toilet and I began vomiting. It felt like my insides wanted to come out.



I was a child. I didn’t know that it probably wasn’t urine and it could’ve possibly been semen. It went on for years. I don’t recall how frequent it was. I just know that it happened began before my fifth birthday and no one found out until I was nearly seven years old.



When it was discovered, I was taken out of my mother’s custody and placed into my aunt’s. Years later it happened again. This time it was my cousin. Not only did he touch me, but my cousin touched my younger sister and me. Very few members knew about it. My grandmother suspected that something foul was occurring but I never admitted to it.



One evening one of my female cousins was babysitting while the adult family members went out. My siblings and I were in our bedroom watching television. We had bunk beds at the time. My bed was the top bunk near the window. My male cousin was caught on that night. My female cousin came to the room to check on us. When she came to the door, my male cousin and I jumped. She asked what we were doing. We said “Nothing” at the same time. She knew something was happening. She knew what we were doing. She took me into the bathroom. She began to clean me up. My cousin had ejaculated on me. She wiped me off and showed me the towel. She asked me did I know what it was. I told her no. She said “This is the stuff that makes you and me.” I didn’t know what she meant then, I know now. There were many times he touched me. My family found out and confronted us. My cousin’s mother was upset with me. My sister, who lived with my cousin and his mom, came to live with us after that.



Sometime during the years that I’d been molested, I began like being touched. I liked the attention I received. Many people won’t admit to that. How would the world view us if they knew we liked being touched, that it felt good, and that our bodies craved it? How could they understand that you disliked what these people did to you and ugly they made you feel? At the same time your body responded to their touch? Somehow or another in this twisted world that we reside in, someone would say that we asked for it.



…I felt when Molestation disappeared. I reached for my Care Bear without opening my eyes. I wanted to go to sleep but could not. I felt a pulling from Violation. I sat up and took Violation into my arms and looked down at it. It stared at me with eyes filled with apologies. I understood what it was trying to tell me. We nodded at one another and it disappeared.



I sat reviewing what I had just gone through. I faced feelings that were buried deep within me. I faced something that I did not want to face. It was challenging. I remembered how I felt when I wasn’t believed. My mother’s family denied and currently denies that my uncle touched me; He knows the truth. My father’s side of the family concealed that anything ever happened; we all know it occurred. I felt betrayed. It hurt.



Chapter 3





The only member that remained in the room with me now was Hurt. I thought back to when Hurt was born…



It was my birthday. My parents were supposed to be getting ready to celebrate the 5th birthday of their first child. Instead of a celebration of birth it turned into an episode of the twilight zone.  On this day, July 25, 1978, my mother killed my father, happy birthday to me. There were several renditions of the day’s events. None of them mattered. I, no longer, had a father. Now four young children remained fatherless. When I was a teenager, I questioned my birthmother. I asked her why she killed him. She told me that it was an accident. I didn’t believe her. I hated that lady. Now, I hate the fact that I have to go open the dark room’s door again.



I went to the room and called out hate. I was frustrated because I thought I only had three of them to deal with. This was far more than I bargained for. Hate came out. I picked it and Hurt up and carried them to the bed like a pair of twins. Both of them were large and heavy. We sat upon the bed and I placed them in my lap. I set Hurt to the side and focused on hate.





What type of mother would permit her child to be molested and not do anything about it? What type of mother would kill her children’s father? How could this woman kill her husband but not the man who took away her daughter’s innocence? What type of mother would choose drugs over her children? What type of mother wouldn’t fight for her children? She was supposed to protect me. She was supposed to love me. She didn’t. At least it didn’t feel like she loved me. It didn’t feel like she cherished me.



Maybe it wasn’t true, but that’s how I felt.



My mother’s family didn’t believe that my uncle touched me. They claimed that someone else did it. They even said that my mother didn’t kill my father. Where was the truth in that? With God’s assistance, I understand now. I understand that my grandmother would never believe that her son could ever do such a thing and that she didn’t want to taint her daughter’s reputation. I understand now, that my aunt and uncle couldn’t accept the fact that their brother was a monster. It was a disgusting act that he performed. I understand that they all love this particular member of their family. The crazy thing is that I loved him also. I hated the fact that I wanted him to know that I loved him, but was very afraid of him. I hated the fact that I loved my mother deeply and she didn’t even know it. I got a headache thinking so much. By breathing became rapid. My forehead had creases in it. I hated them with a passion. I wanted to slam hate on the ground, but I didn’t. I remembered that when we needed something from in the room and couldn’t find it, we borrowed it. I needed Love. Instead of slamming Hate down, I began to search for Love in it. Hate contained no Love what so ever. I began inhaling and exhaling slowly. I had to encourage myself. I could make it and I could get through this I told myself. Hate stared up at me. It wondered what I was going to do. I reached to my side and picked up Hurt. I sat it in my lap next to Hate. They were identical. I looked at Hurt and calm came upon me. It was a relief. I felt myself exhaling slowly. As I exhaled, Hate disappeared.



It was me and Hurt again.