How are you?

How are you?

At the moment? Well, gee, let me think. You want me to say, “I’m fine,” and let that be the end of the conversation. That’s not what I want to say. If I said what I wanted to say, you would think I was ready for a shrink or a straightjacket.

If I said what I wanted to say, you would be worried that all those feelings ping-ponging around in my soul would make me explode.

If I said what I really wanted to say, you would never ask me how I was ever again.

If I said what I wanted to say, I would tell you that I’m miserable because I feel like I’m all alone, even though I know I’m not.

I would tell you that I’m lonely because I feel disconnected and abandoned by the world around me.

I would say that I’m angry because other people can coast through life like they don’t care while I’m stuck here, worrying.

I would say that I’m stressed because school is going to start soon and I’ve barely done any work.

I would tell you that I’m happy when I remember things that have happened, but scared when I think of things that haven’t.

If I said what I really wanted to say, I would tell you that I’m confused because I’m being pulled in a thousand different  directions by you, by my friends, by all of the things I see and hear.

But I don’t say what I really want to say. Because those feeling are mine and I don’t want to share them with anyone. Not even you.

So I say, “I’m fine,” and let that be the end of the conversation.