When things in Alagaesia Get out of Hand

Ra’zac: You ride a horny lizard!
Eragon: Yeah? You ride your mother!
Ra’zac: I killed yours.
Eragon: I killed ALL yours.
Ra’zac: How am I gonna get out of this one? In my little Brom Brom car!
Eragon: Even the men in your race go on hen nights!
Ra’zac: You were given lessons by a crippled old guy.
Eragon: You served a Twilight reject!
Ra’zac: Only in the movie. Your magic makes the kamehameha from Dragonball Evolution look good.
Eragon: Well I am the answer to all living things that cry out for peace, I am protector of the innocent; I am the light in the darkness, I…
Ra’zac: Can’t get a girlfriend, and now your plagiarising Dragonball Z
Eragon: This franchise is a multitude of plagiarism. Get a grip Beaky.
Ra’zac: Do you use that flaming sword to compensate for something, or just drop hopeless romantic puns about “turning up the heat”?
Eragon: Romance is hardly something you can talk about; you’ve got to breed with your own siblings just to survive.
Ra’zac: But I’m not the one involved in badly written erotic fanfiction! Maybe that’s why Arya doesn’t like you.
Eragon: That’s low, even for an incestuous bird-man who serves a lunatic and doesn’t his puberty for 20 years.
Ra’zac: Coming from a guy whose sexual spectrum spans doing it with his half brother, estranged girlfriend or dragon steed, and whose life has been that of a cliché protagonist. If there was anything logical about this series, your dragon would’ve eaten you by now. What does she need you for?
Eragon: I’m her rider.
Ra’zac: I BET you are.
Eragon: That’s not what I meant.
Ra’zac: To my mind she’s less free than I am, paraded round on a string like a big blue piece of bling.
Saphira: This BLING wants a word with you.
Eragon: Yeah! You tell him Saphira!
Saphira: I’ll say this once Eragon. I am NOT your b***h.
Eragon: Eeep.
Ra’zac: Wow, and I thought Galbatorix could shut people up.
Saphira: [Burns Ra’zac] Anyone for crispy chicken wings?
Durza: …that’s just wrong.
Eragon: Oh go back to Twilight.
Durza: I shall, young padawan, but you are not a rider yet.
Eragon: Saphiraaaaaaa!
Saphira: Don’t whine to me, sort it out yourself.
Eragon: Fine. Brisinger! [stabs Durza]
Durza: Aargh! Talk about your heartburn!
Eragon: Is that the best you could come up with?
Durza: Oh come on, the fiery sword was just Begging for that.
Saphira: Aren’t you dead?
Durza: Oh yeah, sorry, it just takes a while to register; my nervous system isn’t what it used to be [evaporates].
Thorn: [landing, hot and bothered] Hey, erm, Eragon?
Eragon: What do you want?!
Thorn: I’m going through magically accelerated puberty. I need help from someone who understands.
Eragon: My elfin transformation is a little different from puberty Thorn.
Thorn: Look, I need to talk to somebody. I keep having these urges to do things and it’s getting really bad.
Eragon: Aside from getting a kick from Bruce Lee to your privates, I doubt you’ll be able to prevent your sexual frustrations very much, but hey, if you really need something, I think I can help…for a price.
Thorn: Here! [Opens conveniently placed saddlebag under his wing] 30 eldunari. These weren’t easy to smuggle out.
Eragon: This wasn’t easy to make either [hands over bag].
Saphira: What could be so valuable to you that’d make you trade Eldunari for it Thorn?!?
Thorn: Err, gotta go bye!
Saphira: Not so fast. [Grabs his tail and yanks him to the ground]. What’s in this bag?!
Thorn and Eragon: NO! Don’t look!
Saphira: [Opens bag to find a fairth drawn of herself in an explicitely seductive position, then gives Eragon the ‘eyes in flame’ look]. How could you…
Thorn: In retrospect, you are really hot.
Saphira: Utter another WORD, you pervy teenage whelp, and I’ll rip your wings off, or maybe I’ll rip another pair of things off for good measure.
Eragon: But it’s for a good cause! 30 Eldunari could really improve our chances of winning this fight!
Saphira: This is seriously hurting me Eragon. You compromised my trust in you; you betrayed your own dragon!
Eragon: [makes puppy dog eyes at her] I didn’t mean to make you cross. Besides, I didn’t draw it. I copied it off an internet page with that ca…oh I’ve said too much.
Saphira: You mean…they put the calendar up ONLINE!?
Eragon: How else were they to attract so much media attention? You were the prettiest in it anyway.
Saphira: You should not be looking at those sorts of things.
Thorn: CALENDAR?!
Saphira: [sighs heavily] To raise money to get the first book published, Paolini suggested I get some of the other females to do a photo shoot. You know, nothing explicit; a bit like the calendar girls movie a…
Thorn: Other females?!
Saphira: Maleficent, Vermithrax, Cynder, to name a few.
Thorn: Flip, I can hardly…forget the fairth, I’m gonna get a laptop! [zips off in cloud of dust].
Eragon: Jokes on him.
Saphira: How so, oh dead little one?
Eragon: I transferred your image from the site into the fairth. It’s the only copy left.
Saphira: Oh Eragon…you did that? For me? Thank you thank you thank you soooo much!
Eragon: Can we call it quits then?
Saphira: I’ll overlook your folly just this once. Now can we get back to the Varden? That Star Sapphire isn’t going to mend itself you know.
Eragon: First, do you want to do the honours? [offers fairth]
Saphira: Thank you. [breaks the fairth into pieces and incinerates them]