Hopless I Stay

Thoughts He doesn’t love me. He’s not sure if he ever has. He looked me in the eyes and told me this. The same eyes that once stared passionately into mine and told me how much he loved me, how he always will.
Months have gone by and yet every day I still think of him constantly. Every day I miss him, and everyday it takes all of me not to call him. He feels nothing, not this brutal pain I feel every second of everyday, not an urge to call me, hold me, see me. Nothing. He doesn’t want anything to do with me. Ever.
I love him an undying amount and he doesn’t care and doesn’t want anything to do with me.
I hate how helpless I am. I hate how pathetic love has made me. Don’t get me wrong, in no way does my happiness rely on him. I can be happy, and I am much of the time, but my heart still hurts. I still miss him, he’s still the first person I want to share all the things that make me happy with. I’m happy and I know in so many ways I don’t and/or shouldn’t want him. Then why is he the only thing I want? The only thing I care about ever having in my arms?
I fucked up; I did… but not on purpose. I’ve learned from my mistake, I completely understand and will never repeat it. Sadly this is irrelevant. He doesn’t love me and there’s nothing I can say or do to change this.
I try my hardest to move on; with absolutely no progress once so ever. I date boys; I date girls, maybe even make out with the ones who get that far. But that’s the thing, anything they do wrong at all I completely shut them out, uninterested. Little things. I am fully aware that this is my subconscious way of only wanting him. I claim it’s that they proved to be less then my standers, and they have. My standers are him and they in no way are him.
Some of them most likely are better match for me then him; a lot better. But that doesn’t matter, I only want to be in his arms, and my conscious and subconscious mind refuses anything but.
So I wait. Not for him, that’s a hopeless wish. I wait for the misery to end. I live. I live until whatever is killing me wins. And I hope with all of my heart it does, and soon. I live; much of the time happily; until I die. I pray it’s soon. I pray not to wake up and for my helplessness to end. Happiness is only worth so much if you share it with who you love. He will never understand the way I love him. I don’t even. it’s not normal; the way I love in general isn’t normal. i care about everyone too much.
My two best friends are mean to me a lot of the time. Everyone else is only around when “they need me”; never when I need them. I forgive and care way to easily and am never mean to someone on purpose or even directly. I’m just different when it comes to love; love in general. I know im different because I give it my all, no matter what, and I have never gotten anything close to what I have given back.
I gave him all of my heart, more then I think anyone can understand. This was natural for me, its impossible for me to have walls or guards, I trusted him. This is how I know that I will never stop loving him. I try ;I pray . But I know. I try to forget. But helpless I stay.