Acceptance

        The bed was empty. I looked out the window, counting the leaves on the oak tree growing a little too close too close.  Trish climbed that tree one day, she had gone too far and started crying. I have no idea how her little body had the strength to climb that high. She clung to the big branch she was laying on, calling for Daddy to come get her. We rushed outside, and started laughing. George got the ladder from the shed and helped her down. She never got another chance to climb that tree. It wasn't long after that when she was taken from me. At the funeral, all of my relatives were so kind, crying with me and giving me support. And although I knew they all loved her dearly, all of their words and prayers wistfully floated around me, and never really settled on my ears.
         My other two children shared in my pain. I think they cried more than I did. And although they cannot replace my baby, they are still wonderful gifts to George and me. I love them. I love her... no... I loved her. I turned away from the window and looked back at the bed, her stuffed lion was sitting in between her pillows, leaning slightly to the right. His fur had always been so soft. George got him for Trish on her fourth birthday. She was so happy, she hugged that little lion and didn't let it go for a year. Now it sat here, still and quiet on top of of pink sheets that were neatly rolled over the comforter. Once a week, I would cIean her sheets and make her bed up. Just the way it was. I had made the bed up that morning before school, before I had made her breakfast. What did I make her? Was it pancakes? No, no, it was waffles. She had gotten syrup on her new blue dress, the one that still smelled like the department store. It had a white collar and a little black belt in the middle. She sat at the kitchen table, her fork raised up to her mouth and she took the first bite of her breakfast, what she then found to be too hot, and dropped the fork and the sticky waffle piece on her lap. A squeal bit through the air, and then she quickly covered her mouth, as to take it away.
         I looked over at her from the kitchen and threw my hands up in exasperation, "Trish! Oh, now, look at this. I just bought that thing!" she looked down at her lap, her fingers clasped in the other hand, clearly upset. "Well, hurry up and go upstairs and change into another outfit before the bus comes. I don't want you to be late on your first day." I pointed to the staircase and continued making breakfast for the Josh and Marlene.
         "Yes ma'am." I remember her saying quietly. She was ashamed of her clumsiness and upset she couldn't wear the new dress. After a few minutes she had come back down, with Josh walking right behind her, in a pair of jeans and a red shirt that contrasted her deep blue eyes. She was a beautiful child. I picked her up and put her on my hip, like she was two again. She giggled and we gave each other nose kisses.
         "Finish up your waffles now. Josh, could you tie a paper towel on her collar so she doesn't spill again." I offered him the paper towel/bib as he grunted and rolled his eyes in the fashion that any thirteen year old boy would. He tucked it in her shirt and couldn't help but smile when she offered him a piece. He ate the warm waffle bit, and gave her a soft noogie, making her giggle and swat at him.
         Marlene was still upstairs primping, as usual. She had to look good for her strange friends who wore all black. To look that grungy and messy, they sure did put a lot of time and effort into it.
         Hands o my hips, I turned from the stove and yelled towards the stairs, "Marlene, hurry up, you're not being late again and getting a ride from that boy next door. I don't like him."
         "Mom! I told you my name is Widow! Stop calling me Marlene!" there was a pause, "I'll be down in a second." God, she hated her name. I had always loved it as a kid and it happened to be my Grandmother's name. Which maybe shouldn't have been a good point when we fought about it last month. She had always been on the rebellious side, getting that belly button ring without me knowing, listening to any kind of music that gave me a headache, and of course, dating boys George didn't approve of. But, I knew her game, she forgets she's my daughter. I found an empty pack of cigarettes in her room a couple of days before that. I was ready to confront her, but I let a few minutes pass, and decided that this was good ammo for another argument for another day. I would hold on to this, but I would soon forget all about it later that day.  Once Marlene had come downstairs and everyone was done with their breakfast, I sent them on their way out the door to the bus stop.
         I looked at Josh, "Please be careful, and make sure she knows where her classroom is. I don't want her getting lost on the first day."
         "Yes ma'am. No problem. We know exactly where Ms.Everett's room is, don't we Trish?" He smiled down at the five year old holding his hand loosely
         She smiled right back. Looking a little nit nervous. "Yeah. I know where to go. She has the red hair and my friend Colleen is in there."
         I was satisfied with their answers and gave my kisses and goodbyes and sent them out the door. I grabbed my cup of coffee and sat down in the living room to watch CNN. The sun started to get really bright and it poured in from the windows. I drew the blinds down to get rid of the glare on the television screen. Ms.Fancy, our spoiled English setter, started scratching at the door to be let out. It was time for her morning potty break, and just as every morning, I opened the back door and made sure the gate in the back yard was closed.
         A tear fell on the covers. The memories had come flooding back so vividly. That exact morning. I hadn't realized I was crying so hard until Josh stepped through the doorway.
         "Mom? Are you okay?" he stepped towards me, hand extended. He was so mature now. After he had been through so much, and with his father gone all of the time, he kind of became my protector. He was always over-concerned with my state.  His girlfriend Jessi walked into the doorway behind him. She was a pretty girl with a good head on her shoulders, although sometimes she could be a little goofy, but I think that's what he likes about her the most. She had a look of concern on her face, but knew that she should keep her distance. I forced a small grin to her and then to him.
         "I'm fine Josh. My stomach hurts a little and, just, you know, sometimes it still gets me." I touched his hand that had sweetly landed on my shoulder. He smiled and nodded. I could see his eyes well up, and decided that now was not the time to reminisce.
         "Well, what are we standing here for? Let's finish getting you packed up!"
         He gripped my shoulder and grinned from ear to ear, remembering what today was. He turned around swiftly and lead me to the car outside. Almost everything was crammed into his tiny Honda Civic. Her pick up truck was fully loaded too. Tables and nightstands were expertly tucked and tied on to the truck. We tossed in the final few items and stood there, noone wanting to say what needed to be said. Nobody wanted to bring on the tears. I turned to Josh, half hoping he would fall into my arms and say that he wanted to stay home and never leave me, but I knew that's not what either of us really wanted. He was off to school, off to real life, and I couldn't be more happy, or more proud of him. I just couldn't find a way to tell him that now. Spots began to dance around my eyes. I felt extremely light headed, probably from all of the heavy lifting we just did. I couldn't think about that now, my baby was leaving me. My lip quivered slightly, daring to open to a cry. He hugged me first.
         His arms wrapped around my neck and his head leaned on my shoulder. "I love you Mom. If you need me, you know you can call. I'll come straight home."
         I laughed, "And you know if you ever need money you can call your father." He laughed too. "But really Josh, if you need me. I'll be there. You won't be that far away."
         We both smiled and forced our goodbyes. I hugged Jessi and told her goodbye as well. I gave her a going away package of things girls need when they go off to college, some hygiene things, razors, deodorant, toothpaste, and I secretly put a couple condoms in the bottom. Something she wouldn't see until she pulled everything out. I put them there kind of as a joke, and kind of seriously. She was a pretty girl, and I am not naive. They would be staying in the same dorm with two other people, but, no doubt, there would be some alone time. They went down the driveway towards the interstate, waving and honking the whole way.
         After watching them and staring at where they had been, I turned and walked into the house. I patted Ms. Fancy on the head and filled a mug of coffee in the kitchen. I walked down the hallway and peeked into Marlene's room. The bed was empty. Her highschool diploma hung on the wall above her dresser. She had eventually grown out of her dark phase and into a nerdy college girl who would knock the boys' socks off when she dressed up. She stopped wearing black the day after she had to wear it. She had been the first one in the door that day.
         "Mom! Mom!!! Did you pick Trish up from school today???!!!" she had crashed through the door at lightning speed. Immediately my heart sunk into my feet and a blinding light flashed in front of my eyes. I don't remember much between then and when the police arrived. Their sirens blazed in my ears and I was impossible to coax down from my hysterical behavior. I don't regret being that upset. Anyone would have been. When the police walked in, I wanted to run at them, screaming. They walked in so casually, and told us everything would be okay. They took us to seperate rooms, and tried to calm me down from my crying! I couldn't find my daughter! I couldn't find the love of my life! My angel! My darling! My morning sun and the light of my existence! Why couldn't they be as upset as I was!? Marlene was sobbing in the dining room, trying to talk to the police about what had transpired, while Josh was eerily quiet in the kitchen, responding robotically to the deputy asking him questions. They had calmed me down somewhat and set me in the living room. They were asking me simple questions that I had to force from the back of my mind.
         "Ma'am, I know this is hard, but you have to tell me, what was she wearing this morning when she left for school?" He looked me in the eye, pen to paper, ready to write my response. Ready to help me and I knew it, but I still hated him. I wanted someone to blame, someone to hate. I wanted to grab him and shake him until he gave me my child. I breathed. I closed my eyes, and I saw my baby's face. I saw her wrapped up in blankets, held by a nurse who offered her to me. I saw her yawn, stretching her little fingers out to me, toothless and soundless. Her eyes were barely open, but I knew then she would have the most beautiful blue eyes. "She has blue eyes. Dark, blue eyes." My eyes stayed closed, and the bustling world around me, Marlene's sobbing, the radio static coming from the deputy's walkie talkie, the footsteps, the sirens, all of it melted away. I saw her crawling on the floor, shuffling, and looking so happy about it. She bumped her head on the table. There was a deafening silence, and them a long cry bellowed from her stomach. Her Daddy picked her up and cooed her until she fell quiet, and then started tickling her until she forgot all about the little bump on her forehead. George could always make her laugh. He touched her head to see how bad it was. He moved back her dark brown hair, which was at the time, whispy and scarce. "Her hair, is a chestnut brown. It comes down to her shoulders. We just had it cut yesterday. She has bangs, straight across her forehead."
         I could faintly hear the pen scribbling on the piece of paper that the officer was holding. My head leaned back on the couch. It was soft. Horribly soft. A comfort I felt like I didn't deserve then. Then the flourescent lights of the shopping mall blared in my face. We were in a child's clothing store, where exactly, I couldn't recall. She had an armfull of clothes, some of them, dragging on the floor behind her. Then she saw it. The pretty blue dress hanging on the end of the rack. She looked up at me. "Mom, can I try that on?" She pointed her finger at it, barely hanging on to the clothes already in her arms. I picked them up off of her and placed them in the basket. "Okay baby, let's go see if they have your size. We walked towards it, the wheel of the buggy making a lot of noise of course. When we found her size and got a dressing room, she tried it on and declared proudly, "This is what I want to wear on my first day." She twirled in it, even though it barely had any flare, but I knew she loved the color blue and felt pretty in the dress. We added it to the collection of clothes in the buggy and went to pay. I handed the cashier all of our purchases, and she began to scan them. She grabbed the blue dress first, and then, she grabbed the red shirt. "She wore a red shirt and a pair of blue jeans. She had on brown sneakers. She has a Barbie backpack, pink and purple."
          I opened my eyes and all of the sounds rushed into my ears at once. I held my head, surprised by how much it hurt. I looked down at her bed, and touched her dark brown floral bed spread. I turned around and went across the hall to Josh's room. His posters for his metal bands still hung loosely on the walls, the clear scotch tape barely holding them up. I stood by the window, looking at the road he just left on. I sat down on his bed, holding one of his pillows in my lap. A sharp pain went through my chest, I groaned and clasped it with my hand. I stayed there for a few seconds, and then it went away. I breathed heavily, barely touching my chest with my fingertips. I let my mind wander as the pain went away. I looked at the picture of Josh and Jessi on his nightstand. It was their prom picture from their senior year. She was in the most beautiful teal dress, one I think Trish would have liked to wear, and he was in a white tux, his tie matching her dress perfectly. He had a huge smile on his face as he held Jessi by the waist.
         He was the first person to hold me once we found out what happened to Trish. He was the one who got me to start the funeral plans, the one who helped me greet the mourners and the one who was there for me when I fell into one of my moods when I wouldn't get out of bed. Usually George would pull me out of it, but he was away so much on business, he couldn't always be there. But George was there the day the police came. They walked through the door. We all knew they were coming with bad news. It had been almost two weeks since the day she disappeared. I think I might have slept ten hours in those two weeks. The bank let me have that time off, they understood that I just didn't have the strength or the mental capabilities to work until I knew what happened to her. To be honest, I was afraid of the truth, I was afraid of knowing and moving on. I was afraid of the future. A future without my baby girl. When the sherriff approached me, when he looked me in the eyes, his own wet and red, I knew the truth. The truth was unbearable. He sighed deeply, preparing himself for the speech he was assigned to give me, "Mrs.Warren, we found Trish's body. She was found approximately two hours ago in a dumpster behind an abandoned hotel, ten blocks from the school. From what we gathered from the teachers, your family, and evidence gathered at the scene, we believe that after recess, she was straggling behind the rest of the class. She was coaxed into following an older gentleman to his car and taken to the hotel. She was killed on the same day."
         He continued into the details, my mind was still stuck on the word 'body'. She was dead. I had this hope, this hope in my heart that I would see my little girl, running towards me from the cop car, with her little arms sticking out. She would be yelling for me, 'Mommy Mommy!!!'. I would be there in the doorway, ready to hold my child again. We would cry and squeeze each other till our arms fell asleep. I would pass her to George , who would hold both of us. Josh and Marlene would take turns hugging her and wiping tears from their faces. We would all hold hands and go inside and I would pour her a glass of cold milk in a small glass, because she was small and clumsy. But sure enough, she would spill that milk. We would all laugh and she would laugh. I would pour her another glass and put a big plate of waffles in front of her. She would ask for whip cream and syrup. I would have given her the moon on those waffles. She would eat those waffles and get syrup all over her face. After she was full, I would give her a long bath to get all of the sticky syrup off of her precious face. I would have had her sleep with me and George that night. She would climb into the sheets and she would snuggle in between us, like she had never left. I would fall asleep to the sound of her breathing....in....out....in...out, George would touch my hand and say, "We got our baby back Mia. We got our baby back." He would smile a little and his blue eyes would shine in the moonlight. That's where she got them. Those blue eyes.
         I sat up in the bed. I looked around myself, I was alone. My feet found the floor. I stood and walked out of the room. I looked back to his empty bed and turned out the light. My feet took me into Trish's room. My head was pounding. Probably from the disturbing nap I just had. I took the bed covers and the sheets off of the bed, I remade it. Her lion doll was soft. I held it against my chest and began to cry, I stood there beside her bed and let the hurt out. As the last few sobs echoed out of my mouth, pain, a similar pain to the one in my chest was now in my back. I grabbed my shoulders, The lion still in my arms, and I fell to the bed. The room spun. My breathing turned to wheezing;  I didn't move. I don't know if I could have reached the telephone in the kitchen, I don't know if I could have called out the open window to Mr.Lawrence for help. I just laid there on the bed. On the empty bed. George was gone to Boston that day. Marlene was in New York, working on her business degree. Josh was on the road, onto his future. My children were gone. I love them. I love all of them. I was so tired, my stomach ached, my back and my chest were throbbing. I laid there staring at the ceiling. Oh God, I could hear her voice.
         "Mama, Mama!" she's calling me. Oh God, I can hear my baby. I used to dream about her voice. I had almost forgotten what it sounded like. I looked over, off the edge of the bed, hoping maybe she would be standing there. No, it was only Ms.Fancy. She stood in the doorway, wagging her tail. My eyes drew back to the ceiling. The pain had gotten so bad, I didn't even feel it anymore. I breathed, in....out....in....out.
         "I'm sorry Trish." I held the lion as tight as I could to my chest."Well baby, I'm not gonna miss you anymore." I closed my eyes.