Through these eyes I see

I read the book "A Child Called It" and I can't express enough how relative the boy's experience was to mine so I wanted to share what it's like to be a survivor of something so horrific. I myself was/am an "It" I am also a survivor and a soldier in war with my life. I am not like other people in so many ways because in order for me to survive as a child I had to become more clever and more intelligent than the animal that was torturing me. I had to get into his head and see through his eyes in order to look ahead--seconds, minutes, hours, and days into the future by predicting his moods and his next attacks. I had to become exactly like the monster in order to beat him at his own game. The man that was my abuser was as intelligent as Hannibal Lector in the movie "Silence of the Lambs". Now imagine me being a slight bit smarter than that.
I am an adult now. I have all the power to use the skills I was taught because it's first nature to me. Isn't survival first nature to everyone? I am a warm individual though and I harbor no intent to harm anyone because I know EXACTLY the psychological damage that I can inflict. I will use my skills only to defend myself if I feel that I am being used or attacked. When I use these skills I don't hold back. I am dangerous. I see on a daily basis the evil that's around me. I see it in people's non verbal communication and I see it in context and content of messages whether verbal or written. I can even see it in some people's faces. I can sense tension and I can sense the nature of the individual. It's hard for me to relate to others because I feel like I am more intelligent then they are when it comes to psychological intelligence and human behavior. I can look into their eyes and feel what they are thinking. It's like their intentions are getting whispered into my ears. My inner conflict is that I have the intelligence of a highly skilled dangerous person but I have a heart of a warm and sincere individual. I am living between two worlds. I carry this burden like Hellboy or something and people don't understand my struggle's. They say "Let the past go!" what they do not see is that I was trained by one of the best and through that experience I can save abused children one day. I can fight evil with evil intelligence to make a difference in someone else's life. By me giving up my past still won't relinquish my knowledge and clever tactics that can be utilized for a higher good. I am a blessing and a curse. I walk through my life in shackles looking up to God for my next step. My heart cries for understanding and yet I get very little. Except for my psychology professor. She told me that because of my nature the more she thinks she knows--the more she really doesn't know. She says that I made a difference in her life more than I will ever know and she puts alot of faith in me on things not relating to class. She knows that I will excel at helping other it's. I told her to take what she learned from me and teach others. She agreed to do so. I know my life is full of purpose. It's a shame that I had to pay a high price for it.